To R. or the longest night ever

The longest and most terrible wait was this one. On the one hand, nothing at all hinted at troubles the days before, so I wasn't prepared for this. In contrast, I felt certain that the likelihood of seeing you was so slim that it could be zero. We learned how to round decimals. But it was very hard to round, so there was a chance of receiving 1 percent. I started frantically contrasting facts and situations. I hoped that these well-known units would at least generate some positive results. I wanted to calculate the likelihood that you would return at the last possible moment and that the known terms of this problem wouldn't dominate the final result.
You know what was most offensive? The result was clearly negative for me. And when rational thinking raises the white flag, what does a woman do? Yes, exactly! She starts searching for an illogical but reliable solution. She starts to have faith and hope in God. And I told God and myself that I would go meet him and give him a hug if he returned unexpectedly.
 The longest night was that one.
 It was also the longest morning.
 
I waited all night by the window overlooking the hotel entrance until I made the decision to let go of everything and acknowledge that I was nobody to him. I moved away from the window and fell asleep (with difficulty) thanks to this painful thinking. Though I couldn't admit it to myself anymore, I silently
 hoped. And all of a sudden, I thought you were already back. However, all of these impulses were blocked by my brain. I believed that I should take this soreness as a gift from the universe when I woke up early. I'm glad I haven't become attached to you yet because it will make it simpler to let you go.

Math is very helpless, you know. No amount of exact analysis can ensure that the response is accurate.
 Like a porcelain vase, my reality cracked into a thousand tiny pieces after falling from the sky itself. In these situations, we advise "letting it break for happiness." "LET IT!" I said.
I couldn't (and didn't want to) act like this was an ordinary meeting. I was trembling without considering what that meant, like an autumn leaf that surrendered to the wind. I wanted to give you a big hug. I wanted to let you know how much you mean to me. But as I held your warm hand, all I could say was that I was so happy you have returned.
"I'm happy you're happy," you say.
I got a feeling that there aren't any optimal scenarios. And from the outside, I saw it as someone else's life.
My life has never been filled with such perfect scenarios. And that made me joyful and afraid at the same time. 


30. 10. 24