Creating Imaginary Mother

 Meeting with Real mother

I called my Real mother and asked for meeting. She expressed her joy to see her baby. I was twice grandma already, but my Real mother used baby talk with me (when we were not in quarrel.)to show how happy she was
She probably stacked on the time when I was little baby with little problems and completely denied what came out of that baby, because she just did not like it.
What for me I denied  the Real mother as in my mind my Real mother did not connect to an image of  “Mother” to me. That is what happened. I tried to find “mother” in different people-my mother in law, the mothers of my friends, just women, which corresponded to the image in “Mother” I was carrying in my mind.
And so that morning I went to visit the Real mother having as always in my thoughts the Imaginary one
Imaginary Mother is the one who can hear me, cared about my real needs what really bothered me and did everything to help me to solve it and trying to alleviate my pain. The issue I was having that morning which made me to make that meeting was the serious one.

My daughter was in trouble and it seemed to me the only person who was able to solve it was my Real mother as it was created by her. Many years ago when my behavior was not good by some reasons the mother complained about it to everybody, including my brother with whom we used to have good relationship and basically we sided with each other against mother's second marriage. So, in result of mother anti-daughter activity the brother joined mother against me.

Then together they influenced my daughter against me and so our relationship with my daughter became troublesome. Because of that my daughter experienced a lot of mental troubles and all my attempts to help her became useless. . My brother with his negative attitude towards me got a strong influence on my daughter. Both I and my daughter suffered because of that.I saw the way to change the Situation to better, but brother's attitude and his influence on my daughter made it impossible...and as usual I was the one to take blame.

I explained to mother that if she would try to stop that destructive environment among relatives, it would be good for everybody and for my daughter especially. Mother’s husband was there ready to support me, but he did not believe that mother was capable for such deed .

So, that morning I went to Real Mother with intention to destroy that relative "community", where everybody is against each other but peacefully present as pictures in Real Mother albums and hanging on the walls around the house-one big happy family.

HYPOCRISY in ACTION
 
I asked Real Mother if she'd like to change things to the better. She enthusiastically agreed of course. Then I presented the real problems and issues which she did not really paid attention much.

She usually prefers to hear that everything is OK. The only real problem in the world is  her own health issues. With all that she insisted that she always cared about how everybody was doing. She is proud that she always asks my daughter how I was doing and got a nice answer that everything was fine (real American way between people who want to know nothing about each other and want to be positive)

I tried to bring mother’s attention to Real me who was sitting in front of her telling her how things really were, and how she could help, but she obviously was concentrated on her own caring deeds.  She did ask recently my daughter how I was and got the answer that everything was fine, so what I was talking here about she did not really understand. Further explanations on that topic resulted as usual on her headache.

SIMPLE REQUEST

I  tried to bring up the point that my daughter get the problem which I had for so many years until I got separated from family and took care myself of the problem. Still Real mother was ready to help and the only reason preventing her from that was that she did not know what she should do. She seemed did everything she could. So, I asked her to do very specific clear little thing which could help a lot. Brother promised to do one thing, but instead did another. Mother was a witness of that and seemed was completely on my side frustrated with brother's behavior as well. I asked her to influence brother and to make him to do what he promised to do. That was all.

She promised to get an answer to me. I knew the answer myself, but wanted very much to see how my Real mother would do something what I asked and what I needed so much. I still had a hope!!! That is very strange of me to always believe that people can behave differently than they usually do. My numerous psychologists always were surprised with that, showing me by own example that “healthy normal” people are not prone to change their behavior and attitude. But something is totally wrong with my hope mechanism (could be an Asperger thing)

I openly asked mother to stay with me to the end -to be on my side at least once in life time and to clear up that issue. "Why brother promised to do one thing, but did the opposite?" Sure that was what I'd expect from the Imaginary Mother of mine, the one who would care about me.

SELF comes FIRST

So, the enthusiasm of my Real Mother was disappearing very quickly, because she realized that getting the answer I wanted to get could put mother in some trouble with her son and her daughter in law, and she depended on them. So, she as usual made her choice which was not for my behalf..started to lie ..and for sure she blamed me for that....which was also nothing new……Then things went its usual way. She tried to convince everybody that nobody could understand what I wanted. That I was the only bringing troubles to everybody, etc, etc... nothing new

Many years ago when I could not understand why relatives treated me the same negative way, although I already became a different person and didn’t do those things they used to complain about. My daughter  explained me that no matter what I do, my relatives made their mind about me ONCE and for ALL in a negative way and nothing could change it. When I realized that, I chose to stay away from them completely, When they tried to get my daughter into the same attitude I had no choice, but returned to old “battlefield” and I wanted to transform the battle field  into “peaceful field where nice things are thriving”, but the Real Mother did not let me do it.

