The chunk 77 The message -511-

04/17/2020
An exhausting two weeks turned into incessant boredom. Most of the narrow-minded, in the opinion of Ahmed, colleagues at the university, perceived his return as a patriotic gesture, courageous and selfless: returning to his homeland at the difficult for the country moment of the pandemic. Such wretched and perverse public opinion infuriated Ahmed terribly. He was also annoyed that he was often called "humble." He was simply well-mannered and behaved, unaccustomed for aborigines, in Japanese manner with restraint, which many in his "wild" country perceived as a sign of shyness or even diffidence. Ahmed quickly got tired of the uninteresting surroundings. Ahmed lost interest in everything external and more and more often returned his thoughts to his past, experienced in Algeria and Japan. The memories fascinated him.
04/20/2020
Once, at night, he again received a lot of messages from that woman from Russia, but this time from her came one long text out of a hundred short messages. The Telegram split the text into fifteen or twenty fragments, and Ahmed's smartphone trembled nervously, choking with the incessant sound of Telegram notifications.
Ahmed logged into his account, turned off notifications about Olga's messages in order to forget about her forever.
Then he went to the veranda of the house, where he recently kept a randomly purchased pet, a nightingale. He named him Peppino. The Italian performer of the Neapolitan chanson Peppino Lagyardi, Ahmed loved to listen to since the times of his studying in Japan. This gray nondescript winged miracle with an honest and pure voice reminded Ahmed of that singer. Spring was in full swing and Peppino often delighted Ahmed's ears with wonderful long trills...in the language of love.

The message  100
First my thirty messages I lost in your black hole, so I'll take them from my memory only. And all the rest I want to summarize.
The message  101
Hello Ahmed!  You will be my personal black hole due to your refusing to communicate with me.  I will send you 1000 short messages and then disappear.
The message  102
As if I am thinking about you as a black hole in far far, I want to research you because I need to be sure you are worthy of I am interested in you.
The message  103
I am sorry,  Ahmed..when I was looking at your email on the internet,  I casually had found your CV. That's why I send you the link on my account in VK: *** /++++
The message  104
My imagination about you gives birth to many other thoughts and associations which occur immediately simultaneously in my head and in my heart. I want to tell you them all.
The message  105
Arabic
In one of Tyumen Universities I had a happy chance to learn languages. Those language courses I attended with my daughter for free.  One year I had lessons in Chinese. There was me and Vera in the class. Daughter that year missed.
The message  106
Vera organized the University meetings for foreign students who wanted to improve their pronunciation in Russian with speech therapy teachers.
The message  107
We met two guys in the room where we had the Chinese lesson.  One of them was Arab and offered us to learn Arabic.
The message  108
Evgeniy,  head of department, warned us of danger of terrorism when guys went out.  He said lessons in Arabic must be asked for his permission.
The message  109
I described our lesson with logopaedist and her students, and foreign students. I was fascinated with her.
The message  110
Good morning,  God!  I told you about Alexander Green's "Scarlet sails".  Gold fairy tale.
I said Ahmed is a beautiful name. All Ahmed's I ever knew were jovial and intelligent. I said I wish you would smile happily.
The message  111
I returned to my usual state after a mind bending performance of the logopaedist and made an acquaintance with a guy who agreed to learn Arabic.
The message  112
That guy was Arab too. I was in an awkward situation because I felt embarrassed to have lessons tet-a-tet.
The message  113
We three got Evgeniy' permission for Arabic classes. I had two Arabic teachers from Yemen.
The message  114
We started our learning process with the alphabet and pronunciation of Arabic sounds. I was a good parrot.
The message  115
I did not love learning speaking Arabic,  prefered foskha. Ammar did not help me with it. Probably he was not skilled in it and was not able to confess me. He sincerely tried to teach me properly.
The message  116
Abdu. Big and handsome if hide his nose. Cannot imagine why he agreed. I was more afraid of him.
The message  117
Once I had a big conversation with Ammar about his Arabic life, about his family and daily life.  I hardly cope with myself to ask what they are wearing instead of underpants. Later I had found on the internet,  one adult Arab complained he had involuntary urination and it was not comfortable for him to do hajj not wearing underpants, but...prohibition was strict.
The message  118
19 February I discovered I am a bit Buddhist. I was kidding of course. But I did always have the sense,  the readiness to rapid death: I lost all my close relatives before I was 25. I was pregnant when I lost my major brother.
The message  119
I had read an african proverb: if it becomes easier, it means you go down.
