5. Brother 15

The bus rounded the square smoothly. Martha stared indifferently out the window... But a strange thing has happened: a few minutes later she suddenly felt regret, she even wanted to come back and look again...

No, she was sorry for her recent good mood: the same landscape flashed outside the windows - trees, small houses, new buildings, a gas station with a line of cars, but the music in her ears stopped, the birds scattered, and she didn't want to laugh anymore...

And again her state of mind changed: she felt anxiety growing in the air, stronger, stronger, stronger, like the wind before the storm. She wanted to jump out of the bus and run forward faster, faster home, to the phone. Surely Nutam is already calling. Maybe he wants to say something? Or maybe he was just late?

Yes… simple! If you are late, it means that you don’t need me! 

The anxiety was growing. She could hardly sit still. Inside, everything trembled and vibrated from an unknown tension. She tightly, to the whitened bones, clasped her fingers together to calm the feverish trembling...

She ran from the stop to the house. She called the elevator, but didn't wait, ran up the stairs to the fifth floor, jumping three steps at once. She opened the door and met… silence. Only grandmother was at home. She sat peacefully on the sofa in the sunlit room, going through old photographs.

- Granny, did anyone call?..

Grandmother looked at her with a clear gaze, not understanding. Since grandfather died, she increasingly fell into childhood, saw some non-existent people, events that did not happen at all, and only occasionally came back to normal state.

Martha realized that nothing could be achieved from her. Even if he called, she would never know about it... How stupid it all turned out! Without undressing, Martha began to walk from room to room, from the corridor to the kitchen and back, not realizing what she was doing.

Time was going. The phone was silent. Martha realized that she could no longer remain within the four walls; she could no longer endure this oppressive silence. She ran out of the house again.

Why didn't you come? Why? Maybe something happened?.. Were late? "I feel you so much, I feel you so much." Why don't you feel anything now and don't call?.. Or maybe you called while I was walking? Maybe you are still calling, and I, like a fool, run through the streets?!”

Martha rushed home again.

This did not pass by evening.
The phone kept ringing, the brothers took turns picking up the phone and chatting with their friends for a long time about various boyish trivia - videos, CDs, training - bullshit!

“Where does this pain come from and how to endure it? Something incredible. What is it? What?"

Martha could not explain to herself how and why it happened, but the world was crumbling before her eyes. She was losing something so dear! This random person, who had burst into her life from nowhere, meant more now than the entire past, the entire future.

Call me, please, Nutam, darling, I cannot bear this torture! Call!!! Well, where are you?.. Lord, make him call!" Time passed nauseatingly slowly. The evening did not end. He didn't call. But there was hope.

How she missed him!
In her wanderings through the streets, she returned and returned to the places where they were together. Here they met ... What a strange place - this unexpected descent down, and cars and people are there, above. And if she had not gone down then, but had gone that upper road?

Oh no, no, no! And these columns in the form of a Roman five, supporting the canopy above the door, as if two rays converging together... And right here, near these rays ... “Why do you look at me like that? Is it because I'm black? "

Oh no, no! Nutammi, please don't think so!.. What have you done to me? Now I only like black faces, I look for them in the crowd, they are your brothers, and I just can't see the white ones! I can't take it anymore! Where are you, Nutammi? Lord, let him call! I ask You, Lord, do a miracle! Once! And I will believe in You forever! "

She came back late and couldn't talk to anyone. She turned on the music, put on  headphones and went out onto the balcony.

You were taken into a terrible captivity
everything around is a mirage
don't leave, don't get off your knees,
the formidable guard will not let go.

For some reason, this song had a calming effect on her; the stereo headphones and the darkness of the surrounding night intensified the effect, and for the few minutes that the song lasted, the pain subsided a little.

Here again is a night without love, without warmth,
In the space of ghostly dreams
Here is the night again, as if you burned the bridge,
And everything goes downhill.

She thought it was about her. Yes, it was she who burned the last bridge between them, and he was lost in this huge city forever. And everything goes downhill, and again she was alone, and this cold night.

"I'm hot, and you are cold, right?" - Without love, without warmth, but you wanted to give me all this, oh, Nutammi, how right you were: why one needs all this being alone? What for? What for?!

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