Yet One More Inquired Day

A MORNING TIME with  AUTISTIC BOY
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Recently the school the autistic boy I care for attends closed for vacation. It seems a strange time for vacation, since all other schools appeared open. When he asked me to take him to bowling place I told his mother that it probably was not a good I a good day, since it was not a weekend. We went however, but no one was there. The Boy was disappointed, even though I paid for his game
I offered him some lunch, but he refused. I started to eat mine, hoping he’d join me, but he did not. I took out the computer, hoping we’d type something together. No luck !
He wanted to know where the other players were. I explained it was Monday , not the weekend and not the usual Sunday when we usually come .People were at work or in school
He was upset and I suggested we go to nearby Shop to play video-games. He refused, so I suggested we go home, but he did not want to. I suggested another game, but he didn’t want to and seemed distressed. I had never seemed him that way and did not know how to comfort him. He wanted nothing else, but watching other people playing. I felt sorry for him, but we couldn’t do anything, but wait.
Then a group of Chinese girls came in and the boy came alive. His usual smiles lighten his face. But the girls went upstairs where video-games were. Soon a few Chinese young men entered and also went upstairs.
The WOMAN in CHARGE

It was time to return the bowing shoes unless he wanted to play again. The boy reluctantly agreed to return the shoes, but obviously did not want to leave. The Cashier Woman encouraged us to leave, saying that we could not stay there because they were expecting two schools for bowling.
I was suspicious that the woman just didn’t want us there. I tried to find a reason for that, but could not. We were sitting quietly, did not bother people, did not make any noise, Nor leave a mess. We paid for our game and expected nothing for free. She plainly wanted us out of the place. It became clear.
The Cashier Woman had pretty imposing look not only her size, but also by her look. She obviously enjoyed the privileges which went with her position. Her work place where she kept shows was pretty small which only brought up her greatness

 The boy returned the shoes and reluctantly put his own on. We were prepared to leave, but at that moment the entire group of young Chinese people, boys and girls came downstairs to play. I knew then I would never get the boy out now. He was going to watch the game! Period! Consider how long he was waiting for that.

We sat in a corner of the hall next of them and watched them play, giving “high five” when they made strikes. The boy was extremely happy-shining from such pleasure! He was so enamored that he began giving them instructions now and then. I tried to stop him, but the girls seemed to have fun, when he approached them with his remarks. Although he is 10, his voice is high pitched and funny.  Autistic kids can be cute and a lot of fun. I relaxed, but still felt negative waves, coming from the direction of that Woman in charge. The game was over and I started to get the boy get dressed and out of there, but he didn’t want to leave.
At that point The Woman Cashier started to berate me right in front of the boy, saying our behaviour was unacceptable, because we could not spend the entire day there. Especially, since they had two schools coming. She said we had broken the rules. I tried to have a few words in, but to no avail
She just kept telling me off, that we could not spent the whole day there, (only 1, 5 hour passed), that they expected two schools coming, that we broke rules. I did not try to argue or defend our behaviour. I just wanted to know what rules we had broken, so that we wouldn’t break them in the future, but she just kept ranting. Finally I managed to ask, "The boy likes to watch games. I need to tell his mother how long he is allowed to watch games.” She only asked if I was in charge of the boy, after questioning back and forth she said “Half an hour” I thanked her profusely and we quickly left. I had felt the support of the boy as it seemed he understood the whole situation. How could I consider half an hour as the most we could have.

AN AFTERNOON with A THERAPIST
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Later that same day I visited my therapist discussing my issues of dealing with people I had already discussed relationships with the three agencies I worked for to care of disable children. The therapist considered it “pushy” to expect answers. Yet I wasn’t satisfied with ambiguity. Nothing was clear for me from those visits. I had hoped to get some useful answers from the therapist, but didn’t get any so far
During the last visit we agreed that nothing could be done to
change my situation with the agency from the therapist point of view and the best thing for me to do in that situation was “to deal with my frustration”. And there the Therapist was able to help me because she knew better than me how to do it. That made a sense to me and I got a hope that maybe all those visits would give me something useful eventually-the skill how to deal with frustration.

