Double-barrelled

Русский вариант - http://proza.ru/2008/08/24/73

- My God!!! Oh my God!!!
I sat up in bed, in front of me, in the doorway, stood a man, we were separated by the back of my mother’s double bed, which had metal balls at the ends. The light was on.
- Where did you come from here?! – the man asked indignantly. - girl, what are you doing here?!
- I live.., I live here.., this is my mother’s bed, I sleep here...
-Where is mother herself?
- At work...
The man walked up to the table, put a chair opposite and sat down.
- Well, what about father?
“We don’t have a father, but in that room,” she nodded into the dark doorway, the entrance to another room, “my brother is sleeping.”
“I see...” he turned his head towards the room, “and how old is your brother?”
- Five years younger than me.
- And how old are you, skeleton?
- Eleven.
- Eleven.., I thought nine? Why is the door open?

The man was about thirty-five years old, and at that time I didn’t really understand the years of people after thirty, but I think that’s exactly how much. He was long, thin, wearing a dark shirt and dark trousers. There was almost no hair, apparently the head had recently been shaved and the hair had grown everywhere the same by one centimeter. Neck, arms, everything was just as thin, and should he be surprised at my thinness? But still, he is an adult, I am a child, he asks questions, I answer. I fixed my gaze on his hands; on the back there was a blue tattoo with the rising sun, and below the inscription: “Siberia”.

- It was closed, but if you pull the door, the hook comes off.
“You have to lock yourself with a key,” there was fatigue and sympathy in his eyes, “since such a hook...
- It can only be locked from the outside with a key, but not from the inside.
- You’re thin and covered in ulcers, why are your hands so bitten by mosquitoes?
- No, the cats brought in fleas again, every summer it happens, tomorrow I’ll pick wormwood grass, the fleas will run away immediately. Scabies in winter, fleas in summer... it's always like that...
- You're skinny, do you even eat anything?

- We eat, my mother carries sick soups in cans, sometimes porridge, even butter and cheese. And skinny, I have worms, sometimes they even crawl on the sheet, my butt is all bitten, but I can’t get it out, pumpkin seeds don’t help either. Maybe because grandma didn’t give them enough?
- Yes, she gathers everyone, is she either kind or stupid? Are you a client of our prostitutes, have you come to see Tanka and Galka?
He lowered his head and looked at the floor and said:

- I came to Tomka, I’m Marinka’s dad.
- And Marinka is in an orphanage, she was taken away from Tomka.
“I know..,” he sighed, and continued, stroking my eyes, “while he was there.., well, in general, at the “resort”.. Tomka turned from a normal woman into an alcoholic, a drug addict, became a drug addict and got to your ...,” he fell silent and still said, looking into my eyes, “a brothel"...

I lowered my eyes to the blanket and began to finger the edge with my fingers. The man felt that he had said too much to me, a child, and tried to quickly change the subject, the word flew out, you can’t take it back, and it’s not my fault, since fate has thrown me into these very conditions.

“I visited Marinka today, can you imagine, she’s considered a math prodigy, she entered second grade with straight A’s, and she accepted me with understanding.” She asked me to take it, saying that we would all live together as before... This is the kind of daughter I have, I should be proud of her, but already, an innocent child, I had to see so much... Will my mother be there in the morning?

- I don’t know, she rarely comes, and in general, she flies in, beats her, leaves the cans, does the laundry, and at five in the evening she goes back to work for two days. We rarely see her, and it’s good, she often carries lice from there, sleeps with the children in the same bed at night, and then walks around with dust on my head.

He looked into my eyes carefully and listened to everything with understanding:
- Nothing... sometimes they even find gold in the trash..., look, Tomka, she grew up in good conditions, surrounded by the love of her parents, good brothers and sisters, and what a character she turned out to be. Nothing.., girl...
After thinking a little, as if he were looking at the cracks in the floor, he suddenly perked up and continued:

- When did your mother leave for work?
- Tonight.
- You’ve been talking for two days... so that means she won’t be there tomorrow?
- Yeah...
- He leaned over and put his elbows on his knees and continued to speak almost in a whisper, looking into my eyes:
- What's your name, skeleton?
- Tanya.

