En 90-100 Hello Ahmed,...

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =90= The message -550-

We see the moon and it seems to be yellow. It doesn't mean that it is yellow.
Life in Algeria, in its boring, dirty and poor town, seemed unbearable to Ahmed. He dreamed about a trip to Japan, or to France, to Sarah. "It would be fine to go out, at least, for a week..." he thought. But all the borders were strictly closed, the countries were sealed. People and governments at large were scared.

The message - 214-
02/05
People, it seems, have a wave nature: there are many cycles when a person shrinks in a dot when forced to perform physiological functions, including pain and then expands as wide as his imagined potential garbage allows him.

I am going to do an experiment.
I am going to invite that black guy, who was my first English teacher in 2014. I liked him. These six years changed us both: can you imagine a guy in the age 23 and 29, and a woman in 40 and in 46? I see, you can: you see how you've changed outside and inside looking at yourself in a mirror daily. Interesting, how living in Russia has changed him.
Honestly, I remembered him all these years. I was afraid of him and his temper. Each day I had him in my head. Now you are in my head daily.

You became my obsession now, but, honestly, I love only your empty shell. I love, adore your hands: they are hairless, tender, soft, accurate, and kind. I love your ears: the beautiful form of each twiddle fascinates me. I love that place wrinkled in the middle, hiding in the center of the flower the soft sweet pistil, that however is not female and promises to be resilient and persistent. I love the outlines of your face features, I can watch the meek pretty lines that are drawn by skull bones for hours. I love your bright eyes. I like your gestalt, love each move and rotation of your body. Handsome man, no more yet..unfortunately. Also, all those photos always were in such bad quality as if you deliberately used photo refiner filters. I've never used it.

This meeting scares me. But I want to correct the mistake I always made. I avoided meeting with my obsessions. Always. It always was so difficult and hurting to confess to someone my feelings..I always hid myself. You are the first I told. But..you are just a shadow of a man.

Макото 14
02/05
I sometimes think about my existence.
You need it, right?
I hope it helps you a little.
My photographs and videos are often taken in hopes of relaxing you.
I think I will have fewer opportunities because of work from tomorrow, but I will send it if I have a little time to send it.
Thank you
I think that there are places where you can walk casually and enjoy beautiful flowers and scenery.
I wouldn't have taken a flower before.
It was only cherry blossoms that took flowers.
I thought there were many things I was not aware of.
It may be that I haven't noticed it yet.
I think there is something better for you.
Yes, I think there will be new discoveries in the future.
I would like to continue to be the person you need.
I also want to be able to maintain a good relationship.
Have a good break.
I'm watching you from Japan.
my short poem

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =91= The message -551-

There wasn't much time left until the end of the semester, and lazy students needed to be encouraged to take their term papers. Still, out of boredom, in gaps between lectures, Ahmed occasionally met notifications of messages and photos from Olga, and sometimes he even read them without logging into the account. She wrote in terrible English, and many things were incomprehensible...and in general, errors and clumsy phrases were annoying. The things she talked about and the thoughts she expressed seemed incomprehensible and vague, or primitive and banal. He was not interested in this kind of reading. Each time he rolled his eyes, grinning..

The message - 215-
Hello Ahmed.
03/05
Some people can turn off the sense of pain using different ways.
As I remember, but I am not sure, I always mislead all facts, Pascal had constant huge headaches. Solving math tasks helped him to forget about the suffering for a while.

When I visit a dentist or cosmetologist doing pain procedures, I inflict pain somewhere else on my body, usually sticking a finger with nails to decrease the other pain.
I read about experiments with LSD that were controlled with psychiatrists. The direct result of that experience was that people forgot their pain, exactly their view of pain was changed. The earlier horrible pain became tolerable. They described given experience as mind expansion. They felt unity, an accord with each thing, each atom in the world. They were everywhere in one moment. Not all people had the effect, however.

Indian fakirs use methods that they invent, each of them personally for himself.

Adepts of martial arts are taught to cope with pain with specific ways of breathing, psychology practice. I know not much of it, but I guess their methods are close to Indian inventors, but more scientific.

Hypnosis also helps to turn off pain.

Also, anesthetic drugs are the stop valve of pain.

A radical way to stop pain is destroying the nerves which join the place where there is a source and a location of the pain.

I am weak. I suffer even from freezing or cold rain. But when I was a kid, my aunt told me, she saw I pressed a thin blade in my fist, then I broke it into pieces. My palm was bleeding. I looked at my hand in cold silence, with an interest. I was about six. I don't remember this. Now I avoid a tiny pain. I love pain in all my body after training, but I would never allow someone to inflict pain on me.
Today my breast hurt. It occurred to me, I'll die soon. I don't feel any regret. I would have read Baudelaire in this case, all the three months that I would have had left. But I read it twenty years ago. Forgot all the verses. Might confuse myself all over again. If I die, I will die with fine sad music :)
Oh, my god, what bullshit garbage have I written!
I try to imagine a person who deliberately agrees to suffer from pain and inflicts pain on other people.

Макото 15
03/05
I always have a thought.
You can change your appearance, but you can't change your personality.
I have never really thought about hair color or skin color.
It doesn't matter.
A photo of you looks even better when you know your personality.
I think women will be infinitely beautiful. No matter how old you are. Compassion and kindness can be seen in facial expressions.
Perhaps fashion and makeup will change if you are aware of the other person.
But if the inside is clean, I don't think so.
I'm sure it will be clean.
From the first photo
It looks much better now.
So your picture.
Did you like it more?
I had an image of sleeping next to me for a moment. (Lol)
It may be the same for men.
I have to polish myself more.
This week will be a rainy weekend.
If you can't walk, I'll send you a video message.
Have a great weekend.
Also, please send us your photos and videos when you have time.
Smile if you can. Yes, I love your smile.
my short poem

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =92= The message -552-

One day, a message came in French. "From Sarah!" Ahmed's heart thumped. It turned out to be from Olga...why has she written in French? Some poems… He loved poetry but did not look for the author that Olga chose.
In recent days, Olga sent him videos: she rarely appeared in the frame. These were short one-to three-minute clips from the streets of the city, or her work in the office, or walks outside her office during lunch. She even tried to speak, almost inarticulately, in English. Ahmed hardly watched..

The message - 216-
04/05
Je sais qu'il est des yeux, des plus m;lancoliques
Qui ne rec;lent point de secrets pr;cieux ;
Beaux ;crins sans joyaux, m;daillons sans reliques,
Plus vides, plus profonds que vous-m;mes, ; Cieux !

Mais ne suffit-il pas que tu sois l'apparence,
Pour r;jouir un coeur qui fuit la v;rit; ?
Qu'importe ta b;tise ou ton indiff;rence ?
Masque ou d;cor, salut ! J'adore ta beaut;.

