Lost and found in so many years

© Polina Roussou

She found him on the streets, a shadow of the man he once was. Her heart missed a bit. “No, can’t be. I am daydreaming.” She cast another look at him, his posture as he was sitting in the corner of a Bank entrance with his cape on the ground in front of him.  His face unshaven, a dull look, hands on his laps, oblivious to everything. The curved little finger on his right hand attracted her. She stiffened, not a motion. He turned his head, and their eyes met. The eyes, those still sparkling black eyes she loved so much. A ray of thoughts flew in her mind.

 “Valya?” She murmured, her voice soft with doubt.
She could see his approval though he didn’t nod his head.
 "How did you end up like this?" the words came out with great difficulty.
He waved his hand, a gesture that spoke volumes without saying a word. He dropped his head down as if saying, go your way. But she didn’t. She was frozen to the spot. To go away and leave him behind after so many years of dreaming and hoping `just to see him once more before good…no!

The picture of the past revived in her memory…he was 17, she was 16. They met at the bank of the river that flew in their town. She was in water half body trying to swim against the current. He smiled widely, a lanky boy, long legs, a mass of black hair and big black eyes. ‘Hey, what are you doing? The current is swift; you won’t be able to overcome it. Turn back.” She did and came out of the water.
The sand was warm, and she swirled in it. He approached. “I am Valentin and you? ‘He introduced himself in quite a brave voice.

’Olya,’ she replied softly embarrassed to lift her eyes. Then she quickly got up and joined her friends who were waiting for her to go home.
August passed, then school started, and Olya forgot about that incident. However, in November after the parade dedicated to the 39th anniversary of the Great October Revolution in the Soviet Union they met again. Valentin recognized her. “Hey, ginger,” he called out behind her.
 
She was not ginger; her hair was auburn but some familiar note in his voice made her turn. She was surprised to see the boy she had met at the river. They started talking and found many things in common. That was the beginning of their friendship which turned into sincere love. They studied in different schools located far from one another. Nevertheless, Valya always was at her house in the morning to see her off to school.
The school year passed. They were so happy being together, walking in the park, going to the cinema and then discuss the movie they had seen, they didn’t notice how time flew. Valya finished school and applied for the Military Academy in Riga. The parting was tragical for Olya, she even prayed he would not pass…and come back home to be close. He passed the exams successfully and was accepted to go on for another 5 years to become an officer of the Soviet Army. Olya had a year more to study. She dreamed of becoming a doctor and how they both would marry, have children and a very happy life. She dreamed… and standing by his side she issued a deep sigh.
 The man in the corner lifted his head which brought her back to reality.
He was shaking his head from side to side as someone who was experiencing the memories of the past that tortured him from inside.
 
“Well,” she thought, “he waved his hand and suggested I would leave him alone. Should I? Not this time”. She did it once, it didn’t bring her happiness, on the contrary, she never forgot about him. Her marriage to another man didn’t make her happy either. While Valentin was serving in the same city, she had a chance to see him twice during parades, in November and May when he was marching in front of his military unit along the square. And that was sheer happiness for her. His eyes always looked for her in the crowd standing on both sides of the square and when found greeted her the way the lieutenants saluted the general and followed her gaze until the unit disappeared in another street. Her heart would flutter; she loved him so much…

No, she wouldn’t go away. She softly asked, “would you like to talk to me in a quiet place? Would you?” She knew it would be a long story; one he wasn't ready to share. She waited to hope he would agree. Suddenly he got up, ‘let’s go.”
She took him to the hotel, a place of comfort and solitude, where she has been staying with her friend Elsie, since they arrived at Riga. The hotel was not far from the Bank, so they decided to walk. She hoped he would start talking but he kept silence deeply emerged in his thoughts.
 
