En 71-77 Hello Ahmed,...

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The chunk =71= The message -393-

The first days at home were very boring: almost no orders were received, but she had to be at her computer all the time, to follow the mail. To brighten up the waiting hours, Olga watched Japanese cartoons. Kaoro mentioned a few of them in his letters and she got interested. There was a lot of loneliness in these Japanese cartoons.
Now Olga felt lonely. She missed and thought about Ahmed, but he did not write to her anymore. And he hasn't read her letters for several days. She even sent him an audio message where she apologized for having found photographs of his ex-wife.

The message  85
Hello Ahmed!
You were asking me: "Olga..Why are you so involved with my private life?" Honestly, I don't know what it is exactly in you that holds my interest in you warmed. I suppose I have written to you the second time because I found my impression of you a year ago fine. I forgot that you were rude talking about other people in your letter.
As I have written to you once, you are, kind of, a crystallization of my vision about what a NORMAL man should be like. At least that image I created in my head. Of course, this image is unreliable, easily decomposed due to what I said above. I think the reason I am so curious about you is actually I want to get evidence that the current vision about Ahmed ***ri is right. I cannot help here. I cannot only believe blindly.
What do I expect from you? Nothing. I've got a grasp you have not any interests at my side. What do I want? I have found an inspiring place you know for what. Also, I dream to touch your wrinkly lined cheek with my palm, then stroking your neck like a tree trunk, hugging you, pressing to your body with all my body tightly for to feel your warmth and softness, to grab you like a tree, for to have had a sense, a firmness: I want to live, I want to want, I want to believe, I want to think, I want to love. And let you be made of wood or you are a black hole, it doesn't matter. This was not about sex, Ahmed, just in case I am saying. Sometimes you seem like a fool.

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The chunk =72= The message -405-

"Am I a fool?
Do you think so? .. "
Ahmed asked unexpectedly briskly, pressing enter twice.
Olga, spoiled by Kaoro's attention, decided to mock:
"Hello, my wooden Ahmed! I expected another kind of question from you, like: What kind of tree am I? Or Does coronavirus still dislike you?"
She asked Kaoro to send her something kind and funny, perhaps a Japanese comedy. Kaoro did not find any comedies worthy of her attention in Japanese cinema, so he sent a link to Japanese melodrama, and as a comedian offered to watch the Indian film "Idiots", which he loved very much. He kept saying that he was very fond of idiots, that Olga was an idiot and he himself was also an idiot. He often asked her how she felt about idiots. After watching the film, she understood what he meant.
The film was very long and was watched with her husband. Colorful, funny, (Russians understand Indian humor because a huge number of Indian films were shown on television and in cinema during the Soviet and post-Soviet times), lively, intelligent, naive, and touching film. As usual, the end of a story is always the worst part of a film, because of "the happy end", as almost never happens in real life, and therefore seems very stupid.

The message  86
Several days after I start working at home due to the quarantine, I come to this room, lay down on this sofa to write letters to you. I am looking like a wet mouse after taking a shower. The weather has changed suddenly to winter these last two days, so the fresh cold huge wind is blowing today throughout the windows. But in our flats, we have a central heating system in Russia. It is very warm in the room, about 25-28C. Lately, I usually lay on the sofa until early morning, then go to bed.
Look at that, how much snow had fallen last night. This is a view through my personal window. I live on the eighth floor.
You know, this time your message caught me as I was working at home, sitting in front of my PC screen. Ta-da! Two messages came very fast. I've managed to differentiate your style of sending messages from my Japanese man's. Honestly, my heart jumped in my chest and my blood boiled. I think I am afraid of you now, Ahmed. But I like such feelings for now.
Ahmed, how do you think, can I like a dumb man? Do you like fools? Do you know somebody who adores stupid people? I’ve told you many times that I like you.
As I remember, I used “SOMETIMES” and “SEEM”. I used the phrase for 1) to tease you 2) to make sure I am partly kidding 3) as I know you are a well-experienced teacher, you have excellent communication skills (I haven't). So, I think, you use some methods to maintain our minimal “conversation”. (I guess: for what reason?) Sometimes it seems that you want to look like you are simple or a fool, or friendly, and so on. For example, you used active listening, when a listener repeats the last phrase after a speaker rephrasing it as a question: “Am I a fool? Do you think so?”. It might mean you are not actually interested in what I said, but don't want to offend me. Notice that I used “might”, “probably”, “for example”, et cetera. Are you still afraid of me, Ahmed? I don't feel you are sincere with me in your behavior.

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The chunk =73= The message -481-

Again Ahmed said nothing. And Olga decided to ignore everything that Ahmed did. She was tired of talking to a bubble that appears and disappears as soon as it appears, unable to make a sound, except for nibbling phrases.