Да, я встречал глаза — в них вещих нет секретов,
Хотя они полны возвышенной тоски.
Ларцы без жемчуга, оправы без портретов,
Как сами небеса, пусты и глубоки!
Но пусть весь облик твой — лишь видимость, не боле, —
Он сердце радует, а истина — Бог с ней.
Бездушна, ветрена, глупа — не все равно ли?
Я преклоняюсь, ложь, пред красотой твоей!

It is raining today morning at last..what sweet healing for me sounds like a thick unregular drum-roll.. I am enjoying it..I feel something will be changed..

Макото 16
04/05
I remember the song almost over you that I sent.
That song is what I use as an alarm clock.
So I listen to it everyday.
I usually listen to the songs I send, but for some reason there are many love songs (Lol)
In Japan, stores have gradually opened.
But I can't enter anywhere without a mask.
Because of the coronavirus.
But I'm still afraid to go into the group.
From now on, it will be the rainy season.
It was raining all day yesterday.
The rainy season in Japan is about 40 days a year.
There is humidity and the temperature is around 30 ° C.
It will be a very unpleasant time.
It is during this time that physical condition management is difficult.
The rainy season usually starts around June 8.
When it's over, it's summer.
Let's spend each day taking care of each other's physical condition.
Of course I am watching over you from Japan.
As I always think, the time difference and distance are far, but my feelings are close.
It looks like a sunny day today.
I hope you have a nice day.
my short poem


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =93= The message -553-

Sarah called Ahmed, kidding, "Ahmurai", and their joint exercises on nights as "L'amurkido", although, strictly speaking, she ought not to change the name: the pronounced word "ai" can be written in different hieroglyphs, and it has in Japanese at least two meanings: "a love" and "a harmony — something fitted for something". And if the hieroglyph "love" is combined with "kido"-hieroglyph, the meaning will be something like "air love, love through the air, through the ether" — which, in fact, was the case with this couple. They loved each other and joined in a single ecstasy across a gigantic distance. She didn't feel anything vulgar or rude. She just loved..

The message - 217-
05/05
Hello sheikh Ahmed!
If people call you by such respected word,
I should trust them and have to think
about you in a similar manner, shouldn't I?
But when I recall that you probably called people, who respect you, as "idiots", I don't know what to think, again. Not because you dislike them, but because you said it was very rude and evil, as I felt, not wearily or good humouredly.
My opinion is if you are noble in one way, you are noble in everything. It's impossible, to be a partly moral person as it is impossible to be a bit pregnant, or to be a bit father, to be a partly human being, or a bit zero.
You are or you are not. Sheikh is a very strong word. So, one or the other: you are noble or they are idiots.

The message - 218-
I made acquaintances with several Algerians from the East of the PenPals app. One of them lives in Biskra now. They have similar manners and style in conversation compared to yours, not depending on their age. It's no wonder, you all belong to one country's culture. One of them, young, is Chaoui from the East. I noticed there are not many guys in the East who are able to speak English well. But the adult guy from Biskra has good English. I ceased all conversations with Algerians now, they are not curious about Russia or friendship with an adult woman. You are an exception. You made so many awkward strange steps, I am more and more curious about you, my Ahmed, Ahmed, Ahmed!
I miss you. I want to eat you, swallow you whole, Ahmed. Are you afraid of a wolf in the skin of a sheep? I tend to think, not, but...
*My last name is Volkova, which has the root word "volk", in English "wolf". "A wolf in the skin of a sheep" is a metaphor from the Bible. I am not a noble man, so this metaphor could be applicable to me due to the fact that I am often wrong, I make mistakes, and then, when I change my opinion and say other or opposite things, it looks like I am a liar or hypocrite. Also, I tend to not properly and clearly explain my worldview to other people. For me, what more important is, that if I understand something, I usually avoid sharing with others all the details because it's boring and I don't love arguing.

The videos..It was my office, also a part of me, because that’s where I spent a huge part of my life. Daily, the same actions, boring routine, and the same things. The most interesting things are different people, different couples. I see most of them once or twice. Some of them come to me every month during half of the year if one buys furniture on credit.

It's curious to watch people throughout the different stages of a deal after they've decided they can trust me and agree on the deal. Each visitor who makes an order, at the end of all the long many small actions that the deal requires, feels relieved and starts to tell me about his life, or is kidding, or is saying his thanks. I always say at the end of each deal, "I congratulate you with the purchase of ownership of the furniture. “I wish you a nice assembling”. They always laugh.

Макото 17
05/05
It is the current situation and way of thinking.
I am now sharing an apartment with my separated wife.
I'm friends now.
She works night shifts, so I rarely fit her face because I am a day shifter.
I'm often asked, but I wonder if there will be a return.
Not 100%. I don't do any housework.
The rent is 50-50.
If I find someone who needs me, I will sell the house.
Of course, I need him too.
Domestic or overseas. She agrees.
I can think of it now, but at that time it was annoying to be shy and emotional.
I think I didn't have compassion.
I killed my feelings in my childhood with my father's violence and bullying.
I was acting alone until my mid-30s.
I went swimming every week.
I may be weak in romance because I have little experience.
I wonder if the heart of the other person is still reading well.
To be honest, I'm not confident about myself yet.
If you have a boyfriend or someone you like, please let me know.
I'm not kidding.
Show your facial expressions as much as possible in photos and videos.
I want to see if I'm fine.


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =94= The message -554-

They loved watching Japanese anime and cartoons together. Ahmed had loved the character Todoroki Takaya since childhood, and Sarah was a fan of everything about "the Blob" — her favorite subject of her research — which she called "the genius without a brain."
This one-celled creature delighted Sarah immensely. One cell, as she told Ahmed, can reach gigantic sizes.
She showed Ahmed her videos made with a high-resolution camera: how the slime grew.
On the first day of the quarantine in France, she installed a camera in a box with action figures of cartoon characters, and by the eighth day, Physarum polycephalum had absorbed Kenny. She made short videos with other characters: the slime ate a large spider, spread across photos of the early 20th century, devouring the dashing mustaches and top hats of the gentlemen until they disappeared behind the thicket of the cage. Once there was a very funny video with a metal head of C-3PO from Star Wars, voiced by cuts from quotes of the movie hero. She posted these videos on her Safebookpage.
Sarah loved her job and gave names to the mold strains. For example, she had an albino Lulu, a translucent white mold. The body of this mold was colored in almost any color of the dye added to its food. The blue mold Sarah called Schtroumpf — Smurf, the red — Rose.

