Mind Transformation 326

326
Damn it! I have to find a way to make my journaling effective. Now it’s not effective. It’s dull and stupid, and it doesn’t work. I used to write in order to support whatever I did, and it helped me to solve all kinds of problems. However, now, it seems to be not the case. My English is very weak, so it’s really hard to follow every intention that I form by its help. I simply don’t believe in my own words, and therefore, I can do anything that I’m supposed to do. Maybe it’s just a riot of my good old native language that wants to return its control over my mind and get things as they were before? Well, I told myself that I may come back to writing in Russian and consider this experience of the whole year of journaling and thinking in English as something really useful for my linguistic capacities, generally speaking; though I don’t really want to come back. Since I discovered how fast I can develop a new language by focusing full attention on it, I think it’s just a waste of time to use my native language for anything except necessary interactions. Hence, this part of me which still can’t get rid of thinking in Russian makes trouble because it was forsaken by the whole. I don’t know what exactly is going on, but I have no motivation to do anything—there is no desire whatsoever. I don’t think that the recent lapse of self-control is the only one thing which is responsible for my current condition. I’ve never been in the condition like that since I started journaling in English. I must do something to fix this situation. And what is it I can do?

To the beginning: http://www.proza.ru/2018/03/10/1530
Next: http://www.proza.ru/2019/05/11/59