The chunk 214 The message -965-

01/May/2021 Algeria
Ахмед спал плохо.
Ему приснились две его золотые рыбки, которые он держал в Нагойе в 2014 году. Он запомнил из сна только песню черной рыбы, строчку: “Cancellavi con un attimo di vita tutto il triste mio passato come all'alba nasce un giorno dalla notte. ((За минуту жизни ты стираешь  все печальное мое прошлое, как на рассвете рождается день из ночи.) итал.)”

В начале апреля, после перерыва в пол года, Ахмед обнаружил совсем недавние непрочитанные сообщения от той женщины из России, которую недавно блокировал на Safebook за хулиганскую выходку. Как только он зашел в аккаунт, она удалила все сообщения. Вчера она объяснила, почему.
А этим утром пришло еще одно ее сообщение.

The message -537-
01/May/2021  Russia
Hello, Ahmed.
Today is my first day of vacation. I did nothing. Today I only visited my gym that is located near my house. This week I am going to attend Aikido training. The first visit is free. I think that one visit will be enough to feel the atmosphere of such kind of training. I missed my meeting with poets: mistakenly. So, I have no news from here. Investing. Investing is a very cool thing, Ahmed. It is so not because I can earn big money: honestly, I lost three percent of the sum which I invested in stocks. Playing with stocks I read a lot about people who are owners of the businesses, about trends in the world economy, about many many things I was not interested in earlier. It riches my world, indeed, against my will, on the whole. I even plan to buy stocks of foreign businesses to become involved in the global world. It will help me to widen my interests and when I leave you, I can change my attention from you to less painful things. Ahmed, imagine that: yesterday I casually went into my Telegram account and saw that Ahmed was online. He had not read my messages yet. Probably, he was talking or chatting with somebody...with a nice woman. I was so thrilled that I deleted all my correspondence to him immediately. I am a hooligan who is afraid of his own shadow. I was embarrassed because in the last messages I showed him my crazy obsession with him. Also, I sent him my undressed (not naked) photographs with those messages. I felt shy again at that moment because he became real at that moment. I think that he only would spit to the screen with my photos as he did each time with my messages. He is so cruel in his indifference.
Lately, I can imagine a kiss with him because his lower lip I see absolutely green and feel sweet as a pod of peas. It is a cold lip, not alive, not soft. It is because I strictly forbad myself to think about, to imagine sex with him. But I want him. It is funny. I want only him because I feel tender to him and it seems to me he is able to give the same tender and fragile response to a hypothetical lover. Only because of that, yeah...In him I love my reflection. I love his delight to me that is not accessible.
I didn't try to seduce him: I know by my own past experience that it is impossible to be nice against will. I knew that he would feel nothing but disgust as I always felt receiving such photos from other guys. Why did I send those photos? I don't know. Act of humiliation, again: I shouldn't feel I am still a perfection only because my former looks at me adorably and tries to touch me often. I am getting older and I must adjust to it.
Today I met my English teacher. I am thinking of stopping our meetings because lately he looks disgusting: he is yawning all the time and picking something in his face, miserably. I cannot tell him about it. And I don't see any reasons for the next meeting because his help doesn't help me in English. I am not studying at all. It is my fault, of course. I should think about it.
My ex bought meat today. He bought a piece of beef, including the beef's tongue. He said he bought it special for me because he thinks I love eating it. He bought it ten years ago last time and I forgot even the taste of the food. But all the years each time he was about to buy it but his deliveries didn't have it.
I miss your smile, my sweet black-hole man.

Telegram app
01/May/2021
Ahmed:
— Hello… I didn’t see the sexy photos you sent me, — Ahmed had written to her on Telegramm at night and she saw his message in the midday.