The message  87
Hello Ahmed!
Okay. Those were my last messages about my daily life. I'm going to never send you something like that again, I think. At least I'll avoid such foolishness. Your image is still more a black emptiness than a tree because a tree is a symbol giving strength, it is comforting and consoling, gives shelter and help. Maximum that can give a black hole, as it turned out, is silent, a noise or a very vague echo that however is able to change my thought.
I will ignore you for a while impersonating your own behavior with me. I was like a  distorting mirror that reflected you. It's time to be more clear. I don't want to steal your time. I don't want to waste my time. I also have other aims in visiting your space.
The message  88
Hello, Ahmed.
I need your voice recording. Could you be so nice as to send me an audio message, please?  Could you say "Hello, Olga"?
Ahmed, I wish you were a bit more "idiot", much more genuine human.
You know, two months ago I did an experiment. I wanted to know what Japanese men are like due to my willingness to know you better: you spent so many years in Japan. I sent greeting messages to 40-60 Japanese men between the ages of 45-53. I got answers from about 70% of them, if I am not mistaken. Some percentages of those exchanged a couple of messages and disappeared, and several of the rest were in touch for two or four weeks. But only one of them I invited to Telegram because he was active and interesting. So now I have two major interlocutors: you and my Japanese Kaoru.
I know nothing about him. He only told me he lives and works in Tokyo...I did not understand his specialty, honestly, despite him making several vague explanations. About you...oh, you know, I have a lot of data, it just happened so. ;_;
I'd never seen him until yesterday (he sent me his image when he was young); you sent me your photo in the first message and then later gave me more information about yourself, and it was easy to find more in public sources.
In my first letter, I told him I will collect all the information about him (I didn't actually do it); he agreed. I did not tell him about my marriage status because he did not ask. Recently I told him about an Arab who ignores me for a long time despite all my messages to him. He joked that he felt jealous.
He always says he is looking for a soul mate. Also, he made me know that he was not thinking about romantic relationships. In whole, I got it that I was not fit him.; Fine. I wasn't expecting that. But I'm afraid to tell him I kinda have a husband but not married yet. I can probably lose him. I love to talk with him despite sometimes our meetings become too long, and because of that our communication becomes a chaotic maze. ; He seems more real than you, Ahmed, in spite of knowing YOU ARE real and he MIGHT be a scammer. I don't know you, but he is more understandable from our talkings. I see no lack in you and I cannot have a grasp of what else I want to see in him. I wish you two were one person. You two almost mixed in my head. Let me see... I want to work out a name for this perfect man...let him be (;;;;`) okay, I like Khamodu..where do I put the stress? ;(^;^); He who must not be named will be ;..Aamrud..; with double stress...
The interesting thing is that you both have relations to idiots. For both of you, this word is remarkable. Maybe in a different way. For my Japanese, the entire world is dyed in perfect colors. And your relations with all those "idiots'' that bothered you …I don't know. Maybe you also love them like my Japanese does. He calls me an idiot. But I am only half of an idiot, unfortunately.
Probably, somewhere in the world, there is a person for me to be happy together or I can live happily single. My head denies such opportunity. I am still alive because I have unconscious hope to meet this wonder. Otherwise, I know death will come to me. There will not be a need to look for it. It will just happen without regards to my plans. This is the rule of the Universe.

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The chunk =74= The message -482-

She missed Ahmed, this invisible figure, the man she never hoped to know or see.

The message  89
Hello, Ahmed.
Okay. I must decide the problem I return to again and again. Ahmed, despite his image as a modest and decent person, it seems to me, has more hostile expectations from the world, is more aggressive, vibrant, snobbish, and...more sexual and attractive, and, despite him remaining silent, more clever. My Japanese Kaoru looks kinder, more tolerable, attentive, soft, visionary, but more reasonable compared to Ahmed.
Ahmed seems more childish and direct, Kaoru more realistic and delicate. Ahmed seems to have a simple sense of humor and Kaoru pointed at nuances, tints in humor, but here I am not sure about both of them. Both are neither rich nor poor. Both are good-looking (Ahmed however I like much more).
Kaoru tends to be so honest that prefers to avoid answering awkward questions. Ahmed doesn't. He's able to say uncomfortable things about himself or other people/government without being bothered about its impact on other people. But he SEEMS TO BE sensitive to other people's opinions about him. Kaoru doesn't bother with such things, he feels alien in his society but he is not alien there. Both love their ethnicity and have very high goals in life.
Bad stuff: аggressive and not mature enough man attracts me more than meek, gentle but ripe man.
In my current relationships, I think, now (because throughout those 21 years, I have been living in, I have changed many roles from an east woman sitting at home, not working, growing a kid and leading household, to a business lady and then to a working woman who supports his husband due to him not having work) I have position of "man" in a traditional family. I almost don't do my woman house responsibilities, I decide will be sex or not today,  I have my own budget, I decide with my daughter where she will study, which tutors we take, where we'll travel. He did not even ask which University she is going to enter. He is a leech now, not a Man. And I don't see a solution of how to break out our unit if he is not thinking now to leave my house. Can I escape from my own house to nowhere?
The best would be to go working in another country like you, Ahmed, and live single. But I am not as good-educated as you and have not excellent skills as Kaoru. I am not a competitive worker. Also, I cannot study fast in order to grow my knowledge and have no place where I can improve my skills. I am weak and old.
When I met him I was about to leave this life. I've never told him. He saved me for a while. Now I am thinking it would be better for me if I left them. But my daughter in case of my death will face such difficult problems with HIM...his Muslim mentality...I wish she left our house before. We had plans for her to go to study in China, but she refused and said: I must get a bachelor's degree in Russia first.
Most of those couples I work with at work or see on streets, shops, makes me scared of any relationships and even appreciates my own current situation. Ahmed and Kaoru are angels, princes compared to the men I see every day. But which are both of my princes in reality? I came to the same red wall with huge fired words written on it: "I want to be sure there exists a normal man in the world".

Realizing what she had done, namely broke her promise, Olga made a list of words at random, so that they would be like hints, according to which she wanted to write the following messages, and which would turn her thoughts in the direction away from personal problems and Ahmed.

***
(;;;)
Seven samurais
Ecology
Corruption
Eye
How to make photos
Silent
Edge
Corner
Egypt
Yemen
Algeria
Japan
Russia
Fingers
Ballet
Bullet
Fear
Paper
Fingers
Ear
Robot
Weddings

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The chunk =75= The message -483-

The next day, Kaoro wrote a lot, but his chatter did not comfort her.
Olga discovered which stupid mistakes she made in her letters to Ahmed last time. This time in disappointment she again made a lot of stupid mistakes.
There was no need to travel far to work because now she worked from home at the computer, and there was a little more time. The Japanese film "Woman in the sands" put her in a depressing mood. Hopelessness. This is how she would describe her life. But from some point of view, the life of every person is "hopeless", because almost everyone is moving in the direction where circumstances push him. It happens very rarely otherwise. Making a real-life choice can only the lucky ones, the minions of fate.