The message - 219-
06/05
Hello Ahmed.
He, my "former", has found a job and decided he will work there, 18 kilometers from Tyumen, for a month, because of that, as I thought, we decided at last to live separately.
The last day before he left us (the day before yesterday), he made an attempt to hug me, but I shrunk away from him.
He said, "I want to kiss your forehead, the last time."
He kissed me, said, "I apologize if I offended you somehow. I had to go away earlier."
"We are too different, have nothing in common.", I answered, "I always told you to go to your country. You are handsome, strong, sexy, able to find a good woman, and create a new family."
"Do you have someone?"
"No, never had, don't have. Don't say such foolishness!"
"I will go there for about a month, then I'll earn money and go home from you, forever."
"Good." I left the room.

When I refused to live in one room with him about a month ago, he firstly became angry, then in several weeks I saw one morning he had red eyes, maybe, he cried at night. I never saw him crying. He is strong and brave, and isn't afraid of snakes, big animals and big aggressive people, but he is afraid of my opinions.
My daughter said he complained I didn't call him. He decided I was angry because of  money, due to him living on my money, that he didn't earn enough..my god, I would never be angry, denying him of gold. Our lives were so poor, money was never significant for me..how blind he is!

Thank you for your help, Ahmed. I decided, if your two ex-wives are able to survive in such a difficult-for-women country as Algeria, I can too. I can live alone, be independent of someone else, live for my only reason I will find, I hope, soon. I don't want to be his sex-puppet. All those years I was just a mannequin, not a clever person. I never told him he is so poor in sex because it would be the same as killingl him. I asked him, gave him hints what he should do, but he was always too stupid. On the other hand, I've never known another man, so I have no experience of comparing him and others.. I ignored my own willings. Now I want to love and respect myself and others. To start a new life, a better life.

Макото 18
06/05
Please pardon the sudden email yesterday.
I felt like I couldn't read the situation of the other person.
I've been feeling like I'm sending something unilaterally.
It's weird to have an open conversation when I'm not open.
That is why I told the truth.
Hopefully you can share the feelings you are thinking of. Joy and sadness.
I wonder if we can find a better place if we talk to each other with sincerity.
Yes, and I want you to send me your picture because I can see your expression.
If you have the same idea, the relationship will continue for a long time.
I think it's important to respect you forever.
6 мая
Today I wanted to go for a drive together and went to the sea.
It is said that the rocks you saw while walking were called Migakiura, and the stones you threw from Ise Shrine arrived.
The locals have told me that the shrine is famous for being a local shrine.
I took it in the hope that I could go with you someday.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =95= The message -555-

Ahmed came across a message from Olga, beginning with the words: "Hello, Ahmed. Today I want to summarize all I know about Ahmed.”
He had to read everything she had fantasized about. Oddly enough, she guessed a lot. Still, his image was incomplete, simplified, reduced, in Ahmed's opinion.
In Japan, Ahmed found studying languages very difficult. Seventeen years ago, his spoken English was quite bad, and he didn't know Japanese at all when he came to Japan. In addition, in his spare time from school, he worked as a janitor, a waiter, or somewhere else in eateries in various auxiliary jobs that complicated his life then. It was an interesting experience that he was grateful for the destiny, but he survived in Japan only because of his perseverance and hard work in many areas of life.
Among other things, a very large and important part of his life was occupied by a passion for various martial techniques and arts. He spared no energy, time, money, and health to get to the most famous and best teachers in Japan, including the ones in the toughest and most brutal sports. Several times he left his training with broken ribs.
His doctorate degree became an accident: his teacher was very loyal to him because Ahmed was older than the others in the group and one of the most reliable students, so from year to year the professor appointed him as the head of the group: this resulted in a small additional income, as well as grants from the Japanese government for excellent studies.
Friendship with the professor, Olga correctly guessed, helped Ahmed in all areas of life, and not only in Japan. The Japanese professor visited Algeria, too.
Ahmed would never accept that he himself was "soft” and" snobbish." How is this combination even possible?
He was from a family of simple teachers. In the 90s they lived in a poor neighborhood where theft, hooliganism, and even banditry flourished. Ahmed had never been a coward, and he felt like a warrior in the noblest sense of the word.

The message - 220-
07/05
Hello Ahmed.
Today I want to summarize all that I know  about Ahmed.
As I understood, he is from a good Algerian family. Good in all senses: most of them have good health, good education, good job and good social liaisons. His father is still alive, prouds of his son Ahmed. His uncle is a person in charge, in the education sphere. And, as I got, Ahmed has many relatives in the sphere related to teaching and education.
Ahmed always was a very good student, and had a strong memory. An adorable architect of his was Charles-Edouard Jeanneret-Gris. It is no wonder. Ahmed is native French,  so he had the opportunity to read Corbusie's works in their original language. Le Corbusier was popular those years, Ahmed lived in Algeria influenced by France. Ahmed always had chosen the most spectacular and affective ideas. Ahmed tends to such high-expressive architecture, which consists of clear universal ideas. He worships historical styles in architecture. His position was: it did not pass away as just a huge period of humanity development. Ahmed's desire for the beginning was to mix ancient orient African architecture with modern Le Corbusier's mechanical ideas of buildings and of man, his earlier drawings shows.
After graduating from a University in 1993, Ahmed started teaching in the University: he had good relationships with relatives and he was reliable. Nobody takes as a lecturer a just graduated bachelor guy if they cannot trust him all the 100%. Moreover, they were given him the position of architect adviser for years, 1993-2001, until the new campus of the University had been built. I think he also did architecture planning for some public projects, maybe villas. He obviously had a lot of energy. He made his project of a memory tower instead of a trade center in New York.
I don't know, was he married those years, but I suspect he had a very early marriage and has as minimum a son from his first marriage. His achievements in studying were best in his **** University. Cool guy. But he looked like a goose, with a thin long neck, and had puppy's eyes.
Then, I didn't guess what happened: probably he divorced, if he was married, I doubt here, or he decided to make a teaching career, he entered magistrature. After graduating it with honor he spent one year teaching students, and he got an invitation to study in Japan. I am sure, it was a casual, like everything in his life, invitation, as an exchange between Universities. He wasn't forced to save his money for those four years. Maybe he has good relatives and, obviously, good social skills additional to his fine memory. Maybe he even was clever too.
Nagoya Institute of Technology is one of the best Universities in Japan. Best foreign students are encouraged by grants and scholarships from the Japanese government. But he had to be competitive here. I hope, as usual, social skills and being involved in country culture (martial arts) helped him to be first. Clear head, hard will, persistence, attention to people and their needs. Here he had a Japanese girlfriend, in his first year in Japan in 2002. He, as usual, used what he could find near him..but for most people it is a usual thing to find love or to marry classmates or neighbors, or colleagues, or a relative. Probably the first marriage could be with a Japanese girl.
His skills were improved here, in Nagoya. Todoroki-sensei seems to me to be a dreamer, a person flying in a blue blue sky, in the cosmos. I like him. A very handsome Japanese, by the way, despite he's short. He appreciated Ahmed's achievements, encouraged him, and helped him very much. Ahmed consumed and accepted Todoroki's researches and used them during all his career in teaching and science works. From 2005 till 2010 Ahmed didn't work, spending his scholarship and grants. Where did Leyla come from? I cannot imagine. What I cannot get is why he worked for his doctor degree 5 or 6 years, and Leyla only two years? Did Todoroki-sensey give him this opportunity for staying in Japan as long as possible, or are there different rates of doctorate, I don't know. Ahmed attracted his young wife in each publication from the University: maybe for earning more money. After they divorced, she abruptly changed her research work directions.
In 2016 Todoroki laboratory was closed. Ahmed was forced to return to Algeria, working hard in Bejaia. What the hell ran between Leyla and Ahmed? I saw her avatar in Linkedin and others: such women are more strong than any men. I would have been afraid of her if I had been her student. Such women: modest and polite, but strong and clever, should attract my personage well due to him seeming meek and snobbish. It is interesting, when he started the group of martial arts in Algeria, did he train people regularly? Or from time to time as an invited sensei.
Then he found a place in other Japanese Universities, from time to time. They say, it is hard for doctor's degree graduated Japanese people to find a fit to their degree work in Japan. Foreigners can earn more or less compared to Japanese. It depends on their qualification and experience. One guy, a lecturer in barrier-free design, the previous lecturer before Ahmed, I saw, worked as a teacher in a pottery club after the job in the University. He was skilled in making exclusively decorated cool pots, which are so expensive in Japan. Ahmed came after him at this place and stayed for a year or two..I don't remember. What does Ahmed do now? I wish I knew..I leave him for a while..for there are more interesting objects.
Close your eyes and look around.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =96= The message -556-

