How do I relate to God?

Answering Lora’s question, I could not tell her the truth. Lora is a wife of the Evangelistic missioner. They came to  spread religion in non-religion country.I rent a room by them, then stuck there with pandemia. We get many discussions. I see religions as a harmful thing as every religion thinks they are the right one and the rest are wrong. Lora and her husband also thought that way.
 
Yesterday on Easter Day I was listening to the Russian Evangelistic pastor. He was very sincere and very emotional. He said that.
“ We people are big sinners. God was in rage and wanted to burn us all in Hell. But he didn’t want us to vanish, so he sent his son to die for us and save us. And now I know that Jesus died for me. He experienced  MY  own personal Hell and no human being is capable of that.  Only the Son of God could fit in himself the suffering of millions of people. Nothing could compare with that: no any people’s  achievements or suffering or sacrifices could change anything. If we, people , were on the Cross we’d just die and go to Hell, nothing would change.  We’d die not in our bed, but on the cross.
We would come to Hell and talk to God and he’d say that you lived your life in sins and with those sins you came to Cross  with  those sins  you experienced that Cross and what?  Nothing -nothing changed.  Payment is not done and now you have to pay for your sins anyway. Now you’d be forever in Hell under my Rage .
But Jesus is different. He is not a Sinner, he is eternal, he  took  the whole Hell into himself. And what am I, a human ? Nothingness, a miserable sinner! My soul is full of huge Guilt. What could I bring to God, if I insulted him so badly?  My stinky righteousness ? To such Huge Holiness?
 I thought he’d never forgive me. I thought he would forgive everybody, but not me as I’m such a bad sinner. The Rage is God is burning-that is right! I need to be in Hell! Justice demands me to be in hell-it is fair! But Jesus died for me. He got victory over Hell and over Death. And God decided to love me, although I don’t deserve it. Jesus went to Hell and preached there. And he got a victory over Sin and was resurrected from Hell because He is pure !!! And then we, people, were free from Hell and our sins!!!…And we, humans,  got that FAITH and that is the only Salvation for us
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I was shocked by such a speech.  Very powerful  and so tragic …..Russians need  Tragedy.
Well…for  me  going  with pure Faith is impossible. I need to get it through myself and it should make sense. Particularly that one brings a lot of rejection as Loving God doesn’t reconcile with Rageful  God.
I cannot reconcile the idea that God punished Adam and Eve for just not obeying HIM. Before eating from the Tree of Knowledge they were as little kids. They didn’t know Good from Evil. They just listened to their Father God who said “Don’t do it –you’d die” (Don’t touch the stove-you’d be hurt)
But kids are curious. They want to test the world on their own. Many parents do the stove hot, but safe and put a child’s finger to touch and experience on their own and so to teach a child to listen to parent’s “NO” That is what Loving one would do to those who he loves, so I have a problem here as well
So I prefer the Loving  and Caring God –that is all. What about my sins? Well I have Life and People around to handle the punishment
 I could feel God’s presence when I communicate with nature or kids or my clients, especially disabled kids.
Observing  those kids which mostly live in their own worlds, I saw strange things which point  to  their personal connections with God.  Once a knowledgeable Bible woman matched those  kids' deeds by actual lines  from the Bible.
Living in Macedonia it was very upsetting to learn that according to religious  beliefs those disabled kids are punished for adult sins and so parents prefer to hide their sins from the public by sending kids to their own parents to villages and keeping them there without any development…kind of similar to animal conditions.
From discussion with Christian priest I’ve learned that God loves those kids because they are like angels. They don’t know Good from Evil. And then I asked him if I’m doing harm to them trying to develop their minds which needs to know Good from Evil. So, I deprive them of God's love? He didn’t answer. And I think  maybe I will take the role of Snake?
At the same time, working with those low functional kids for almost 20 years I saw a lot of those attributes of humans which God wanted people to have. I observed how loyal they are, not betraying you in hard times, how grateful for being understood, how nice they treat each other and the most important is how happy they are when  given the opportunity for  development. They are happy and proud of their achievements and upset when  they fail. But all those things could be seen only if we forget about diagnoses and techniques, which educated specialists have to follow.
It could be seen only if perceiving a child as just a human being with some problems (and which human doesn’t have them??) will connect to that kid and see him through in order to help him to develop himself. Only if you’d rely on your own feelings and would use  agile  way to closely follow a child’s own path then you’d help him to develop it and get the result but most natural and harmless way of progress You would feel from a child a lot of gratitude coming your way
And so after thinking about Lora’s question and thinking about my failure in Macedonia I thought
 Maybe it was a punishment for me for kind of “playing God” coming to a religious environment, but in reality very much the one which substituted Faith in God with Faith in Money and tried to free those kids by preaching to people and trying to change their minds? But then another question arose
 Was it a punishment or something else?
And here is another side of my personal relation with God concerning People. For whatever reasons possible my grandparents were revolutionists  till the point they were sent to Siberia or by any other reasons I was born a rebellious fighter for the truth and justice. My very conformist  mother only made it stronger.
 Yet  from primary school. I was kind of a leader  in the area of justice. Then the leader’s part disappeared and I became « a  lone wrestler» deciding by myself, which battle to fight . I never involved other people in my fights taking all consequences to myself, having a lot of friends-supporter and of course enemies
And I knew what to do as if somebody was guiding me. What supported me a lot was always rule followed
«Harm set, harm get»
or

Don't do unto others what you would not have done unto you.
What always happened then in fights I cared only to get what I wanted to get then the fight was stopped…..and in some time I’ve learned that a person who did those troubles or harms was punished-got sick or lost job or something else
And then I felt that God was watching me and supporting me and loved me and showed me his justice and I expressed him my gratitude and felt myself protected
And really with the strange life I made to myself it's still surprising that I’m still OK and doing much better than those who have many things to rely on. And I was in many dangerous situations for life, but always survived and kept going
And now I got to the point that I lost almost everything  and somehow I realized that for the last 20 years when my son in law announced I was an Evil and my daughter betrayed me by joining him I do not feel any more God’s protection.
Nobody’s punished for doing harm to my life any more. I have no support, friends betrayed me and strange things happen all the time and most of them are negative
BUT
Why should I be surprised   ???
I did stop fighting  myself, I stopped being a winner. I learned from People to accept humility,  to reconcile with my troubles because I’m the only one who created them , and to forgive those who did harm me. I stopped being a fighter and started to learn to be a conformist with humility. Not completely, but still I started to try to go the regular people’s path. I started to betray myself . Still somehow even in the deepest troubled situations sometimes I feel God’s presence in my life, something I’d like to express my gratitude. But still I’d like to know what path I should go to be in peace with life situation and do something useful