The message  90
10/04/2020
Oh, I am so stupid, I hate my weakness. "..Two mothers ago...!" What must I do to start my life anew?! So many such stupid mistakes! I keep forgetting how to spell simple words despite having written them hundreds of times and repeat all the same grammar laps. I'm an idiot, debil. I hate myself. I've earned my death only because of that. Give me poison! Why?
;;;
This movie is about our couple. We both, me and he, are jailed together in a big pit, helpless and debilitated. I wish I were able to read the book in its original language. Japanese (as Arabic too) language I would compare with water in a shallow stream: you never are sure where your little paper ship will steer to: waves, many small whirlpools, unseen streams in-depth, competing vortexes change its moving.
I watched the movie a long time ago. I hardly remember its plot even, I have only a feeling of the film. Firstly, it was boring. But boring is not a fit word...it was a deliberately boring atmosphere in the way of the actors playing, so heavy is each step, each turn of a head. The movie is filled with long gloomy pauses. It is our inside life. We both have remained prisoners of the circumstances all those years we are together. Still boring. Almost enemies. Helping and comforting one another. Messiah still does not notice my pit.

Olga checked the message as best she could for errors, sent it to Ahmed, and immediately deleted it on her side: she was afraid of her irresistible desire to correct errors both in the text and in the stated thoughts, and deleting the messages was a preventive measure against this.
Kaoro wrote to her. If he got in touch, it was always long and meaningful, lively conversations. So they enthusiastically corresponded, when again two, one after the other, quickly popped up notifications from Ahmed:"How're you, Olga?
I've a question to ask"
Not realizing, not remembering her promise to ignore Ahmed, she mechanically replied, "Fine."
Ahmed disappeared immediately. The question was never asked... She was angry at her haste. Then, angrily and impulsively, she deleted all the correspondence and photos, both from him and from her Telegram. The chat got empty.

The message  91
Today I told him I am not single yet. As usual, he had many questions. He said he is married but they don't live together. They have children. Is he really looking for a partner on the internet like Penpals services?  Honestly, I don't believe in such an opportunity: to find love of all life on the web! All are deceptive there. I believe in you. You are able to find a good woman. Just don't hide your life from her and focus your searching on your circle of life: on research forums, for example. I am sure you'll meet what your heart needs. But, Ahmed, be brave! Desire. You're only young once. You have all the best chances.
I almost caught you today as a mouse! I bet you'd had the same feeling like me at that moment and your heart had changed its beating :) why? Ha ha;\_(;)_/;maybe I am wrong. I was right. You are childish. Am I wrong?
Kaoru didn't explain to me what a soulmate is. Am I waiting for someone like that? No. I am a realist. Or I am a boring earth type, rude and dirty,  aren't I?  He will never write to me again, I am afraid. But I'm sure he will make several messages because he's very polite due to the fact we spent a lot of time together talking.  And then he'll disappear. He was a Big Bang! (;;;;;);''''''''''"";;;;;;;LOVE;;;;;; However I had not changed my romantic mood yet.
I'd like to know if you had weddings both times? Were them like that Chaoui wedding as I watched on the internet: there were many men, women I didn't notice, they were noisy and thrilled; two dressed up kids, a boy and a girl, did a short dance with guns, and made a fire shoot twice; then several men did the same manipulations with guns but more dangerous...then it got boring and I turned off the video. That wedding probably lasted very long and was exhausting.  Did you have such a performance twice?
 

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The chunk =76= The message -510-

04/16/2020
Ahmed has been living in Algeria for two weeks. The first week passed in turmoil: meetings with relatives, a visit to the university in search of work, where almost immediately a job was found as a teacher of Japanese language and technical drawing for freshmen undergraduate students.
Ahmed went through many emotions, good and bad, funny and sad, during this week. It was necessary to get used to a new rhythm of life and, in general, to a new life, to new people whom he knew, of course, before, but they were new from the point of view of got more frequent and close now meetings at the university, on the streets, and in stores.
At the university, he was again forced to meet with his ex-wife, because she taught in a parallel stream.
Without her there were a lot of problems: there was a lot to do in the new house, where now he will live for an unknown amount of time until the situation with the coronavirus gets resolved.
He enjoyed meeting his few friends and several colleagues at the university and meeting numerous relatives.
But he yearned for Japan, worried about the students left there. He regretted being deprived of martial arts training in Japan. In Algeria, he would need to find a place where he planned to conduct martial arts classes with adults, free of charge. Earlier, during his vacation visits from Japan to Algeria, he conducted such classes, since he had almost all the necessary equipment at hand.
That strange woman from Russia still insisted on writing her messages to him in Telegram: he hardly read, tried to strike up a conversation in a moment of boredom, but he was distracted by other women in social nets.
In his Safebook account, Ahmed replaced the industrial background of the page with a new background photograph: he gives classes with Japanese students: on a dark green board there is a series of bright white clear hieroglyphs, in front of Ahmed there are rows of desks with Japanese students, Ahmed is gesturing, his face is spiritual and lively.

