He s like a brother to me

http://proza.ru/2005/12/16-274

-Who were you there?
- On the emka, behind the steering wheel, I delivered ammunition, food and all that to the infantry.
- So, it means from the infantry?
- Well, yes.
- And I'm from the infantry. It’s been a year since the Fritz was defeated, and I’m still stuck here. What, oh, oh, I heard you were shell-shocked. This will pass. Time is necessary and will pass. Do you want me to tell you my story?
- Let's.
- Well, that’s it. Do you have a smoke?
- I do not smoke.

- Yes, and I don’t smoke, it’s just for show, to smoke. I’m going to mean somehow... yes, I mean I was in the infantry. I’m walking through the forest, with a machine gun, I forgot why I’m walking, but I’m walking. Suddenly, I went out onto the field, and at that time a young Fritz came out. So clean, he probably just got to the front. We both stand frozen. And he showed, he gave the go-ahead, like we sometimes do in the trenches, saying that he wouldn’t shoot. I waved too.

We approached, sat down on the grass, he laid the machine gun next to me, I lay it down next to me. He opens his backpack, and there, my dear mother, he lays out: cheese, chocolate, crackers, bread, an apple, schnapps in a flask. And he shows me with his hand, “Eat.” I leaned on him, but he didn’t eat, he kept looking at me. I also open my duffel bag and shake it out onto the grass nearby: look, cartridges, and sand. I look at him, and he is as young as me. He still doesn’t speak Russian, so I tell him:
- “Son of a bitch, why did you come here? “Who called you to this land,” I point my finger at the ground,”?

And he answers:
- “If I had refused, they would have killed their own people, because it’s war.”
- A plaque is a fly, believe it or not, I understand everything. I think it’s not like fighting next to them, and you learned German by yourself? I ate everything, he shook off the rag, carefully folded it and put it in his backpack. And he told me, of course, in German:

- “I don’t shoot.”
- For the life of me, I understand! I tell him: “Don’t be afraid, go with God, I’m not a scoundrel.” I speak Russian with him, he speaks German, we understand as if on our own. He went left, I went right. And myself... my whole life passed in my head. I think, what if he lied and now he’ll shoot you in the back and that’s it..., you went through the war and now the Fritz will screw you over so stupidly. I’m walking, and in my brain I’m already seeing a picture of him firing a burst at my back, of me falling, my arms scattered beautifully to the sides. My nerves were on edge, I couldn’t stand it, but I turned sharply, as if I was going to fire a burst in the back. I see him falling so slowly, like in a slow-motion film, so slowly. The satchel also falls off the shoulders so slowly and first the satchel is pierced onto the ground, and then he... Guy, do you have an extra cigar?

- He shot himself.
- Well, move on. They walk around here, smoking under their noses. So that means further, yes, but where did you stop?
- How he fell.
- Who?
- Fritz is yours.
- He fell, which means, I understand, the Fritz didn’t lie. He didn’t want to shoot and believed me. To escape from that damned clearing, but..., alas, you cannot escape from yourself. He came to me at night, as if alive, standing in the doorway and looking at me. I said to him: “Get lost, get lost,” and he smiles. He says, in German, of course, well, I understand everything, so he says:
- “I’m not offended by you, brother.”
And smiles. I tell him:
 - “Why did you come, I killed you?”

- “Okay, let’s talk.”
- “So, you were killed?”
- “Killed, killed for everyone, but not for you.”
- “Yes, forgive me, for God’s sake, my nerves couldn’t stand it, I thought you were going to spank me now?”
He smiles and comes up to me, sits next to me and says:


- “Forget it, I’m not offended, everything is fine.” It turns out that they are fine, too. That's what he said: okay. I think this happened once and will not come again. And he comes every night and we talk. Everyone decided that he had gone crazy, I was talking to myself, and I was taken to the hospital; I had been lying in this suspicious department for a year now. And that one keeps coming, I’m used to it. He's like a brother to me.


Sometimes I wait for the night. Got used to it... We have whole conversations with him. I’m thinking, I’m taking pills, one fine day, ugh, night, it will take it and disappear. I don’t even know how I can live without him, without this Fritz? It will probably be boring. Our conversations are so interesting. Yes, and this is, as it were, proof that there is no death. What do you think? Oh, are you sleeping?
- Think.
- Well, what do you think?
- Is she there or not, I think?
2005