The chunk 212 The message -963-

30/April/2021 Algeria, Tizi Ouzou

Старушка читала детям Коран:
– 101. “My Lord, You have given me some authority and taught me some interpretation of events. Initiator of the heavens and the earth; You are my Protector in this life and in the Hereafter. Receive my soul in submission, and unite me with the righteous.”
Из соседней комнаты слышны были обрывки разговора. То Ахмед, то госпожа Титоуна громко беседовали с кем-то:
– … благодаря чему соседние семьи объединились в одну более крупную…что интересно, вожаком стал волк, недавно возвращенный из Японии…
– 102. “This is news from the past that We reveal to you. You were not present with them when they plotted and agreed on a plan.”...
– …да, план сработал. Обошлось, правда. не без курьезов: некоторые фермеры, рассчитывая обманом получить выплаты за убитых волками животных, имитировали нападения волков. Но такой обман легко открыть, так как у волков особый режущий укус, ни с чем не спутать и не подделать…
– …109. “We did not send before you except men, whom We inspired, from the people of the towns. Have they not roamed the earth and seen the consequences for those before them? The Home of the Hereafter is better for those who are righteous. Do you not understand?”
– …да, проводим обязательные лекции и инструктирование фермеров…
– 110. “Until, when the messengers have despaired and thought that they were rejected, Our help came to them. We save whomever We will, and Our severity is not averted from the guilty people.”...
– …да, ежегодно… да, школьную программу расширяем обязательным ликбезом в областях… волчью тему… локально… мифологии… научные изыскания….
– 111. “In their stories is a lesson for those who possess intelligence. This is not a fabricated tale, but a confirmation of what came before it, and a detailed explanation of all things, and guidance, and mercy for people who believe.”


The message -522-
21/April/2021 Russia
Hello, Ahmed.
Sunday is always a free day in Russia.
I would like to go to the sea.
Let us sit at this big boulder, whose form was polished by waters throughout thousands of years.
Let me hug your waist... My breast touches your chest, I feel the quiet and indifferent beating of your heart, softness, and warmth of your body. Let us be here for a while. Can I kiss your prickly cheek once, very innocent? I would like to feel your scent. What is it like?
I work today. Now I am on my way to the office, on a bus. Have a nice day, my black cruel pod.


The message -523-
22/April/2021 Russia
Hello, Ahmed.
Ahmed, you are so talented in your ability to find and see beauty in things, I should admit. That portrait of the wolf, I keep it as a background of the screen of my tablet. Thanks for the photograph. Interesting, where do you find all those pictures? And many photographs that you used on your SB account, were beautiful and "tasty". I appreciate this feature of your, black prince!
I have all your videos from your SB on my tablet that was made till the end of March, even those that you deleted later or hid. I wondered if you have begun to perform by yourself. I hope you have found what you were looking for. You made your account interesting and rich by beauty and taste, and wisdom, I hope: I don't know French and Arabic for the reason to be satisfied from the videos: I understood nothing from them. Since the incident, I haven't watched even one photo or video of you, even on my tablet or phone. I don't want to remember you because it hurts.
But I need you. I need a perfect man. You are. The single thing that I don't like — I find in your appearance, you know what it is. I am very squeamish about warts. In all the rest, you are still very handsome despite your 50. I love your energy and meek patient temper. You tried to seem brutal, ....you are not, my sweet Ahmed :) I like you because of that. I love that you are sensitive. You know, you HAVE so many things in yourself I like in you, but I didn't find something to like in what you MAKE for me...because you made absolutely nothing FOR me, but all your acts were AGAINST me as if I am your enemy. This is because of your hostel expectations from the world in general and your a bit of a snobbish nature. So, the second thing I didn't accept in you is the fact you don't like me :)
I still cannot accept myself. I feel ugly. I work with my customers all the time wearing a mask due to the deep nasolabial folds, which I have lately become more noticeable. Other women do surgical or cosmetology procedures to hide their wrinkles, I didn't.
Of course, you can say that appearance isn't important, but my skills, so on...IS. In my work, IS. In modern life, that accepts only young, IS. I am a seller, a FACE of my company. In the case I lost my current job, I am not sure I can find another one with the same wage. Not because I became old, but, mostly, because my face (did you read the novel of Kobo Abe "The alien's face"?) ceased to be attractive or very attractive.
And in other areas, I am not competitive because I am not experienced. In design, for example. It's my education, but I am zero in that. To see beauty and to create and to sell beauty are different skills. I feel I have no future, I am out of dates. I don't know what to do...