The message  92
11/04/2020
Hello Ahmed!
Today was a long day.  I missed you, don't know why.  Probably when there is so much work that I have not a minute to take a deep breath, I need a bit more silence.  I need to have been here, alone, in this quiet peaceful place where Ahmed-sun is shining so far away, where I can relax and type with my fast fingers all the garbage I must get rid of.
I didn't tell you that since the 30-th message I placed all of them in GoogleKeeper,  but I never tried to reread them until yesterday: casually I met that "several mother ago" instead of "several months". I am an idiot.  But I always have known it. Relax. Okay. I made my storage of garbage to work out with it later.
Remembering my last messages I see a hysterical woman very loudly screaming in the middle of a street. A scandal. Sometimes, yes, I am very noisy and disgusting. I understand that I should stop but cannot. And it is wrong at this time to restrain myself.
When I was young I was singing at home all the time: between reading books and fighting with my brother. He was teasing me, calling me "a singer from a burned down to ground theater".
We had two loud things in our home that our neighbors could hear: me and our clock in the hall. It was an ugly wooden box, inside which was a metal mechanism and a pendulum. There was a key to tighten up a spring to wound the clock. Each half of an hour it made a middle-rank sound: several small brass hammers made one move and hit metal melodic rods once. And each hour it was beating the current time,  from one to twelve, very loudly.
Neighbors were kidding: "Do you have the Kremlin chimes at your home?", meaning the famous clock set on Spasskaya tower in Moscow.
My brother's room was the nearest to the clock and he often stopped the clock pendulum or bent out the melodic hinges. I always fixed it, intuitively digging in its metal depth.  But one day he completely ruined all the mechanisms inside the watch, and I lost the pleasure of listening to their solemn chime.
About me our neighbors also had jokes, but I forgot how exactly, I remember that they were kind. I had a habit of singing in the bathroom extra loudly, so, I think, they are still remembering me, because their living room was adjacent to our bathroom.
All my life I also was singing when my daughter was growing.  My "partner", as you have chosen to call him,  got used to my weirdness. He never said it annoyed him despite, I know, he doesn't like my voice. I used to sing when I was cooking, doing housework, taking a bath,  looking in the window... And my daughter often asked me to continue singing when I stopped.
Then she went to a Music school. She played piano and guitar, and sang in choir. Now she doesn't allow me to sing :) When I start to sing, being lost in thought,  she shuts me up.
Two days ago I was watching Japanese anime "Tales from Earthsea". Teru was singing her song, when we heard my daughter's dissatisfied voice: "Again you are weeping,  please,  stop doing it! ". She opened the door,  gazed at PC: "I thought it was you singing! Phew! Turn her off! "
Have a listen!  Isn't it nice? Honestly, her behavior  disappoints me from time to time. Maybe life will change her and make more genial and warm.
https://youtu.be/GVdar-Gb5ZU
I was always sensitive. I had a fear of darkness until I met him. He gave me a feeling of safety. Yesterday I found an audio version of the book "Wuthering Heights" (my Japanese is a fan of it).  They used all the audio effects for the audio drama: music,  scary noises,  expressive voices.
My papa, my partner, I will call him like that, has a habit of stroking my legs or neck when he is watching endless videos on his smartphone. He noticed: "What's wrong with you today, your legs got goose-skin..!?" I wasn't thrilled and frightened, but my feelings were thick. It lasted not for one minute, the goose-skin effect my body got almost all the time I was listening to the mystical story.
My daughter inherited my features: she is afraid of turning on the water in the bathroom :) and spiders.
 
The message  93
12/04/2020
Hello Ahmed!
Today I don't know what to write about. Tomorrow I will go to work in my office. Our firm got permission for work because I work alone in the salon.
Today I translated the lyrics of that song I sent you.  The song is about loneliness. All the days I hear it in my head. I never felt alone and wasn't unhappy for that reason. I love to be alone. But loneliness sometimes means that there's nobody who cares about you. You are not needed. Nobody remembers you. Sometimes I think it is an emptiness inside: you have nobody important to you to love or care about, or they, those important people, are indifferent to you.
Why do you have that feeling that you are about wanting your own death? You feel useless. You feel a weakness. You hate this feeling mostly. If you die, nothing changes for the worse. There's not a sense in your life.
Such negative thoughts usually avoid me,  but I know,  it is true: there is not any benefit from my life. However, what benefit is sadness? Why do people love this feeling?
The message  94
13/04/2020
Hello Ahmed!
Yesterday he said: “ if you die, I’ll come, wherever I am, to bury you. I don't know what I should feel. I feel *********. It occurred to me that he will never let me be alone. And even circumstances are against my will.
Arabic society — as an example of a wise and reasonable unit of man and woman — is it true? A woman has to have a very serious reason to leave her marriage, and her family must accept her explanation why she couldn't do otherwise.
You, dear Ahmed, said, "I divorced twice". Did you deliberately miss "am"? I have a sense you could not make a choice between "am" or "was". Are your former marriages and your ex-wives really in the past? You said it thus, that it sounded very bitter. I see the word on your forehead: "divorced" as a mark of *****. And it was not my vision. It is your own feeling of your situation as it seems to me. You feel a ******. "They were a big mistake." I did not understand why "they" but "a big mistake" you've written then. Was it a grammar mistake or hidden thoughts?
One marriage had an impact on the second and a young girl was not able to survive in the atmosphere of having an impact from all your family also. Was it that then? You don’t seem like a very sociable man. Even all images of yours say that you mimicry and that you are sociable and reliable. You are a big kid now. Am I wrong? Why do you avoid talking with me? You can help me.

