Right to Err

It was getting dark. Natalie settled on a pillow on the balcony, wrapped in a blanket. It was time for a diary and a conversation with own soul.

“Incredible pain, but I have to endure, nothing to do. This is the way and the image by which the Lord teaches patience and humbles. Of course, pain is very difficult to endure, then you can think of nothing else but pain.

It's hard to keep myself from thinking: well, what next? How to live with it? Nevertheless,Lord cares about everyone, and about me, too.

As about you... I decided not to give up on you. I asked again as in the very beginning: "My Lord, let me love him as You love."

Yesterday I wrote to Lyuba, it seemed, such a sincere letter, and in response received a rebuff - with irritation and assessments. Nothing changed. It would be fine for me if not a pity for her.

I, too, have neither complete peace in my soul, nor such grace of God to pacify other souls. And in the morning, when I answered, I was in the same non-peaceful spirit as she was.

And I need to acquire peace... After all, what is humility? People often do not understand what is behind the word. Humility is not self-humiliation: "Oh, I am so-and-so, sinful, unworthy!" Humility is the preservation of peace in a soul, despite external circumstances and internal sorrows.

As the akathist of thanksgiving says: “All around there is bad weather and darkness, horror and howling of the wind. And in the soul there is silence and light, there is warmth and peace, there is Christ!"

Of course, not immediately after the shock can a soul come to its senses, for some time one will suffer... sometimes one will smuggle... But when peace is established again, it means that I resigned myself, the temptation was overtaken, the exam was passed. The Universe sends something unusual and pleasant as an encouragement, and the soul moves to a new level... to the next test.

I understand that Amir was also offended at me when I "attacked" him. Perhaps Lyuba also believes that everyone is to blame for her grief. I feel that everything in me annoys her and that she hates me, and somewhere, perhaps, envies me.

And nothing much can be done about it. Prayed that Lord would calm her soul.

True, there is no need to go to anyone.

Know yourself and it will be enough for you.

But after all, I did not go to Amir - something itself was sent, and he reacted (I also did not expect that he would react so immediately, especially since the message was deleted). Oh Lord!

“Don't push him. This is a special man I sent you. Trust Me," was said quietly inside.

Natalie sat for a few seconds, frozen, without words or thoughts. Then she bent over the notebook again:

“Yesterday Lord said that Amir should be given the right to make mistakes, and I should refrain from the carnal mind (as it usually happens "according to statistics”). And just to love him, expecting nothing in return.

In fact, it was a good school of patience and unconditional love. A good lesson to understand that we love a human soul, not a body, and for such love it is not necessary to be physically next all the time.

And the second (from thoughts) that I had a chance to understand and feel through experience that love is very humble, ready to bear everything... and humility (and forgiveness, understanding, not remembering sins and mistakes) is impossible without love.

In fact, we call ONE in different words: love and humility. Love contains humility within and is protected by it, and true humility attracts even more love. This is how it works. And if the appropriate circumstances did not come, I would not know that.

To tell the truth, now I do not think about Adnan at all, but I have been waiting for this disgusting Amir whole day. Yes, the "boy" is still strong!

We haven't spoken for over a week.

Why did you stop?

Lost of the interest? Had a fight with her? Or did you just miss that "I love you" that I haven't told you for ages?

Anyway, you've become a little softer lately... but now it doesn't matter. Only it hurts that everything was in vain, and we will never, never, never meet, I will never take your hand, never look into your eyes, never kiss your lips... And we will never have our baby."

Natalie sighed, wiped away the tears that had come to her eyes - she really wanted a child, because of this she let a man into her life again...

For several minutes she sat motionless, listening to the sounds of the garden and to her thoughts. Inside, everything calmed down. The tears have dried up.

She continued to write:

“I'm not jealous now. Everything is somehow different this time. Maybe you left for good. Let's see.

I again could not cope with myself... Something comes over me, like attacks me from time to time. Either from the outside, or the dark part of my own being. I haven't figured it out yet.

But as a result, the thought came: “Forgive him, as God forgives you. You, too, have promised so many times - and could never fulfill".

One cannot learn to love in theory, so Lord sent me the practice, where I had to endure a lot.

Mom correctly understands that health was mainly destroyed by sufferings... and sins that only I and God knows about.

Thank God for everything!
Lord, keep us all with Your grace".