Your selfish games

Oh how I want to show you my heart.
How it's shattered. And how much strength it takes to choose to laugh every day.

I will never find the courage to ask these questions but they are dancing in my head all day long. I know, I promised myself, you, my friends, that I'm okay, that I'm over, that I trust you. But the truth is, it's not natural. It takes a lot to make this decision and remind myself about it.

I'm still sad. I'm still disgusted. And yes, I still fell this awful pain. I'm just blocking it and letting the light to overcome the darkness.

I tell myself all those wise things like pain from the betrayal is just a pity to yourself because you felt exclusive, the one, but you weren't. I mean, hey girl, stop feeling sorry for your little self, the pain is not real. It works. But the heart keeps crying.

Sad songs still are about us. Angry songs still are about my feelings. But love songs are also about us. You tied me so hard.

I think about you two. Just can't help it, despite all my hard psychological work with myself. I get your "Good morning!" and my head draws her waking up in your arms, in your bed where I wasn't allowed because blah blah blah - theories you told me. Lies.
That's why I still don't wanna write to you first.

Were you worried to call her by my name by mistake? Or to send me something she was supposed to get?

How many times your "I fell asleep" meant lies "I was with her", and "I need to meet my brother" - "She is waiting for me"? Is it still happening? How does it feel to lie for so long time to people who matter to you?

Did you choose different days for your dates at least, or was there one right just after another? I wonder if sex is better with her. By the way, how regularly did you two meet, chat, call, made love? How did you spend your dates? And yes, I do want all those juicy details.

Now I get a lot. Everything was on the surface.
You didn't want me at your place not because you're a strange person, but because I could have found something of hers. Or maybe because she was allowed to come anytime and there could be an awkward situation.

We went far places to not to meet her suddenly, not because you love there so much.

You couldn't make plans with me because it would be hard to explain to her why are you suddenly out of town and probably would raise suspicions.

Your surprise about me giving you presents. I get it now.

Your "Happy new year" in the morning. And lying about it again and again. Ugh.

I get a lot.

I'm really understanding.
I get that life sometimes gets confusing and too complicated. But there's something I can't wrap my mind around.
Why the hell were you writing all those cute exclusive things to me (that's how they looked in my eyes) when you could've just taken it really slow, find a better excuse? You know that in my gut I felt it - you keeping me at a distance - but you kept arguing that it's not true. Why..?

It breaks my heart to a million pieces, but the most stupid thing there could possibly be - I feel that only you can mend it. And you better hurry.

I will try to stay strong every minute. Because we never know what's coming. Maybe you're my destiny and you came into my life to show me this terrible pain, to make me stronger and then to reward me with the biggest happiness there could possibly be.

And if this is a fucking contest, I'm all in. And I'll stay to win.

#D

20/03/2020