The message  95
Hello Ahmed!
I miss you very much.
You know,  I have one talker on WhatsApp, a footballer from Ghana,  a nice guy about 23-24 years old. I have known him for nearly two years,  met him on PenPals, as I met you. First, he loved my stories, I told him about my family. He also told me about his ancestors and family. He sent me photos of all members of his family: sisters and brothers and their children, sent me photos of where he lives, from his training with his team. His English is very bad due to half of his life he spent in Ghana with his mother's family where they use English in schools, and the rest of the time in Togo, where his father lives, speaking French. He is a handsome guy. I have a lot of his photos and a video where he is singing and dancing only for me. Maybe he sent all of that to many many women in PenPals, it doesn't matter. All were interesting.
This year we have not had wide and deep correspondence, but each message he starts with: "Hello Olga.  I really miss you a lot... " You know, it is so pleasant to hear,  I like him only because of those words. I am sure he is sincere at that moment. He is one of those who never asked me to be his wife. Haha... There are so many young guys from different countries who want an old woman, the world has become crazy! I have read about that world trend.
And so, I tell you, I miss you. I miss a normal man with all his merits and demerits. I always tell it to you sincerely.
I have a very close interest in Ghana. My teachers in English were students here in Tyumen. Gaz-oil specialty's students. I met many guys and two girls from the country.
Some of them were teachers in a University language school for all interested people. And with two men I had personal meetings several times in a library and at an embankment. I asked one of my teachers to find me someone for language exchange and gave him my telephone number,  so I found them.
I have read about Ghana all that I could find on the Internet, watched many videos of weddings,  funerals,  series, and round-table talks on TV and festivals on YouTube. Also, I had many interlocutors in PenPals with men and several women from Ghana,  from 19 to 75 years old.
I almost fell in love with my first African teacher,  and he probably noticed it. He was so alive, sunny. I loved it most of all. He, it seemed, gave off light. Now his smile seems artificial. But, might, all are my imagination, no more. I never believed such foolishness.
I love Ghanaians, they are so different people but however, they have much in common. They have other minds compared to Russians, it was quite difficult to adjust their mind to the Russian way to live and to think. Those guys, students from Ghana, make huge efforts here to learn Russian and to become "civilized", to become a bit Russian. Some of them are deeply involved in Russian society, some are sitting in the university dormitory and are not aware of there're not crocodiles and lions in Tyumen and in Russia, except in zoos, they're not pineapples in Russia and coconut palms, people don't live in palaces and all those big beautiful buildings are administrative buildings and offices. Libraries are free for everyone and are rich with books, people don't hate blacks, but find them unusual. When I went with one big handsome guy to the embankment, several cars gave us vehicular horns as their "hello" to him. Of course, he could have thought it was a bad sign, like: "Go to hell, black, don't spoil our girls. (From a car for drivers I could look like a young woman :)). But people were smiling. I regret now that I did not explain it to him, I got it later. I had found my own obsession in Ghana, Gotbe Afede XIV, was born as James Okpa. Don't know why I like him. I did the same research on him as with you, Ahmed. I saw a video of him, his trip to China. He was a bit older that time than you are now. I have found his email, too. One other normal man. But, imagine, I would write to him on Safebook or on email such letters like I write to you: he would hire a killer for me. Honestly, a lot of information about him was corrected or wiped off the internet as I guess. I asked several Ghanaians about him, they said he is a decent man, there is nothing bad about him...but you know the explosion-dangerous characters of Africans...
Oh! You are an African too!

The message  96
14/04/2020
Hello Ahmed!
Some letters I write here not because I am interested in your private life but due to the fact that some thoughts are annoying me and often return in my head against my will. I want to get rid of them. So I write that garbage here, to you. It is better than this would be rotting in remote corners of my head, stinking there.  Do you know my head is kind of a maze where I lost myself?
The message  97
15/04/2020
One thing. I saw those Todoroki's photos once. My impression of them.
I am not able to know you and others in person, to judge them based on messages, so I can say only about the appearances of those characters, which could be deceptive as you know.
Ahmed, I don't like your young appearance. You really looked like a goose, sorry, it is just my view. The photographs of yours taken last year I love much more. You are a handsome man there. It seems like some girls in the photos are interested in you.
Your wife. Why was she always dressed in man-like shirts and jeans? Were those shirts yours? I suspect it's almost impossible to find clothes in Japan that fit such big sweet forms your wife had. But she probably had clothes from Algeria...Also, I was amazed that she was wearing a babushka-scarf in Japan. And I was startled you never hugged or just touched one another in the photos. You two looked like recently meeting strangers or like colleagues. I would never think you were married if you did not confess to me. You could easily deny it and I would believe it actually. Maybe you are lying that she was your wife.  Maybe she is your sister or someone else. Why did she stop doing the research with you, deleted you from friends even in all her internet accounts? Did you two become enemies? Strange situation. Obviously, SHE is a bad woman. And you were an angel who had been suffering a lot from her violence for a long time. I know you tend to love dichotomic positions: if you are not bad,  it can only mean you are good.
Oh... Good ... good... now I can forget it all..sorry for I've made you pain again probably.
The message 98 
16/04/2020
Some of your photos (the most fun ones I sent you, but then, seven hours later, I deleted) tell me you are awkward. Also, you try to seem merrier than you really are, but you really are friendly with people, and your face always looks kind...
Do you know who Chicatila was? His face, as you can see in Wiki,  was kind enough too.  He had a high education, worked as a teacher in a school, and later as an engineer. He killed 53/65 people with extreme atrocity during 1978-1990th. Most of them were women between the ages of 9-21 years old. I feel horrible even thinking about what he did with his victims.
The message  99
18/04/2020
It is always so difficult to have conversations with strangers. I never know who they are, true. I also, as you too, feel the world is hostile to me. I cannot trust people, in general.
I trust you more than that Japanese Kaoro and Makoto because you want nothing from me. It is a fine thing inside you, Ahmed.
I cannot trust even the man I have been living 21years together. I cannot talk with him. His world, he is living in, scares me. I don't want to live in such a dirty and violent environment. Everything seems to be deceptive. Why does he endure all my weirdness? He has no demands to me now. Why is he so meek and kind? I want to escape from the world.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =77= The message -511-

