Chicken with Lemon

THEE FAILED GOALS

I came to visit Yura, a husband of my mother who was an amateur painter and an amateur writer in one face. He considered himself an unacknowledged genius and behaved accordingly.
I had 3 goals
1)To express my gratitude to  him with a present
2) Get his help as a painter about my own paining
3)To ask his advice as a writer on hard Life Situation
I failed all those goals miserably, getting something valuable instead…well as usual. That is a scenario I always play in life
I don’t belong to people who “know what they want and know how to get that.  I know only the first part and the second part I usually fail
With the usual after-event analysis I realized many mistakes. If I would present my issues in order I wrote above possibly the result would be better, but I presented them just the opposite way. In my mind it was like that
First the hardest part-Life Situation for the writer
Second the easy part-an advice for Master-painter
Third the pleasant part-expressing my gratitude
But of course I didn’t consider what is in mind of another party and what could be his attitude to all of that. Consider my inability to adjust to it and “Go with the Flow” the result was as usual

WHAT WAS WRONG with MY LEMON?

When Yura saw my pastels for the first time a while ago, he just pushed them away, without even looking and said "what a daub!" I wanted just to share with him my feeling of wonder and surprise that "out of the blue" I made pictures, which look as pictures and some people even like them. I still was under the impression of that miracle, but after Yura's reaction I quickly put my "miracle-daub" stuff far away and closed the topic. At least it was sincere a reaction, while reactions of others was doubtful. We were in America and I communicated mostly with Americans and for them person’s self-esteem was much more important than quality of painting. So I’ve heard a lot of delightful words about my painting.
Once I decided to improve my skills taking some lessons from a professional painter recommended to me. Her studio was full of very strange huge paintings-modern art, but she told me in order to get your own specific path every painter first should learn classic basic laws of paining. And she did a good job on it telling me amazing things about colors, how they look different next to other colors and so on. All that beautiful world of colors opened up and interaction with the instructor was just the whole amazing new territory to me. I never thought about before. But at the same time her way of teaching reminded me some daycare rules, where you have to praise every good or right step of the child.  The same way the painter encouraged me greatly and showered my every move with praises. Once I even stopped her stream of delight from my success in painting rather impolitely “Wait a second! I even didn’t do anything yet!” But that is in American blood- Positive energy! Smiles and pleasant small talk stuff.
That is what shocked me first after coming from gloomy Russian reality. But too much is also not good. That nasty human being nature always not satisfied, always in search for something which is not there. Well, Life is full of surprises anyway and full of choices at the same time!
So this time visiting Yura I didn't want to show him my paintings. I wanted to show him just a photo print, but pictures of paintings just were there, so he took them.
He said "O, your pictures! These are better (although it was the same pictures). Well, sure it looks as impressionism. As Cezanne " .
I felt where it could lead and trying to prevent it made a joke in order to change the topic
"Yes, you are not the first one saying that. Maybe I'm his reincarnation!"
Yura didn't get on the joke and continued with bitterness:
"Sure, you can sell your daub stuff quicker, that I can sell my paintings"
And Yura started to criticize my pictures by expressing his negative attitude towards impressionism overall. Yura knew that I loved impressionism. Maybe that made his critic especially pleasurable and inspiring , as he was for classical art and despised everything which was not the one he adored
I tried to interrupt Yura’s speech about impressionism by putting in front of him a picture, which I hoped to get his advice for. It was a vase of fruits, which I tried very hard to make look real and natural. I wanted to know his opinion. I wanted to hear the Master’s opinion. It was my true intention-to make fruits real. The grapes in a vase did look real, but a lemon was a dead one
I remember in a class especially I tried hard with the lemon, which stayed separately from the rest of fruits. It was a problem, so eventually I just cheated, copying it from a woman next to me. I was not happy with the result and wanted to learn how to get what I wanted to get-a real lemon. And somehow I thought that Master would be happy to share his skills with me. It was a huge mistake to think that way
When Yura saw the picture with a lemon his enthusiasm rose up
- "See, you see, it's camouflage. It's daub, it's NOT real"
 I again interrupted Yura, more persistently now
" Yes, Yura, I know, please tell me why that lemon is not real. What is wrong with that lemon?"
Yura’s voice escalated.
"I'm telling you. You interrupt me. Why you interrupt me? You cannot listen. You always interrupt. I'm answering your questions"….
 And Yura started with history of impressionists not being accepted by people, their paintings torn apart, etc, etc...." and I interrupted Yura again....I tried to talk in low voice and very softly otherwise it could go forever
"Yura, I just wanted to know what is wrong with my lemon, that it doesn't look real. I ask you as a painter, an expert in classic painting- what is wrong with my lemon-color, proportions, etc".....
I hoped flattering would help. People always advice to flatter, but it never worked for me. Probably I did a wrong job on flattering. This time I obviously did very bad. His response showed it -now it was already a Thunder...
."You don't let me talk. You interrupt. You cannot listen to...I'm explaining...I didn't finish yet.....I was listening to you for four hours... "
It was truth, he did listen to me for four hours before that
I blamed myself thinking "yea, maybe it's just only prologue, I need to be patient, people often complain about that".  I really wanted to know what was wrong with my lemon that it didn't look real and how I could fix it...So I apologized...and we sat back by the table and Yura resumed explanation.
He explained me what is looked like, when paining looked like real, gave a few examples, such as a cow wanted to eat leaves on somebody's painting, Rembrandt’s life was mentioned. Then in details with numerous examples, he explained me what is camouflage, gave examples with good camouflage, explaining that even the best camouflage is not the same as real.
 "Impressionism is uncombed untidy art"-he made his conclusion
It seemed to me as Yura finished or at least made pause for other person to respond, and then I stubbornly insistently asked my question, still in a very low soft voice. I thought I did ask the wrong question and wanted to correct it
"But all of that did not answer my question about the lemon. How to make it real? What is wrong with it-color, perspective, etc. All your talking, although interesting, but still does not help me to make my lemon real"...
And it was a huge mistake. Not only Thunder and Lighting, but an avalanche of fair rage fell on me
"Hell with your lemon! Who needs your lemon? I'm telling you such valuable information. Where else you can hear such things? You have no gratitude. I'm a writer. I'm telling you things, which nobody else would ever tell you! I'm spending my time on you!"
I murmured "I did not asked for that...I just wanted....my lemon”, …. Thank God he did not hear that. 
Although Yura was sitting, but I already got up and physically was over him. Mentally I felt as his Ego grew and grew and became stronger and stronger.  I heard a reproach
"I listened to you without an interruption for four hours" and then I’ve hear that: "You are Stalin, only you cannot kill".
 By that time I already lost orientation, I did not know what I was doing, who and where I was.  I started to shove my things into bag. I remember murmuring:
 "I just came to give you my camera. I wanted to thank you"
 "I don't need your camera"
I grabbed the camera. It almost fell on the floor. The flood of accusations poured on me "nobody can tolerate you". I yelled something back…..I saw him getting red...probably I was already burgundy....