The message  120
I had written: "I can stop thinking about something, I know, I shouldn't: I say to myself: 'Here you must stop. Stop.' It works." Now I have an easier way to get rid of it: to write here.
The message  121
Abdu told loudly and irritatedly that I made an error and made a move as if he attempted to hit me with his hand. It lasted two seconds, then he fell down his eyes back to his phone. I am not saying that he probably got used to beating his sisters, women, but obviously he tends to be rude with women and it is not because he hates them, no, it is simply normal to him.
It is still not normal for me.
The message  122
I watched a movie in Japanese without subtitles, the name "Kiseki" = Wonder, launched in 2011, for kids.
The message  123
I had imagined that professor Shikio Nayashi behaved inappropriately.
The message  124
I made a research on you on Safebook. Found your several alleged relatives.
The message  125
Your allegedly uncle has unusual for Russian mind photos.
The message  126
You were scared and have hidden all your friends on Safebook.
The message  127
I told you a couple of peace words.
The message  128
I found the Shikio Nayashi method interesting.
The message  129
I read and tried to translate his work in Russian. But there's many customers,  and then I lost my desire in it.
The message  130
I said he is Muslim. I sent my first photo to your darkness.
The message  131
I confessed: " Excuse me, Ahmed. I keep some of your photos on my PC." I claimed that appearance IS important. I  offered a short description of your look,  as I saw it.
The message  132
;;;;; ;;;;
I made all the possible versions of ***ri’s relation to women (I guessed at minimum two possibilities) and reasons for his likely modest self-esteem.
The message  133
Something about exploratory data analysis for
Nayashi's quantification method ill by graphics
The message  134
I always tried to jump higher than I could. I have not any knowledge and base for taking a grasp in things that require deep studying. The same in English: I know I should read more a Grammar books, study rules in order to improve my level of it, however I prefer using it intuitively.
I complained I am an Idiot.
The message  135
I assume you feel yourself an alien between Japanese's and are not quite Algerian now. I was wrong.
The message  136
I made a description of our previous correspondence in an email. The main question was "WHY? ".
I decided to live/dress/speak/sleep/eat/breathe/so on only for your sake. Because I wanted a big wonder!.
The message  137
Arabic
Abdu told me he wanted me to be his russian old wife due to him going to stay living in Russia. I met many such stupid offers later in PenPals.
The message  138
I attended lecturers in Chinese, Hebrew languages, Mesopotamian cuneiform writing, History of religions, Arabic, Theory of interpersonal communication in the East in Free Orient School.
The message  139
I met Ahmed from Egypt,  a very decent guy. I was glad I had known him. The best teacher.
The message  140
Mistakenly I visited the page of the Transatlantic hotel in Casablanca and my first wish was to visit it.
The message  141
I had a dream to sail on a sailing vessel named "Kruzenshtern".
The message  142
It was 53 years old Egyptian Ibrahim from Aleksandria, divorced with two small kids looking for a Russian wife. My other good teacher.
The message  143
One kind of trip attracts me: to a forest, to mountains, to a lake or a sea with a backpack, to go hiking on my legs.
The message  144
Again Ahmed and Ibrahim...
The message  145
Arabic, that I studied so hard, I forgot immediately. What a pity!
The message  146
I summarized: "I've never met Ahmed, but among all the Arabian people who I communicated with, his person is I know better then others despite he did not write me more than four short messages in last year." I was wrong again.
The message  147
I made assumptions. Ambitions encourage you. Teaching inspires you. I suppose that you are wide, deep educated, so have another mind.
The message  148
He is crazy, that’s what I am sure. And why I am sure his “love” is just selfish pathology is the other deal.
The message  149
Yоu stay in the edge оf Gaussian distributiоn оf all Algerians and peоple in the entire world in many many spectres.
The message  150
Scientist, he never asks, he takes from Nature its mysteries if she doesn't mind. He just should love her for her only sake. Thus she'll open him a tiny truth about her.
The message  151
Imagine a Big Bang, Ahmed!
Each person is a small big bang.
The message  152
Imagine that each man, animal, thing in the world has such a trace, a big chaotic form of the worm, more similar with three that akin to a fractal structure.
The message  153
Bear fat and Mebius leaf.
"..you know..row fish, you never tasted nothing better, withe mushrooms, bear fat, you know.."
The worst is I feel I made a cycle, not the first in my life, a spiral cycle. I wish I could break the way to start something new.
The message  154
**You sent me back my stickers casually **
You made a type of a reflux or belch twice as a back at my influence.
