One man. Eng

=-It all started with ...-=

Everything begins with something, but sometimes we ourselves don’t notice the moment when some important events happen in our life. It seems to us that the events that are taking place in our life have no meaning for our future. We don’t pay attention to the seemingly important moments, moments that can turn everything upside down. True, in retrospect, we come to the conclusion that a small, insignificant event could change our whole life.
No matter what that event was, it is important how it affected us and how changed.

It was a warm autumn evening. The sun was setting, leaving behind only pleasant emotions. My mood has not been so elevated for a long time. Surprisingly it turned out to be a very good working day - without undue running and stress. The evening also was pleasant — a good male company, interesting conversations, slipped sympathy between us.

Not much time has passed since I gained my wings. My parting, although it was quite painful, brought only joy in the first weeks. But, despite the joy and inspiration, one cannot just cut out six years of living together from one’s own life. You can not forget about unfulfilled dreams and own losses. You can not forget a person at one night and continue to live, as if nothing had happened. Everything comes with time, whether we like it or not.

That day we walked in the park and talked on many different topics. We discussed the future, the present, a little touched my past. Strange, but next to him I didn’t feel what I was accustomed to for many years of living together with my ex — constraint, as if I was in some sort of cage. Beside this guy I was calm; he was interesting; he was ready to lend a helping hand if this was necessary. Could I fall in love with him? Perhaps, but my heart was not ready to plunge into the maelstrom of love.

His name was Arthur. Tall, well-built physically, some mysterious cunning thing lurked in his gray eyes, but his straightforwardness did not give me a reason for deception, and I liked it. Conversations were simple and easy. The moment came when the walk was at an end. We stood near my house, smiled friendly at each other and parted ways.

I went up to my apartment and in a couple of minutes I received a message from Arthur on the telephone: "We parted and it became somehow sad. Time is not so late, can we continue the evening?". And then I thought that I didn’t want to refuse.
"Well, I have some red wine, but there is nothing for it," I wrote back.
“Not a problem, I’ll bring everything,” his answer didn’t keep me waiting.

He came quickly enough. We prepared a snack for wine very fast and started new conversations. My mind softened with a glass after glass, but my body remained tense. My heart was not ready to let in someone new. His eyes looked straight into my soul, touching some unknown strings. At one point he was in front of me on his knees.

“May I kiss you?” He paused a little, and then added. “In the cheek.”
I could not help a smile. It was somehow childish and at the same time so cute. I started to like it.
“Only in the cheek,” I answered playfully.
I put my left cheek to him, he laid his hand on my right cheek and stretched to kiss. With a slight movement of his hand, he turned my head and gently, lightly kissed my lips. I assumed such a turn of events, but didn’t think that he would do that. I can not say that I didn’t like it, quite the opposite, but I couldn’t continue this kiss. He was a little embarrassed.
“Too soon?”

He knew that not much time had passed since I broke up with my ex.
“Yes,” I didn’t want to lie.
“Then I'll go?”
“Ok.”
He got up and went to the corridor, to dress. I went to see him off.
“Will you let me hug you before I’m leaving?” I just couldn’t refuse, and Arthur hugged me tightly. It was pleasant, but involuntarily a thought passed through my head: "Just like my ex at the last meeting."
Hugs ended, Arthur went home, and I was left with my thoughts alone.
Arthur was different. It was easier for me with him, more comfortable than it was with my ex.

Six years ago I entered the university in the capital. In parallel I had a good contact with, at that moment, interesting for me young man. At some point I realized that I was in love with him. I informed him of my feelings, but he didn’t respond to them; he said only: "I don’t want to lose contact with an interesting person like you. Let's be friends." I agreed and soon regretted it.

Being his "friend" I knew about all his relationships. He told me everything, and I listened dutifully, continuing have feelings for him. It was unbearable to sleep at night, thinking about him and understand that you can not be there. My heart was breaking with pain when he spoke about the next girl he met, that he believes that She is The One. At some point, I decided - enough! This can no longer continue, we need to stop communicating.

Just a couple of days later (as I decided to break this painful conversation, but did not dare to offer it to him yet) he began to pay his attention to me. And then he came for a visit and a relationship began between us. I was happy and was ready to forgive everything that happened before. I was happy for the time being. Then this relationship turned into agony for both of us. This could not continue any longer, and I decided that it was necessary to stop this useless circus.

There was not a single moment that I regretted my deed. I was happy for the first time in my life. Nobody limited me. Nobody caused unpleasant emotions in me. No one tried to humiliate or crush me. I was free from any personal restrictions. I could finally be myself with the people around me.

And now, a month after breaking up, I met him - Arthur.
He was an old friend of my best friend Alina. We studied with her together at the university when I gave up and moved to an unfamiliar city for whom I loved. Gradually a friendship began between us, and, as it turned out, we had a lot in common. But now is not about that.
That day - I, Alina, her boyfriend and Arthur - we all together went to a neighboring country, just to relax and have a good walk.
At some point, Alina said: "You know, Martha, Arthur, everyone knows as Dark, because he always had a nickname DarkAngel in chat rooms." Arthur was not in the car at that moment, so he could hardly see my surprised face. Such coincidences simply do not happen!