THE VOICE

Next thing I remember sitting alone in an empty “A” train with doors closed. All people moved to another train, which left first and I was completely out of life at that moment. Well, losing orientation in space and time was a part of “communication with relatives”,  so I started to devour the food which was left from conversation with Yura. Somehow food usually helped to get mind  into a present moment.
Here I started to hear the voice from inside first hardly noticed, then stronger and stronger till a feeling of joy from very deep inside filled me up. It was feeling that this trip was actually good, because something big and light should come out of it.
By the time I came home I felt great...it felt so good to come back to my life, even if no human being was left there anymore. I woke up at 4:30 am felling huge joy inside….I felt .that Solution is there, here, in my hands finally. Solution I was greatly satisfied with. It was my Solution and details of previous day started to come back. Now more clearly.
 
FOUR HOURS TALK

Yes, it was true- he was listening to me for four hours, but did he really hear me. By his responses to my talk it was obvious, that nothing from what I said had any difference. Yura continued to see the same camouflage of me, which existed among relatives. It was created once and for all and no matter how much I’d try to change color, shape or proportions they would still see the same camouflage, which exists in their minds. They would discuss it endlessly, enjoying own perceptions of it, but would not pay any attention to real alive thing which could be in front of them. They would spent hours and hours explaining me the camouflage they see, expecting me to sit and listened to them as Yura wanted me to hear art lecture that day about impressionism
Why I still hoped that someday things would change? Why I still hoped on that to happen? Why I always hope to change people’s minds?
With Yura it was a special case. I did have a reason. Sometimes, when Yura was in a conflict with my mother or angry at her he saw things differently and saw me different as well. His whole attitude was different. Also I remember how he tried to help us to survive when we just came to America and got into unfriendly relative’s environment and Yura wanted to help us to escape with the only money he had. I remember many great things about him, but he carried Mother’s attitude and nothing could be done there. But great things are always great and should be celebrated. And that was my goal #1 which I failed miserably because Yura was not in a right attitude and I should consider it and check it first before starting to do anything
It was a trip to a unmovable Mountain named "Family Relationship" and it ended as usual