The only consolation was YOU. But you have hidden yourself. You have denied me. You always ignored me. Even YOU were so cruel, crueler than life.
Why?

OK, I'm going to take shower. Tomorrow...oh, today, I have to go to work in five hours. Sweet dreams, Ahmed



The message -524-
23/April/2021 Russia
Hello, Ahmed.
I miss you, I miss your face and your voice, your manners of move and gesticulation. But I don't want to watch your videos.
But maybe this is a mistake. Because I like the sweet scent of my body, I like to move fast, I love to see its forms, I like my soft skin when I kiss my own shoulder. It is sweeter than candy. I like to touch myself, my stomach and neck, and my shoulders. I even like veins on my old hands that got thick with age, so I am wearing a volume ring in the image of a snake that fits a lot to my green veins.
I hate water and frost. But I love wind and sun, green and flowers.
Such life is a compromise of death and happy life.
I miss you but I don't want to see you.
I force myself to go to take shower. Have a nice evening, Ahmed.

The message -525-
24/April/2021 Russia
Hello Ahmed,
today morning he caught my arm when I went past him to the kitchen.
He looked at me with questioning eyes and uttered "You are still very thin."
I went to weigh myself "I am 49 kilograms. It's normal". He added, "You always have this weight".
I replied immediately and at once regretted the words: "When I just gave birth to our daughter, my weight was 52 kilo, but then we had nothing to eat and I lost my weight and looked like an anorexic girl with my 45 kilos. I lost milk in my breasts and the kid was starving too".
It wasn't his blame that we lived in that situation. He didn't have a job, or it was poorly paid. Often people deceived him for money. He did all he could to make ends meet. All the situation was only my caprice that I became pregnant. He wasn't cool, but he took the responsibility for me and our daughter.

The message -526-
25/April/2021 Russia
Hello, Ahmed.
Lately, I have been trying to read Pyatigorskiy's work about Buddhism. It's a very difficult read for me. I guess I understand nothing. I don't have the necessary base, again, for that, I can't grasp its specific language. But I persist in reading because he uses those philosophical categories building the tree of his thoughts from the beginning, from the roots. Wittgenstein did the same, all the great philosophers built their system from the simplest statements and axioms to the trees of ranting using their own conclusions and guesses about everything, highlighting a hypothetical essence of fabric of thoughts.
An average person in the modern world uses the logical apparatus, if one has it, based on what is uttered by others. Those statements of others were chosen often without proof, just because the statements were accepted by the majority of "wise" men. Even if you use the most logically and processually perfect instruments for making statements, you cannot help making mistakes if the base of it was wrong. Why does it happen? Because it is a very long way of thinking, to think from the very beginning. It requires too long preparation for the thought itself.
The shorter is to take ready axioms and "obvious" without any verifications, cooking your "philosophy" and "science".
Only those who were brave enough to see deeper really made a step to the truth.
I mean, I hate quotes and links to authorities. It is worth absolutely nothing without the context. Because each statement and point of view has an "area" where it is wrong and true, when I can believe it, and when I mustn't. Why do people always forget it? They are insane.

The message -527-
26/April/2021 Russia
Hello, Ahmed.
I again feel I've shrunk in a small dot. I almost disappeared from the world. It hurts. The world is so huge, wide, all-encompassing. All-encompassing world...a new word for me.  I always feel this feature of the world. I cannot know if it's true because I saw a little of this.
Why do I think and feel so? The truth can be such that, indeed, if I would go out of my usual borders, there exists nothing over, behind, and beyond them. Maybe I made wrong conclusions based on my previous experience and the world is tiny and all its endlessness is my false imagination...
I made so many mistakes in my life. You were my biggest mistake, don't you think so? I was your mistake too. I don't know what you think about our meeting, but I don't regret I've known you, dear black hole.
We both were disappointed in our expectations: for different reasons. You forgot me. I am still thinking about you tenderly.
As a blind woman, I tried to grope, to feel you in the darkness you built. Then I tried to articulate your life in my chunks. I was lucky, I divined a lot about you and about your life. Somehow, you decided to open your life to people, to share your thoughts and feelings. I don't desire to think that you've done it for my sake:)
You are an all-encompassing world for me. I cannot digest your way of thoughts and feelings. You were saying something in your videos, I could see your feelings clearly but not thoughts, but what the use is from knowing feelings if I don't know the context of its cause.
You know that your image on Safebook is too ideal to seem true: such handsome males, clever architects, beautiful life, and things you show on your page don't exist or exist only in images on the internet. Okay, you may have dressed up a few facts, omitted a few unpleasant details but in the main, I mean, your feelings, your ideas, your humor: isn't this all that you are? I am kidding. I think we are not what we think, but we are what we think when we behave, act when we contact the world, the Kant's position I love. What were you thinking at that moment, when you blocked my FB account? I like that you are so jovial. I miss you

