WARD ¹666
Shcheglova Olga (Boris Bidyaga)
WARD ¹666: ORTHODOX MILITARY PUTINISM
Album of satirical miniatures
INTRODUCTION
What lies before you is not just a collection of caricatures. It is an anatomical cross-section of the Putin era: Orthodox military Putinism as a form of collective madness. Here you will find icons with pagan gods, baptisms in trenches, holy water — administered intramuscularly. Here patriotism comes with a sock on the genitals, and the Pentagon’s combat dolphins swim freely. In these miniatures, society appears as one where war has replaced common sense, “traditional values” have replaced conscience, and Orthodoxy has become the “lubricant” for missile launchers. Priests bless violence, deputies trade in patriotism, and schools teach not to think, but to give birth and obey.
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ZERO-1. NOBEL CAPERS
An American bar.
The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and the US President, Donald Trump,
are sitting at a table, drinking beer…
Trump:
— Vova, after you took care of Navalny, your political scene is a total cakewalk. Smooth sailing. God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world.
Putin:
— Don’t be naive. Navalny was a nobody. All talk, no action. A glorified blogger.
Trump:
— Then why’d you have to wipe his whole organization off the map? For a nobody?
Putin:
— Donny, use your head. The man had no platform. Just a bunch of kids in the streets chanting curses at me. Is that a policy? Look at Lenin — now that was an agenda: factories for the workers, land for the peasants. This clown? Just insults. It’s… tasteless.
Trump:
— Yeah, stupid. A real amateur.
Putin:
— Precisely. In my entire career, only one man ever truly worried me — Boris Nemtsov. A real politician. Knew what he was doing.
Trump:
— So you had him whacked so he wouldn’t run?
Putin (scoffs):
— No. We wouldn’t have let him run anyway — the election commission would’ve seen to that. And for the record, I didn’t give that order.
Trump:
— But come on, Vova. Everyone knows it was your security guys.
Putin:
— We don’t do messy public spectacles anymore. That’s last century’s playbook. Why the drama and the headlines when you can make anyone… disappear? Quietly. Neatly. Anyone. Even a U.S. President.
Trump (shifting uncomfortably):
— Whoa, Vova, that’s not my war! That’s all on Biden. And you know I’m your friend. You know that.
Putin (in a mocking tone):
— I know. I see you twisting in the wind, playing both sides.
Trump (defensively):
— Vova, I swear on my life, I got nothing against you personally. Hell, I even get where you’re coming from. I just… I want that Nobel!
Putin (musing aloud):
— A perfectly understandable ambition. I’ve been thinking… why shouldn’t I have one? Next year, perhaps.
Trump (eyes popping):
— You?!
Putin (condescendingly):
— Donny, everyone has a price. Some are just cheaper than others. And if that doesn’t work… well, there are other levers. Threats, kompromat, blackmail… The machine is very, very efficient.
(A heavy pause hangs in the air)
Putin (with an ironic smile):
— You know, a Nobel would look even better on my chest than on yours. Just think of the headline: “War Criminal Putin, Nobel Laureate.” That is the ultimate proof of my power over the world. It’s even cooler than my army at the gates of Paris! That’s how you bend this cowardly Europe over and fuck it good and proper!
Trump (nervously):
— Hey, Vova, how about… I get the Nobel first, then you can do whatever you want with this cowardly Europe. Deal?
Putin (waves a dismissive hand):
— Fine. You first, Donny. Besides, I’ve got to get to Kyiv before I start collecting prizes…
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
ZERO-2. DOCTOR AIBOLIT. VERSION 2.0
Beneath a tree, so firm and fit,
Sits kindly Doctor Aibolit.
To clerk and cadet, he calls, “Come near,
I’ll mend your wounds and banish fear,”
Says kindly Doctor Aibolit.
Then Musa comes, a limping sight,
“A wasp has stung me in a fight!”
Then Portos groans, “I’ll tell you what,
A drone has blown my nose right off!”
A girl runs up, her cries are wild,
“My Vasya, oh my precious child!
He trod a path of mine-laid death,
And blew his legs from underneath!
My poor, lame son, in throbbing pain,
He writhes and whimpers once again!”
But Aibolit says, “Have no dread,
Just bring your boy up to my bed!
I’ll stitch new legs, strong and complete,
For marching down that mined-up street!”
So in they carried Vasya, pale,
A broken form, a tragic tale.
The doctor sewed with skill and art,
New limbs to play a deadly part.
His girl now dances, spins with glee,
And shouts, “A miracle to see!
Thank you, good Doctor, for your care!”
But hark! — hoofbeats fill the air,
From the east, a rider, Aksakal.
“An urgent note!” he gives the call.
“I cannot stay, I must be quick!”