- Tanya, you will be at home tomorrow, I will come with a gift?
- I will, where am I going, it’s the holidays, isn’t it? I run to get wormwood in the morning and stay home all day. Well, if you want to give me a book, then I’ve already read “Timur and His Team”, I love adult books.
- I.., well, in general.., it won’t be a book, but you really need to have it, really... Go, close behind me.

The next day, in the morning, I didn’t find wormwood, where I had been finding it all years, well, it’s gone and that’s it, but the body is all bitten, or rather eaten away to the point of ulcers... and I should look in the front gardens. But he will come, this man, Father Marinkin, I promised to be at home, didn’t I? And what a gift, it’s someone else’s to me, there are never birthdays, although the whole world celebrates New Year, I never receive any gifts, but here..., completely alien, and suddenly a gift? What if he buys candy?

Damn.., that would be nice, and why didn’t I tell him that I love “sea pebbles”? Ha, he will be dragging himself here with “pebbles”, probably chocolate ones?! Exactly, chocolate “Alyonushka”, or “Bear in the North”, no..., it would be better to just have a waffle cake, or a roll with poppy seeds. What a gift, I wouldn’t forget, I promised it. Wow, it’s someone else’s and suddenly a gift? God!!! No, this can’t be..., he’s Marinka’s father, the girl... and I’m also a girl, he can’t do this to me, no...

Igor was in the kindergarten in the morning, and I was sitting in the yard, reading a thick book “Sherlock Holmes” without beginning or end, and even without a cover, for probably the hundredth time, and was waiting for a guest with a gift, although... I might have forgotten. Grandma's little girl Gerasimovna and her roommate Vovka went out onto the street. Gerasimovna was many years old, I don’t know how old, maybe gray-haired or blonde, but my grandmother looked much younger and more beautiful than her. Gerasimovna was a drunk, and my grandmother was just a fool.

Gerasimovna had a daughter, my age Valya, who sometimes visited her on Sundays, but her mother was drunk every time and Valya, carefully covering the bare place with her mother’s blanket, around which Vovkin’s sperm and others had dried, went back to the orphanage in tears. Gerasimovna had a son who served in the Army, and when he returned, he would kiss his drunken mother from head to toe, punch her young partner Vovka in the face for reducing his mother to the appearance of a pig, and leave, get a job, and take sister Valya from the orphanage.

Vovka and Gerasimovna went out onto the street. They were in a great mood, they wanted to joke, that’s for sure, they wanted something, probably everything that they hadn’t tried yet, and the only thing they hadn’t tried was sex in front of a child, someone else’s child, the state had taken away their own a long time ago. Vovka, he was a Muscovite, he met this aunt, who was older than his mother, while serving here without leave, and after the army he did not return home, so he slept with her. They stopped in the middle of the fence, and laughingly began to call me..., first Gerasimovna:

- Tanka, look.., study.., it will come in handy...
I looked in their direction, she was kneeling in front of Vovka on the ground, Vovka’s pants and underpants were lying on the ground, and Gerasimovna took his penis into her mouth as soon as I turned my head. I turned away. Now Vovka continued to call me:

- Hey, ****, if you don’t study, I’ll catch you and fuck you.
As soon as he said this, the most selective swearing was heard behind my back, it was that man, he was going towards Vovka with Gerasimovna, it seemed that he was going to kill him, there was so much evil in this man’s face. They quickly dashed through the door, and the man kept sending obscenities after them.

He came after lunch. In his hand he had something long, wrapped in a gray rag, in another parcel box, also covered with the same rag, but smaller, and a net was hanging from his palm, and in it was something wrapped in newspapers. If his hands weren't busy, he would probably have caught up with both of them and beaten them up.