Once, I composed stories with my friend Olesya and my fantastic lover was a dark angel. Of course, there was also a vampire, perhaps even a demon, but the image was more or less about the same. I still remember my favorite characters.
I remember having a lot of the abilities I wanted to possess. I was the master of the elements, the demon, then someone else. But, probably, my most bright fantasy was connected with him. With my dark angel.
I lost a fight with my mind and released all the terrifying energy I had. Borders of friends and enemies were erased, even though the main enemy had already been defeated. The road back seemed no longer there. It only remained to dissolve and disappear along with the whole world. But at this most crucial moment, my angel appeared. He was the only one who had no fear of me. The only one who stepped forward to meet me, reassured and helped to return to reality. He had his own story, which I eventually forgot, but it was he who always managed to be the very support. Support that I needed so much. Yes, then I was in love with this image. Strong, a bit detached, mysterious. With him, I was myself and he, too, was himself. He was not afraid to express his opinion. He was not afraid of battles. He was afraid of little at all. We were different, but made as if from one clay, just each in its own way.

When I first looked at Arthur in my head flashed: "He’s cute" but at that very moment I threw these thoughts aside. He was completely not my type. Blonde, light-eyed, slim. I somehow liked the dark-haired, dark-eyed, with a strong figure. Something like this was my former boyfriend at the very beginning.
But how did it happen that Arthur occupied my mind? I do not know, but I guess at what point he began to penetrate into my closed heart.

It was literally a couple of days after our meeting with wine. Apparently, at some point, he managed to interest me, because I never stopped thinking about him. About his confident and at the same time soft eyes that looked at me with undisguised interest. At some point, I even felt something, but since my heart was still closed, I could not reciprocate.
We met again. Sweetly talked, joked, drank tea, played cards. In his eyes I read a question: “What can I do? How far can I go? ”. And I liked it. I realized that I liked his kind of caution towards me. I want him to take the risk. I want to take a chance. I wonder where this road will lead us. But the evening was slowly coming to an end.

Already about to leave, he said:
“Ok, let me kiss you and I'll go.”
I didn’t refuse. We kissed so passionate as if it was a little embarrassing. And then, having turned on the rock music playing louder, we didn’t thought about anything. I don’t remember that there was in my life was such a lively and hot sex. I discovered myself from the new side and I liked it.

Over time, sex with my ex turned into something incomprehensible, giving more discomfort than pleasure. And, at that moment, I’ve lost the belief that he will hear me and something can be changed a long time ago.
But what is most interesting, I liked everything that Arthur did with my body. He was gentle, a little rude, confident in his actions, and it stirred. I felt liberated.

Seeing him off, I said:
“Thank you, I haven’t had such sex for a long time.”
To which he replied, smiling:
“Happy to be at service.”
He gently touched my nose and walked towards his home. It was probably the sweetest gesture I've ever received. In one touch I felt tenderness, care. But I couldn’t surrender to these feelings.


***
Standing in the kitchen, Arthur hugged me tightly, whispering in my ear: “I missed you.” Although it has only been a couple of days since our previous meeting. I had nothing to answer to his “missed” and therefore I smiled and kept silent.
Another lively and hot sex has opened new doors in me, the existence of which I had no idea. But I was not ready to let him into my soul. Too many fears still lurked in my soul and there was simply no room for new ones.
“Cool sex,” I said, catching my breath.
“Yeah,” he said, “and there will be more.”
“But do you understand that this is just sex?”

He did not answer. But as far as I could, I fenced off from everything that could somehow hurt me. Even if it meant giving up something bigger.
That evening, before leaving, Arthur hugged me tightly, just gently touched my nose and left. And only one thought flashed through my head: “He jugged me, as well as my ex did on our last meeting.” My heart ached. I should not compare them. These were two different people, they should not be compared, but what's done is done. And I went to sleep in mixed feelings.
Having started a new life for myself, I decided to do something that I hadn’t decided before - to walk to the city park and take a walk along the seashore. The day was warm, the music was pleasant, and I slowly enjoyed the walk.

Thoughts flooded my head. I had so much resentment and pain in relationships with my ex, that I began to doubt if I would ever cope with these emotions. I changed my life for him: I moved to an unfamiliar city on the seashore, where I knew almost no one. I asked to show me the city itself, I thought it would be interesting to learn something new and spend time with loved one. But all walks were limited to the area in which we lived. At some point, it began to seem to me that the center of the city and everything behind it was simply inaccessible. It’s as if they are many kilometers away and it takes hours to get there.

The first time, when I came to visit my ex, our walks were interesting. We were alone, we walked, chatted, kissed. Everything was nice and made my heart beat faster, from overwhelmed feelings. At the very beginning of our relationship, I really very often felt happy. But only at the beginning. Gradually, rose-colored glasses began to crack, until they burst with glass inside.

I too often felt lonely in his company. I don’t remember a single birthday that we would have spent together, not to mention the anniversary of our relationship. On the contrary, I spent all my birthdays with his family, not with him. In the first year of our relationship, I spent my birthday with his mom. We walked, chatted, joked, laughed. And at some point I stopped feeling hurt. The fact that he didn’t want to be with me at the moment when I needed it did hurt. Especially if you take into account the fact that I have always tried to be closer to him and supported him at least at the very beginning. I tried my best to ignore bad emotions and deal with it.

