The chunk 138 The message -598-
The message -373-
Hello, Ahmed.
7/11/2020
Every small deviation of my body from the normal usual state I consider as a potential treatment to my life that could lead me to letal. But what is my normal state I got used to? All the time, continuously I have not small but tiny pains in different parts of my body. The pains are so small that they are almost not noticeable. It means that I'll die from one of the small processes destroying my body tissues, and, obviously, rising bit by bit in them. Similarly with it I have small pains in my heart that day by day kill my feelings making me hardened. These small changes make hardly seen shifts in my cerebral cortex as water is blurring a stone in the earth crust. The time will have been wasted until I would realize that the change that was done, is the frittered time, the time when I could help myself against the disaster, preventing it by some measures.
I always ignore these tiny pains both in my body and in my soul and heart. I am afraid I am so gross to notice such small fragile processes in myself that I want to cry when I realize it. I have so many pains in summary that I don't know which one to prefer as one worthy of my attention. I always think, "I'll die earlier then it will be getting dangerous or degrade my life's quality.
Due to my superficiality I miss many things and my super-sensibility is the reason for this. I almost always have a wrong position of view. I cannot fly high or dive deep, unfortunately.
My English teacher. How lucky I am to find good people! I always meet quite cool personalities. He is simple. But he is so bright, jovial, optimistic and kind! And terrific handsome when he smiles. He has chosen a nickname Oasis. He is really a nature source of which I want to drink and drink.
Aikido. I decided at last I will never go to such training. I can't allow someone to touch my hands or neck, or other parts of my body. I feel a thouchement is a very sacred, intimate thing. I’ve never allowed anyone to touch me except some of my relatives, husband and rarely a doctor. I always feel startled if my friend tries to touch my shoulder or hand despite all my friends are women. I don't want my body to get defiled by anybody's hands. I don't even want to try to conquer my disgust. I am untouchable.
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