Confession of a Ghost. 32. 9. A small cloud

“CONFESSION of a GHOST”
a novel by Alexandra Kryuchkova
in the “PLAYING ANOTHER REALITY” series

9 BEFORE/32 AFTER. HOUSE No. 11

*****A SMALL CLOUD*****

***
Somewhere in the Universe


The 7th floor of the Ziggurat was shrouded in Mist, from which a young woman resembling a warrior came out to meet us.

“Hello, Rukh! I’m Pallas,” she greeted me.

“Do you symbolize the Mist?” I was surprised.

“No,” Pallas laughed. “Andromeda is spreading the Mist here. I’m one of the 4 main asteroids, hypostasis of female energy. Vesta is sister-friend. I’m daughter. Juno is wife. Ceres is mother. I’m the second after Vesta. By the way, we both are in conjunction with your Jupiter, on both sides. I’m the daughter of Triton. I was accidentally killed in childhood by my sister. Mere mortals couldn’t see me, so a wooden palladium with my miraculous image in warlike attire fell to them from Heavens. Note that my symbol is a shield, not a sword.”

“So are you a protector?”

“Yes, I protect people from war and during wars in terms of self-defense and restoration of justice. I help those who are fighting the attacker.”

“So are you a fighter for justice?”

“For truth, freedom and peace. I symbolize courage, heroism. I combine the characteristics of Aries-Mars and Jupiter-Sagittarius. I’m well versed in politics. Artists on Earth portray me as a warlike Amazon. I have excellent organizational skills, a developed intellect, like Mercury, willpower and creative energy. I’m successfully engaged in strategic planning.”

“You favor artists too!” the Guardian remarked.

“All creators in the field of arts, since I also symbolize the fire of creative thought, especially if I’m friends with Venus, and we are all here in good relationship with her. I mark people who realize themselves socially not so much in their profession as in their vocation.”

“But you and Jupiter are in the Sphere of the Future,” I sighed meaningfully.

“Recognition in the Future is better than never! Pallas is wise and impartial,” the Guardian added. “Many astrologers associate her also with father, male energy. They consider her a woman who is equal to a man in society.”

“Many men are afraid of me,” Pallas said.

“Not my story,” I smiled. “I’m destined to be afraid of men.”

“You fear them, they fear you,” Pallas chuckled. “In the Sign of Aries, I feel at home, similar to the conjunction of Mars-Pallas – mental activity, martial Spirit, the ability to win in the struggle for ideas and justice. Your Ziggurat is oversaturated. Your energy is capable of causing a fire. Next to the Sun, I give a chance to become a warrior of Light. Next to Mercury, I increase the already high intelligence, the level of proficiency in speech, the Word. I’m friends with Venus, so the fiery Spirit is realized through Love and creativity. In conjunction with Jupiter, I mean the search for Higher truths, exploring the field of the Spirit through creativity. Next to Vesta, I give the sublimation of sexual energy on a creative and spiritual level, inspiration from ideas and devotion, the ability to heal. Research on hidden human resources and non-traditional medicine are given by my conjunction with Chiron.”

“In India,” the Guardian added, “Pallas is associated with yoga and the activation of Kundalini energy, that leads to the opening of the highest of the 7 chakras — direct access to the Spirit and Heaven, promotes cell regeneration. Raisa Akhmetovna Mansurova, whom you have already met in the Library of the Universe, will be actively engaged in the topic of stem cells. At her seminars, you’ll walk barefoot over broken glass and burning coals. It’s the realm of Chiron and Pallas too.”

“Clarity of mind and competence for action,” Pallas continued. “We are in the symbolic House of Heaven-Uranus, so you can explore the Sky, penetrate the Future. Its pictures will serve as an impetus to creativity, help you fulfill yourself.”

“What degree are you in?” I asked.

“In the most charming and attractive!” Pallas laughed. “A magnetic personality who doesn’t follow patterns. Someone considers this degree a Chiron’s one, someone – Uranus’, one of the good ones. It gives gentleness, vitality and sends patrons of the opposite sex.”