THE HOPE of GETTING USEFUL SKILLS

So that day I came hopeful and prepared to learn how to
deal with my frustration from my inability to get answers I need from people. I’m always eager to learn new things especially in that area. So, I put myself comfortable in my usual place on the couch and said looking at the Therapist. Therapist as usual drown in her deep arm- chair.  She was small a fair, always dressed in black which made her even smaller. But she had pretty strong powerful voice. Probably it was a nicely thoughtful image influencing clients through the right sounds and smart words

- “Dealing with frustration!”
She stared back at me with the question on her face “What
are you talking about?” I always forget that therapist shouldn’t remember my stuff and every new appointment as a completely new in some sense.

-“Last time you said that today we’d discuss how to deal with
frustration”,  I tried to explain better

-“Tell me what you feel frustrated about?” she asked
calmly

It was as a bomb to me and my reaction was rather emotional

-“What do you mean? I told you so much about that, explaining
the situation, reading stories, bringing email exchange with those people and now you ask me what my frustration is about?”

It was really terribly unfair as I explained situation in details during a few visits

“Tell me again” she said quietly

“O, no” my voice started to raise. It not the first time I
raised my voice on her and every time it was the same reason-she asking me to repeat the same things over and over.

 “No, I cannot tell the same stuff over and over. I already told you everything”. –I couldn’t imagine to start everything from the beginning

“What did you tell me? What exactly you are frustrated
about?”

DEALING with FRUSTRATION

At that moment I was frustrated with her

-“Ok! Here it is”,- I took out the email exchange with agencies people which we were studying and discussing last time, but somehow I felt that I should bring them again as I’d need them again

” Here, emails, don’t you remember?” –I shake the air with the bunch of paper , hoping to bring some point

“Sure I remember, but read them to me” –she was calm and quiet as statue

“But we read them already, last time, it is the same stuff” I was
probably already screaming, because she also changed her “no emotion” attitude and became emotional

“Don’t scream at me. I don’t like being screamed at. I’m too sensitive. I cannot tolerate screaming. I’m here to help you, not to be creamed at”.

It was so much similar behavior to one of our woman-resident in a place for people with mental problems where I worked. That woman used words ”I’m too sensitive” as her main weapon against others when she did not like something.

The funny side of the situation where my Therapist and my client
do the same thing calmed me down immediately and I decided to
continue and see what’d happen. It was not any choice anyway. More of that. The situation with morning woman-cashier in bowling place came to mind as well
I was trapped. No way out!

So I got relaxed and started to read the emails which contained the least ambiguity in it and reflected the less complicated situation compare to others
Everything is relative!

The emails were about my exchange with the woman from the agency who was given assignment from her authority to find prospective
clients for my program. I sent all necessary info to her which she asked and waited for result. In 2 weeks I politely and asked her how things were going. I explained her that I need to know that in order to decide should I rely on it in term of waiting or try another place.

In response she apologized for not coming back to me sooner, saying
that she “did not have luck so far” and suggested to resume the issue after Passover which was about 2 months later.

Earlier I shared with the Therapist my previous
similar experiences with “Let’s talk after ….” …some holiday which usually resulted in nothing…just postponing

So I was not satisfied with “after Passover “suggestion and
asked the woman about more details of her “no luck” answer. Those details could give me some information in order to decide how to proceed. I could figure out if she was going to do something or just politely avoiding to deal with that.
“No luck” and “after Passover” was not enough for anything. I decided to push things asking for details of “no luck”.  I did not get any response which was helpful by itself.
If she would care she’d not leave my email without the answer. And so for me the answer was clear now, but frustration from dealing with people remained

After I finished reading the email exchange (which was the
only communication with that person) the therapist again asked me

-“What frustrated you there?”