He thought about his years at the academy eager to learn about everything he saw and learnt. The city was new and intriguing, there was so much temptation, museums, clubs, huge parties the Academy organized for the cadets and of course young girls, some of them were very available. His friends didn’t omit the chances and offered him to try. First time he was firm and devoted to Olya but then he gave up and his visits to the pretty girls turned into routine. He remembered and missed Olya, but she was far away, and the girls were close. From that time his letters rarely reached Olya with an excuse of lack of time.
Nevertheless, when he came on a leave Olya would wait for him. He longed her, tortured himself with desire but never made any approaches. He knew she loved him but would never allow anything but kisses. She was different from those he came close in Riga.
Olya felt intuitively that something was wrong between them but couldn’t understand. He became cold and distant.
 “Do you still love me,” she asked once.
“I do, but not as before”.
 He remembered how abruptly she turned from him and left.
He didn’t see her before he left for Riga, but his sister wrote to him that Olya knew he was seeing another girl while still being in the city. Pain and disappointment overwhelmed her, and she became closed for everyone, his sister wrote.

 Meanwhile they approached the hotel. "Take a shower, relax, and eat something," she said gently. "We can talk later."
He obeyed, disappearing into the bathroom. The warm water washed over him, easing the tension in his body. But still his reminiscences didn’t fade. They flooded his mind over and over. He couldn’t think about anything else but his graduation and what happened lately.

He proposed to Olya because she was the only one, he really loved. He remembered her happy eyes and the joy with which she accepted his proposition.
He switched off the tap with hot water. He needed a cold shower to realize again and again how badly he hurt Olya and how cowardly he behaved. 
The same evening, he told his father about his plan and hoped he would be happy for him. However, his father also a military man though retired, explained that marriage to a Jewish girl would take him nowhere if he dreamt about a military career. But Valentin did dream, he was dreaming of becoming a general of the Soviet Army, but it never occurred to him that Olya was Jewish and by marrying her he would never rise to a general. His father had forbidden their relationship with no further explanation, and Valentin gave up. The two of them had parted ways. He displayed cowardice and left without saying goodbye to Olya. That was the end.

He turned the tap off and gathered with his thoughts. I need to talk. I need to explain. Will she ever forgive me?
He emerged from the bathroom a new man. Clean shaven, neatly combed, the one Olya remembered and loved. She had ordered room service, and the aroma of food filled the air.
As they ate in silence, the past hung between them like a palpable presence. They hadn't seen each other so close in over 20 years, not since his graduation from the military academy.
 
To ease the situation Olya started first.
 
“I didn’t enter the Medical Institute I was dreaming of and decided to try the following year, but it didn’t happen. I became a teacher and then I met a man, who surrounded me with love and respect. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, we moved to Austria. My husband was lecturing biology at the university, and I was teaching at primary school.  We were happy but unfortunately, he got sick and passed away 5 years ago. Such a pity.  Since that time, I have been living on my own, but I have many friends and sometimes we travel to other countries.  I have long dreamed about visiting Riga because it somehow related to you.”
 I never forgot you and the way you betrayed me,” she said bitterly, “but with years I understood there were serious reasons you left without saying goodbye. Your sister told me everything.  I am not angry with you anymore.”
“Thank you, I was afraid you would never forgive, and I am really surprised after so many years you recognized me,” he said

“I recognized you by your curved little finger,” she smiled.
He grinned. “You haven’t forgotten about the accident then !?”
 “How could I? I regret it all my life. That was me who  slammed the door of the car while you had your hand on it.”
They both laughed.

“My story is a bit longer than yours, but I will try make it short. I had risen through the ranks of the Soviet army, as I dreamed of, only to be dismissed by false accusation and lose everything. I won’t go into details because this is another story. My wife had left me, and I had turned to drinking, losing all I had left. By that time The Soviet Union collapsed, and I had no protection. I couldn’t find a proper job, I have always been careless with money, so I found myself in the street with no hope to restore my identity. Then I saw you. It was a miracle. Perhaps God punished me by showing you what has become of me! I am ashamed of my look and situation. I would never want you to see me like that.”
She listened as he shared his story, her expression a mix of compassion and understanding. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I'm sorry things turned out the way they did for you."

He looked at her, his eyes welling up with tears. He had never forgotten her, and she had loved him all her life, even when married to another man.
As they sat together, the question hung in the air – could they rekindle their love, or was it too late? He reached out, his hand finding hers, and the touch sent a jolt of emotion through both.

In that moment, the answer seemed clear. They didn't need words; the touch spoke volumes. They would take a chance on each other, on the love that had endured despite everything.
© Polina Roussou