Sarah respected and loved mathematics, and supported the projects of her colleagues. She told Ahmed about a book by a mathematician she knew. He had been involved in biological projects for more than twenty years. In this book, he proposed equations for measuring feelings for a partner over time and fixing relationships. The equations can be applied to any relationship, and in the book, he gave examples of such historical figures and fictional characters to illustrate this.
"These equations are used to analyze three main parameters: attraction, reaction to the feelings of the partner, and the "erosion" of the couple, or feelings that disappear over time. The combination of these parameters is unique for each person and couple. According to him,” Sarah said, "by manipulating these parameters, you increase the chances that the relationship will last. You can make another person fell in love with you."

The message - 221-
09/05
Hello Almed!
How are you, Ahmed?
What do you see, Ahmed, when you close your eyes?
I see a big gloomy, almost empty room. Somebody used to live here many hundreds of years ago. All things cover green-grey, color like a soldier's haky uniform, dust.
There are several lopsided portraits on the walls,  the same dusty. I can recognize some people. They are not relatives of the owner. Relatives' memories she keeps in the top drawer in the desk. There's less dust in it, so there's no need to dust them often. They are almost forgotten.
This room is one of those many in the house, and it is the dustiest. It is so not because she rarely has been here, but, opposite, too often she brings here dust with her from outside. Soon, will come the day she'll lose her way here forever or, otherwise, will stay here forever.
But yet she spent all her time once she closed her eyes. She comes here with her ideas, looks at grey shelves, starts sweeping dust with her hand. It becomes foggy as if a hurricane came, not a man, outlines of things lose their clearity and become not visible in the distance of stretched hands from the dust of time.

The message - 222-
11/05
Hello, god!
These days I feel weak, have a fever, a little headache, and pain in my eyes. My daughter says she feels the same. Oksana, from Irkutsk, also says she has a fever and cough. I have an inflammation of my nose skin, probably because of constantly wearing masks. Now I am twice ugly. I miss training in the gym, my veins became twice thick..as I see, but I am wrong of course. It's only one month since I missed the gym, but I feel it was so long ago, a long time passed in my life. From the streets came a horrible aroma through windows. My daughter says it was from a poultry fabric. I've never met such a stink in the center of the city before. Kaoru writes lazily and vaguely about our relationships. I asked him..The other Japanese also sent his many videos and poems. The last two were about our relationships. We don't have any relationships! What was he talking about? I am not going to make any new acquaintances. Arab from Morocco sings me songs and sends photos of dishes' from Ramadan. You ignore me. He came to the village again. I don't miss him, but he's sure I should. He still has the hope I'll stay with him. I have enough customers. Fine, I can cover my horrible nose with a mask, thus I can go out and don't look strange at work due to the outbreak of the disaster period. Nobody is afraid covid despite the rate of cases increasing every day in Tyumen. People are walking and riding on streets because it is +27C lately, the first warm days, that are rare here in May. It is still unannounced when the final exams will be going and how the entering in Universities procedures will be organized.
Unclear, vague, gloomy is my mood. I don't notice the rooster's "kukareku" because I wake up at seven instead of five. Or, maybe, he was eaten. I want to be eaten too, at least for not to be experiencing a headache and weakness.

The message - 223-
12/05
Relationships..in English is a very polysemous word.
I always feel misled and puzzled when they start writing about our relationships. I've found in Wiki:
**Relationship most often refers to:**
Family relations and relatives: consanguinity;
Interpersonal relationship, a strong, deep, or close association or acquaintance between two or more people;
Correlation and dependence, relationships in mathematics and statistics between two variables or sets of data;
Semantic relationship, an ontology component;
Romance (love), a connection between two people driven by love and/or sexual attraction.
**List of paraphrases:**
relations, relationships, links, ties, linkages, reports, affairs, dealings, relaciones, contacts, connections, intercourse, interrelationships.

You and Kaoru were not roosters. This is what I like very much. Sometimes I look at your portfolio you sent me, I love to see how you were growing: from very primitive compositions to.. you know, I don't find your architecture style friendly to humans. I still see their machines, mechanisms for living instead of buildings. Maybe I am still wrong.

Due to your portfolio and your silence, and your cold images, cold messages where you are always merry and full of energy you also seem to be more a mechanical man created from gear wheels and damping pistons than an alive man from cells and feelings.

However I cannot shake off the idea that you are meek and catching man/clay pigeon (cannot find a fit word),  I say it without any evidence, just according to my senses.

Those roosters.. they ask for my attention, my messages, my voice, videos, want I see their videos and photos, answer their messages immediately. They write to me about how gorgeous I am, how they are missing, thinking, waiting for my response.

On one hand, I like such attention. On the other hand, I feel tired of many, many repeated words. I think the same with you: you feel bored (you would have been bored if you had read them) of what I say all the same each time in my letters. "I miss you." I agree with you, I am boring. (At least you are not scared of me anymore:) I cannot fly over my head yet. My thoughts are heavy, have no wings.