I remember giving up, when I finally decided to move to the city of winds, and study in medical school. That summer he was fired from his job and he decided that he would go abroad to a friend. And I wondered if I should move to a city in which he would not be. For me, coming just to his family didn’t make sense. But to remain in the capital meant to subject our relationship to a test that they could not stand. If I trusted him unconditionally, then I still doubted that he trusted me, although by that time we had already met for two years. Therefore, I decided to move to a city unfamiliar to me, to his family, just to preserve these fragile relationships. Then I also loved him and it was unbearably hard for me to accept that he would be far away, but I didn’t want to stand in his way. For me it was important to respect his choice.

The day came when he had to leave. All the time I was worried about his trip, and he helped to repair the car to a friend. We didn’t call up, only corresponded occasionally, which didn’t reduce my worries. As a result, from all these emotions, I began to fall ill, my temperature rose and my general condition worsened. More than ever, I wanted to see him, so that he calmed me down, said that everything would be fine. But he didn’t have time for it. His messages didn’t helped me. As a result, he left without really saying goodbye, and I layed with the temperature for a while. Loneliness and havoc - all that I felt then.

Only once he was there when I really needed, but I didn’t feel anything from his embrace. I learned about the death of my father, whom I singled out in remote childhood. So far away that Ie didn’t remember him. For many years I wanted to find him, but I didn’t had any information to carry out my plans. Having learned that I will never see him alive, I will not know him, my heart overflowed with pain. For the first time in a long time, I sat and sobbed. My heart was breaking apart, and my man could not help me. Perhaps, by that time, I had grown so cold towards him that I no longer felt his support.
I have changed over time, perhaps not for the better. In part, my ex-boyfriend helped me in this.

On the one hand, I understood perfectly well that I couldn’t stop comparing Arthur with my ex. Apparently made offences still lived in my head. For a very long time I tried to convey to my ex that I want to do something together. I tried to share his interests with him, but he didn’t have the desire to share my interests. Probably, there can be found the excuse of something as like: “I didn’t share my interests,” to which I can answer: “Did you try to understand?”. Where is the guarantee that you will listen to me? Where is the guarantee that you will hear me? Judging by the fact that the problems in the relationships remained the same from year to year, despite my attempts to change something, I realized that he was not able to hear me, and, apparently, I didn’t always listen too.

I tried to be patient with his life mode. I don’t argue, I wasn’t always good, but I accepted as much as could: the fact that he went to bed around three o'clock in the morning and got up around twelve o’clock. Referring to insomnia, he spent all this time at the computer. Everyday.

I remember the first time we had a serious quarrel. The new school year began, I then lived in the capital. I felt that something was wrong in our relationship, but I could not understand what it was. I felt that he kept his distance from me, but didn’t understand why. It turned out that I was not able to keep a distance from him. He decided that I had found myself in the capital someone else, I was desperately trying to convince him otherwise. As a result, I was crying on my friend's lap, lamenting: “I lost him”. It was incredibly painful to realize that our relationship could end. Indeed, besides him, I could not imagine anyone else in my life.

We finally made it up. Not able to wait for our meeting and discuss the entire situation, I wrote him a letter in which I described my wishes regarding our relationship. Having sent a letter, I began to fantasize about how we will sit down, talk about what conclusions we will come to. I wanted to believe that this quarrel would help us improve our relationship. How wrong I was. Arriving at him, I found him at the computer. I started having doubts. After waiting for him to finish the game, I was faced with the fact that nothing happened. For the first time I touched this invisible wall, which I could not overcome.

Over the years, I ended up resigned to the fact that he didn’t strive for something new, he was satisfied with everything as it was. At least I had that  impression.
I tried as best I could to establish our already complex relationship, but each time I ran across an invisible wall. Tired of fighting invisible enemies alone, I gave up, “let go” the situation. I decided for myself: “Well, since he allows himself to use me (because it was this feeling that I had next to him), it means that I can afford to use him and the situation”. I needed to improve my qualification - I did it. It cost me incredible patience. In addition to the stress at work and in school, the situation only worsened from communicating with him.

His every touch irritated me. Every time he was with me, I wanted to push him away. But during the long years of our relationship with him, I was so used to holding back my emotions in myself, because I understood that they would not reach him, no matter how I tried, that I simply stopped talking about things that annoy me. I voluntarily enclosed myself in a cell of secrecy, with the help of my man. After all, there was no point in wasting energy on conversations, if they gave nothing.

As it turned out, the conversation about breaking up was the hardest thing. It was not easy to leave his house, with which so many memories were connected, because not all of them were bad. But most of them didn’t have his presence in them or it was rather weak. From what I became even more sad.
But standing on my own feet, being not limited by someone, turned out to be nice. Of course, there were moments when I doubted that it was worth diverging, but only having made this step, I understood: I did the right thing. My world was painted with such colors that I could only dream of, and now they have become a reality.