The message -528-
27/April/2021 Russia
Hello, Ahmed.
I regret that you told us so much about architecture, but didn't show even once your own projects which would illustrate your skills in architectural engineering.
When it becomes possible for me to build a house, I wish I came to you and asked you to make the project. It is not going to be a big house, not small, not too modern, not too old-fashioned, not colorful, not colorless. It will have to be very simple and quite complicated architecture at the same time. I will not know what I want exactly when I come to you. I'll give you the full freedom for the beginning and then we'll find the best variant, together. I believe in your creativity.
I wish I were alive till the moment.

The message -529-
 Russia
What did you do with me? Why do I yearn for you so much? You are a witch, Ahmed. You killed a wolf and drank its blood.


The message -530-
28/April/2021 Russia
Hello, Ahmed.
A piece of pure meat is your body, my body, and all the rest. It seems right: the only reason for living, acting, loving, and thinking is one: an interest.
Those who've realized that the body is only a physical container for our consciousness, start to experiment with their bodies in different manners, not depending on whether they are aware of it or not.
You, Ahmed, are learning your body at your training. I think, for you, it is no less interesting the capabilities of the bodies of others. Sometimes you don't notice the pain and needs of others because their bodies for you are important in comparison with your own one only, as I understood from my research of you.
Some people do experiments with the bodies of other people and animals.
The only one that sets a border in those experiments: life in the sense of physical existence and being aware (mental existing at that moment). To lose life means the end of everything. To step beyond the border, people, likely, invented religion. The role of religion was also an outside observation of what happens with the physical body of a human being when the human being goes out of its consciousness.

What is interesting: why does the interest appear? What defines the direction of the aspiration?

The message -531-
29/April/2021 Russia
Hello Ahmed,
I quite like your vivid and meaningful mimic. Your face when you are pronouncing "Uu'' looks extremely fine. In some photographs, you have an angel-like look, an angel from the paintings of Rafael. In some pics, you are very male. Somewhere your face is softly kind, embarrassed, and sometimes cynical and even, rarely, cruel. I am sorry, Ahmed, that I pay so much attention to your piece of meat. You are handsome, you know it now. I love you much more now when you are getting old. You belong to those people who are getting old beautifully. ...But maybe I am biased due to my obsession with you. I am sorry I was rude about your appearance: I meant only quite well and it is not my rule to hide my feelings from you. I consider warts unpleasant, I say that directly. For it is quite easy, two-week-long, to remove all the peas from the face forever. If it is possible and cheap and useful to do, normal people do it but not you. You like your own image, as I hope. And the internet gives so easy apps to correct images and so on. Also, you know, appearance isn't important, and you are ready to love Sarah who is going to be a fat, old, experienced and smoking lady, like Sarah in the song of that French chansonnier you posted a song of. I will send you photos of my old body again, from time to time, undressed maybe. I am also ugly and unpleasant and old. This body will be buried soon in the same ugly coffin despite the fact that I always ask them to fire my body after death.
I've never seen marbled beef, but I think my hands are similar to it but green. Can you see the pattern?

Ольга отправила Ахмеду фото своей мускулистой и жилистой, обнаженной до плеча руки.

The message -532-
30/April/2021 Russia
13:00
Oh, my piece of meat is so horrible...no, you will never see me again. There is nothing that can help me except a loving heart for him. He accepts me even now when I refused him when I got so old and horrible mummy. What we only have is our body. It is a disgusting container for my disgusting thoughts and feelings. I would prefer to be a pure spirit, free of rude materia, but I cannot. I absolutely depend on this rotten flesh.
16:00
Such natures as mine don’t need too much: go to the training, look at handsome and beautiful bodies, turn on jovial music: and I lose myself in the unreal world, running —  have forgotten every anxious thought. Have a nice day, Ahmed, my sweet sweet sweet black black black hole. ;