To R. or the last one...

You must love as deeply as I do to triumph over me. Despite the painful crush of each feeling, I continue to embrace love.
I'm confused about why I keep going through this, and each time I'm so broken by cruelty that I'm in wonder of my survival after these terrible sufferings.
I'm unclear about why I've spent my life to the hopeless pursuit of real love.
Like a phoenix, I am constantly reborn, naively trusting in love, and I have no idea why I live with these wounds.
Like a blind guy who knows by heart every inch of his bed, every bend of his stick, every rustle of approaching steps, and every tone of his well-known voice, I am well aware of what this blow is. I am fully aware of it. I've had enough time to become familiar with every hurting phrase, every deadly silence, every terrible look, and every poisoned smile.
I know everything when someone looks at you, but in fact it is a cutting look through you and when your name is no longer pronounced as something easy and desirable, when the choice is always not in your favor.... I already know a lot - almost everything...
More than anything or anyone in my life, this pain is with me. I believe it to be a part of my soul, mind, or body. It seems likely that I will be unable to survive without it.
I'll die and never know what this pain is really about.
One thing I know for sure is that I can still love—love the way only I can.
I also know that if I had to pick between believing in you and our relationship, I would choose the first one.
I feel like I'm wishing you goodbye for the last time. It seems me that saying goodbye comes unexpectedly, just like when you're sitting on the sofa on Christmas Eve and you realize it's time to say goodbye.
My heart has changed into a tiny porcupine that is attempting to save itself by constricting into a tiny ball.
To keep from being hugged, my heart changed back into a tiny porcupine...


05.01.25