Дневник Сумасшедшего 1252

12688

Missed a day. There is something to tell about it. We had another “big fight” with A. It started then on Sunday and lasted till Monday’s morning. We were wrestling all night. She woke up at 3am, went to the bathroom, and after coming back at 5am, told me to get out. She said she couldn’t sleep near me, feeling disgusted. I was perplexed, tried to resist her pressure, but at last lost patience, took my stuff, and went home. In ten minutes, she sent me a message, asking to get back. We quickly made peace. The rest of the day, I was with her.

There were a couple of moments when I again entertained the thought that it was over. Yet, I ended up being even more attached to her than before. I think there is something in me that triggers her “shadow”. When I’m not careful to maintain control over my own “shadow”, it inevitably leads to conflicts. As soon as a conflict starts, there is no way to make a trade-off. I can easily accept her terms, sacrificing my “self-importance”, if it would be enough. Usually, it’s exactly the opposite of what she wants. She wants to be defeated, but not in a straightforward way. There is too much complexity in all of that.

Previously, I mentioned that I must have focused on one thing and worked on it till it’s perfect. This time, my own “shadow” was triggered by her cursing me when I mindlessly asked why she picked up a phone. A few days ago, there was a similar situation when I asked her about the number of people attending the dancing courses. I must control my curiosity and avoid pushing all sorts of useless quires when it’s not appropriate. I also must stop using any kind of profane language when she’s present. If I occasionally curse, she shamelessly does the same.

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