The message  155
I firstly mentioned Kaoru, he offered me to meet more often with people.
But I made many photos of garbage litters,  77 in all.
You ignored almost all those photos.
The message  156
I feel an abhorrence of snobs.
The message  157
What a beautiful clever sport you are fond of! It is an Art.
The message  158
I saw that art object created by your friend.
The message  159
**Why did you make stickers using my photos? **
**Could you please delete them? **
**I don't like the idea. **
I am glad you are able to say your hard NO. I did it. But why not?
**No,  I don't like that you use my photos to make stickers.** **Please,  stop doing that**
Translated too directly in Russian from Arabic they seem mysterious, fairy, poetic.
The message  160
Funny. I apologize in case I took you damage. I did not want to insult you.
— Can I make a black hole of you at the stickers using the outlines of your figure?
— NO.
— Oh, Allah! Okay. I hear and obey!
**Good... we can still remain friends.**
**I like you**
**Please,  delete these images**
**Thank you**
The message  161
**Come on**
**We are still friends**
**I just didn't want to see my photo stickers**
**ha ha**
Oh, friends!? I am startled by the strange notion about friendship you have, Ahmed! You are crazy.
The message  162
Hello Ahmed! How are you? Have you ever cried, Ahmed? What makes people cry? Why could you cry? What do you think if your woman cries sometimes?

Why are you a provider/connector (is it a fit word)? I had written it in the minute I was very angry at you and at myself. I dislike that you are so cowardly and depending on people's opinions.
The message  163
My father was a communist, a party employee of high rank, so maybe that's why I have a book in my library named “Atheist's Handbook”.
The message  164
The book is really good. There’s not any antireligious propaganda into it, just facts short and succinct.
As one of the authors of the book the first  was written by professor Anisimov. It turned out right recently, my sense of reality and my vision of morality matches with his ideas.
The message  165
This prerogative of moral conscience is a result of all cosmic and social evolution. (This last stroke I like most of all :) the rest.)
Are you sure you've been earlier until I met you? I am your God and Maker, Ahmed.
The message  166
It is disgusting to feel I was limited by someone's will. I was formed in the image and likeness of what?...an average sovjet ideal of human?...a person-who-don't-cause-problems? What was the aim they steered to? Equidistributions/perequation of knowledge among the mass of citizens leads to lowering of conflicts in a society?
The message  167
Hello Ahmed! My mood today. I didn't have time for writing to you. I miss you a bit.
It's the first time I said I miss you.
**Hello**
The message  168
You and each other person of your country has other kinds of garbage for being partly placed in his head. My japanese has the similar background for things in his head as each his countryman. We call it culture, but it is just garbage that can complicate the life of each human.
The message  169
Do you know that Berbers are our far relatives and we, Russians, have with Berbers common ancestors? At least there are in Russia people who develop the idea. They talk about Amazahs in Morocco.
The message  170
**Yes,  I'm berber...Exactly, chaoui**
**Living in the east of Algeria**
**Do you love your husband?**
Why did you decide to answer me?
Do you always ask such difficult questions?
**Yes**
**I divorced twice**
**That's why**
What do you FEEL about your marriages?
**They were a big mistake**
Are they married now?
**Not married yet**
Did you give them your permission to have a new marriage?

How can I ignore such moments? Yes, I don't love him, never loved, I think. I appreciate his feeling, his kind heart, his thoughts for me, his adoring me. If he wouldn't have done such tiny actions I would never have been living with him for such a long time.
He has many things I don't like in him. Also he MAKES many things I love. Such as I told you. How can I refuse that beauty? What ought I do, Ahmed?

I doubt that a love, a love personally for me, exists.
What means "to love" for you, Ahmed? Maybe I didn't understand you?
The message  171
Then our culture stratifies itself. As petroleum.
The message  172
But it means, I have to admit, my brain decided your images are attractive physically for me.
The message  173
I tend to consider that as if you have money (because marriage is an expensive deal in Algeria), you as a man have more rights in your country and in your religion, so you have to have more responsibility in marriage. And it was just your caprice to get married to them and then to give them to go.
The message  174
My mother hugged me and said: “Everything will be fine.”
My aunt hugged me so tight that it was painful and said: “Everything will be fine!”. I laughed bitterly, breaking away from her embrace: “Yes, I know!”
The message  175
**You do sambo?**
No,  box,  for all insulted women.