My lovely Fromm. I adore this man, his ideas. They seem naive but so fascinating! I could not find his full work in Russian, so I tried to read it in English. Good that despite him being German, this one his work he had written in English, so used not very difficult, understandable vocabulary.

This work I have chosen because I met a mention of it in one article. They mention what is love to God. Fromm said it is a desire, an eager, no, commitment to, pursuance of...I would like to figure that out.

Roosters..often say and offer me "relationships". I always feel puzzled about what they mean. That Italian I told you about was funny peculiar: firstly he said I am so beautiful, but he loves me due to my personality, sends me photos of his mother and garden, asked for relationships...I agreed, I said, yes, I can try..he send me his own several pics he drinking beer with his friends in Italy..he, in my opinion, is disgusting, I hate alcohol lovers..and he is ugly, on my just mood..in three days I said, I apologize, I cannot be in relationships (he mentioned this word many many many times)...I honestly tried...I cannot. He sent me his difiramb how beautiful I am and an invitation to oral and anal sex...

There are other kinds of roosters. One, Japanese, wants me to walk with him every day together. He sends me his videos where he is walking along the streets of his city near Nagoya, or in parks, the most frequently repeated word is "together": one day we will be walking here together. He is ugly too, I hardly force myself to watch the videos. But I still respect the person yet. He isn't afraid to show himself, he isn't afraid to speak in his poor English, to show his poor car, house, ugly appearance. Also, he writes short poems in English for me about his feelings from life and describes the lockdown in Japan. He also used "relationships" in his poems and I was puzzled by their meaning.

Another Arab rooster says he has a girlfriend from Romania 22 years old, both of them are virgins. He writes to me almost every day, sends his photos, asks for my..toe's photos...I cannot make a grasp of what he wants, too. He is clever. He is religious. He is an Amazigh. He is well educated, he has fine English, and he is trying to help me. Polite. Always calls me a gorgeous russian woman:) He didn't talk about relationships, but we had a long conversation where we had agreed he is not looking for love or sexual photos or something like that from me. Despite it, he is a rooster due to I feel his unuttered bother that he hides yet. I met many such guys from Ghana, China, and India at the age of 22-35. I like him very much.

A new rooster makes his loud "KUKAREKU", cock-a-doodle-doo, during the last two days from Korea. I have known him for longer than a year on WhatsApp. He writes to me about once every three months. This time I sent him my video with my red nose. He was crowing all day yesterday. I feel bored. But he is polite, I don't want to insult or hurt him. I feel something is wrong with him. He can speak Russian a little.

Kaoru.
I like him very much. Decent person. Strong, vibrate, alive. Not very clever, but not stupid, not boring. An encouraging, positive, optimistic person. Has a healthy head and a clear soul. I miss him, he writes to me in a day or two.. He also always says to me his compliments, but I believe him because they sound. I like his manner of avoiding direct answers, but I am often misled. He holds himself far from me, as you..sometimes it seems you are one person.

My kukareku: I miss you, Ahmed. Have a nice day. Maybe one day I will be able to sing songs or maybe even speak like a human.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =97= The message -557-

"Why do I need Ahmed?" Olga resisted her invented attachment: "Ahmed correctly asked: why on earth am I so deeply interested in his personal life? In hindsight, I understand that a real meeting would have killed all the feelings, for sure. And what will I do if he suddenly makes contact?"
And yet, the unsinkable boat of her stubborn curiosity was carried away by the swirling waves that raged among the reefs of her small brain, no one knew where — where God would direct.

The message - 224-
14/05
Hello Ahmed!
Thank you for your question. I got at last why you attract me so much that I am involved in your life, trying to know forbidden private information about the most intimate strings of your soul. I got a bit, as it seems to me.
The most attractive thing is exactly the fact that  you are a very good educated man, a doctor of science in your area. It seems the most sexual for me. That is because of two things, as I think.
First is: my father. I told you, he had a diploma with honor, and was very clever. Just after he graduated, he built many new houses in a mooring area, which was difficult at that time. He made some inventions that allowed the building of four- and five-storey houses in such areas. Those houses are still used. Then he became a person in charge, took on very big duties in the government of the city until he died. I was 10/11 y.o.
Then, it was my teacher in physics at University. He was a doctor of science, an associate professor, and had a very good education. He was from Moscow, was divorced, had an adult daughter a bit older than me at that time, they lived in Moscow. He was born in Ukraine, has typical pronunciation, dark-grey eyes which I loved very much, mustache and glasses. He was twice my age, even more. I was 18/19 and his age was 55/56. His hobby seemed very strange: each morning he went to a river, even in winter, when it is ice, to swim. And most of all he loved his work. He was a researcher, made a discovery in his area, a physical phenomenon associated with iodine. The Internet was full of his research, he was at the peak of his science career. I don't know why I attracted him so much. Honestly, I didn't believe my eyes until, several years later, I met my classmate and she asked me how the story ended with that lecturer who loved me so much. She thought we had romantic relationships. He attracted me probably because of his unusual manners and his interest and attention to me. I was just a girl. I did not have any sexual experience. It was easy for me to solve physics tasks, he was impressed maybe, or, as he said, I reminded him of his daughter. He never invited me to dialogue, we hardly ever were alone in a room. But I always felt he gazed at me, he was getting more nervous, I was closer, he was thrilled. And I put myself in confrontation with him despite that he attracted me so much. I thought about him later for years. You have a similar very intelligent appearance, but you are quite different in whole. I like you even more, at yet.

Another thing that attracts me is.. that you are an Arab, at least Muslim, who has this mentality. And it is also from my childhood. In USSR there was one very stupid and primitive, but a popular, movie: a noble guy, a horseman from one of a friend-to-Russia republic (exactly Azerbaijan), a Muslim, met a girl in Moscow and fell in love with her. Then they were exchanged by letters, but.. there was a bad Russian guy, a lazy drinker, but a good worker, who lived here. And he somehow made she didn't receive those letters from the Muslim. And even he quoted those letters as if it was written by himself. Those were beautiful romantic letters. She decided the Azerbaijanian guy forgot her and was getting about to marry the Russian guy, when..the Muslim had known she was going get married to another man and decided to figure out why she preferred the bad guy despite his incredible letters. He came to her...and so on...they were happy together, he took her to his country.
Probably I had a very bad experience with my father: when he became a very big head of the city, he started drinking more alcohol. I saw disgusting scenes between parents, she was hitting him once when he was drunk. I saw many drunk parties in our home, and many important people were invited. I hated them. My mother said they were "useful" people. You know, my partner was Azerbaijanian. I just now realized why I have chosen him.

