Mind Transformation 351

351
i-1, s-1, M.
The pain came back again. It doesn’t want to leave me. I’m hearing as it whispers in my ear, “I like you, I like you.” She likes me, so how can I be such a selfish bitch to push her out? By the way I know that there is no such thing as pain—all this shit is just chemical reactions in my brain. The reactions are quite intensive and I call them “pain”, but naturally they are just signals. Why do I suffer from some silly signals? Yes, bloody signals, I see that there is a problem which I have to solve. Do you want to say that I don’t do anything to find a solution? What exactly should I do? Take medicine? Visit a doctor? Turn off the computer and spend the whole day lying on bed? What?
Yesterday I started doing my exercises which were continued today as well. I accomplished the whole set of gymnastics which took me about three hours, took a long walk, ate good food—
It’s already a week since I got sick—more than a week. I have to be healthy. I’m conscious enough to be alive without suffering. So now I’m close to the idea of the purpose. I thought about it these days. Why should I choose one thing instead of the other? I don’t choose; there is no choice. The purpose is something that I pursue inevitably. For example, I don’t like this condition and the purpose is to get rid of it. Then, by analogy, I would say that I don’t like this language, so the purpose is to get rid of it and develop another language, which is supposed to be as far from this one as my usual condition is far from where I’m now.   

To the beginning: http://www.proza.ru/2018/03/10/1530
Next: http://www.proza.ru/2019/06/14/874