- Well, Tanyukha, I hope that you will never need my gift, and if you do, you will get a couple of years in prison for illegal possession and use, but you will not lie two meters in the ground. Brother where?
- In the kindergarten, I’ll only pick you up in the evening.
-Let's go into the house and look at the gifts.
A double-barreled shotgun lay on the table and the parcel box was full of cartridges. They were new, long, shiny, and it was hard to imagine that people and animals were being killed with such beauty. He hung the net, with something wrapped in newspaper, on the edge of the back of the chair.

- Tanya, you understand, it’s dangerous to live here, terrible things could happen to you. And the gun, well.., I don’t know.., it’s safer with it.., maybe it won’t be useful, I hope.., but still, it’s your gun.., I insist that you take it. Now I’ll teach you how to shoot, let’s fire once, okay? Otherwise, the neighbors will realize that you shot and you have it. Once you shoot, they won’t figure out who shot and where.

He showed me how to insert cartridges into the barrel, I inserted them myself, showed me how to hold them and how exactly to rest them on my shoulder. We went out into the yard, the man walked to the barn, he himself ordered me to stand at our door, closed the barn door and, coming up to me, began to teach me again how to hold a double-barrelled shotgun correctly.
- In general, gently press the chicken and try to get into the middle of the door, into the very middle, into that gap over there. What's in the middle, see?

- Yeah, what if I don’t hit it?
- I hope you get through the door? And that's okay. Don’t close your eyes, just squint your eyes so that the target can be seen more clearly.
I fired. A shot rang out, neighboring dogs barked, a couple of birds flew up into the air, but no one was curious, no one came out of the grandmother’s neighbors and tenants into the yard. We went into the house. He was pleased.

- Damn... shoulder...
- The shoulder will endure, but life is more valuable. Hard to learn, easy to fight! No, it didn’t hit the crack, but it hit your enemy in the stomach. Tanya, you need to hold it a little higher, higher..., a little higher.
- It's heavy.
- Come on... you’re carrying buckets of water from the pump, coal isn’t heavier, is it?
Then this guy put another lock on our door, now it could be locked from the inside. He had everything he needed in the net, not chocolates. They found a place with him, right next to the door, a nook, they put a box and a gun there, and put it bent in half further away.

- Mother won’t find you?
- No, she never looks here. We don't have anything we need here.
- Go to the barn, bring back unnecessary rags from there, we’ll cover you more reliably.
- No, everything in the barn is stinky, with mice, the grandmother collected this for kindling from the trash heaps, I’ll look in the chiffon, don’t worry, I’ll cover it well.
Ten years have passed...

The grandmother died, her son dispersed this whole viper, and let two single women with small children into his legal half, which he received as an inheritance. I grew up, though, what did I grow up there? I’ve gotten older, but I haven’t grown that much in stature, with such and such nutrition... My mother had just gotten together with a man and for a very long time I had a rough idea where she lived, it’s near the regional hospital, but where? They haven’t invited me to visit yet, although I introduced them, this is my friend’s uncle. After school, Igor immediately went to Leningrad to live.

She herself was already working, or rather serving in the army, wearing a uniform. I met a lieutenant from a nearby military camp and fell in love with him immediately and forever at first sight! He came to see me on weekends, but I especially loved visiting him. Although Sasha lived in a hostel for bachelors, we managed to find a place for our days and nights with family friends. I don’t know about him, but for me, my visits to him were like one instant, my moments of happiness that remained for the rest of my life in my heart.

It was winter, it was Saturday evening, at that time Saturdays were working days. Tomorrow my beloved could come, we agreed that he would come, of course, if he was not on duty in the unit or.., well, in general, if he was free. I had already washed the floors and went to the door to quickly rush out into the street and pour the dirty water out of the basin. I just pulled my hand towards the hook when I heard someone shift from foot to foot, it was winter..., the firewood was lying in the hay, a sliver of wood clicked under the foot.

- Who's there? – fortunately, my voice turned out to be rude, almost peasant-like, out of fear.
There was silence behind the door.
- Who's there?!
I repeated, yeah, they thought I was a grandma, trying to speak as loudly as possible.
- Grandma, open it.