And then he leaves with cunning trick.
“It calls you forth to Zhmerynka, go!
Our brothers die, their time runs low!”
“Are they wounded?” asks the saint.
“Yes, and covered in filth and taint.”
“They burn with fever, drown in tears,
Their bowels clogged with hopeless fears.
If you won’t come to make them whole,
We’ll dump them in a swampy hole!
For Putin gave his firm command:
On to the Caucasus, make your stand!”
The sun, the sea, the peaks so grand,
“Russian World” needs a saving hand!
That “Russian World”, now vast and eternal—
Mud, swamps, and sands in a cycle infernal,
Where the green men’s bootprints, deep and profound,
Are stomped into that consecrated ground.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
ZERO-3. PUTIN IN THE HALL OF TWO TRUTHS: THE JUDGMENT OF OSIRIS
A sacred ancient Egyptian temple. Inside, the well-known procedure of the Judgment of the Egyptian god Osiris, as described in the “Book of the Dead,” is taking place.
Also participating are:
• God Thoth (court secretary, with a clay tablet in his hands)
• God Anubis (forensic expert)
• Goddess Maat (prosecutor)
• 42 Egyptian God-jurors (wearing masks of Hitler, Mussolini, Lenin, Stalin, Beria, Brezhnev, Zhirinovsky, Dracula, the Devil, and other historical figures)
• The Russian President, Vladimir Putin (the defendant)
The hall is illuminated by flickering TV screens broadcasting the court proceedings. Putin stands by gigantic apothecary scales; on one scale pan lies a red paper heart with a gilded engraving: “Putin: 86%”. The other pan is empty, yet the scales balance each other.
Osiris:
— We begin the live broadcast of the most fair trial in the history of the universe! Today, on the Scales of Truth — the fate of the Great Guardian of Traditional Values! But first — a word from our sponsor. Presenting: the elixir of youth “Ambre”!
(Commercial break: the goddess Hathor drinks the potion and instantly becomes 3000 years younger. Voiceover: “Ambre: a sip leading to Eternity.”)
Osiris (addressing Putin):
— Do you trust this court? Any objections to the judges?
Putin (with a slight smile):
— Oh, Your Honor! How could I! The history of Russian-Egyptian relations… We have repeatedly provided aid… Forgiven debts… Built power plants… The Aswan Dam… Complete mutual understanding…
Osiris:
— Of course. We remember. The court will now retire to the deliberation room.
(Everyone remains seated, as they were.)
Maat:
— I object! You are violating procedure! The defendant has not yet recited the 42 declarations of innocence before the jurors: I have not killed, not stolen, not lied, not falsified weights and measures… and so on.
Osiris (reluctantly):
— Hmm… Very well. Defendant, tell us your autobiography.
Putin:
— Gladly, Your Honor. I was born an ordinary Petersburg kid — an average C student. And through my own persistent labor, reaping the rewards in the field of state service, I climbed to the pinnacle of power — became president of a great country. I pursued the most humane and just policies. In my decrees, I promised every citizen a separate apartment, free healthcare and education, high wages, and zero inflation. I established lasting peace in the warlike Chechen Republic. I became the world’s most generous donor. I built 20 oil and gas pipelines. My gas lights and heats the entire planet. I aid national liberation movements worldwide — supplying them with weapons at discounted prices. I distribute billion-dollar loans to poor countries and annul their debts a couple of years later. I give China my natural resources for a pittance. Thanks to my policies, the NATO bloc has significantly expanded its borders. I liberated the fraternal Ukrainian people from the tyranny of Zelenskyy’s fascist regime. I stopped the bloody slaughter in Ukraine.
(An ad pops up on the screen: “Gas for every tomb! Let life never end!”)
Putin (looks at the screen for a second, then continues with his statement):
— I launched the first man into space. My court composer wrote the immortal masterpiece “Swan Lake” [performs a few ballet steps to Tchaikovsky’s music]. Finally, I rid the world of Hitler and his fascist dictatorship. I toiled like a slave on a galley in the post of President for 50 years! I served a life sentence! I lifted my country from its knees. I sold the factories to the workers and the land to the peasants. I created the world’s number one army. I extended a helping hand and protected Russian-speaking compatriots abroad from arbitrary treatment: in the Baltics, Central Asia, and the Caucasus. We safeguard the rights and freedoms of Russian diasporas across the entire former USSR. Life expectancy in the country increased dramatically: I lived to be 98 years old. Medicine is developing at a rapid pace: I died not from illness, but from boredom. The patriotism of the younger generation is off the charts: my portrait hangs in every school classroom. Traditional values are taking root deep. We only have two-sex marriages. Divorces, abortions, condoms — banned. Lesbians and gays — stripped of citizenship. Opponents and critics of the government — all in prison. On Earth, peace; among men — complete loyalty. Is this not an idyll? I have established an eternal celebration of life in my country.