“And that stargazer?” I looked at the Guardian.

“…‘The engraver gazes with admiration at the magnificent amethyst he holds in his hand.’ Mental and moral strength, power over people. A symbol of charm. A person who gives hope to the suffering, helps them with knowledge and gains adherents. However, we are talking about amethyst, the stone of initiates, spiritual people, nuns, the Highest Heavenly Sphere, the 7th chakra.”

“Of course, Rukh, I have the same story as Chiron, with your Saturn. Moreover, it’s foggy here. It won’t be easy. Girls have a forced male role in life, boys have a lack of masculinity. It happens that people artificially block their abilities, men creative ones and women mental ones, in order to correspond to the public perception of a Man and a Woman. Alternatively, they don’t block themselves, but are suppressed by representatives of the opposite sex. You’ll achieve success and become famous for your mind or creativity. Your man won’t like it, he’ll feel like a worthless creature next to you and begin to live you out of the world. Violence, tyranny, a life-and-death struggle.”

“Pluto,” I stated and sighed heavily.

“Maybe not only Pluto,” the Guardian clarified. “The Saturn-Pallas square relationship means limitations in creative self-realization. Who will act as the instrument of this square is another question. Anyhow, someone will greatly hinder your victories and successes.”

“Pluto will understand, Rukh, who you really are, and consciously press you, trying to insinuate that black is white, and white is black, that you are a worthless being,” Pallas added. “Other people will consider you an ordinary person, not understanding why you need to create, and will block the Path. The Sun needs to shine, it’s not the reward that counts, but the fact of shining. You’ll be restricted by men in your glow, you can lose faith in yourself. As a result – apathy, depression, stop or delayed self-realization, fear of success or victory, belated victory and success, fear of men.”

“What about the Mist? Why is it here? Have you mentioned Andromeda? Sirrakh-Alferatz, met by me earlier, seems to be her star.”

“Andromeda is a nebula, the largest spiral galaxy closest to Earth, includes about 300 billion stars, which a Persian astronomer in the 10th century called ‘a small cloud’. In the 17th century, a contemporary of Galileo compared it with a lit candle, and a little later, the astronomer Durham said that the Inexpressible Light of the Heavenly Kingdom was pouring onto Earth in that place. Andromeda was sacrificed to a sea monster and became a Constellation. The Vertex means ‘whirlpool, or vortex’, the central point of the nebula, it’s in exact conjunction with me.”

“What does it mean?”

“On the one hand,” the Guardian sighed. “In conjunction with the Sun, and it’s nearby, one can achieve a high position in society. On the other hand, the Vertex is of the Moon and Mars nature, and don’t forget that it’s a nebula. According to the Moon, hallucinations, clouding of Consciousness, painful fantasies, illusions, deceptions, mental disorders, drug addiction are possible. According to Mars, it means aggression, including sudden death under mysterious circumstances, murder or suicide. In the worst case, the nebula is located at the point of the first breath. On the MC it can block the road to success. It’s bad that Pallas symbolizes the very MC, and it’s she who is in conjunction with the Andromeda’s Vertex.”

“In the worst case,” Pallas continued, “Pluto will bring you to such state of the Moon-psyche that wakes up my Mars-like militancy, while your Mars is afflicted.”

“Yes, I erased my memory so that… Here it is my return to Heaven, shrouded in mystery, due to drowning aggression in my Self. Pluto, depriving me of the Sun, in company with Vindemiatrix, poisons me through the Cup of Pain and awakens Lilith. Neptune, in the opposition with the Moon, emanates Mist. Andromeda makes Pallas foggy, awakening the auto-aggression of Mars. The conjunction with Chiron supposes just an illusion of choice, in square with Saturn, the ruler of Death inside my Self – that is the aspect of suicides, with his assistant Uranus – the sudden Death. How funny it’s all written in my passport! It logically fits into a single chain and leads to the same result. And this is my happiest House! There is only the Black Moon conjuring and a small cloud flying around there.”