**I love boxing**
**And**
**I respect women**
__Are you sure, Ahmed?__
**Hahaha**
**Can you send me those photos? **
**Haha**
**I quite love them**
**Please**
Okay,  today's a day of a pretty farce.
**Haha Ohh Thank you very much**
**Do you have kids with your partner?**
Daughter
**By the way,  you can use my photos as stickers**
**I found them really funny**
**Haha**
Why did you change your mood,  Ahmed?
**Because.. I trust you more now.. You scared me at first..You did a huge research on me..I found it strange**
I deleted all those photos,  could you send me 10-15 others?
**Good morning.. I just woke up..Well,  I'll send you some soon.**
The message  176
You’ve deeply touched me at last. I saw you in my dream today twice, and saw it for the first time.
The message  177
He jealous me even of my Japanese. I didn’t tell to my “partner” about Ahmed ***ouri. Only my daughter knows I write letters to a guy that ignores me for three months. She said I have nothing to do or crazy. Maybe Alzheimer illness begins. “You’d better continue learning Chinese!”, — was her advice, — "as a preventive measure".
The message  178
Have you heard about Artem Oganov, a materials scientist?
The message  179
When my daughter was about 3 years old we went to Yekaterinburg zoo. I have read about Algerians on the internet. It formed my comprehension about them, maybe wrong. Most of them seem to be similar to that hippopotamus.
The message  180
You know, professor Todoroki is a quite pleasant person. He keeps the photos on the internet.
I like her.
The message  181
**Olga.. Why are you so involved with my private life? If you think my ex-wife is kind and beautiful**
**This means I am a bad person**
**In this case, why are you keeping in touch with me?**
Why so primitive are your conclusions?
The message  182
Even one second of death can seem as a thousand years of hellish torments or happiest paradise.
The message  183
Death is a very interesting thing.
We live, move, act, behave in the current moment. All the fabric of society is being changed and changing, kills and borns.
The message  184
Reality, as I said, is what we are believing in.  Our belief becomes complicated -- our reality seems more wide and different. So a man is what he believes in because he himself is a part of his reality.
The message  185
you are kind of a crystallization of my vision about what a NORMAL man should be like. At least that image I created in my head.
to grab you as the tree, for to have had a sense, a firmness: I want living, I want to want, I want believing, I want thinking, I want to love. And let you be made of wooden or you are a black hole, it doesn't matter.  Sometimes you seem like a fool.
The message  186
Sometimes it seems that you want to look like you are simple or a fool, or friendly, so on. For example you used an active listening, when a listener repeats the last phrase after a speaker rephrasing it as a question: **Am I a fool?  Do you think so? **
The message  187
It's time to be more clear. I don't want to steal your time. I don't want to waste my time. I also have other aims in visiting your space.
The message  188
Ahmed, I wish you were a bit more "idiot", much more genuine human.
So now I have two major interlocutors: you and my Japanese. He always says he is looking for a fit partner, a soul mate. He seems more real as you, Ahmed, in spite of I know YOU ARE real and he MIGHT be a scammer.
What is interesting, you both have relation to idiots. For both of you this word is remarkable.
It just will happen without regard to my plans. This is a rule of the Universe.
The message  189
Ahmed and Kaoru are angels, princes compared to the men I see every day. But which are both my princess in reality? I came to the same wall with a huge red transparent on it: "__I want to be sure that there exists a normal man in the world__".
The message  190
We both have remained  prisoners of the circumstances all those years we are  together. Still boring. Almost enemies. Helping and comforting one another.
**How are you Olga?  I've a question to ask**
The message  191
You're only young once. You have all the best chances.
I've caught you as a mouse. You are childish. Am I wrong?
Did you have such a performance twice?
The message  192
We had two loud things in our home that our neighbors could hear: me and our clock in the holl.
The message  193
Song about loneliness.
The message  194
Are your former marriages and your ex-wives really in the past? Was it a grammar mistake or hidden thoughts?
You are a big kid now. Am I wrong?
The message  195
And so, I tell you,  I miss you. I miss a normal man with all his merits and demerits. I always tell it to you sincerely.
It was several years ago:...I have found his email, too. One other normal man. But,  imagine,  I will write him on Safebook or in an email such letters like I write to you: he would hire a killer for me.
The message  196
__I want to get rid of them.__ ..one other explanation of why I am "so involved with Ahmed's private life". I have three once.
The message  197
Garbage that I wanted to throw from my head off.
The message  198
About deceptive people and a trust.
The message  199
I cannot trust even the man I have been living 21years together.