Osiris (smiling broadly):
— Enough. You are the quintessence of virtue. The court will now retire to the deliberation room.
(Everyone remains seated.)
Maat (angrily):
— Wait! You are violating procedure again… The prosecution has not yet had its say!
Osiris:
— Dear Maat, all in due time. A time to gather stones, a time to listen to fables. When it’s time for your fantasies [suddenly shouting], I will tell you! The court will now retire to the deliberation room!
(Everyone remains seated.)
Osiris (after a pause):
— Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please vote…
Maat (jumping up, brandishing her feathers):
— I object! The prosecution’s case has not been heard! The weighing of the heart has not been conducted!
Osiris (sternly):
— Dear Maat, the defendant’s heart was weighed in a special procedure. It has been found lighter than your feather. For it is as pure as the tear of an unborn infant! Anubis!
Anubis (producing a pre-prepared protocol from under his robe):
— The scales show zero point zero grams. Innocence is total and absolute.
(The scale pans suddenly begin to oscillate up and down spontaneously. Anubis grabs the pans, trying to balance them.)
Osiris (unperturbed):
— It’s nothing: perturbations on the Sun. The mechanism appears to be… weather-dependent.
Putin (staring into the emptiness above the gods’ heads):
— The machinations of Western partners led by NATO. They’ve even reached the Afterlife. Again, they are encroaching on our spiritual bonds.
Osiris (banging his staff on the floor):
— So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let’s vote. Do you confirm the defendant’s complete innocence?
Jurors (in unison):
— Yes!
Zhirinovsky:
— Clone him!
Brezhnev:
— Decorate him with an award!
The Devil:
— Canonize him!
Stalin:
— We are of the same blood!
Beria:
— I bow to you, Teacher!
Mussolini:
— Pleased to meet you, colleague!
Dracula:
— You know how to suck. Our kind of guy!
Osiris (ignoring Maat’s protests):
— The court announces the verdict: The defendant is acquitted.
Maat (waving a thick stack of photos in the air):
— Are you out of your minds? Here is the evidence! Murders! Abductions! Poisonings! Wars! Hybrid attacks! Falsifications!
(The evidence appears on the screen but almost instantly vanishes. The screen is covered with fine static. A minute later, an image of Putin against the backdrop of the Cathedral of Christ the Savior appears, immediately replaced by the cartoon “Dunno on the Moon”.)
Osiris (smiling):
— Esteemed gods! Let’s vote! All in favor of immortality, glory, and apotheosis for the defendant?
(All 42 gods raise their hands in unison. A commercial is broadcast: “The new ‘Pharaoh-Deluxe’ sarcophagus! Three colors: black granite, white marble, George ribbon.”)
Thoth (reading from the clay tablet):
— Approved unanimously! Death is revoked, eternal life is granted! The name “Vladimir Putin” shall be inscribed on the title page of the “Book of the Dead” in golden ink!
Putin (nodding):
— I thank you. This is our shared victory. A special thanks to my faithful dog, Anubis. He’s a good boy.
(Anubis wags his tail, embarrassed.)
Maat (in despair, dropping her feathers on the floor):
— Inconceivable! Unbelievable! I am filing an appeal with the Martian Intergalactic Court!
(She is dragged away under the arms by attendants with bear heads. The broadcast cuts out. The screen shows dancing Cossacks.)
Thoth (closing the case folder):
— Thank you all, you are free to go. The session is closed.
*Culturological Commentary
The miniature is based on the ancient Egyptian myth of the Judgment of Osiris. According to the “Book of the Dead,” the soul of the deceased was brought into the Hall of Two Truths, where it faced:
— Osiris — god of the underworld, presiding judge.
— Maat — goddess of truth and justice, the standard of purity.
— Anubis — jackal-headed god who conducted the weighing of the heart.
— Thoth — god of wisdom, court scribe.
— 42 God-jurors — each responsible for one specific sin; the deceased had to swear before each god that he had not committed that sin.
The main procedure — the weighing of the heart: the heart of the deceased was placed on one scale pan, and the feather of Maat on the other. If the heart was “lighter than the feather,” the soul was deemed pure and granted eternal life; if heavier, it faced annihilation. This ritual symbolized absolute justice and the impossibility of deception.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
ZERO-4. PROPAGANDA SUPPLEMENTS
Biologically active informational additives. Increase the bioavailability of state propaganda up to 100%. Active components effectively penetrate the blood–brain barrier (of critical thinking).
Product line:
• RT-Fake-Hallucinat, 100-500 mg tablets, extended release. Do not chew!
