The chunk 120 The message -580-

Он чувствовал себя теперь одиноко, но гораздо свободнее и счастливее в своей независимости от жены, от денег и от людских пересудов.
Когда они познакомились с бывшей женой, он был старше ее на 15 лет и она была его студенткой-магистрантом.”
Жена не препятствовала ему заниматься Айкидо. Ахмед работал по контрактам и были периоды когда они по обмену переезжали в Алжир и работали в местных университетах. И, когда они приезжали в Алжир, в свободное от работы и домашних дел время он обучал боевым искусствам других мужчин, имеющих время разнообразить свой досуг.
Теперь, когда он стал одинок, давнее хобби помогало ему выжить среди агрессивных женщин и мужчин. Он и сам был не менее напористым и хищным.
Он мечтал о красивой, сексуальной женщине, но не алжирке: он находил многих из них неженственными. Нежные образы японок привлекали его, но их рыбьи тела не возбуждали его воображение. Ему нравились дородные и горячие мексиканские девчонки с упругими формами и острым в прямом и переносном смысле язычком.
Определенно, он согласился бы на эмиграцию в Японию, откуда весь мир открыт, но его держала семья: от его поступков и решений зависят работа, благополучие и даже судьба всей его многочисленной семьи. Братья, сестры, их мужья и жены, их дети и внуки, его собственные дети попали бы под удар такого поступка. Это убивало его.


The message - 294-
Hello, Ahmed.
 
— The day before yesterday you gave me a promise..
— I remember..it was no more than a gesture. Sometimes I need, like, to turn the page when I feel I start anew, and something I left in the past..something that is not important now. Such moments, I think, require a symbol, a decoration and our actions could sometimes express our feelings more brightly than words.
— What has changed in your life?
— Objectively nothing. My daughter didn't enter a university and this another year will be the same as all the last conversations about her preparation and about her doubts and hopes.. My husband, the former partner, still is staying with us in my flat and almost every day says he is going to change his location..but probably he has some difficulties here. Honestly, I wonder if he stays home: he has not once told me he thinks I have a lover. If he had a lover, I would never stay with him for so long… I would go away as soon as possible. My work is the same: I have a good income but I want more and I am uncertain in the future if I change the work, so I don't see any need to change it. I have to learn, I have to move myself in another direction. I cannot change yet...
— It's funny..You are 46 years old and still know nothing about yourself, cannot even find a place in life..have not a man..have not a stability..
— Yes, I am stupid, I admit it. I am an idiot. All my actions seem idiotic. I am like a butterfly flown in a room: making many rounds in the space looking for an entry and having a hope but not a plan.
— Why didn't you plan your life?
— I think that life shows and has shown many times our, no, my plans are never possible. My lists were never true.
— I noticed your requests to "God" and your hopes firstly don't depend on you but on the people surrounding you and, secondly, you are not consistent and persistent in achieving your plans.
— When I plan, I focus on the process of not being involved in the life process. I was to make a fractal-like plan, very difficult, to consider all possibilities in life...but I already have made sure I almost always miss something, hardly ever guess or provide something...I wanted to say I feel the truth but I don't trust my feelings...
— ...so you always deceive yourself.
— Yes. Always.
— You are a stupid dreamer...your emptiness and darkness is bigger than all caves in the world!
— My darkness is full of the fine things I want to believe in...
— So, why did you delete all the messages if nothing had changed in your life?
— Started a new leaf of my life. It will be another life I HOPE. I will try to make a wide plan for the nearest free days. I must stop being a stupid dreamer.
— You are not stupid, Olga.
— I know..I always says everybody they are stupid in order to test them. Some people are very snobbish about this issue..they feel offended when a person like me, speaking in invalid English, calls them a fool. I think we, people, are so weak mentally, all the best of us, that the difference is not significant. People shouldn't humiliate each other because of the tiny differences
—...again the dreams...are you going to become ripe and mature?
— I  don't know how to start...

The message - 295-
Hello, Ahmed.
— How are you today?
__  I miss him.
— Really? You deleted all his photographs on your PC, having only one as a  background of the working PC.
— I still like him. I can't say that he is a man who is a million miles beyond me and who lives in the stars. However I feel he is unattainable for me because he was generously gifted by god, because he is indifferent, because he is an Arab and strict Muslim, because he lives so far, so on... I try to find something that repels me from him. For example, he is vain, that I don't love. This quality of his makes him too earthy for me. He is not a noble prince from a fairy tale. All he says and shows on his Safebook pages seem deceptive because it was too deliberately.
— Are you sure?
— Nope..and I cannot visit his Safebook page where he probably still remains active. I can't because I always felt bitter looking his attention to other people
— Forget him.
— I doubt I want to. I am glad to have such an obsession. I need him.
— You need a man who loves you and whom you love...let you look for such one in Yutmen...you have many customers, fine men sometimes come. Do you remember that gaz-oil engineer with white hair? He is handsome and seems reliable. He will visit you in the week for the next order..?
— ...yes, he was fine..his son also was my customer..I think he is a cool man if he has such a son...but...I'll think about it much later...I want to miss only my sweet Berber Ahmed.

59
03/09
i am almost 57years old soon.
why are you not married?,my friend often questions to me.
i was failure married before,i need careful mariage next time,i answer to my friend.
usually many conditions clear need.
of course very important things respect and good personality and trust.
i don't have border wall.
it will be somday.
i believe anyone can be happy.
i hope exchange message and photo and video,
i would be happy if it would be plus to you.
have a wonderful weekend.
from japan.
for you.
my short poem