The third thing that attracts me is that you seem meek and strong. The combination of tenderness and power. When I was a kid, we always had fights with my brother. He was four years older than me, stronger and clever than me. He has one friend, his name was Irzhik (he was mixed between an Armenian woman and a Bulgarian man), he seemed me Muslim too due to he had the Caucasian appearance (dark brown gasel eyes, dark hair, black long lush lashes), was noble, always defenced me from my brother's mockeries. I loved him with gratitude in my heart when I was a teenager until I met my lecturer. Of course, nobody knew about my obsession: nor friends, nor family, nor him. He was a very handsome guy. Later he had become a "king of cigarettes” in our city, he was not well educated, but became rich, didn't drink and smoke, and now he has a big happy family.

I realized why I want you, also why you attract me, what kind of man I should look for. But I am attentive, I do not want to make the mistake again...and maybe it's too late for searching for a partner...there are not many such persons similar to them and with you...in my age..almost impossible...I must decide which man I want, which life.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =98= The message -558-

For more than a month, Ahmed had not logged into the Telegram account. Olga continued to send him her messages and even videos. Something like a bad habit had developed in her. Whatever nonsense came into her head, she couldn't help but send IT to HIM, Ahmed. He began to seem to her as an ideal of a man. In her messages, she sometimes talked to herself, then, from time to time, to Ahmed, then to the black hole, then to God.

The message - 225-
15/05
Hello Ahmed!
What is your life like, Ahmed? Today morning I had a dream. I spent the night in my garden our family used to have when I was a kid. When I was pregnant I was forced to sell it for ridiculous money. There used to be a house, a two-stored one, built by my father. Our neighbor was one of his classmates in University.
I saw in my dream that boys from his house came to my one for, like, an excursion. I saw their company staying on the stairs and I invited them to rise to the second floor.
They were curious: they'd found hidden places in the house I didn't guess about. Many small cute hidden rooms I'd never seen. Why did my parents never show me them? I was about to cry and felt bitter.
I made so many mistakes in my life. I lost almost all the property my father earned. I made the casual stupid choice of partner for life and kept by him as if he was gold despite I always told him to go away from us. I educated my daughter in a bad way. I didn't educate myself properly. Educate in the sense to know my profession, people, men, life, and myself. I still don't know what I love, what I want, where to go. I've spent little time thinking about how to live. My boat was steered by the flow of life, I had no paddles and didn't try to see where it was headed to. I saw just vague hills. But now I tend to see sharp stones and water downs.

Now he is 53. He wanted me almost every day. He is handsome and strong. He loved very long preludes, kissed and bit me, so long, that sometimes he cannot end. So he tries to end up once and once again. But I am not a doll. His smooches become torture for me. He admires me, I am on top. But I don't see his reaction, he lies as a dead corpse, without any sound or facial expression, that does not thrill me. He never gives me encouragement, stimulating words. In short, very often I feel empty. I feel he uses my body as if I were a soulless wordless lifeless stupid doll.

Sorry, I told you about it here. Maybe all of this and me are disgusting for you. But..I'm sure you don't read my garbage, and...I trust you if you read. I am sorry I use your place as a polygon for my experiments. I like you. You are a man I could love. I think he understood I don't pretend to enter his life. I am looking for a new place in my life. I am not unhappy but I want to be happy. My former partner has played all his parties in my life. I must not allow him to stay with me.
Okay, last three minutes before I get up...
Good morning, Olga! Have a nice day, Olga!


The message - 226-
16/05
Hello Ahmed!
I always was an outsider to our mass culture, an outsider in life. I ignored some rules in the surrounding world, some norms accepted in the society. I was confronting reality all my life. I lived in the space I imagined by myself. I had special glasses that were distorting all around.

But at the same time, I am a product of that culture because I grew up here. I am Russian, but the world where I live is not Russian. My worldview was formed by mostly European and American books of the 18-20 centuries, the same in music, mostly classical and traditional for different countries. My attitudes and beliefs in family and attitudes in sex were somehow based on my imaginations of Caucasian culture. On the other hand, I never felt shame in sexual games with my partner because I've read many sex books when I was a teen. Almost all I know about people, life, sense, feelings, and so on are from books. I had no life.
I didn't face many problems other people meet. I am an artificial human being.
I have in my head a horrible mix of Muslim and European points of view in many areas. I often don't realize where they are, those meeting points.
...I lost track of my thoughts...bye for now...

The message - 227-
17/05
Hello Ahmed!
I am looking at the single your photo in good quality, your face for *** University portfolio, I see your fine amber eyes, so clear and sincere, young and bright in your old seamed pigmenting face that is a bit ugly in the whole. I am tracking the fine lines of your face-bones I told you about, I see inclemency in your features, almost cruelty, that is abhorrent to love. Your thin lips seem to make sometimes cruel, sometimes poisonous, cynical smiles. The feeling of atrocity is increased by crooked teeth and dark patches of unshaven cheeks. However,  you look like an old kind thick woman in that armor. Even your hands look like women's, so tender they are in all your photographs I've ever seen. Your curved wayward hair makes you similar to a big bird, a clever parrot with a topknot I always want ummmmmmm.. to touch..as your prickly cheek too.. In some photos you look as light as a butterfly, very elegant, having no weight, as if you are filled with helium inside, like a balloon. I love your gesticulation and hands in all their positions.
I like you very much :) Have a nice day, Ahmed.


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =99= The message -559-

Olga ended all conversations with the other men, ignoring Makoto's messages, blocking Kaoro, and not entering PenPals anymore. And the young Arab himself got rid of her.
Olga started a page in the Safebook and was stunned when, as the first friend, she added Sculptor. She was flooded with friend requests from Africans and Arabs, whom she never knew. She added everyone for the beginning. She was often called without initial agreement, even at night, and it was even impossible to turn off the sound of the notifications and the ringtones. She had never answered these random people. Часто встречались грязные предложения и фотографии или гифки сексуального характера. Тогда он повторяла про себя: “Ахмед, Ахмед, Ахмед, Ахмед..!”

She came up with the idea of making Ahmed the hero of a book. She had known so much about him now that she seemed to be able to talk about his life for him. At first, Olga wanted to create an article about him in Kiwipedia, but after looking at how many links she would need to collect to confirm the information in the articles, she abandoned the idea. She will fantasize freely about what Ahmed is...

The message - 228-
17/05/2020
Hello Ahmed!
Yesterday I got a message with a poem from one of my Japanese, indeed I have only one now, with Kaoru I refused to talk. This man in his poem mentioned: "So your picture. I had an image of sleeping next to me for a moment."
I also tried to see you next to me in my bed, just for curiosity. No one of your facial expressions which I've ever seen I found fit...I mean I would like to see you near. But this pillow fits the second circle. I did not have on my PC that one picture where you are wearing armor..so I feel bad due to the lack of your outfit-wearing image on the pillow in the row of the pictures, I have drawn the last fifteen minutes of my working day today. Have a look at that:

Recently I became a fan of Russian writer Viktor Pelevin. Even forgot Fromm for a while (his ranting is difficult for me, even in Russian). Pelevin's works are hardly translatable in foreign languages due to the fact that he has quite a specific lexicon, uses dirty words, and has an obscene vocabulary. But he is a genius, his style of thinking is awesome...
In one of his novels, I found an idea. The idea is if I can stop think and guess who you are in real life, but create my own Ahmed ***ri and describe him as it will go, not looking back, not trying to see forward. As if he was a hero character of a novel with his own life according, and fit the novel. I'm not going to write literature but will try to say what I feel, who I feel. It would be fun and useful. Don't feel offended. I have not the goal to humiliate you, just curiosity and love are my move to you.

