Description of my Bipolar

THINGS IN a NORMAL WORLD

When my daughter got  married. I decided to take care of myself and try to get rid from that strange thing as Bipolar. I already dealt a lot with Doctors and realized that "being free from BP" is not in their intentions at all.

As everything else I did that by my way. I found myself spiritual person, with PhD in psychology and knowledge of Jung, who lived in another state
I decided to do the full anamneses of my condition. I was sure, the more variety of information he'd get the better, so he'd deal with a person and not with an illness

I was wrong thinking that way. Professionals do not like that
Also I was wrong, thinking that relatives would be glad seeing me BP free
I lived basically in my world with my own ideas about life

So I wrote my own description of my Bipolar and asked all the relatives to read and write their visions of me and my BP. To give psychologist full picture.

That is the difference between autistic thinking and neurotypical
From Facts to the True whole picture
From common scheme to a certain person

Only my daughter did description willingly. My Mother, who was a doctor and trusted doctors with everything said " Doctor knows better. I should not write anything"

Description of my daughter is absolutely correct.

From that description it is obvious that she saw Depressive part as Illness and Maniac part as health. My mother had the opposite attitude. She accepted me only in state of depression. It made situation with Bipolar complicated

I did try to create one whole person by  taking parts from those 2 stages, but it did not work. I had to work with every part- Depression and Mania -separately, changing them in right direction to reach neutral state and I achieved that.

That is why I was sure I was free from BP. And BP is a psychological issue, which I solved. However, Professionals rejected it, trying  to argue that it was just a remission. Relatives rejected my recovery as well.
Besides they managed to put my daughter against me and she took their attitude seeing my depression as healthy part of me.
 Psychologists with their Separation put a lot fake "Parental settings" in mind of my daughter behind closed doors. A lot of fake stuff relatives put into my grandchildren minds

And now Life itself became Bipolar-me in My own World with its Truth and Logic
And Big normal World with a lot of Fake and untrue stuff around me

When I hear that World reflects what person has inside I do not agree.
 Now I have peace and clarity inside compare to Bipolar when everything was strange and unpredictable

When My Daughter was in My world she did that description
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Bipolar

Approximately every few years my mother falls in a state of depression, where she remains from one to six months.  When my mother is in this state of, she feels dejected, useless, sometimes even suicidal. There is a big change in her:  from a cheerful, active, bold, full of live individual she turns into a gloomy, listless, unsure of himself person.  Her usually active mind which is normally full of plans and actions now falls asleep.  During her depression she rarely has any thoughts except that everything is going bad and will get worse; she has difficulty concentrating on what she is doing; it's extremely hard for her to arrive at any decision.

Everything that she strongly advocates or rejects, when she's healthy, is now in reverse.  The same in her relationship with people: if, when healthy, she deals with some persons without any problems, now they cannot find a common language, and vice versa, she is able to talk to people with whom in a healthy state she usually quarrels.

For example, usually she's friends with mentally retarded girls whose counselor she is.  They like her because she's not nasty, often finds them interesting things to do, doesn't try to get rid of them as soon as possible in order to do her own things, and for other reasons.  However, during the last period of illness, it almost got to the point when they hated and avoided her,  since she used to annoy them with meaningless tasks, and, in general, it was not interesting to be with her at that time to any person, even more so to those girls with mental problems.

RELATIVES

On the other hand, my mother doesn't usually have good relationships with her mother and brother;  they quarrel periodically, and then she doesn't talk to them until one of her fit of depression occurs.  During depression time, her mother, my grandmother, usually becomes very helpful, soft and pities my mother.  My mother regrets that she has treated her so bad, starts saying what a bad daughter she has been.  They start calling each other Mother and Daughter, whereas usually they call e/o by names.  It used to surprise me how quickly they  become friends with e/o after a long time of bitterness. 

But I understand now it's not a real friendship; it always shatters as soon as my mother starts taking medicine that pulls her out of melancholic mood.  When my grandmother sees that her daughter becomes her old self again, and already starts getting a bit impatient with her (since my grandmother is a VERY difficult person to deal with), the grandmother also assumes her old defending attitude and looks for quarrel at each word. As if she realizes that now there is nothing to be gained from her daughter, so it's better to separate as soon as possible.
               
  Also, I used to be confused that during the healthy period if I defend the grandmother, my mother would shout at me and show me through countless examples that the grandmother thinks about nobody, but herself, whereas, during the illness, when the grandmother is a saint in the eyes of my mother, if I even hint at one of those examples that shows grandmother's selfishness, my mother would tell me that I don't treat my grandmother properly, that I speak roughly with her.

Another notable thing is that during depression my mother losses memory, both short and long-termed.  She doesn't remember what somebody told her a few minutes ago, doesn't remember simple facts that she is usually brilliant at.  But that, of course, is no wonder.  Since her mind is sleeping, it cannot remember small things.  As for things that happen some time ago and that my mother remembers when she is in healthy state, I think it's pushed to the back of her mind by constant worries of all sorts.

A change of opinion about her actions and thoughts also take place when she's in depression.  She hates herself for how she has behaved when she was healthy, how she treated her relatives, how bold and impudent she has been, and other things.  She also expresses her fears that I behave like her, that I've learned her bad ways of behaving.  She begs me not to learn from her and not to behave the way she does, especially towards our relatives.

Also, during the depression, she becomes deceivingly pitiful of other people.  She realizes what an annoying useless person she became to me, to the girls in her work, and to other people, but, of course, that doesn't help her to become herself again.

It's hard to say what causes these fits of depression, especially that I only remember 2 of them that happened in America.  But the thing that I've noticed is that both of them happened in summer which is usually a deadly season for us because there is no work, no school, no money.  So, we start speculating what is going to happen to us, are they going to throw us out of our house, how are we going to live without money, would we be forced to go beg on the street, etc.

 And, what happens is that sometimes my mother doesn't stop at expressing her worries, she falls into that state of depression where she remains even after our affairs are fixed. I hope that with time, as we progress through a working latter and getting better and better jobs, my mother will get into those depression states less and less often because losing a job wouldn't mean a disaster any longer.
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My Mother about me
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M.(brother)  has a new job, so he's busy, he cannot write anything.  And I will not write anything down because it will get into the her hands , and then I will be blamed again.
I've already told you everything about it. On her jobs she always fights with everybody. I suffer that I don't have a daughter. It turns out that when she is in depression her reasoning is better than when she is in that hyperactive state that she is in now.  During depression she thinks I'm her mom, and we spend good time together.