For Aamir

Well 3.41… :)
 
I want to say you a couple of things… can’t sleep anyways. First it's fast but normally I sleep very well, even more than usual cause I had lack of sleep while working. One can’t sleep in normal way at work you know.

So one thing still about my son and the other one about us but ‘a bit’ too strange, probably….

This ‘nest’ on my roof I love to sit in summer was Vova’s BD present for me on my BD three years ago… Last May he came right on my BD with other bikers… It was such a big surprise, REAL present for me, made me SOOOO happy!

He said he came just for weekends but then stayed for a whole week… as never before in all those years he left home for study. Then he came again and again in summer, for three or four times, I don’t even remember exactly.

And the last time he came in September-October (2 times) when I was at work for 21 days because of my colleague’s leave, so he came to stay with his grandmother.

We had a psychologist on my work to talk once in a while (usually two times in a year) about our children and some problems, even about our personal matters if we need.

So when those problems with Vova started I talked to her about him…. She didn’t help me much but at least she said it’s normal that boy should divide from mom and that it usually happens in teenager’s age. He was so good son… almost ideal… but it’s difficult for him to find match… ‘perfect match’ as it always was difficult to me. We require a lot… we very rarely meet ppl interesting to us. And especially it’s very difficult to find a good girl here… so I feel so sorry for him… I always pray a lot for my son.

I also have found one book which helped me to understand him better, helped to understand what is going on with a young man in this age, that he needs to divide of mom completely to develop his masculinity… sorry to say: in the way you were not able to because of this ‘Mother cult’ in your culture.

I want him be completely free, independent, want him be a man, so if even it’s not easy for me I can bear. It was VERY painful, almost killing in the beginning, when this connection between us was ‘cut’… I had to heal my wound. When I did I felt ok.

We used to be very close and open with each other, he could ask me anything and discuss with me everything… so once he asked about you: “why if he loved you he married someone else? What’s a nonsense?”  And I explain to him that me was absolutely unacceptable choice for his (yours) family because of many reasons, that Aamir was caring his mom…

And then he told: “If I love someone you know my decision, right?”…

Right I know, he is free to decide…

Don’t explain me about differences in our cultures, I understand this and understand you here very well but I love and value his freedom… same like my own. Freedom and this ‘being myself’ are probably the main things in my character.

The second part – about us…

Do you remember how we stop last time? “I’ll take you to court”… of course it was funny but in the same time I was really angry with you for your impudent behavior, the way you wanted to use me, my emotions, asking for picture and never do what I asked in so many years.

So being angry I was sitting in evening, very deeply in thoughts: “Why I need this person in my life? Who is he to me? What’s the hell is going on between us in the end?”

I knew you would come again and again as long as I answer you… so it was a kind of need to decide what to do… to understand your role in my life…

And in this moment, right in this deep meditation I started to read a piece from one book on inet. It was a love-story of a very famous Russian poet and a world famous dancer…

They had age difference in eighteen years… but still got married, even then, in last century.

Something in their relationship was so familiar… like he did very wrong things to her and she always forgave him… like he called her ‘bitch’ even in his poems… and in the same time was not able to live without her if even they parted.

He died very young, 29 years old… she died 2 years later in car’s accident, her scarf got into car’s wheel so she died of suffocation. And she was buried in Paris. That’s the story.

Somehow I was impressed that I read the story when I was thinking about you… so I decide to know when she was born… and came to know her BD was 26 or 27th May (they still can’t decide).

Then I came to know she died and was buried in Paris in THE SAME AGE and THE SAME TIME I came to Paris…. I mean EXACTLY the same age cause we're born on the same date.

I came there 21st of September and she died in Nice 14th of September, then she was cremated, brought to Paris and buried there, so it all happened around same days of September as I came.

You asked if I write something now… yes, I wanna write the story about my visit to Paris. But it’s not easy… I have to understand something first. You know I was so happy while preparing to Dubai…. But to preparing to Paris I was even happier! It was so strange to me even then. I bought some things like boots, jacket, trousers… just to visit Paris as if it had some special meaning to me… as if I was preparing for love-date.

And other strange thing: I lost my voice in airplane and it was something with my throat all ours days in Paris. My voice was ok only when I came back to home.

And the date of her death, 14th of September, is the same date we come to know each other… And my novel about you starts from… cemetery! I wrote it but I didn’t know myself WHY it wanted to start in such unusual place?

And another thing: my niece Kate (you still keep as friend in your second fb profile) is very similar to the dancer by face.

She used to dance barefoot… He used to love to watch her dances… her feet… you're crazy about mine...

So many ‘random coincidences’, don’t you think so?

If even you don’t think so… still I got an answer for my question.
 
It's useless to try to cut connection which even death wasn’t able to cut…

20:50 Aamir: Beautiful.