CREATING IMAGINARY MOTHER

Then I turned to Imaginary Mother idea again. I decided to make her REAL. I forced my Real mother to write down apology to me and signed it up, - apology I’d like to get from my Real mother for things which affected my life in negative way. She did not want to do that, she screamed on me and cursed me, she sent me to Hell. I insisted on it, threatened to her, used her husband help and I eventually got it from her all written down and signed
The letter was addressed to my daughter. In that letter mother asked forgiveness for treating me badly. She also asked my daughter to send me her apology .
She asked forgiveness for all those nasty things she did to me which turned my life into hell and for making me a Scapegoat for different family issues and her own actions

By that I made Imaginary Mother real. She did mistakes as everybody does, but she was able to realize them, even in a very old age, it still counted for me and I was ready to forgive her everything. In my mind I did not want the Perfect Mother

And I hoped the Real mother would not exist for me any more. I wished  her the best, I wished her to live a long life. And I wished her never realized what she did to me, because I believed that if she would really realize  how much she hurt my life and life of others it could be the horrible moment for her. I’d be terrified to experience the moment like that, so let her believe, that she was a great mother and never know how her children were affected by her.

What for mother! Well, this letter didn’t affect her at all. She continued her regular way. Mother never had any doubts about herself. Completely healthy  normal psychic

What for me, well, I have The Apology Letter which makes My Imaginary Mother real for me and I was satisfied with that and she was much more Real to me now. Imaginary Mother was somebody who, would never hurt her child and was able to give support and care and for her I existed the way I was in my reality. And that Mother had no problem to accept it. And all of that was written in that letter

Probably I took this idea from my psychologist. Usually psychologists cannot help with creating sincere relationship and give some fake solutions as “be you a mother for yourself” I did try. It didn’t work

REPENTANCE for SOUL

After that Life went completely “out of hands” and I forgot about that letter and the idea of Imaginary Mother as a substitution for the real one. Relatives made a lot of nasty things to me. More stronger Hell depriving me communication with my grandkids not only with my daughter

I still hoped on something positive from Real mother. When I felt especially bad I called her telling how things are in real life and asked her for repentance of her actions which hurt her family members. She was already more then 90 y.o. and I hoped she’d think about her soul.  She responded her usual way:  ” I talked to your daughter yesterday. She said everything is all right” My daughter is not like me. She figured out how to talk to grandma –the usual American programmed way
-How is everything!
-Everything is fine!

Unlike me she didn’t believe in people’s inner changes. Maybe because her own changes happened under influence of other people and that was a different story. I still couldn’t leave a hope and kept asking mother to get on my side against her beloved son. Even if I’d learn from many life stories that mothers usually prefer to stay by son’s side and daughters are suffer from negative attitude. As usually mother promised to help me. As usually she lied. As usual I believed her lie till it was obvious that she was lying. Brother stopped that story blocking my number. He didn’t tell me when mother died depriving me the opportunity to part with her nicely. I did prepared a good speech and good message for her Soul, but was deprived that opportunity

 LETTER

Recently I contacted my daughter to discussed some important Fact, but doing it in a manner which worked for us when we lived together without relatives ‘involvement. We decided to try. And at that time going through my papers suddenly I found that Letter and was completely puzzled to me. It was as a Ghost. How such a letter could be written? Especially it was scary as it appeared in that exact time when we tried to return to our Source when I was a Mother for my daughter and she was a Daughter to me and My Mother was out of the picture…waiting for her time. When the right time came she destroyed everything so much that seems nothing could be restored as now my daughter wanted to hear only the positive ,that everything is just fine "всё возвратилось на круги своя"

The PERSON ASSUMES the LORD  DISPOSES

It was not easy to raise a child alone and I hoped when she gets married and her husband would take care of her I could take real care of myself. Could relax from worries and responsibilities. But the folk wisdom says “little children, little troubles, big children , big troubles”
Well,  also I hoped to improve myself,to create peaceful existence with relatives  and do something useful for those kids and adults who needed help
And it seems the only way left for me is to get that letter of Imaginary Mother  and create Imaginary Daughter
And that is some very funny Life Scenario “how I wanted to live a peaceful life with normal people” And here my son-in law which diagnosed me with "Living in Illusion world" Well, not everybody could survive the real one