And I understood for myself - I don’t want to be no longer not able to be myself. Oddly enough, with Arthur I could afford it. It was easy, simple, comfortable with him. He managed to make me laugh in a kindly and effortless way. Some nonsense, told by chance or in the impulse of the story, did not irritate, but on the contrary caused a sea of ;;positive emotions, among which was laughter. I did not laugh at him, I laughed with him. Although the comicity of the situations described by him sometimes made me feel sorry for the hero of the story, even through tears of laughter.

The music was interrupted, and the favorite melody that I put on phone started playing in the headphones. Arthur called.
“Hey,” he began. “How are you? What are you doing? I just woke up not long ago, I'm sorry, I just read your message.”
The evening was coming. In my head flashed involuntarily: "Just like my ex." At that moment I hated myself. I knew all too well what it means when you are constantly being compared. For the first two years of the relationships, I only saw fear and some distrust in the eyes of a loved one. Moreover, he was ready to blame me for what his ex-girlfriend did, the opportunity arose. It was visible.

“Hi,” I replied as easily as possible. “I walk along the seashore, in the city. Why did you wake up so late? Didn’t sleep all night?
“Yes,” he answered a little embarrassed. “One game overtook me here. Only in the morning I realized how much I have played, so I had to finish and go to sleep. So, yes, I didn’t sleep at night.

In my head flashed again: “Just like my ex,” and my heart ached. All the same. The theme of games was painful for me in a relationship. Even if it was unknown if it’ll workout with me and Arthur. I have had too many clashes with my ex on the subject of his enthusiasm for computer games. I felt unnecessary next to him, as if I was only used as a sex partner. These thoughts hurt a lot.

"Well done," I tried to be cheerful. “Probably it’s a good game, if you were so attached to it.”
“Yes, I liked it.”
Inside, the wrong strings were pulled for a casual telephone conversation. Too many comparisons jumped out in my head, it was too hard for me to accept a new person in my life. Too similar were the hobbies of Arthur and my ex. This only complicated the situation.

“Okay, you probably have a lot of things to do and I will continue my walk.”
“Have a nice walk. See you later?”
“Yes, see you later.”

And I hung up. There was a hurricane in  my soul not wanting to calm down. I hated myself, my thoughts, this comparison. For the rest of the way, I tried to convince myself that they were two different people. That Arthur was not to blame for me comparing him to my ex, that it was not fair. At least in a relation to Arthur.

At the end of the walk, when I was already at home, I decided that I would do my best not to compare Arthur with my ex, if Arthur is set to start a relationship. I decided to give him the opportunity to take the necessary step to start moving towards each other. Then I didn’t know that this was our last conversation. He never wrote to me again, and I didn’t write to him either. Pride didn’t allow me to write to him. Every time when the hands reached for the keyboard, the conclusion in my head sounded: “You are not interesting to him”.

Out of boredom, I signed up on a dating site. It turned out that this nonsense is able to dispel boredom for a while, that's just not very long.
Most people are looking for such sites - affordable sex. And since I was not interested in it, I immediately ticked the box “I'm looking for” - communication. Yes, I didn’t have enough communication with man. I wanted compliments and ordinary flirting.

I decided to try myself in erotic conversation, but a certain narrowness of the guy made me bored. The conversation quickly stopped. I communicated with one, with another and in no one I found the communication I needed - without any hint, just about interests and life. Very little time passed and I met Vitaly. We were the same age and we were united by the main thing - the love of literature. It was nice to communicate with a competent person who knows how to use punctuation marks.

Our lovely conversations began to evoke warm emotions in me and I realized that I was beginning to fall in love. But the voice of reason periodically interfered: "Take your time, maybe you do not fit each other at all." Sometimes it is worth listening to the voice of reason.

We met, I looked into his blue eyes and realized that I didn’t find anything in them. I couldn’t afford to turn around and leave, but I didn’t have the strength to say it all at once. Vitaly was preparing for the meeting and in fact, we had a great time. Unhurried conversations about life, literature warmed somehow in a special way. Several times I tried to find in his eyes what to cling to and understood that no matter for how much I was looking - I couldn’t find anything. It was a little bit sad.

When I returned home, I wrote to him that way: “You know, I had a great time, but we can only be friends.” I understand that I could hurt his feelings, if any, but didn’t want to deceive myself and him. He replied: “I understand. Ok. We are all looking for a soul mate. ” Gradually, our communication disappeared.

Then I met another young man who seemed interesting to me. We chatted nicely, flirted and finally agreed to meet. The meeting was as “Hurray!”. At some point, I began to think that we had chances for something more, especially when he gallantly kissed my hand goodbye. I will not hide, my cold heart trembled. We continued to communicate, even agreed to meet - a joint trip to the theater. He said that he would buy tickets, I decided to trust him. How wrong I was. He did not warn that he would not come, and I had come for nothing two hundred kilometers away. It was a shame that I entrusted him to buy tickets. Otherwise, I could go with a clear conscience on the play I wanted to see.
It took a little time and he disappeared completely. “A coward,” I thought in my hearts, “unable to refuse a girl. It’s not so scary to refuse, as to leave behind the thought that all men are asholes. It’s because of such asholes that many women stop believing men. ”I wrote him a medium-length email in which I expressed everything I thought about the situation.

Spring was coming to an end. The failed experience made me sad, but I tried not to lose faith. I don’t care, even if naively, I wanted to believe that there is a man in the world intended for me just as I am for him. And on social networks, Arthur caught my eye.