Макото 19
19/05
The idea changed after the coronavirus spread.
Do what you can do now.
Enjoy now.
I am 57 years old.
How about another 20 years or so?
You should think about what you can do for someone who needs me.
I hope I can help you a little.
Not everyone agrees because it is my opinion and thoughts.
So some people may not need it.
The person who leaves is good because it is a principle of not chasing what goes away.
After all, it was just such a thing for that person.
Time is limited.
I just want to make sure I have no regrets.
Maybe you can't get empathy unless you talk openly.
If everything is true, you can definitely understand the situation of the other party.
I know whether it's fun or hard.
I wonder if the situation can be better understood if there are pictures and videos.
With your picture
For me, it changed to the idea of learning more about you.
If you do so, the message you send will change.
I wonder what I'm saying from someone who doesn't need me

Макото 20
23/05
I used to dream of being alone.
I've always wanted to leave Japan.
I want to change now.
It was a misery in my childhood. I was scared and wanted to escape.
From elementary school to junior high school, 9 years were miserable.
Around that time I met Western music. I was saved by music.
Coincidentally.
I really wanted to live where there are no Japanese.
It's not annoying.
I'm still lucky.
I found an escape.
I can understand the pain. If it's pitch black and you can't see, I'll walk together until you see the light.
I'm the type of person I want to think about together when I'm in pain.
Because it was useful in old times when it was difficult.
My existence is small.
I think so when you see nature.
I think we should be more up to date these days.
If you understand the situation in which you are placed, the words you call will change.
I think I have to speak from the other party's point of view.
I would be happy if I could be a plus for you.
I still don't want to live in Japan
This may be due to childhood runaways.
I used to run away from home.
my short poem
Макото 21
23/05
I have a mother who is 83 years old.
My father is dead.
I have a younger sister who is two years old.
Originally my mother has no religion.
It is important for me to think that my mother keeps me alive every day.
If you get angry, you should reflect on it every day.
So I have no religion either.
I didn't think of it in the old days, but now I respect my mother.
It's hard to reflect daily.
I'm laughing and talking about the past.
My mom also worked and I wanted to live alone so I started cooking.
I'm grateful now.
The child sees the situation and thinks about what he can do.
What I think now is that children need love most.
You may get angry because you are a human, but at that time you should reflect.
I apologize to my mother for my child. I'm sure the free love reaches the children.
I'm not very emotional because I don't grow up with affection.
My mother says that children are study materials.
Because I can grow up with my child every day.
If you grow up with your child, you will surely have a better relationship with them.
my short poem
Макото 22
26/05
I wanted to have a best friend abroad and started English.
It doesn't matter if you are married or have a boyfriend because you are a close friend.
It just creates an environment where you can have an open conversation.
To know the situation of the other person.
I'm a best friend, so when I'm having fun, I enjoy it together, and when I'm in pain, I think together.
There are always disagreements.
However, he is speaking while thinking about the other person.
each other.
Of course, there should be people who don't need a best friend.
Perhaps the conversation will be the same because it is only on the surface.
Emotions are not transferred.
All my thoughts and situations are open.
I don't think it's fun to have open conversations.
I don't think anyone can do it if it's just normal communication.
Not even me.
I'm the type I like to enjoy and think about together.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The chunk =100= The message -560-

Olga hardly wrote to Ahmed these two weeks.
To know what a well is, you need to first fall into this well.
She was collecting information. First of all, she went to GoogleMap, studying the map of Japan. Many of the streets of Nagoya and other cities were so wonderfully digitized that Olga had the impression of a real walk. One could stop at one metro station, to go through all these long passages, and to find oneself in another part of the city, having observed all the surrounding details of the city along the way. Oh, what a wonderful railway bridge she found: it stretched for kilometers and, parallel to it, on the asphalt shone a rainbow reflection from its shiny side!
She went through the websites of universities in Japan and in Algeria, where Ahmed worked. She studied all the sources where Ahmed's research works were stored, looked through his Tiwtter and Safebook-accounts. She read forums of foreign teachers about their life in Japan, about the defense of their doctoral degrees, and about the prospects for foreigners in Japan, as well as just about Japan. She had seen a lot of crazy Japanese ads. She listened to vloggers living in Japan, walked through the streets of Japanese cities watching videos in HD quality. She started reading a book by a Russian author about Japanese architecture. She became interested in Buddhism, the religions, and the beliefs of the Japanese. She discovered and read two novels, from Pelevin and Akunin, where the action took place in or near Japan. There wasn't much time. It was necessary to create her bullshit! Therefore, she did not read Japanese literature at all, although she could, and it would be an exciting thing to read.
It took Olga three weeks to write the first six chunks.
She mentally plotted the reason for Ahmed's trip to Japan. The path of the trip had been traced on the map: from the place where the photo with three samurai statues, which he had published on his Safebook at 02.01.2020, was taken, toward Nagoya city where his university was located.
Olga wandered somewhere near Ahmed, felt that there was a lack of lively dialogue in her chunks, too many drawn-out descriptions. She felt that Ahmed's walks seemed not a man's, but a childish vision. But she could not figure out anything else. She dared not approach Ahmed: his feelings and thoughts were a mystery to her, which she could neither imagine nor express in words.
She began to write the chunks in Russian because she did not have enough knowledge of English. She translated from Russian to English using online translators, and then made edits, adding her own phrases or changing the vocabulary, realizing how clumsy, for sure, it sounds in both languages: she was not strong even in her native language.
She decided to herself that an idiot is an idiot everywhere, even in Africa, and idiots are allowed and forgiven a lot.
Finally, she sent the first six chunks to Ahmed.

