Sideways upside down

Русский вариант - http://proza.ru/2014/01/30/2290

How they hung upside down,
We are like insects on the leaves,
All of us: “Come on, get off,
It’s not right to hang sideways!”

I stared in the mirror... it starts again. Again, no matter how you hide it, this madness has haunted me all my life. My reflection in the mirror does not allow me to live normally. So.., I need to concentrate, this time I’m in my bathroom, I have to go out again into the room, behind the door is the hallway and on the left is the room, on the right is the exit.

Oh my God, really again? Nothing happened, Masha puts her daughter to bed, after the TV we go to bed. No matter what changes outside the door now, I will remember that this is an obsession, I’m probably overtired at work. But...

I open the door and my control over my head is lost. From this, of course... A hospital corridor, a five-year-old daughter being wheeled in a wheelchair, medical staff literally running to the operating room. My wife and I can barely keep up with them; the door closes in front of us. We are both shaking, I can’t remember anything: how, when, why?

We just know that Yulia is dying, she is being operated on outside the door and we are rushing about in the room next to it.
- Mashenka, dear, calm down, this is not real, it just seems to me!
- Yura, what are you saying, our daughter is dying!
- She’s sleeping, you put her to bed, it’s all happening in my head, it’s happened to me a couple of times already! This is not all real!
Masha came up to me and slapped my cheek with her palm.
- Does this hurt?
She sat on the edge of her chair and burst into tears, saying:
- At least don’t talk nonsense, our daughter is dying!

My cheek began to burn, my head refused to think, and suddenly a doctor came in with a nurse holding a syringe in her hand. The rest was all in a fog, my consciousness could not accept the reality that the child was already in the room and we had to say goodbye. My wife fell into a chair unconscious, I fell into a stupor.

The nurse gave her an injection and left, the doctor remained and stood in front of me. I looked into his face, it was indifferent and it was me, it was my face. It flashed in my head that I had already seen him in my mirror, it was me and in fact I was having a nervous attack. There's something wrong with me!

- It is still possible to save your daughter, but on condition that your wife must die for her.
- How, how dare you tell me this, my daughter is dying, and you do this!
- You have five minutes, either Yulia or Masha. Yes, here is the knife, I repeat, just five minutes.
And he left. There was a round clock hanging on the wall; in my eyes it had grown to the size of a bicycle wheel. I threw the knife on the floor, but the arrow inexorably counted down the first minute. What if no one dies? But how is everything real and the slap in the face too? Real or not? Why should Masha die so that Yulia can live? Why does Julia die?

A nurse looked into the room.
- Father, you don’t have time, you may not have time to say goodbye.
There are three minutes left on the clock. Masha and I lived in a civil marriage in love and harmony, Masha announced her pregnancy and we got married, after Yulia, our joy, Yulenka, and what is the reason to die? We just put her to bed, right? But is it all so real? How to make sure everyone is alive?

Another minute passed. Two minutes and that's it! If Yulia is not there, will Masha want to give birth again after such grief? If Masha is not there, then... I will raise Yulenka and be the best father. But by killing Masha, she will lose me too, I will be imprisoned!

Another minute passed, I tried to bring Masha back to consciousness, but she was like a rag. Maybe she was put to sleep? To make it easier for me to deal with it? But why do they need the death of one of them? Organs, they need organs! I'll put them all away! Mashenka, dear, wake up, Yulia is in danger! They are watching us, if I don’t kill you now, they will kill Yulia! Why didn't they suggest that I commit suicide myself?

One minute left. Damn you, damn you all you bastards! I'll lock you all up, you bastards! I began to frantically search for the abandoned knife. Found it under the chair. He came up to Masha and already raised his hand to hit him in the chest, when...

The front doorbell rang. I’m standing next to the bed, and Yulia is sleeping peacefully on it, Masha has fallen asleep next to her. The hand is raised with a knife over the wife. He put the knife in the kitchen and went to open the door. My mother was standing there.
- Mom, we need to talk.
- About what?
- Come on into the kitchen, the girls are sleeping.
Mom sat down and began to examine me carefully.
- You're pale...
- Mom, it happened to me again. I fear me. I almost killed Masha now.
- What, “sideways upside down” again? Tomorrow go and go to the clinic. And that’s it, tell Masha everything...

2015