It was the voice of a guy, someone else spoke quietly next to him, then someone else, apparently conferring with each other.
Immediately they began to pull and break in the door, the hook flew off, I rushed into a nook to look for a gun, but neither the box nor the weapon was there. HORROR!!! The hook dangled and the wooden door shook, but... did not open! It was as if someone was holding it from the inside, they were tugging at it, they were knocking on it with their feet and bodies, no... it didn’t open... Well, I just closed it with a hook?! This can't be true! This simply cannot be! Incredible!!!

Mysticism... or maybe she closed it and forgot? Surely, apparently the key doesn’t open? What to do, what to do?! Knocking on the wall? No, they themselves won’t come running with the children, they themselves are afraid, what about the women? After all, there are senkas on the latch, so they passed from the grandmother’s side? But why, what do they need? The door shook, they threatened, but to no avail. Not finding the gun, I rushed into the room and from there began to say in a rude voice:

- Sasha.., Kolya, get up..., they’re breaking in here, but just don’t kill them, they’re young in voice, you’ll still get imprisoned for brats. Kick them in the balls once, but don't kill them!
She tried to sound louder and barked in an even ruder voice:
- Who needs the ***?! Now I'll hang them by the balls!
- No, please, they are someone’s sons?!

They became quiet behind the door, then exchanged a few words, and after hearing the phrase behind the door: “Mother, where are the cartridges?” - gone.
Yes.., it’s scary to imagine what they would have done to me and probably would have killed me, because I would have seen their faces, which means that tomorrow the police would have taken them. I walked up to the door and pushed it lightly with my palm, the door easily immediately opened into the hallway. It was not closed!!! But someone was holding the door?! Our door has never jammed in my life, not once!!! What is this? She left the water standing at the doorstep until the morning, rushed to her purse, and having found the key, she immediately locked the door. At the first meeting with my mother I asked her:

Where is my gun?
She answered indifferently:
- I remembered, hello, ten years ago I gave him to the police. Found it and demolished it, it wasn’t enough to get fined for having a weapon in the house. Where did you get it from, and even a whole box of cartridges? I'm surprised how you didn't become bandits? The ten-year-old has a gun!

- Mom, how could you, this is my thing?!
- A ten-year-old has a gun – my thing?!
In the spring, in May, I married my beloved Sasha. He left for the unit first, and I was running around the city, busy with business, checking out of my grandmother’s house, taking my papers from the unit, signed to serve for two more years, but already in my husband’s unit, saying goodbye to my colleagues and friends, packing a suitcase with things.

In the city I met Tom. Wow, we haven’t seen each other for so many years, and suddenly? We had this conversation.
- Tanya, can’t I recognize you?
- Tom.., here’s the news, and you’ve gotten prettier!
- Well, yes, I’ve already recovered and work at a factory.
Toma remained as thin and long, only her face was not as pale as before, and she looked like a healthy woman, freshened up, became more feminine, had a haircut that suited her very well, and had barely noticeable makeup on her face.

- Tanya, how are you doing?!
- Tom.., I am the happiest woman in the world, I recently married an officer and am leaving to live in Chagan! You know, I love him madly! And he likes me!!! Can you imagine, I never thought... that such things even happen, such feelings?! He loves me, loves me, loves me!!! He's incredible.., what's up, here's the photo, look!!!

Toma looked at the photo.
- Yes, a handsome guy. Probably like it was with Yura and me. The roofs also came off and they lived well until he was imprisoned.
- Is this Marina’s father? His name is Yura?
- His name was Yura. He was killed... a long time ago. How do you know him? Hey, Tanya, if you’re not in a hurry, let’s go to the park and sit on a bench?
We stood outside the park, immediately went to the nearest bench at the entrance and sat down. Toma continued.

- Marinka graduated from school with a gold medal. She entered medical school. After the orphanage they gave her an apartment and decided to live together.
- So they never returned it to you legally? Are you working and cured?
- They didn’t give it away...