BACK in HISTORY

If to look for sequence of  events the story started a while before, when I decided to tell Yura that from all my close relatives, he is the one who did the least harm to my life and so I intended to thank him for that by giving him my old digital camera or by buying a new one or whatever would be his wish. We agreed to meet and discuss.
But right after that a Big Event happened-my daughter publicly announced that she joined Relatives’ anti-mother club (against me club)  and she felt very good about that.
So, go to Relative’s Camp the very next day had some special feeling and another very old idea came to my mind. For a long time I wanted to ask Yura to try to listen to me in behave of me only with the goal to understand what I was trying to say
Yura was a person with self-genius identification and he liked to talk himself. When he was talking he probably experienced some uplifting as he really enjoyed himself and he wanted to enjoy it as much as possible. He didn't need much of audience or more exactly the alive responding audience. As soon as somebody listened to him, or at least presenting there Yura would keep talking
He is an interesting talker, he knows a lot of interesting stuff...often too much to bear probably for a person who wants just a conversation or has a certain goal as I had.
Asking for a favor to listen to me with the only purpose of listening to me in order to understand wasn't seem as a workable idea...because he has to listen something which is an interest of mine, not his. Why he’d like it?

WRITER’S EXPERIMENT

That is why I offered him that an experiment. I said that I tried it already with other people, but failed. And applied to him specifically consider his writing ability. He would need to listen to me carefully in order to find any flaws, inconsistency, something against the logic or common sense…anything, but he had to follow my thinking only. It repeatedly failed with other people as they just put aside my train of thoughts which they see as wrong one and instead presented a train of their own
....still I like the idea and suggested it to Yura to try  as a writer’s experiment. I announced the major topic-My daughter  public announcement of her  membership in Anti-me Club.
Yura really tried to listen. He interrupted, but mostly with something irrelevant, something he wanted to get information from me for himself. He did not participate. He was not in My Thinking, I believe. He was not in My Train. I felt that I lost him. But did I ever had his attention anyway? The more I talked the more I went into that maniac mode of talking, interrupting myself with small details. I remember that I still had that hope to find something which would help me to show/explain  him what I saw/how I experienced things giving more and more details to support my vision. It felt as I was describing the picture and every details on that picture (flying bird, a small flower in the corner) are important to have the right impression from that picture in whole...
Well effect was quiet opposite. The more stuff I tried to bring in the more I felt that what was just the fence in front of me gradually was becoming a wall-a wall of not understanding and not accepting. So I tried to bring more heavy stuff in for breaking that wall, but the wall become more and more solid.
My own brakes were under control though and I finished pretty peacefully, saying that my description of Situation is finished and so
"What kind of Solution for that Situation you would offer as a writer?"
I expected some thinking at least or some summarizing or some efforts of at least trying to think about Solution, but the answer came almost immediately
 "What kind of Solution you want? There is no Solution"
It was said with the solid confidence and kind of blame on me how I could expect to get some...as it so clear as day and night and how I can even doubt that and wasting  time for that. I just wanted to be sure
“OK, OK, no problem "No Solution” IS your answer. It's OK...I just thought that as a writer you maybe would come up with something interesting or original...."
It was not a manipulative  question. I really hoped on that. And it was a deadly mistake to say that, because all kind of blames for creating the Situation as an artillery fire (bombardment) was directed to my side. He played me off for all the hours of forced silence he underwent. Part of that kind of reaction was his confession that he himself was a member of a club, which was not a surprise as Yura was pretty much dependable person
To stop the stream of blames I decided to use the strong weapon.
"Do you know what Solution my last psychologist offer for that Situation?"
Yura got an interest to hear that.
" Well, he said that I have to start with "chicken visits"? Strangely enough Yura immediately reacted that idea was a good idea

MOTHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP

What is "chicken visit" after all?
To explain it shortly it was something expected by my mother and probably others from her corner as acceptable “mother-daughter relationship”. Mother never said that when I tried to build some relationship with her. Yura was the one who explained me that. Relationship with my mother is the mountain of all kinds of negative hurtful stuff, which my whole life I tried to turn into something different, but never succeeded as it was one side efforts. Eventually I found a peace in simple closing all efforts and forget about it altogether. Mother as an old sick person who I used to care about was now taken care off by many sources, so she was OK in that department. I even filled the commandment of "respect your parents" by expressing my gratitude to her for bringing me into that world. I thought that from my side I did everything I could and could not understand why other side was not satisfied, but never offered anything as a Solution on their own, besides impossible ‘ I need to be a different person”
My efforts for creating peaceful balance didn’t bring any result as Mother continued her way by making my own daughter to join the club. An issue started again and Yura educated me on “mother-daughter” relationship by my request. He expressed some irritation, as if he was forced to explain an adult what day and night means.
Нe explained me that I should come to my mother, eat meal (usually chicken) discussed it (chicken taste) and ask for the recepy, ask about mother's health, maybe discuss some neighbors/relatives strange behavior, discuss the weather (well a service of socialization I used to do in residence with people with mental illness made me a profi on that).....And  no way any of personal issues are allowed...Then thank for the chicken and retrieve....and according to that those visits will do the trick. They would cover that huge ugly mountain of hurt and frustration and will make it a pretty looking and acceptable.... That was a Solution for an acceptable mother-daughter relationship“.
When my psychologist suggested those CV (chicken visits) as Solution for my Situation with relatives right after he was the witness of huge lie which they expressed openly towards me.
I was shocked when the Psychologist explained that those CV is the beginning. Well, it meant that he had no idea what was that to be me and what was happening overall. Months I spent trying  to tell him my lifelong road in those relationship, which eventually left me without a daughter and without grandkids.
So, after four hours of trying to explain Yura that my relationship with my daughter which once were based on trust, support and mutual understanding thanks for intervention from my dear relatives eventually turned into CV he offered it as Solution. Be honest that unlike my psychologist Yura at least agreed that CV was not a beginning, but Beginning and the END at the same time. That was ALL I can get from my relationship with "normal people" The circle completed.
My daughter sent me to my mother to learn the details of CV as the pattern of our new mother-daughter relationship.

“CHICKEN VISIT” EXPERIMENT

Seem only those fake CV will cover for that ugly mountain we created during our lives. Those CV is the only thing which is approved and permitted for me in case I would like to join "normal people" Club. "Step aside -execution"
My daughter did create such relationship with my mother and once I decided to participate. Everything was followed the scenario: chicken meal, exchange recipes’, discussing health endless issues. But that was something unexpected I was not prepared for. It was “presents distribution”. There is always things in any household which are not used, but they still could be used by somebody’s else. I tried to avoid the event, but was not allowed. Then I said something inadequate stating that I didn’t need anything as I had everything. That brought a strong negative reaction. My daughter explained me my wrong behavior pointing that I deprived mother (her grandmother) a pleasure of giving and by that I decided that I was not able even to create relationship based on Chicken Visits

WHAT IS REAL AFTER ALL?

And after the Solution with CV I turned to the main purpose of my visit to Yura- showing him my digital camera and if he liked it give it to him or buy for him the similar new one
So, I started to explain camera...and picture with lemon came up and took his attention and everything ended up in disaster
I did the wrong order of presenting my goals to Yura probably
First I had to present him a camera and then start other issues, but again if Yura would start with something what is interesting for him it was almost impossible to get him out of. Probably I hoped on his fresh mind to concentrate on my issues first. Selfish approach. Well, full crash of everything (as usual)
Visit to my past. I not only open the cover,  but got inside of that Mountain....trying to find something real there, but found only camouflages there, nothing real was there already for me-mountain of ugly pieces of trust and broken hopes, deformed expectations, betrayed friendship, suspicious, jealousy, accusations, etc, etc
What it real anyway?
Was I real during that visit anyway? It did not feel that I was real. Nobody perceived me as real anyway. No matter what new colors or shapes or sides of myself I try to show to my relatives they see only the camouflage they created themselves instead of real me. Should I see myself by my own eyes or by their eyes? And what could be the real thing?