The mood was high again and I decided to write to him. We began to chat and eventually agreed to meet. Considering that he was my last sexual partner for eight months, I knew very well how this meeting could end. I agreed to it, I wanted it. Arthur came at the agreed time and was still as lively and active as I remembered him for our short conversations. There was a fire burning in him that I wanted to touch, from which I wanted to warm up. And then, at some point, turning my face him, looking into his gray-blue eyes, I realized: "It could work out."

We were carried away again and we were in bed. A sea of emotions was raging in me and one of them was fear. Many times I thought that if we can be just friends with benefits, I would agree to try it. Driven by the fear of new, perhaps serious relationships, fueled by bad experiences with previous man, I said:
“Let’s try to be friends with benefits.”
He was a little surprised, but agreed. And so we began our strange relationships.


=-When fantasy merges with reality, one of them comes to an end-=

We met, entertained and diverged, each in our life. Friends with benefits definitely have their advantages. Especially if you think about the fact that we purposefully meet for sex. There was no “offerings”, sometimes meaningless actions of series - restaurant, cinema, walk, sex. Especially if you both understand what you need. It's easier to immediately take what you want and not to worry about some details.

After all, let's be honest with ourselves, not every time this long path of the “obligatory places of visiting before sex” gives its harvest. They say the girl should be warmed up before the main dish. She’s what? A piece of meat to warm her up? If a girl is interested in sleeping with a certain guy, she will do it. Of course, much depends on the girl herself, and on the guy.

If there is no this path of - “first meet among the people and then sex” (and in some cases it can be - maybe), then some kind of magic may disappear before the dates, but if both of you want the same thing. Why not?


We met for sex and I wanted to think that everyone was satisfied. I was pleased, but the feeling of insecurity that my ex planted in me, sometimes made me doubt whether Arthur was ok. But then the logic came in: “If he don’t complain and leaves smiling, there is no reason for concern.” So we went through our days. Each lived his own life, but we found time for each other, for health.

At some point, I began to realize that Arthur was more and more in my thoughts. At first it scared me, then I started to like it, and then I wondered: “What does he feel for me?”. The answer was simple - I do not know. There was not enough courage in me to ask him; so I turned on logic and analysis of actions.
If he didn’t like something, he would have said that, even though Arthur was laconic. Our meetings were not unpleasant to him, because he came. We have always been able to agree on at what time and when we meet. Apparently, he was just happy with this situation and, oddly enough, in my own way, me too.

The work of the nurse took so much time and effort that it didn’t want to bother about the “relationship” at all. After all everything was simple - we contacted, we made an agreement, we slept together, we parted. And everything would be fine if I had not encountered a sense of affection for him. It was then that I was scared.

Do I myself agree to start a relationship? Hmm, maybe. But what about Arthur? I was tormented by doubts. And I decided to tell him about what I was experiencing, to which he replied: “You know, I am not ready for relationships. Everything was ok for me as it was.” I decided not to lie: “For me too. It’s just that I was faced with the fact that I started to feel something for you and that it scaired me. ” But I could not tell the whole truth either.

And the truth was that the scales swung at the very moment when Arthur came to support me. That day I was sorting out my papers and stumbled upon an old diary. In the diary were all my feelings associated with ex, when we first began to communicate. In many lines there was pain, despair, the desire to be close, despite the distance. There were enclosed my desires, dreams, fantasies. And I remembered how my heart beat when he whispered in my ear: “I think I want kids from you.” In my head flashed: “Oh, God! He is the one! My man!". How I was naive.

I was naive when I noticed how his attitude towards me changed after one evening. We sat at my best friends home and chatted. My ex called me on the phone and the three of us talked all sorts of conversations, but my friend didn’t stop on calling him Don Juan. Just because he talked about all his relationships with me, knowing well what exactly I feelt for him. He was furious when the next “Don Juan” sounded. I didn’t care what my friend Lilly called him, because each time from his stories, my heart broke into pieces. I suffered from feelings that I could not show.

I left the room, but through the wall into the bathroom I heard their conversation. My favorite Lilly scolded this stupid man. She stood beside me, ready to tear the offender into small pieces. At that moment I understood how much I love this fiery girl! How lucky I am that there is a person in my life like her. I was proud that I was her best friends, because there was no one better than Lilly.

When I returned to the room, I pretended not to hear anything from my friends speach. I wanted to once again feel this pride for my friend. We quickly ended the conversation with my ex, cutting to the fact that it was late and we were going to bed. It was unique! Her brown eyes shone, and emotions flowed over the edge. She told me the whole conversation, and I rejoiced with happiness. And it was no longer important whether she got through to him or not, it was important that my Lily was with me and on my side. We were friends from school and went through a lot, but always stayed with each other. No matter how far we are, no matter how long we communicate, we have always been and are in each other's hearts.

Yes, it was after that evening that he paid attention to me. Yes, I ventured, yielding to the senses. Do I regret? No! It was worth it, only for the sake of that evening in the bathroom and the pride that I experienced for my friend.
The pain of lost hopes and unfulfilled dreams crept into the soul again. Once upon a time I wanted a family. Dreamed of a husband who supports me, is reliable, faithful and strong. I dreamed of children, I wanted three. One would be a girl. I once created an idyll in my head a long time ago, I only needed a men to realize this dream. I putted too much hope on my ex and he couldn’t justify them.