04/17/2020
An exhausting two weeks turned into incessant boredom. Most of the narrow-minded, in the opinion of Ahmed, colleagues at the university, perceived his return as a patriotic gesture, courageous and selfless: returning to his homeland at the difficult for the country moment of the pandemic. Such wretched and perverse public opinion infuriated Ahmed terribly. He was also annoyed that he was often called "humble." He was simply well-mannered and behaved, unaccustomed for aborigines, in Japanese manner with restraint, which many in his "wild" country perceived as a sign of shyness or even diffidence. Ahmed quickly got tired of the uninteresting surroundings. Ahmed lost interest in everything external and more and more often returned his thoughts to his past, experienced in Algeria and Japan. The memories fascinated him.
04/20/2020
Once, at night, he again received a lot of messages from that woman from Russia, but this time from her came one long text out of a hundred short messages. The Telegram split the text into fifteen or twenty fragments, and Ahmed's smartphone trembled nervously, choking with the incessant sound of Telegram notifications.
Ahmed logged into his account, turned off notifications about Olga's messages in order to forget about her forever.
Then he went to the veranda of the house, where he recently kept a randomly purchased pet, a nightingale. He named him Peppino. The Italian performer of the Neapolitan chanson Peppino Lagyardi, Ahmed loved to listen to since the times of his studying in Japan. This gray nondescript winged miracle with an honest and pure voice reminded Ahmed of that singer. Spring was in full swing and Peppino often delighted Ahmed's ears with wonderful long trills...in the language of love.

The message  100
First my thirty messages I lost in your black hole, so I'll take them from my memory only. And all the rest I want to summarize.
The message  101
Hello Ahmed!  You will be my personal black hole due to your refusing to communicate with me.  I will send you 1000 short messages and then disappear.
The message  102
As if I am thinking about you as a black hole in far far, I want to research you because I need to be sure you are worthy of I am interested in you.
The message  103
I am sorry,  Ahmed..when I was looking at your email on the internet,  I casually had found your CV. That's why I send you the link on my account in VK: *** /++++
The message  104
My imagination about you gives birth to many other thoughts and associations which occur immediately simultaneously in my head and in my heart. I want to tell you them all.
The message  105
Arabic
In one of Tyumen Universities I had a happy chance to learn languages. Those language courses I attended with my daughter for free.  One year I had lessons in Chinese. There was me and Vera in the class. Daughter that year missed.
The message  106
Vera organized the University meetings for foreign students who wanted to improve their pronunciation in Russian with speech therapy teachers.
The message  107
We met two guys in the room where we had the Chinese lesson.  One of them was Arab and offered us to learn Arabic.
The message  108
Evgeniy,  head of department, warned us of danger of terrorism when guys went out.  He said lessons in Arabic must be asked for his permission.
The message  109
I described our lesson with logopaedist and her students, and foreign students. I was fascinated with her.
The message  110
Good morning,  God!  I told you about Alexander Green's "Scarlet sails".  Gold fairy tale.
I said Ahmed is a beautiful name. All Ahmed's I ever knew were jovial and intelligent. I said I wish you would smile happily.
The message  111
I returned to my usual state after a mind bending performance of the logopaedist and made an acquaintance with a guy who agreed to learn Arabic.
The message  112
That guy was Arab too. I was in an awkward situation because I felt embarrassed to have lessons tet-a-tet.
The message  113
We three got Evgeniy' permission for Arabic classes. I had two Arabic teachers from Yemen.
The message  114
We started our learning process with the alphabet and pronunciation of Arabic sounds. I was a good parrot.
The message  115
I did not love learning speaking Arabic,  prefered foskha. Ammar did not help me with it. Probably he was not skilled in it and was not able to confess me. He sincerely tried to teach me properly.
The message  116
Abdu. Big and handsome if hide his nose. Cannot imagine why he agreed. I was more afraid of him.
The message  117
Once I had a big conversation with Ammar about his Arabic life, about his family and daily life.  I hardly cope with myself to ask what they are wearing instead of underpants. Later I had found on the internet,  one adult Arab complained he had involuntary urination and it was not comfortable for him to do hajj not wearing underpants, but...prohibition was strict.
The message  118
19 February I discovered I am a bit Buddhist. I was kidding of course. But I did always have the sense,  the readiness to rapid death: I lost all my close relatives before I was 25. I was pregnant when I lost my major brother.
The message  119
I had read an african proverb: if it becomes easier, it means you go down.
The message  120
I had written: "I can stop thinking about something, I know, I shouldn't: I say to myself: 'Here you must stop. Stop.' It works." Now I have an easier way to get rid of it: to write here.
The message  121
Abdu told loudly and irritatedly that I made an error and made a move as if he attempted to hit me with his hand. It lasted two seconds, then he fell down his eyes back to his phone. I am not saying that he probably got used to beating his sisters, women, but obviously he tends to be rude with women and it is not because he hates them, no, it is simply normal to him.
It is still not normal for me.
The message  122
I watched a movie in Japanese without subtitles, the name "Kiseki" = Wonder, launched in 2011, for kids.
The message  123
I had imagined that professor Shikio Nayashi behaved inappropriately.
The message  124
I made a research on you on Facebook. Found your several alleged relatives.
The message  125
Your allegedly uncle has unusual for Russian mind photos.
The message  126
You were scared and have hidden all your friends on Facebook.
The message  127
I told you a couple of peace words.
The message  128
I found the Shikio Nayashi method interesting.
The message  129
I read and tried to translate his work in Russian. But there's many customers,  and then I lost my desire in it.
The message  130
I said he is Muslim. I sent my first photo to your darkness.
The message  131
I confessed: " Excuse me, Ahmed. I keep some of your photos on my PC." I claimed that appearance IS important. I  offered a short description of your look,  as I saw it.
The message  132
;;;;; ;;;;
I made all the possible versions of ***ouri’s relation to women (I guessed at minimum two possibilities) and reasons for his likely modest self-esteem.
The message  133
Something about exploratory data analysis for
Nayashi's quantification method ill by graphics
The message  134
I always tried to jump higher than I could. I have not any knowledge and base for taking a grasp in things that require deep studying. The same in English: I know I should read more a Grammar books, study rules in order to improve my level of it, however I prefer using it intuitively.
I complained I am an Idiot.
The message  135
I assume you feel yourself an alien between Japanese's and are not quite Algerian now. I was wrong.
The message  136
I made a description of our previous correspondence in an email. The main question was "WHY? ".
I decided to live/dress/speak/sleep/eat/breathe/so on only for your sake. Because I wanted a big wonder!.
The message  137
Arabic
Abdu told me he wanted me to be his russian old wife due to him going to stay living in Russia. I met many such stupid offers later in PenPals.
The message  138
I attended lecturers in Chinese, Hebrew languages, Mesopotamian cuneiform writing, History of religions, Arabic, Theory of interpersonal communication in the East in Free Orient School.
The message  139
I met Ahmed from Egypt,  a very decent guy. I was glad I had known him. The best teacher.
The message  140
Mistakenly I visited the page of the Transatlantic hotel in Casablanca and my first wish was to visit it.
The message  141
I had a dream to sail on a sailing vessel named "Kruzenshtern".
The message  142
It was 53 years old Egyptian Ibrahim from Aleksandria, divorced with two small kids looking for a Russian wife. My other good teacher.
The message  143
One kind of trip attracts me: to a forest, to mountains, to a lake or a sea with a backpack, to go hiking on my legs.
The message  144
Again Ahmed and Ibrahim...
The message  145
Arabic, that I studied so hard, I forgot immediately. What a pity!
The message  146
I summarized: "I've never met Ahmed, but among all the Arabian people who I communicated with, his person is I know better then others despite he did not write me more than four short messages in last year." I was wrong again.
The message  147
I made assumptions. Ambitions encourage you. Teaching inspires you. I suppose that you are wide, deep educated, so have another mind.
The message  148
He is crazy, that’s what I am sure. And why I am sure his “love” is just selfish pathology is the other deal.
The message  149
Yоu stay in the edge оf Gaussian distributiоn оf all Algerians and peоple in the entire world in many many spectres.
The message  150
Scientist, he never asks, he takes from Nature its mysteries if she doesn't mind. He just should love her for her only sake. Thus she'll open him a tiny truth about her.
The message  151
Imagine a Big Bang, Ahmed!
Each person is a small big bang.
The message  152
Imagine that each man, animal, thing in the world has such a trace, a big chaotic form of the worm, more similar with three that akin to a fractal structure.
The message  153
Bear fat and Mebius leaf.
"..you know..row fish, you never tasted nothing better, withe mushrooms, bear fat, you know.."
The worst is I feel I made a cycle, not the first in my life, a spiral cycle. I wish I could break the way to start something new.
The message  154
**You sent me back my stickers casually **
You made a type of a reflux or belch twice as a back at my influence.
The message  155
I firstly mentioned Kaoru, he offered me to meet more often with people.
But I made many photos of garbage litters,  77 in all.
You ignored almost all those photos.
The message  156
I feel an abhorrence of snobs.
The message  157
What a beautiful clever sport you are fond of! It is an Art.
The message  158
I saw that art object created by your friend.
The message  159
**Why did you make stickers using my photos? **
**Could you please delete them? **
**I don't like the idea. **
I am glad you are able to say your hard NO. I did it. But why not?
**No,  I don't like that you use my photos to make stickers.** **Please,  stop doing that**
Translated too directly in Russian from Arabic they seem mysterious, fairy, poetic.
The message  160
Funny. I apologize in case I took you damage. I did not want to insult you.
— Can I make a black hole of you at the stickers using the outlines of your figure?
— NO.
— Oh, Allah! Okay. I hear and obey!
**Good... we can still remain friends.**
**I like you**
**Please,  delete these images**
**Thank you**
The message  161
**Come on**
**We are still friends**
**I just didn't want to see my photo stickers**
**ha ha**
Oh, friends!? I am startled by the strange notion about friendship you have, Ahmed! You are crazy.
The message  162
Hello Ahmed! How are you? Have you ever cried, Ahmed? What makes people cry? Why could you cry? What do you think if your woman cries sometimes?