***
Library of the Universe


I flopped into the Reading Hall chair and put my head in my hands. The Guardian silently sat down beside me.

“How can I calculate Pluto people on Earth?”

“The Sun in Scorpio is one of the signs of Plutonic personalities,” the Guardian said with a sigh of relief from the fact that I spoke again. “Ascendant in Scorpio gives us Pluto as the Master of Destiny. The Ascendant in any Sign, but Pluto in House No. 1, means that one’s Self is Pluto. And or, accentuated Sphere of Pluto, No. 8, with several planets in it. The more the worse. For you.”

“How can I know it?”

“There are many programs on Earth, you need to know the moment of the first breath and the place of birth.”

“Is the moment fixed somewhere?”

“On the tag in the maternity hospital, although the clock may lag behind or run ahead. However, most people lose their tag.”

“What’s?” I screamed, jumping up from my chair. “So are you, my Guardian, saying that I’m doomed to the worst scenario? The only chance in my case is to bypass all Pluto people at a distance of some galaxies!”

“If such possibility existed, your passport wouldn’t have Pluto’s opposition to the Sun. Like it or not, you have to go through Pluto. Each person carries their own cross. The father of your children must be Pluto. Your children will be Pluto. The boy you met during our tour in Hell was Pluto. The young man in the Library of the Universe, who promised you a lot of things, was Pluto. Your astral body is formed of atoms, encoded with the information of your passport, or the Matrix of Destiny in the Space of Time. You attract only those people whose astral bodies fit into your Matrix. Moreover, you are exactly the same way registered in their passports. All the main life events of the even non-incarnated yet exist with specific dates and places! It’s impossible to avoid meeting with the one you must go together through a joint section of the labyrinth. Besides, your self is Pluto too, just Saturn-like, similar to the Pluto-Saturn conjunction, which is interpreted as a wizard. Whether you know someone’s birth time or not, you’ll sense who is who.”

Once again having lost the desire to incarnate, I opened the book and read “The Night Guest” story about twin brothers, one of them took revenge on the other by killing his wife, who believed in ghosts.

“And I believe in ghosts! Why are you running away from them all the time? Have you ever wondered if maybe they wanted to tell you something important?”



*****ASSOCIATIONS*****

***
Somewhere in the Mist


We were having dinner in a Japanese cafe.

“Alice, you always have answers to all my questions. I often imagine you and ask something, and you answer. You haven’t changed at all, only your eyes are now like Mansurova’s, looking through. May I take a photo of you?”

He took a photo of me with his phone and said,

“My wife died in the car accident on June 23.”

“The birthday of Akhmatova. Yes, I know. Svetlana told me. I crashed in the car accident on June 23 too, but I was saved by Heaven.”

“I came to an old woman and asked, ‘For what?’ She said that God had punished me for helping everyone. God didn’t want that, he planned to punish those people whom I helped. I helped them, and he killed my wife. What a fool I was to think that helping was good.”

“Do you want some advice? Don’t go to that old woman again. Never again.”

“Can I call you sometimes?” he asked, and sighed like a child. “I haven’t been talking to anyone for three years. I closed within myself. I’m already 56 on November 20!”

“The Sun in Scorpio,” Ray’s sarcastic voice rang out.


***
Moscow


“Look who’s talking!” I walked over to Ray. “You have almost as many planets in House No. 8 as I do in the 11th. Moreover, the Master of the 8th is on your Ascendant! And what about the Court?”

“Another Sun in Scorpio and your friend. You healed her mother with jewelry made of stones, and your Athos “Pantanassa” icon healed their grandfather from cancer. The out-of-that-world girl Inessa was called as a witness for your magical practices. She told about your joint works, you wrote comic poems, pretended to be frogs catching princes’ arrows. Kindergarten, in brief, a very funny one!”

“Kindergarten… Children…” I whispered. “And what’s there? Are the devils rejoicing?”