Toma sighed and lowered her head. There was silence. I turned to her.
- So her father's name was Yura? And why was he killed, when?
- Yes, how he came back..., his own... Can you imagine, aren’t you a fool? He stole a box of ammunition and a gun from his own bandit, and immediately took it to the police. The bandit did not realize his loss, but the police came and accused him, saying that, as the examination proved, a man had been shot with his gun. He gave out the owner's number. They immediately identified mine, and they beat me for so long that it was difficult to identify the corpse.

So... My fool Yurka, why did he have to hand it over to the trash? After all, you knew how it would end? Marinka loves him very much. We would all be living together now, of course, if he hadn’t gotten married during this time. Yes.., Tancha, so you got married? Congratulations!

We fell silent. I understood everything, my mother found the gun immediately and immediately handed it over. Right here! And Yura died because of her, or maybe because of me? Should I have hidden it in the barn? But they would have found it there, and how would it have protected me if it was buried in the barn?

- Tanya, why didn’t it work out between you and Seryozha? Why didn’t you like my brother, he loved you so much? At his send-off to the army, were you in the place of his fianc;e, next to him? Seryoga is no worse than yours, and he’s tall, he still floats today, now in the Baltic Fleet. Would you live in Tallinn now? He even named his daughter Tanya, can you imagine?

- I know, I met your Natasha and asked the same questions in exactly the same way. You know, Tom, I don’t have anything to do with him, and I didn’t have anything then. Perhaps the time has not come to fall in love, or maybe it’s not my destiny? And she was on the wire against her will. She and my mother agreed, I was walking from the institute, the car took off and taxied towards me, two guys pushed me into the car, I didn’t even notice how, but your mother was sitting in the front seat and asked me, as a gift for Seryozha, to stay near him on the wires. He suffers a lot because I didn’t agree. The car was already driving towards your village, what can I say, turn around? Moreover, his mother said that he could die in the army, they would take him to the navy, and in three years anything could happen. Where can I go? I was sitting next to her.

And then we went to a dance, one of his classmates begged me to run to her house, she needed something. We walked in, and she knelt in front of me: “I’ve loved Seryozha since early childhood, since first grade, but you don’t care about him, give him to me?!” We agreed that we would write together, I would rarely write and I would quit, and she would continue to write to him and wait for him from the army. And so it happened, isn’t she Sergei’s wife? Natasha said that she was a classmate.

-Tanya, but he wrote to you more often and didn’t spend the entire vacation at his mother’s house, but immediately rushed off to live with his aunt, in the city, and spent all the time with you?
- Oh, what kind of letters he wrote and how often, and poems!!! And I sent photos often. But.., Tom.., he told me on vacation that three girls fought because of him in Vladivostok, he told me that, can you imagine?

- So what? So what?
- This was a reason for me to break up with him. I’m going to my husband tomorrow, I love him very much, what kind of life would Seryozha have, he would feel that he wasn’t loved? Especially on voyages for half a year? How would he suffer and what would he think, but here his faithful, loving wife is waiting?

- Tanya, he still loves you, he was visiting his mother and when his wife was with her family, he cried! You see, I cried! He and Yura are the same, monogamous, Yura loved me deeply, and Seryozha loved you. I know what it is, the way we had it with Yurka will never happen again with anyone! Why, how is this one of yours better than our Sergei?!

-Toma, my soul chose Sasha, I am very happy! I love and I am loved!!! Tom, understand, he will meet me tomorrow, he is waiting for me, he loves me no less than Sergei! But we have mutually!

The next day in the evening I arrived in Chagan. My husband didn’t meet me, and when I entered his dorm room, like a wife, I saw him with a photo in his hand of some naked girl on the seashore. He said to my eyes: “I never loved you, I don’t love you and I won’t love you! I have always loved her, I love her and I will love her!” He went to the wall and pinned this photo above his bed.

That's it... The gun didn't save me. The person I loved killed me with just words. Who writes these lines? I..., but this is my corpse, my ghost, shadow..., my reflection in this reality. I’m not there... Someone lives for me out of inertia, but it’s not me. They killed me with words, and.., Yura.., a gun will not always protect you, you died in vain...

2008