Дневник Сумасшедшего 1411

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Yesterday, I asked, “Why can’t I be the same person here and there?” meaning that there was a big difference between how I talk to the camera and how I think. This question sparked many fascinating thoughts in my mind. Now, I wanna explore one of them further.

The main point is that certain emotions drive me while I’m thinking: curiosity, wonder, enthusiasm and all sorts of playful emotions like that. On the other hand, when I record my speeches, I feel anxious, insecure, afraid of making mistakes, being weird or being misunderstood. Furthermore, I set overly high standards for myself. I want my English to be as brilliant as my Russian.
 
I had spent more than five years studying and writing poetry in Russian. I had been cultivating a poetic mindset for all these years. I thought of myself as a great poet. It was the core of my identity. I sacrificed all my other ambitions to climb this goddamn poetic Olympus. Later, I was cured by Russian realists like Dobrolubov and Pisarev. I left my metaphysical castles and returned to “normal life”.

However, I’m still biased judging all types of linguistic expressions by their structure rather than content. The content is far less important for me. And all my current “English structure” is below that which I had in 2011 in my Russian language. Even though I’m working on my English non-stop for almost four years, it still falls short of my expectations.

However, I’m confident that I’ll improve with time and practice. It’s not an unattainable ideal; it’s something I already have, though in a different language. Perhaps, I need to reflect on how to put certain emotions to work and how to transform my anxiety into a fighting mood.

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