“What else would they do if you have 9 days left,” Ray was swaying imposingly in his chair. “Walking in your shoes, I wouldn’t pull the Puss in Boots by the tail, since no one knows how the Full Moon celebration ends.”

“Shoes-boots. Cat in Boots. Cat in the Bag. The cobbler’s children have no shoes. Kindergarten. Children’s library. Kids’ toys. What else has to do with children?” I paced back and forth across the room.

“Your puzzles, not mine! You really don’t want to remember. I’ve even hinted to you several times.”

“What exactly? Kindergarten. I went there to a five-day week, and my son had two nannies and a kindergarten. Winter boots. Autumn boots.”

I stopped in front of the fireplace and raised my head. The icon of the Imperial Family hung exactly in the center on the wall.

“My son always joked that he looked like Ivan the Terrible. Double Pluto, he has the Ascendant in Scorpio, Pluto in House No. 1 and some planets in House No. 8,” I continued to walk around the room. “Children of the Arbat. Children’s room. Children’s games. Children’s world. Everything is wrong!” I exclaimed from impotence, and Ray sighed heavily. “I agree. Saturn is not Chiron! Try walking in my shoes, do you remember Depeche Mode? And they were singing about shoes! Boots. Two of a kind! Valera was a shoemaker, he had his own chain of workshops, he repaired my boots. Oh, a story! Once I went to Alina to chat about the square of Saturn with Chiron, and her black dachshund came in. Alina laughed and said, “Here it is, light in the mind, the materialized square of Chiron with Saturn!” By the way, March 20 is International Astrologers’ Day, and March 21 is International Poets’ Day! Well, don’t scold me, Ray! Plastic necklace. There’s something weird in it! I couldn’t consider it so valuable to keep until my last breath! Window handle. Plastic necklace. Boots. Children. Children’s library. The two-faced Love. Boy the Lawyer. The abandoned labyrinth building that comes to life on the Full Moon. Nonsense like!”

“Seeking for the Perished”, Ray sighed.

“I read Akathist to that icon on Athos,” I nodded, but Ray walked up to the icon, and I asked warily, “What’s wrong?”

“You haven’t included it in your listing. Work with associations. As Saturn and as Chiron. And as Saturn and Chiron combined.”


***
Ouranoupoli


“Today, a customer came in asking at the threshold, “How can I become a monk on Athos?” Leah said as she finished her coffee.

“Once I ended up in the convent of St. Petka Paraskeva in a remote place. There were almost no people there. The relics of the Saint were kept in the main temple. It was closed, but God sent me an old nun, and she agreed to go to the abbess for the keys. Already saying goodbye, the nun looked me intently in the eye, as if scanning my soul, and offered to stay with them.”

“To become a nun?” Leah exclaimed. “And you?”

“I went to Seraphim of Sarov. However, I have a place to return.”

“Alice, how are you? I’ve heard you’re going to ‘Pantanassa’? Would you like to see the rings with the icon of ‘Pantanassa’ we have in our shop? They say a lot of bad things about Vatopedi. Anyhow, last winter I went to a liturgy there. I had a problem that no one knew about. After the liturgy, we were invited to the refectory. Right at the door, the elder monk Ephraim stopped me. He took my hand, voiced my problem and told me how to solve it.”

“I won’t go to Vatopedi, just to their Metochion in Porto Lagos.”

“There’s a monk from Vatopedi in Porto Lagos. I’ll get his name. He doesn’t speak Russian, but he took the Belt of the Virgin to Russia. You should speak to him through a Greek interpreter.”

“Where can I find a Greek interpreter?” I was surprised.

“God will send you,” Leah smiled.


***
Tower of Ouranoupoli


“I realized a terrible thing,” I said thoughtfully, finishing my astral jasmine tea and caressing the flame in the fireplace with my gaze.

“The main thing in your phrase is ‘realized’, ” Joice smiled.

“Ray told me to remember everything that I had seen and heard after my death. I don’t remember anything except conversations about icons and the very fact of looking through the contents of the ‘secret room’. Ask me now, what was there, I won’t answer.”