I still remembered how he was nervous at first if something was suddenly wrong. How I could read fear and reproach in his eyes, for what I do not know. I felt his fear and insecurity, tried to convince him otherwise. He thought I was able to chaete on him. After all, this has happened to him. I could not chaete him even if I wanted to. Once I decided for myself that there would be only one man in my bed and I always remained true to myself.
Broken heart was in my chest.

That evening we had a date with Arthur. Sitting with a diary in my hands, realizing that I was plunged into the ocean of memories, which I did not want to remember. I wrote to Arthur: “Hey. Let's postpone the date. I'm not in the mood today.”
"Hey. Is something happened?"
“Yes, I was immersed in the ocean of my memory. That's all."
“Maybe I can help with something? If you want, I'll bring the wine. Red, for example.”
“If I should drink, then something stronger would be better.”
“Wow! Even so? Oh well. Rum, whiskey, cognac, vodka?”
I thought a little. Why not? He was a good company and it’s better to be with someone than alone in a broken state.

"Ok. Come with rum and coke.”
"Good. Coming soon.”
Strange, but his willingness to come at the moment when I was not OK, started to melt my heart. He came quickly enough, so to speak, with a bottle of rum, cola and some snacks. Jokingly, we poured a cocktail and he asked:
“So what happened?”
“I just found my old diary,” there was no strength to put sadness from my voice. As trying to pretend and smile. “And so much emotions flooded me that ...”
I didn’t finish. He came up to me, hugged, lifted my face to his gently and just kissed. I disappeared in that kiss. At this point, I felt like a main character of the novel. After all, only in novels a man destroys all your worries with a simple kiss. Only in the novel two people do not need extra words. Only in the novels there are knights, though not in shining armor, but with wings behind their backs. Only in novels…

Once again we had sex, but now everything was somehow different, I don’t know why. We were naked in the bed. He hugged me, and I clung to his chest. I couldn’t say this:
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
“For that you came.”
“Thank you.”
I wanted to ask: “For what?”. But I decided to just enjoy this moment of calm and solitude. Most importantly, he was now with me at the moment when it was so necessary for me.
We laied down a little bit more, and then he, a little embarrassed, asked:
“I will go?”
“Okay,” I replied. “If you like.”
He got dressed, I threw on a dressing-gown and went to accompany him to the corridor. Leaving, he hugged me again and said goodbye. Arthur left apartment. Nothing helps so much from sadness, pain as a strong man’s hugs and a kiss.

From that evening, I began to realize that Arthur was not just “sex” for me. I looked at him in a completely different way and I liked what I saw. I wanted to get to know him better, but I also didn’t want to impose myself, so I just continued to play my part in that game. But no one is perfect, including Arthur. A couple of times we agreed on a date, but he never came. As it turned out later, for the first time he was with a friend, and the second he slept over the date. I was full of indignation. How can one manage to do this? Is it really impossible to set a reminder or an alarm clock if you are not sure that you will be in time for the date? But I couldn’t express my indignation. I thought that I simply had no right.

The situation was aggravated by the fact that I was waiting for these dates. My body wanted his touches, kisses. Apparently, unconsciously for myself, I began to fall in love with him. And at the same time, I denied my feelings for him as much as I could. I tried to convince myself that nothing would work out, that we would never have a relationship. I really wanted to mistake on that one.

On my birthday, Arthur called me to congratulate and as a kind of gift he offered to fulfill any of my wishes. I knew what I wanted, but I doubted that he would be able to fulfill my desire. Most of all I wanted a family. For a man to be not only faithful to me, loving, desirable, supportive, but also to be my ally, lover, husband, friend. Of course, this all meant that I must be faithful, loving, willing and supporting in return, as well as being an ally, lover, wife and friend. I needed reciprocity. That our goals coincided with one another and everything else was the little things in life, most of which can be solved.

I began to doubt that he would be able to fulfill my desire. And the previous bad experience only added fears and doubts. In the end, I decided that I would relieve him of the duty of “wish fulfillment”. After a little thought, I decided that it was worth stopping these dates, because I had the impression that I just walk senselessly along the rope, unable to reach my goal. It was necessary for me to change something in my life and Arthur could hardly help me with this. I gathered my strength and wrote to him: “You know, I’m not sure that you can fulfill what I want, so I’m freeing you from this. And let's stop these dates.” It seemed that some changes should happen, but they didn’t. Arthur didn’t answer me, and I decided to turn my attention to other men.

Just at that moment Denis turned up to me. We had a nice conversation with him, and it seemed that we could have a romantic relationship under a good combination of circumstances. I decided to take a chance. He invited me to his City Day, luring me by all sorts of events. I read, looked at them and came to the conclusion: “Why not? If I don’t like him, I’ll at least have a good time.” If I should talk about the result - I spent time not as I hoped.