Why are you a provider/connector (is it a fit word)? I had written it in the minute I was very angry at you and at myself. I dislike that you are so cowardly and depending on people's opinions.
The message  163
My father was a communist, a party employee of high rank, so maybe that's why I have a book in my library named “Atheist's Handbook”.
The message  164
The book is really good. There’s not any antireligious propaganda into it, just facts short and succinct.
As one of the authors of the book the first  was written by professor Anisimov. It turned out right recently, my sense of reality and my vision of morality matches with his ideas.
The message  165
This prerogative of moral conscience is a result of all cosmic and social evolution. (This last stroke I like most of all :) the rest.)
Are you sure you've been earlier until I met you? I am your God and Maker, Ahmed.
The message  166
It is disgusting to feel I was limited by someone's will. I was formed in the image and likeness of what?...an average sovjet ideal of human?...a person-who-don't-cause-problems? What was the aim they steered to? Equidistributions/perequation of knowledge among the mass of citizens leads to lowering of conflicts in a society?
The message  167
Hello Ahmed! My mood today. I didn't have time for writing to you. I miss you a bit.
It's the first time I said I miss you.
**Hello**
The message  168
You and each other person of your country has other kinds of garbage for being partly placed in his head. My japanese has the similar background for things in his head as each his countryman. We call it culture, but it is just garbage that can complicate the life of each human.
The message  169
Do you know that Berbers are our far relatives and we, Russians, have with Berbers common ancestors? At least there are in Russia people who develop the idea. They talk about Amazahs in Morocco.
The message  170
**Yes,  I'm berber...Exactly, chaoui**
**Living in the east of Algeria**
**Do you love your husband?**
Why did you decide to answer me?
Do you always ask such difficult questions?
**Yes**
**I divorced twice**
**That's why**
What do you FEEL about your marriages?
**They were a big mistake**
Are they married now?
**Not married yet**
Did you give them your permission to have a new marriage?