“So, it doesn’t matter to you here and now. No links left. It’s good.”

“But it’s not just for nothing I keep remembering the Woman with two faces, Boy the Lawyer, the necklace. How and what to complete? Maybe it’s all about the Full Moon.”

“Don’t think about the Full Moon. The case must be completed before it.”

“The important matter has to do with my things. Boots, boots… Well, what does the boots have to do with it? What boots?” I thought.

“Maybe you should try to look from the other side.”

“What’s the other side to look at the boots?” I exclaimed in despair. “Of course, from Cosmos, Italy is a boot too! Ray spoke about associations and hinted at some connection with the ‘Seeking for the Perished’ icon. It turns out that daily reading of the Akathist is not enough! Well, tell me, Joice, tell me the unlucky one, what could be the connection between magically illustrated fairy tales and the icon that helps in the most difficult situations?”


***
Library of the Universe


“Let’s continue looking for the Puss in Bag,” I sighed, scratching Moony’s ear.

“It would be a good start to find the Bag you are going to look for the Puss in,” Moony purred in response.


“Svetlana returned from Tibet. ‘Did you say my hello to Kailash?’ She laughed, ‘You won’t believe it, they didn’t let us go to Kailash!’ I called Svetlana to Athos, but… Athos decides for himself who comes and who doesn’t. A tourist has recently died, his heart stopped. Everyone said, ‘horror!’ I thought, ‘what a lucky man to die in the Holy Land, I wish I were like that!’ Icons are a treasure box of knowledge and miracles, a window to the Subtle World, the presence of Heaven on Earth. They materialize and hide themselves. The monks say, icons are not chosen by people, icons choose people. I found several alive ones more, one of them was St. Paisios. He dived into me from the icon and remained inside. I never know to whom I bring icons. God sends people to me for them. They take the icon away and tell me about its miracles after a year… I went to the church. There were a lot of people. I put 25 candles, the last one to the Queen Alexandra (Alice), and understood that I couldn’t go back to the entrance, the priest (right in front of me) began the confession. It was a sign for me to confess too, I started remembering my sins. People told the priest, ‘I sent people to Hell,’ ‘I stole,’ ‘I committed adultery,’ etc. and were forgiven. I thought, ‘I didn’t send, I didn’t steal, I didn’t commit adultery. So I won’t go until I remember what’s wrong with me.’ Then a woman fell on her knees and began to rant at the priest, that everything was not good in him, and all was wrong. Insight! I have no humility! I can’t reconcile myself with what is given to me and not given, to reconcile with God.”

***
Courtroom in the Universe


The same Moonlight Sonata was still there. I didn’t see the faces approaching the Scales at all, but I heard their voices.

“God brought me to Alice on the eve of my eye surgery on a completely different matter. Suddenly, unaware of the surgery, she handed me as a gift an icon of St. Petka Paraskeva, who is responsible for vision! Then she published my book of Orthodox poems, having received the stamp of the Russian Orthodox Church on them!”

“Once I was in Moscow on business. Driving in the evening of the St. Spyridon’s feast day, I saw a girl by the road. Alice was returning home from their poetry party in a children’s library. I decided to give her a lift. Driving past the unique Cathedral, where copies of all the Holy Places had been recreated on the lower level, Alice admitted that she had not enough time to look into it. I suggested having a stop for a tour of the Cathedral. She gladly agreed and didn’t even say that she had made many donations for its construction, and her name was there on eternal remembrance. After my tour of the lower floor, we went upstairs and stood for Vespers. When I drove Alice home, she offered me a tour of her flat in return. I chuckled, but agreed … not in vain! I had never seen so many icons in a house, and of that kind! Alice told me amazing Athos stories, and I thought, ‘What a poetess!’ Then we drank tea, and for some reason I wanted to tell her what I had never told anyone before – about my brother’s murder, about my abandoned mother, and much more, as if I were at a confession. Alice listened to me calmly and patiently, warming my heart with her words. I didn’t say to her only that I was a priest.”