The message - 230-
26/05/20
Hello Ahmed!
Unfortunately, you are more Muslim mentally, Muslim in the vulgar sense, not their the noblest realization, than I expected. You make all the same as all other common Muslims but less than usual, due to you being good educated. In Japan, you may have developed the skills in how to be useful to people, how to be a good friend, or have friendly relationships without being real friends.
You always want to seem more muscular, more male than you are, as I feel of course. Your nature is more poetic, meeker, more feminine, and sensitive. You are a young dreamer in your soul. But you deny your such qualities, prefer to be manful, but, it is fine, cannot be rude or cruel. You are always running after manliness. But I was embarrassed to meet mature attractive women. You don't realize it, probably, you are more relaxed and friendly, also interested in young inexperienced girls, your students, for example, you feel you are 25 in their company for a while, forget about your age if they encourage you, don't do big eyes. I noticed you are afraid to be accused of sexual abuse, but not with a young girl, it's a more spacious woman. I am not saying that you avoid contact with older women. You usually become shy with an active adult or experienced attractive woman, but you hide it by doing a brave look (and again feel like a 25 years old guy). I said attractive..not everyone..this is another question which exactly women you find attractive and why. This is the most difficult to explain. You are not a simple nature.
I think if you accept that you are a bit feminine despite your scholar and sports achievements, and high status in life, you'll become happier and really more mature, real Man. I would like to see you free.
Interesting, can you express your feelings directly to the object of your obsession except for your love for martial arts and friends? I am sure you hardly say about your feelings, hardly can utter to someone the most important "I love you" or "I am proud of you" face to face, prefer impressing in other forms your feelings, in comments in social media as most Arabians, in money, in gifts. It is impossible to say looking at clear loved eyes. Say just because you are flooding with the sense of love right now, for no reason, not a "formal" expression as it uses American families "I love you, ma, pa! We love you too!" daily. Don't know about you. You are better than me.

For me it is difficult. I never told my daughter directly "I love you", instead I say "you are clever, beautiful, something else. I never told it to my "partner" because I've never felt that way. My mother and father never told me. Americans are great. I would like to hear it every day because hypnosis is greatly beneficial. Why can't I cope with myself? It is too late to start due to not being considered trustworthy acting.

The message - 230-
27/05
Hello Ahmed!
Today's my day off. The workday again was 8-9 hours long. I feel quite tired from such long 9-hours sitting in my office, so I needed a long rest and spent the day lazy again.
Close to evening, I decided at last to watch the movie my daughter loves so much, a good tale for girls, "Pride and Prejudice". I was alone in the by-thick-curtains-darkened room. From time to time she'd open the door to look where I am watching now, and asked: "So what? What is it like?". When the movie ended, I sat on the windowsill due to hearing thunder. I saw the thunderstorm was far far away, I could see plenty of bright lightning and grey stripes of rain far away, there was no rain here. Then I saw half of the sky was getting clearer and clearer. I was gazing at the bright place, ignoring lightning in the other half of the heavens. They burst in the area that I could observe from my window and in that part of sky that was hidden by the roof. I thought that it was my life: I could not see all the situations from my cage I am in. I can see and understand the small part of... I don't know.. of being. I would like to have apprehension about what is waiting for me further, I would like to predict a bit, to have known a bit for avoiding stupid mistakes. Also, I want to understand more about life, the things I face every day, the people I meet and know.
I watched how the bright part of heaven got brightly blue and sunny, I started crying a bit and it had begun to rain right in front of my window at the same moment. "How strange..", it occurred to me: "how strange.." It ceased in two minutes of rain before I dried my tears. All the dark clouds were swept away by a strong fresh wind. I love such weather. It brings recovery. A fresh thunderstorm came here at last..to me. Trees are merrily greeting it waving with dignity by their giant branches. Spicy air..umm...how much I love it...I love to live experiencing such moments.

The message - 230--235-
Chunks =1--6=
07/06--14/06

The message - 236-
9/06
Hello Ahmed!
I miss you very much, don’t know why. I did not make time for translating the new book and for writing a new message. However, I always keep your image and my feeling of you in my mind, and talk with you in my head every single day. I know you don’t want to even know what I think or you consider yourself as knowing and understanding of that. That is why I don’t place here my daily thoughts. They are also not important for me because they can be changed rapidly.  Today is an exceptional day. I want to talk today and I have a bit of time. I did not meet someone better for me than you..or my imagination of you. I will correct some places in the book: Japan, it turned out, is much different than I imagined. It is quite difficult to describe something you have never seen and write about things you have never known. The same with you: obviously you have many friends and acquaintances in Japan, but imagining such relations and all actions, feelings, thoughts of you is almost impossible for me. So I will take my fantasy. It is interesting to create an alternative reality or a person (you are one who is worth it — to be described), but it's complicated: I am not skilled here either and, as you know, have tiny experiences in life.

One guy from Ghana (he has been writing to me from time to time throughout the last year) wrote to me in PenPals and this time I gave him my Whatsapp. He calls himself Sculptor and an Artist. Indeed, he makes Ghanaian coffins. An amazing thing: he uses only an ax for his works to create coffins in the forms of birds, fishes, people, the Bible, cars, dragons, and so on. Usually, he uses the soft wood of wawa (in Ghanaian obeche), but for foreign customers (museums of USA collect such coffins as examples of African arts) he uses cedar due to wawa tends to rot. I used to see this kind of wood in my work. Also, I made my account on Safebook, I can see your photo here :) near mine and added him to friends..then his daughter, many friends sent me his friend invitations. Now I have many Ghanaians as friends. They have a simple life. The sculptor is simple too. I like it. But I am not sure I am ready to spend much time having conversations with all of them. But luckily he is not one who likes to talk much. And all those people I accepted as friends have not written me a word yet except greetings from his daughter. Also, one guy wrote: "Good afternoon, ma!" I like that they all are believers. The belief makes people richer.

About Kaoru, I told you I blocked him because I liked him very much. He did not. He told me he loved my personality and I am his special person but he is not for romantic relationships. I preferred to close any talks here. He hurt me a little.
The message - 237-
10/06
And the other Japanese who loves "to walk together" with me virtually says he is falling in love. I told him I don't like him. I have an Arabe I like. He sent me his address, for I promised him to write a letter. As I figured out, he cannot speak English at all, uses Google translator. I don't see any reason to talk with him, but I will write him the letter in Japan, without giving him my back address, because this letter was my offer as a back request after he asked me for my address to send me a gift (what he was going to send me? :) I don't want any gifts from him really). I feel something like compassion for him.

Another young guy invites me to Spain for adultery. It is funny. He sent me a video that I almost hate. I cannot imagine you sending me something like that.

He thinks he is very sexy. He is handsome but not attractive to me. I don't block him because he doesn't touch or hurt my heart and I feel condolences to him. He also sent me his child and teen photos and was always ready to talk. Sometimes I need it. Also, we can speak openly about sex without being ashamed.
And other one young Arab was hypocritical. So I named him and all Arabs stupid, it was enough for he left me alone. STUPID is the most horrible word for an Arab given by a woman. Japanese people always agree and make jokes about that. But they hate when someone directly shows something they are not good at. They all are really cool. Most of all I like Japanese now..but I didn't find a fit one. I miss my Japanese Arab. Bye.