Celestial B. S. Inc. Apocalypse on Subscription

Celestial B.S. Inc. — Apocalypse on Subscription

(A musical by Anton Pakhunov for McSweeney’s)

Genre: Absurdist satirical musical with elements of rock opera, bureaucratic theater, and punk phantasmagoria.

Format: A stage play in three acts with musical interludes and one bonus act (Act IV — patch update).
________________________________________

ACT I — The Boardroom Before the End
Setting: A celestial office styled like a call center. Candles in fluorescent casings, portals instead of doors, and a coffee machine next to the altar.

Characters:
- Vortigon — Administrator Archangel, stern and exhausted.
- Gloria — Marketing Archangel, KPI-obsessed maniac.
- Zachariah — Cunning reformer, chaos ambassador, manipulative SMM guru, idealist in golden glasses.
- Cherub Intern — Na;ve, covered in caramel.
- Chorus — A mixed crowd of angels, demons, hell-clients, and fake bots.

Scene 1.1 — Emergency Celestial Committee Meeting (The room is chaos. Vortigon slaps his wing — silence.)
Vortigon:
“Zonkulator™ is in the paws of Behemoth the Cat. Hell is protesting the vegan menu. KPIs are in freefall. Who approved this beta-test of the Apocalypse?! Who clicked what?!”
Gloria (shuffling reports):
“I demand an audit! Repentance metrics are down. We’ve got fewer saved souls than subscriptions! New sins aren’t converting. Even the saved are unsubscribing from Eternity™! This is a strategic failure!”
Intern (meekly):
“I... thought it was just a ‘like’ button.”

Scene 1.2 — Song #1: "Cosmic B.S." (Punk rhythm, office choreography, angels with laptops instead of wings)
Angels stuck in cubicles, wings tied in knots, 
Filing halos with “Sign here” on the spot! 
“Prayers on delay — divine spam filter’s broke,” 
“Upgrade your cloud,” they joke, “for a poke!” 
…Cosmic B.S.! Blame the stars! 
Souls stuck in queues — “Your karma needs bars!”

Scene 1.3 — The Pitch
Zachariah (beaming):
“What if we didn’t lose control — we created a new market? Apocalypse as a Service! Eternity as a Subscription! Sins — as NFTs!”
Gloria (to a punk-rap beat):
Metrics divine, our targets are bliss — 
But all we achieved was infernal tofu kits. 
Demons want steak, want sin and thrill — 
Instead we gave them kale and ERP skill!
Chorus (with flashing “Error 404”):
Cosmic B.S.! Blame the stars! 
Souls stuck in queues — “Your karma needs bars!” 
“Renew your halo or face the abyss, 
Next life’s on hold — we lost your ‘bliss’!”
________________________________________

ACT II — Apocalypse as a Marketing Strategy
Setting: Launch stage with “End of the World™” banners and Hellstream Wi-Fi.

Scene 2.1 — The Zonkulator Demo
Zachariah (presenting slides):
“We’ve turned chrono-chaos into a customer journey. See this? ‘Error 404: Salvation not found.’ That’s not a bug — that’s aesthetic.”
Intern:
“But what if the cat eats it?”
Gloria:
“We’ll call it an innovation. Then sell it as an NFT event.”

Scene 2.2 — Song #2: "Let Sin Be a Trend"
(Zachariah shines like a startup god with “Sale -1000%” banners)
Zachariah (solo, manic bridge):
Let chaos be market, let sin be a trend — 
I’ll monetize rapture before the world ends! 
Salvation’s a product, damnation’s a scheme — 
And Hell? Just a brand for a caffeine dream! 
Redemption’s delayed, but souls will pay — 
Apocalypse? That’s just a sale day!
Chorus (variation):
Cosmic B.S.! Reboot the stars! 
Karma in debt — adjust your memoirs! 
“Redemption’s delayed — please scan your sin,” 
“Apocalypse is paused — insert soul PIN.”

Scene 2.3 — Collapse
Vortigon (panicked):
“This isn’t activation! It’s grid self-destruction!”
(Screen flashes: “Confirm Universe Deletion?”)
________________________________________

ACT III — Post-Subscription: Chaos as the New Normal
Setting: Crumbling chamber. A banner floats in the sky: “Thank you for participating. Reboot in 666 years.”

Scene 3.1 — Final Judgement
Voice of the Almighty (from a cloud-shaped plinth):
“Who is to blame?”
Gloria:
“Our KPIs weren’t adapted to new Hell ethics!”
Vortigon:
“Budgetary crisis — on wings!”
Intern:
“I just wanted to click ‘like’...”
(Cloud speaks in autotuned divine voice)
Voice of the Almighty:
“Error 404: Apocalypse delayed —
Your subscription’s expired.
Pay Devil’s dues today.”


Scene 3.2 — Final Song: "Apocalypse Delayed"
All (in chaos):
World end? Fill Form B.S.—‘Attach sin receipts!’ 
Click “I agree” — eternity repeats! 
Error 404: Apocalypse delayed — 
Your subscription’s expired. 
Pay Devil’s dues today!

Scene 3.3 — The End?
Intern:
“We… survived?”
Zachariah:
“No. We're on a free trial.”
Intern (quietly, chewing caramel):
“…Maybe we just start over?”
Chorus (resigned):
“…But don’t forget to subscribe.”
End Credits (on screen):
“Heavenly Bureaucracy™ — We ruin eternity. On schedule.”
________________________________________

ACT IV — The System Update
Setting: Beta-version of Paradise. Lobby Wi-Fi works only by prayer. Interface bugs appear in Latin.

Characters:
- Vortigon — Former gatekeeper, now UX designer.
- CherubBot v3.0 — Support AI. Speaks in emojis and memes.
- Gloria — Product Owner of the Underworld.
- Zachariah — CTO of the Apocalypse. Coder in a cult hoodie.
- Intern — Still chewing caramel. Now in charge of cache.

Scene 4.1 — Daily Scrum (Celestial Jira board open. Ticket: “Universe Reboot – in progress since year 0001”)
Vortigon:
“KarmaCloud™ upgrade failed. Angels fear the UI. Demons are now our lead testers.”
Zachariah:
“That’s a feature! Demons understand UX pain!”
CherubBot v3.0:
“Not a bug — divine intervention”
Intern:
“My apostle crashed…”

Scene 4.2 — Song #3: "Patch Notes for Paradise"
(Heavenly EDM, Latin bug reports, pipe organs)
Chorus:
Patch Notes for Paradise, Version Divine: 
- Fixed soul duplication (thanks, Mephisto9) 
- Updated commandments — now with tooltips! 
- Nerfed Free Will — too OP in PvP. 
- Added Dark Mode to Afterlife UI.

Scene 4.3 — Emergency Restart
(Banner floats: “Attention! Celestial restart in progress. Do not shut down prayer.”)
Gloria (panicked):
“We have a deadline for the End of Days! Who hit Ctrl+Alt+Sacrifice?!”
Intern:
“…I thought it was a status update…”
(Screen flashes: “Universe Rebooting... Estimated time: 9999999999999 years”)
Heavenly title fades in:
"Heavenly Bureaucracy™ — The Afterlife, Rebranded."
________________________________________

THE END