How can I ignore such moments? Yes, I don't love him, never loved, I think. I appreciate his feeling, his kind heart, his thoughts for me, his adoring me. If he wouldn't have done such tiny actions I would never have been living with him for such a long time.
He has many things I don't like in him. Also he MAKES many things I love. Such as I told you. How can I refuse that beauty? What ought I do, Ahmed?

I doubt that a love, a love personally for me, exists.
What means "to love" for you, Ahmed? Maybe I didn't understand you?
The message  171
Then our culture stratifies itself. As petroleum.
The message  172
But it means, I have to admit, my brain decided your images are attractive physically for me.
The message  173
I tend to consider that as if you have money (because marriage is an expensive deal in Algeria), you as a man have more rights in your country and in your religion, so you have to have more responsibility in marriage. And it was just your caprice to get married to them and then to give them to go.
The message  174
My mother hugged me and said: “Everything will be fine.”
My aunt hugged me so tight that it was painful and said: “Everything will be fine!”. I laughed bitterly, breaking away from her embrace: “Yes, I know!”
The message  175
**You do sambo?**
No,  box,  for all insulted women.
**I love boxing**
**And**
**I respect women**
__Are you sure, Ahmed?__
**Hahaha**
**Can you send me those photos? **
**Haha**
**I quite love them**
**Please**
Okay,  today's a day of a pretty farce.
**Haha Ohh Thank you very much**
**Do you have kids with your partner?**
Daughter
**By the way,  you can use my photos as stickers**
**I found them really funny**
**Haha**
Why did you change your mood,  Ahmed?
**Because.. I trust you more now.. You scared me at first..You did a huge research on me..I found it strange**
I deleted all those photos,  could you send me 10-15 others?
**Good morning.. I just woke up..Well,  I'll send you some soon.**
The message  176
You’ve deeply touched me at last. I saw you in my dream today twice, and saw it for the first time.
The message  177
He jealous me even of my Japanese. I didn’t tell to my “partner” about Ahmed ***ouri. Only my daughter knows I write letters to a guy that ignores me for three months. She said I have nothing to do or crazy. Maybe Alzheimer illness begins. “You’d better continue learning Chinese!”, — was her advice, — "as a preventive measure".
The message  178
Have you heard about Artem Oganov, a materials scientist?
The message  179
When my daughter was about 3 years old we went to Yekaterinburg zoo. I have read about Algerians on the internet. It formed my comprehension about them, maybe wrong. Most of them seem to be similar to that hippopotamus.
The message  180
You know, professor Todoroki is a quite pleasant person. He keeps the photos on the internet.
I like her.
The message  181
**Olga.. Why are you so involved with my private life? If you think my ex-wife is kind and beautiful**
**This means I am a bad person**
**In this case, why are you keeping in touch with me?**
Why so primitive are your conclusions?
The message  182
Even one second of death can seem as a thousand years of hellish torments or happiest paradise.
The message  183
Death is a very interesting thing.
We live, move, act, behave in the current moment. All the fabric of society is being changed and changing, kills and borns.
The message  184
Reality, as I said, is what we are believing in.  Our belief becomes complicated -- our reality seems more wide and different. So a man is what he believes in because he himself is a part of his reality.
The message  185
you are kind of a crystallization of my vision about what a NORMAL man should be like. At least that image I created in my head.
to grab you as the tree, for to have had a sense, a firmness: I want living, I want to want, I want believing, I want thinking, I want to love. And let you be made of wooden or you are a black hole, it doesn't matter.  Sometimes you seem like a fool.
The message  186
Sometimes it seems that you want to look like you are simple or a fool, or friendly, so on. For example you used an active listening, when a listener repeats the last phrase after a speaker rephrasing it as a question: **Am I a fool?  Do you think so? **
The message  187
It's time to be more clear. I don't want to steal your time. I don't want to waste my time. I also have other aims in visiting your space.
The message  188
Ahmed, I wish you were a bit more "idiot", much more genuine human.
So now I have two major interlocutors: you and my Japanese. He always says he is looking for a fit partner, a soul mate. He seems more real as you, Ahmed, in spite of I know YOU ARE real and he MIGHT be a scammer.
What is interesting, you both have relation to idiots. For both of you this word is remarkable.
It just will happen without regard to my plans. This is a rule of the Universe.
The message  189
Ahmed and Kaoru are angels, princes compared to the men I see every day. But which are both my princess in reality? I came to the same wall with a huge red transparent on it: "__I want to be sure that there exists a normal man in the world__".
The message  190
We both have remained  prisoners of the circumstances all those years we are  together. Still boring. Almost enemies. Helping and comforting one another.
**How are you Olga?  I've a question to ask**
The message  191
You're only young once. You have all the best chances.
I've caught you as a mouse. You are childish. Am I wrong?
Did you have such a performance twice?
The message  192
We had two loud things in our home that our neighbors could hear: me and our clock in the holl.
The message  193
Song about loneliness.
The message  194
Are your former marriages and your ex-wives really in the past? Was it a grammar mistake or hidden thoughts?
You are a big kid now. Am I wrong?
The message  195
And so, I tell you,  I miss you. I miss a normal man with all his merits and demerits. I always tell it to you sincerely.
It was several years ago:...I have found his email, too. One other normal man. But,  imagine,  I will write him on Facebook or in an email such letters like I write to you: he would hire a killer for me.
The message  196
__I want to get rid of them.__ ..one other explanation of why I am "so involved with Ahmed's private life". I have three once.
The message  197
Garbage that I wanted to throw from my head off.
The message  198
About deceptive people and a trust.
The message  199
I cannot trust even the man I have been living 21years together.