Mind Transformation 371

371
It’s time to reprogram my mind. I haven’t been asking myself about the way I’m doing things so long. I mean, all these self-observations made in recent months were awfully superficial. What am I doing? Seeking power? Knowledge? Wisdom? What do I write here all the time? This endless daily shit is so dull! Why am I not developing real thoughts as it was before? Why did I stop asking questions about meaning? I used to consider journaling like an art, but now it looks like a patient’s file.
Soon it will be two years since I’d started writing in English. At the beginning it was wonderful and gave me plenty of pleasure. I was studying a new language and writing by no means made a lot of sense. I wanted to use this language to enrich my thinking, and now I have very strong linguistic skills. But what’s next? I have to do something, haven’t I? Or it would be just eternal learning without a purpose? This option has always satisfied me; what’s the matter to have any purpose? The universe has no purpose; nothing really matters for it; everything is equal—how many times I turned it upside down? To go ahead, I need to have a kind of a purpose, even if it makes no sense from any infinite point of view. Maybe it’s just the current purpose which has exhausted me? Writing about the language all the time is a tiresome business. It looks much better when I do something meaningful—something that I can call meaningful—and simultaneously write about it. But what’s meaningful? What should I do? I mean, again, what should I do except learning? 

To the beginning: http://www.proza.ru/2018/03/10/1530
Next: http://www.proza.ru/2019/07/12/1120