I decided to go to the end and get from the therapist what I was promised –important skill-“how to deal with frustration”

“I’m frustrated about dealing with people” –I calmly repeated

Therapist asked for the paper and started to study emails herself

“What exactly frustrated you there?” and I calmed explained it again

“ I did everything in order NOT to be frustrated. I was polite as you could see from emails, very short not to waste people’s time, straight to the point, I provided her with needed information the same day, spending time for it, I waited for two weeks before I asked for result. I’m frustrated with result ”

She looked into email and said “but she told you to wait
after Passover”. And there I started to lose my tempter again. I stopped her from further reading

“But we already discussed with you what “after Passover” means in that situation, especially that she ignored my last email with quest for details of her “no luck” information” –I remained her the details of the deal
FINALLY-UNWRITTEN RULES

The therapist changed her way of presentation and started to explain my wrong behavior
1. Expecting clear answers were too demanding
2. Asking for details of “no luck” was too pushy

3) Making an assumption that nothing would happen after the Passover- was just wrong all together

She probably forgot that during the last visit we seemed agreed it was  a very big possibility that nothing will happen “after Passover”
But again I should remember that things are not should be the same. Therapist should be in a different mood. She should have personal issues, some trouble in the family or whatever. I should not be too hard on people. (So I seemed broke another rule!)
But I couldn’t remember all those helpful thoughts when dealing with people as I concentrate on” a theme in front of me”

As I again broke many rules already , so I decided to break  one more  I raised my voice again.
Therapist started to shame me that she is there to help me, but I’m raising my voice at her. I apologized explaining that I’m just being frustrated (still I’ve learned something after all)

“I’m really sorry. Still what to do with frustration I have from that interaction?” - I remained her peacefully still having a hope to get what I needed to

THE PLAN

She said that I needed to make a plan. My mistake is my
wrong negative assumption. I made the assumption that she just pushed me away and would do nothing after Passover. If I’d not do that negative assumption, and would keep it neutral, I’d not be frustrated.

OK, if forget that it was about work for me which I either
get here or should move on and look for another possibility, so cannot just wait for something I don’t believe in, then therapist’s theory made sense.

So, I agreed with making a wrong assumption and asked what
would be the next step.

“Wait without frustration till Passover will be over” –she explained

“OK. And then what?” –I was eager to hear her plan of actions

“Then we’ll see. We don’t know yet” –was the answer

“What we don’t know? We know everything. We were postponing the frustration till April. In April it could be two possible outcomes-positive showing that I was wrong in my assumption or negative showing that my assumption was right.  So if the outcome would be negative and b I need to deal with frustration anyway, only in April.
So what should I do then? How I’d deal with frustration according to your suggestion “ –I again relaxed and made myself comfortable in my corner preparing to learn important life skills

“We will talk about that in April,- was the therapist response

That made me to rebel and probably my voice became stronger as well

“No, lets discuss it now. I need to know how. Tell me the whole
plan, please Tell me what I am supposed to do in April according to that plan? You said you know better, than me how to deal with frustration, so that is all…tell me now” –I almost attacked her

“You are too demanding and pushy. You don’t have a right to
push me. You should not tell me how I’m supposed to do
my work, etc, etc” –she started to lecture me

The therapy was over. I thanked her for her services politely. We both played good game of “farewell party”

I kept my own rule
“No matter what happened in situations, when there is no continuation any more part nicely with people to avoid waves of bad vibes hitting the back”.

Still  how many laws and rules I broke during that particular day ?
How many of them and what they are?” I could not know ….

Ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking the law………
that is the most awful rule which put a person you in permanent position of being “guilty! “

AN EVENING with KAFKA
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That evening as all previous ones I tried to get some
answers in Kafka novels “Trail” and “Castle”, feeling “ at home” in both of them, carrying that eternal ambiguous guilt as continuation of my daily activities or finding some comfort for my frustration in dealing with the system and dealing with people in similar way the ” protagonist K., struggles to gain access to the mysterious authorities of a castle, who governs the village where he wants to work as a land surveyor”

Unlike K. who got some explanation from villagers about some rules of the Castle I hoped to get some from the Therapist , but instead I was just accused of breaking them. I’m often accused of breaking rules and laws, but I ‘m accused much harder for any attempt to find out those rules and laws

Kafka does not provide answers either. He did not finish” the Castle.”

“ but suggested it would end with the Land Surveyor dying in
the village; the castle notifying him on his death bed that his "legal
claim to live in the village was not valid, yet, taking certain auxiliary
circumstances into account, he was permitted to live and work there".