I informed him at what time I will be in the city, but he was still an hour late. And it had nothing to do with traffic congestion. Realizing that Denis decided not to bother himself with the date, I decided that I would conduct an experiment and find out how far I could go and what I was capable of. When, finally, we met, I already knew that with this person I would have only what I would be interested to know about myself.
We walked, joked, talked. I can’t say that I felt comfortable with him; rather, his company was indifferent to me. He amused me as part of an experiment. At some point, we went into a cafe and, having climbed into a rather secluded place, sat down at a table. It is worth saying that during our communication on the phone I once said that a few seconds are enough for me to understand whether a person is suitable for me or not. He decided to use it, but it didn’t help him. He met me in sunglasses. While we were walking, he didn’t took them off. Going into a cafe and sitting at a table, Denis blocked with himself an already small passage and began to look intently into my eyes. From the outside it looked ridiculous (it was worth some effort not to laugh), but the focus didn’t work.

The experiment must continue. I ordered myself strawberry soup, and Denis himself a mint drink. We continued our conversation and while I was enjoying the dessert, he looked at me as if ready to undress right in the cafe. He periodically opened his mouth, as if he was ready to lick me as if I was an ice cream. On the one hand, such lust flatters, on the other, it’s annoying. Most likely, this whole situation amused and angered at the same time, but I had to hold on, because the experiment was not yet over. After the cafe we went for a walk. Learning more about Denis, I realized that I didn’t really like him. He is weak. He lacked the core of masculinity. By himself, he was soft and pliable enough, which I did not like. And the fact that he was quite wealthy didn’t interest me.

We stopped at one of the parking lots, sort of like going to the next destination, but since time allowed us not to rush, we were in no hurry.
“May I kiss you?” Denis was clearly in anticipation.
“Ok,” I decided that the piece would not fall off from me and the experiment was continuing.
We kissed and I felt like I had gelatin in my mouth. Although, candy would be more useful than that kiss. Judging by his reaction, when the kiss was over, Denis was delighted. I didn’t share his enthusiasm. It remained to mentally tick the item: "kissing a person indifferent to you."

With the thought: “a piece of meat will not fall from me”, I allowed him to hug me and sometimes kiss. Although closer to the evening I started to get bored. It was especially unpleasant when Denis, sitting behind the wheel, licked my hand. I asked him to stop, and he decided to play on my nerves and did everything so that my hand was with him and he could “kiss” it. Patience was drawing to a close, but I wanted to maintain a polite image, which I did with all my strength.

At some point, I thought: “Could I sleep with Denis?” And I realized that in fact I could. And moreover, he would be glad, he would be ready to bring me to a friend in another city by car, but I did not need it. I limited myself to letting myself to be huged and we parted.
Sitting in the train, I realized that I can’t stop thinking about Arthur. He touched me with a kind of tenderness, affection, confidently, not trying to hurt. His kisses were always hot, kindling the fire of passion in me. I was not able to throw Arthur out of my head and on the one hand it pleased, but on the other made me saddened.

When I got to Olesya, I told her about my adventures and emotions. And my heart continued to rage as I thought or imagined Arthur's touch. But the experiment had to be continued, because the second day of events remained, where I really wanted to visit the circus show.

And again Denis, referring to his busyness, made him wait a little over an hour. This was already beginning to annoy me, given that I had informed my arrival time in advance. But this time I went where I wanted - to the fair - without waiting for Denis. Walking around the fair, at some point I began to feel uncomfortable, as if someone was following me. Looking around, I saw aside Denis, who was photographing me stealthily. I became unpleasant, but I decided to control myself. When he reached out to kiss me, I did not give him the opportunity to do so. Denis was upset and didn’t want to accept my explanation that he did not attract me, so I don’t see the point in the tenderness.

And then it turned out that he needed to return home, since he forgot to close the second car. I didn’t really want to go with him, but I went a little bit forward. We agreed that I would wait for him in the car while he runs after the keys and closes the car. He wanted me to go up to his house. I felt somehow completely uncomfortable. As if I were a bird that someone wants to imprison in a cage. No thanks, I don’t want to be imprisoned in any cell again. As a result, it turned out that the keys to the second car were in his pocket and all that had to be done—was to press a couple of buttons.

As time allowed, we went to an Italian restaurant after we returned to the city center. The previous day, Denis, as if jokingly, said when we were in the cafe: “I pay for this, and you pay for the next.” To which I replied: “No problem.” And I wondered how big his manhood was? Can he allow a woman to pay for himself? The time has came to find out. We each ordered our own dish and at some point I caught myself thinking about Arthur. I was wondering how he would behave in a restaurant? Should I pay the bill? With Denis, yes. For me, this was not a problem, but I was convinced for myself in the absence of a certain core of masculinity in Denis.

I do not know. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I like it when a man behaves courageously. This includes paying for food in cafes or restaurants. At least simply because that is how a man can confidently show his merits, make a good impression. But every coin has a downside. For any woman, going to a restaurant is also an opportunity to show oneself in the best way, to interest in oneself. Not always, however, we as people are able to make a good impression. No one is safe from mistakes.

Denis photographed the dish when they brought it, and asked me why I did not. I became uncomfortable again and I took a picture of my dish for show. We tried to talk at ease, but Denis could not hide his frustration that he was not interesting to me. How could he try to convince me that a man should be at least seven to eight years older than a woman? To which I replied that I don’t like men who were older than me by more than three years. Although not everything is so simple here, because not every peer I will like, I am very picky in my choice. Out of politeness, I agreed with him at a certain moment, but I remained unconvinced.

