Strange Movie

For a long time already I don't have myself. I'm just watching myself, living through all those life situations as I'd watch movie. Of course I feel for the "hero". Unfortunately, that movie I cannot turn off and start another one. But fortunately, I can watch it as a drama or a tragedy or a comedy.
Every day a genre is different, but a choice seems is still mine


The heroine of that movie is pretty strange personality and leading an unusual life. Looking at all her way is seems she is in search of something, probably even without realizing what is that. She is changing places of living and places of working, changing cities and countries. Is that indicator of madness or something else?

Well, it depends from what point of view to look at things. We are talking from the present time, the time of the war and mutual hatred. It is not easy even define what all “normal” people around are fighting for . Power and Money!
It’s not easy to keep the normal life in such a world, but people try to adjust to what is outside of them by different ways. However, not all of them are trying to adjust to outside world the same way. For our heroine is the difficult way. She does everything to find a compromise between her inner world and the one which is outside.

That is some description of personality, investigated by specialist

“The subject is skeptical and tries to delve into the essence of ideas old and new, prone to experiment in life, tolerant of changes;
"conformity - independence" - independence, orientation to one's own decisions, independence, resourcefulness, desire to have one's own opinion. She is inclined to go her own way, make her own decisions, act independently.
    With the reasonable use of these qualities and the support of the environment, a person can achieve great success in professional activities, the realization of his life goals, and the disclosure of the existing creative potential.
    However, if the environment does not accept such personality traits, there is a real danger that a person will live in a state of chronic neuropsychological stress, stress due to misunderstanding and pressure from society.
Many extraordinary personalities of creative professions, actors, inventors, and scientists had similar features. Some of them reached great heights in achieving their goals and were recognized by society during their lifetime, while others were appreciated only after many years.”...And some never

I think I also have a choice to get into that movie and ask a heroine a few questions. Could I? Why not

-Please tell me, dear , are you fully realize what is going on with you in a real life?

-Not at all. What I know is no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to adjust to outside reality, but  staying on my own way-it is just does not work

Are you satisfied with that strange life you have? Why did you make such a choice and  such a difficult way?

It was not my choice, but in given me the way I try to do my best. I complain a lot about different things, but not about my life. It's interesting and that is important for me

Where do you live now, dear?

Well, a simple question sometimes makes me stuck in my mind, because actually I live in a bordel, as strange as it sounds, but actually its a place of love.

PLACE of LOVE

 Officially it’s a small cosy private hotel, but out of touristic season, Shaho, the owner of hotel bring "special tourists". Lisa, his wife and me call them like that. It’s our 'dashury people" 'Dashury" is Love in Albanian. We have a lot of love in that little space.
In the beginning Shaho used to like boasting with the money they paid to him. Shaho and Lisa live only by Shaho pension and my rent. Of course, “special tourists” are very helpful and welcome people.

Neighbors across the hotel have a few dogs. One of them, a white skinny one is ' a queen of love" She has a loving devoted partner, a black shaggy guy. They are usually together, constantly showing loving tender attention to each other. But there is another guy, who also loves and wants her and often there is fierce fighting happening around her. She is a center of male attention.

Neighbors have a big, a few generations family living together. They remind me Uzbekistan by constantly sweeping the land around the house. That was 'a must" for Uzbek women to sweep their yards. Family has children and grandchildren. One of them learning music and plays some mouth instrument. She seems plays the same melody by months, but still feels very nice when she does that.

 The young man has a plastic bottles business. He puts huge sack on his bike and checks all the garbage places nearby. One of their numerous dogs usually accompanied him on his job. Lately I do not see her anymore. She is my favorite-very quiet peaceful and friendly one. For me, who is afraid of dogs, that one is the best-never barking
When Shaho grandkids come they are playing together and dogs and cats are playing with them. Running, screaming. Its so nice

I have to mention that Shaho was sent to me by God really. Living in summer in my terrible "beautiful shtepia" (house in Albanian) I went to the sea early mornings, until the water is not hot and was asking the sea to send me a nice person, because I felt, that myself I was not able to get one. Especially after a story with Italian signore.

CIAO LASHA!

 As the summer was one and a season of rain approached I needed to look for "a dry roof over my head" I asked people on the street. Somebody called to someone and a man speaking Italian drove by. He showed a good apartment, near the sea and the price was affordable. Signora also  came by to say “Hi!’. I thought ‘O! nice! I can “move to Italy” for awhile , starting to learn Italian and get some rest from Albanian ways.

I should not think that way. My life teaches me not to make any plans in order to get upset later. My plans never ever come true. It was shown in my recurrent  dreams as well. I can use only what Life decides to give me, so I chose to rent that apartment

Next day I wrote to the owner, that I’ll like to take his apartment and when can I move in. Suddenly price became 1,5 times bigger and some other things changed to worse. I tried to find out what happened, but the guy seemed was not happy with my questions and wrote “Ciao lasha!”. I still did not get the translation, but it felt bad and I had no idea why he got angry with me. Later I was said that Italian people here are the special ones and I need to be careful. That “be careful” actually is not very helpful, as a person should know too much in order to be careful and not to be simply scared or constantly anxious

After Italian man I could not go outside for a couple of day, but then got the mental strength to meet people again. I went to direction I was before with a young, but very business-directed young girl. She was a school girl, but talked very unemotionally and took me far away without saying the price of the place. First I had to see the place! If she’d say it, I’d not go, it was not my budget , as they like to say it here, but probably it was the way parents instructed her. When I refused the place very politely she even did not take me to the gate. No business-I did not exist for her any more.

But the road we went was wonderful along the pine grove. And I took myself that way, still hope to find "my people" and there I was lucky, meeting Shaho and Lisa, with whom I spent a few great months. Although we did not have a common language, we had no problem. We understand each other and then language is not important

People around is mostly submissive,  with their "heads down" they "go with a flow" Those who chose another way, meet a lot of negative energy and little support here .
That is why Shaho words are very important for me
 "Thank you for your courage! And they wake you up. You are a good, sincere, honest woman. You fight for your right. Respect!!!"