Letters to you... December, 02, 2024

I'm longing for you deeply.
My love for you was never shallow enough to erase all the memories we shared. I miss your eyes, your touch, your scent… Writing everything down helps me cope with "Бестебяшье". But I have to admit—this time, it doesn’t hurt as much as it did before, my dear.
Waves of pain still come crashing over me. I have to develop some way to keep my sanity and resist the urge to email or call you. No matter how much I beg, your pride and cruelty keep you from showing empathy. I always knew you were capable of cruelty. Perhaps, one day, I’ll even be grateful for this.Your cruelty makes me tougher.
You were more than just my lover or boyfriend—you were my friend. The person I ran to, eager to share the little things I’d heard or experienced throughout the day. Yet, over time, I realized that while you listened, you were also silently judging me. Reading between the lines, making assumptions, and later turning those assumptions into baseless accusations.
You were my friend. My favorite person. You still are!
Balgozlum, when your friend needs to talk to you, you talk.
When pain overwhelms me and I try to reach out, is it really that hard to offer even the smallest bit of solace to someone you once claimed to love? You’re worse than a rehab center—at least there, patients receive therapeutic doses  of narcs. When a friend asks you for a call, you call, Birtanem. That’s what you do when Abe calls, isn’t it?
Looking back, I wonder—was I just a bridge between you and him, someone you needed when you weren’t speaking to him? And now that you’re talking to him again, I can’t help but think you might be sharing all our intimate moments with him. If that’s true, it would hurt me deeply.
I know you’ve always been jealous of him. But he’s just a miserable boy who will never find happiness because of his own choices. He thrives on pulling others into his misery. His charm and intellect mean nothing if he uses them to spread bitterness. Do you really want him to dictate your happiness, my love?
You blinded me when you said you didn’t have any close friends on our first date. I thought I will be your friend and i will be special.
 But I must face the truth—I still love and miss you deeply. I’m waiting for you to come back to me. Yet I know that if we’re ever to be together again, we both need therapy—preferably couples therapy. That’s the only way we can rebuild something healthy.
And yes, I still want you. Don’t ask me why—I just do. I’m not begging, crying, or even asking you to come back to me. That night, when the horror of the coming morning’s pain overwhelmed me, I wanted to run. But I should’ve stayed. I should’ve listened to you and my heart. But you needed to sleep; you had to wake up early the next day. I didn't want to exhaust you more.
The truth is, I needed you to grab me, hold me tight, and make me stay.
Right now, you’re riding high from the breakup, playing the lone wolf,  maybe enjoying your loneliness.
 But karma has a way of catching up with us all, and no matter how much you scoff at the idea, you’ll see.
A lot of people would love you, admire your charisma. But I embraced your darkness, my love. I didn’t just tolerate it—I accepted it. You judged me for my mistakes, for the family I left behind, for my ex and his mother. Yet, why did you stay with Emily during COVID? Was it not because there was no one else? And what did you do to Sara after she helped you through your father’s death? You discarded her as soon as you healed.
You’ve shown me who you are, Balgozlum. I can read between sentences as well, my love. A man who could do such things to others would inevitably do them to me. And yet, I loved you anyway. You said you became worse next to me, that I made you crazy, I am very sorry for that. I guess i was just on pray mood, and you were a hunter who hated himself for hurting me. I am convinced that you become worse because you couldn't hide from me your dark side.
 But even I saw the darkness you couldn’t hide, I accepted you as you were.
You judged me for my past and tried to convince me I was a bad person, a "sad girl." But if I was sad, it was because of your cruelty. I still loved you, even then. I told you countless times: I’ve lived life, made mistakes, learned, and won’t repeat them. And I meant it- as  I did when I told you " I don't know how long time i have left- a week, months or a year, I wanted to be with you! " Because You mattered to me.
 You even asked me " you mean it ?" remember? I did meant it, my love...
You complained I wasn’t “human enough” next to you, but that was only because I didn’t want to give you anything to judge.
Love is not a game, Canimin ici. It’s the greatest gift two people can share, given by fate, and it should never be taken for granted. But you treat it like a trivial pursuit, a chase for fleeting happiness. Happiness is fleeting by nature. Life is full of challenges, and true love is about facing them together.
Love and commitment take hard work. Many fail, blinded by pride and cruelty. I never gave up on us because I didn’t want to give up so easily. If we ran away from every conflict, we’d never truly find anyone.
Nobody is perfect, my love. Neither of us is. And yet, I still love you the way you are. Even those redneck firefighters you envy—they’re not perfect, nor are their wives. But they make it work, and they’re happy in their own way. We envy their happiness, but why can’t we create our own?
Why do we let others label our relationship as toxic and allow their judgments to dictate our hearts? What does your heart tell you?
At the volunteering center, I wasn’t offended because you were talking to that woman or intimidated by her. I was hurt because you didn’t introduce me as your girlfriend. I just wanted to be introduced as your loved one, Birtanem. Remember? “Give me one, and I’ll give you a thousand back.” That’s not crazy love, my dear—it’s the way your favorite people love.
When we broke up on my birthday, I asked for time until my mom arrived. And you also asked to stay together because you weren’t ready to be without me. You said "It feels like i jumped out from bridge" Do you remember that?
Looking back i realize that in those last months, every request I made was met with a resounding “No,” even before I asked. Why my love? Why were so "determined to not give me what ever i want?". Wasn't i doing everything to make you happy?
 Now, with the ballet, the Andrea Bocelli concert, and my wish to visit the Long Island aquarium on the horizon, I only ask for this: let me have these moments. Let my mom visit, and then, if you decide to break up again, so be it.
I know my kids , my school or my well-being are not matter to you that much. But for the sake of those beautiful moments, I gave you once- please let me enjoy those events.
Let me enjoy you once again.
Do it not for me, the adult one, but for the little girl inside me who misses you tremendously.
Yours sincerely, with love
Gulcatay.
P.S Please call me, if you can, and heal me with your voice.
" The voice, Afghan matchmakers say, is more than half of love" -G.R Davis "Shantaram"