When, after the restaurant, we came to the place where the circus was arranged, the performance was over. I realized if I hadn’t been messing with Denis, I could have enjoyed the circus show alone. This was the last straw, after which Denis became completely unpleasant to me. He took me to transport and I started writing the pros and cons of the date. There were more minuses, and the pros were far-fetched. I could not write only cons, because lowering one's self-esteem was not part of my plans.

While the bus was traveling to its destination, I continued to analyze the last two days and realized that I was not able to get Arthur out of my head. There was something attractive about him for me. Yes, he was not perfect, but he always treated me with respect. He did not try to deceive me, rather, on the contrary, he was honest with me. By his actions it was clear that he was not trying to use me. The same was visible in his eyes. Looking into my eyes he didn’t try to find someone there, he saw me. What I felt with him, I did not feel with anyone before and I liked it.

In the end, I wrote to Arthur that I can’t get him out of my head and I’m going to let everything go as it goes. On this we agreed. Our dates continued as I continued to suppress my feelings for Arthur, repeating: “There will never be anything between us. It's impossible".

***
The game of “friends with benifits” can be played until a certain point. But this moment can either be delayed or accepted. I delayed as much as I could. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I wanted more from Arthur. The situation was aggravated by the fact that the work took too much strength and there was no desire to try to establish a personal life. I put up with it.

It so happened that Arthur had to leave indefinitely, which he did. At first, we still had a warm conversation, and then I began to feel myself as “Hatiko.” Realizing this, it was unpleasant for me. So very soon I wrote to Arthur: “Hi, you know, it is unknown how long you will be there, but I don’t want to be “Hatiko”. Let everyone be true to them self, okay?” He agreed. We started to communicate likely less.

At some point through the Internet I met Valentin. He was ten years older than me. “He is just like everyone else,” I assured myself. “You cannot constantly hide behind prejudice. After all, who knows, maybe you can accept him.” So I agreed to meet with Valentin. He came to me from another city for two hundred kilometers, which speaks for itself, and then returned home, because on the next day he needed to work. And it seemed like the goals coincided - the desire to create a family, but something was missing. We met twice and on the second date I, having a hard time getting together, refused him.
Then, one day, a colleague and I went to a local club to relax. There I met two men. One was a businessman who decided to relax and he fitted well into our humble company. Another, as it turned out, was an adult student. But first things first.

We had a pleasant conversation with the businessman and parted, although at some point he tried to kiss me, in what he didn’t succeed. Then I stumbled upon a schoolboy by accident and as a result I couldn’t get him off. He persuaded me to stay with him, didn’t give me the opportunity to leave, at some point he picked me up. Only in the morning I remembered about Arthur and he was the best way to get rid of the kid.
I didn’t think about Arthur that evening, I didn’t wanted to. Apparently, he should have left so that I would not think about him. So that there was no opportunity to meet. We got in touch again, met, slept. Who was he to me? Just comfortable sex? Maybe.

I did my best not to bother, not to be obsessive, not to sound desperate. Was I like that? Partially possible. Apparently, I again decided for myself that I found a man in whom there is something special. A man who is inherently better than it seems at first glance. I was ready to put up with his mistaks if there was a place for me in his life. But something inside was whispering: “only sex is between you.”

No one is perfect and I understand that. I can also screw up, be mistaken. I am a human, like him. But who am I for him? Just affordable sex? These thoughts were prompted by everything that happened between us. We kept our distance from each other, stubbornly keeping us close. But something inside attracted me to him anyway. No matter what, I wanted to know him closer. I wanted to become for him more than just a sex partner. I wanted to support him in difficult times. To help with something in some situation. I wanted to give him more positive emotions, maybe goals. I wanted to be important to him, just as he became important to me.

But not everything is destined to come true. Not all desires are destined to be fulfilled.
We continued to meet. He continued to be honest with me. I continued to realize that I was not in his future. I am not in his plans of which he spoke.

Again, I myself laid on the man too many of my desires, which he simply is not able to fulfill. It's time to admit my mistakes and move on.
But the question remained: “Could I love Arthur?”. Yes, he may not be perfect, but he is better than it might seem at first glance. It was next to him that I realized that there are men in our world. With them you feel like a woman, weak and sometimes defenseless, no matter how strong you are. There are men whose touch will not annoy you, you will desire them. There are men who with one kiss can dissolve your problems, that they will seem small and insignificant to you. There are men whose hugs sometimes warm better than a blanket or a fireplace.

It remains to believe that there are men who are not afraid of any obstacles and they are ready to overcome everything in order to prove to the whole world that you are his queen, and he is your king.
All that remains for me to do is to admit, finally, that Arthur, apparently, was for me only another chapter of the book. I needed him to get closer to my ideals, to understand what I want. I needed him exactly when it was necessary. Probably, he simply should remain my magical memory, the man whom I wanted, but in whose life I had no place. I just want to believe that one day Arthur will find his happiness and will not miss it. After all, everyone in this world is worthy of happiness, love, understanding, support.