People, their problems and values

OMG....
Sometimes some of us put our feet into it without even noticing simply because of us being subjective, selfish and predictable.


I keep reading weird posts about people who feel sad, lost or miserable in their lives and the reasons why they feel this way.

It seems to me that my vision of humanity is quite different from the vision of humanity some people of my age have.

You may at times come across me depicting different states which are labelled as 'borderline' and 'uncomfortable' but these states are quite difficult to explain.

Our level of freedom is in a way defined by our weaknesses and not only strengths.

For years I've been trying to position myself as a good person, mostly decent and kind but as I go deeper and deeper into the topic of nonconventional spirituality, I just start visualizing the moral abyss between me and the other 'regular' people around me.

By some weird coincidence, my psyche finds states of honesty, trust, tenderness and kindness to be 'dangerous', 'threatening' and 'unstable'. It simply shows me a red flag once I get close to someone.

I screw up friendships on a regular basis and then I have to do  a great deal of work, sometimes senseless, pointless and meaningless but complicated and refined work just to feel safe and confident around the other people.

I can perfectly figure out what I want to do in my life this year, next year, 10 or 20 years after, I am quite a hard-working person who's able to set goals and be a leader when it comes to high performance and efficiency, relative technical flawlessness of all things work and creativity but I still suck at finding out who I can trust and who I should stay away from, It takes me lots of time to understand the unwritten rules of some microsocial groups I tend to join while I socialize.

Finally, I only get truly  emotionally attached to people whose success is about 1000, 100 000 times bigger and more remarkable than mine is. I get literally addicted to these people even if I barely know them or don't know them at all.
If I see someone succeed, I do my best to find out how they do it and why, and this 'transparent, self-conscious envy' as a driver gets me even more motivated so I push myself to the edge in each activity I consider to be inspiring, exciting or plain fun or useful. I don't think they are better than I am. They are nice. I'm OK but I can always do better, life is a sort of a huge rat race with lots of chances, prizes and winners...

Perfectionism, high standards for work and creativity, then a dull emotional life with lots of traumatizing moments simply wiped away from my memory, and I simply forget my moments of pain and sadness. My mind is blank years after, which I find quite productive. If some memory is painful, I just don't find it in place next time.

It seems like I've got an algorithm in my brain that ignores most emotional signals, blocking them out for months and years, leaving my childhood and adolescence memories blank apart from contests, studies, compulsive, fast and productive reading, all these 'decent' forms of socially acknowledged addiction...

However, I know work addiction/evaluation addiction/relationship addiction are still sorts of addiction that people tend to have. Most of us could have been even more effective if we lost our stereotypes and emotional bonds.

If I have some kind of a vision of moral perfection, it is something like being perfectly unattached to all things in life - even success, even property, even talent and knowledge, being free as wind and waves, self-reliant as cold and hard mountains.

All in all, I would like to transcend all the cognitive bias mistakes and emotional/perceptive limitations that I have as human being... And stop being human...This means lots of attention towards details, a greal deal of willpower, a bit of creativity and some luck.

I can't take you on this journey to complete self-control with me just because I value your freedom and the right to choose whether you make your first steps or not.

In fact, there's no such thing as the right path to inner peace and self-control.
There's no vision of a 'perfect life quality you get after you've accomplished this goal'. Self-control is only one sort of highly resourceful, productive and vibrational states, but in a way it's one of the elements of enlightenment. You are more likely to enjoy the fruits of your enlightenment if you have mastered most of your emotions and you have a great composure, but I suppose there might be even more powerful 'regimes' or our existence which are not yet defined and discovered completely.

Strangely enough, it's much easier for me to trust Life as a path and a flow of events than to trust particular people.

Still lots of things have to be figured out here, I suppose.