• Kremlin-Surrogate-Info-Syrup, standardized formula.
• “Simulacra of Christianity” Balm, with an odour of hatred. For external use only. Conditionally toxic.
• “Traditional Values” Alcohol Tincture, multi-component. Murky suspension with a cadaverous aroma. 40% ABV.
• RuMedia-FacTwister, powder for oral suspension. Hallucinogenic, with a taste of aggression.
• Kremlin-Ersatz-History, intramuscular injection kit, 100-500 mg. Versions 1.0–10.0 available.
• “Television-Past-Revision” ultra-gentle suppositories with a recto-informational itching effect. 100-500 mg.
• Bifilac-Info, 100-500 mg. An enzymatic medicine (bifido-lacto-Info-bacteria) to support the digestion of fake news, preventing indigestion and constipation.
Pharmacological action:
• Loyalty Stimulants: activate centers of submission and herd instinct.
• Hatred Agonists: stimulate the amygdala (center of fear and aggression). Boost norepinephrine to redirect anger toward external enemies, constructively relieving internal social tension.
• Analysis Inhibitors: suppress prefrontal cortex activity, responsible for critical thinking and logic.
• Empathy Blockers: deactivate the insular lobe and anterior cingulate cortex, suppressing all forms of empathy and compassion.
Not classified as medicinal products.
Standardized composition:
• Fakes – 50%
• Delusions – 20%
• Empty dreams – 10%
• Self-deception – 5%
Inactive ingredients:
U.S. president’s private life, celebrity gossip, African weather reports, UFOs.
Flavoring options:
Great-power chauvinism, ultra-right nationalism, flag-waving patriotism, ordinary fascism, blind hatred, “Obama’s a jerk”, “rotten West”, “Holy war”.
Colorants & enhancers:
“Traditional values” (premium), “spiritual bonds” (extra strong), “life’s become better & merrier”, “radioactive ashes”, “we will win.”
Administration and Dosage:
The daily dose is calculated according to the formula: IQ * 10 (mg). The maximum daily dose is 1300 mg.
Take before evening news broadcasts, V. Solovyov’s and M. Simonyan’s prime-time shows, D. Kiselyov’s “News of the Week”, Putin’s live Q&As, D. Peskov’s and the Ministry of Defense briefings.
Caution:
Hyperloyalty syndrome, sapio-deficiency. In case of acute outbreaks of common sense, doubts about the righteousness of state policy, or other forms of resistance to propaganda, “FORTE” version is recommended.
Vital signs monitoring:
Dopamine levels must remain within the state-approved range. Excessive emotional amplitude may cause euphoric loyalty syndrome.
Side effects:
Patriotic delirium, panegyrical logorrhea, uncontrollable vomiting with embedded slogans. A transient cloudy sediment (in the soul) may occur. In rare cases: ideological thrombosis, leading to acute cognitive failure.
To minimize side effects, increase dosage gradually. Do not exceed recommended amounts!
Special instructions:
Suspension recipe. Take 1/2 glass from any murky source, add 1 tsp of powder, stir. IMPORTANT: Thorough agitation of all kinds — required. Maximum bioavailability achieved in a state of controlled stupor.
Warning: not nootropics. Do not enhance cognitive abilities, only align them with state ideology. If accidentally ingested by an independent journalist or human rights activist, may cause an acute allergic reaction.
Shelf life: unlimited.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
1. PATRIOTISM WITH A SOCK ON THE DICK
A military enlistment office, Russia. Two officers sit at a desk, facing a pop singer.
First officer:
— Half a million of our guys — dead or crippled at war! And you — enjoying yourself with a sock on your dick at some “naked” party?!
Singer:
— Guilty! Tomorrow I’m going to Bakhmut… with a concert!
Second officer:
— That’s right! Tomorrow you are heading to Bakhmut. As an assault trooper!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
2. VICTORY TRASH: TURN IN YOUR CANS! EVERY TIN LIGHTS THE WAY!
Russia.Typical Moscow apartment block, elevator hall.
A sign on the garbage chute: “Don’t throw away tin cans! Make a trench candle for front!”
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
3. FSB HANDBOOK: DISABLED PERSON + POTASSIUM PERMANGANATE = UKRAINIAN SABOTEUR
Provincial Russian city, police station. An officer interrogates a woman.
Officer:
— You made money transfers to Ukraine, didn’t you?
Woman:
— Yes, I sent $50 to my brother in Kyiv. He’s disabled, completely helpless, he needs medicine…
Officer:
— Congratulations, madam — you’ve just earned yourself a charge. Article 275. Familiar? Financing the Armed Forces of Ukraine. High treason!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
4. PRIVATIZATION OF RUINS
Ukrainian city of Mariupol, destroyed. Three women pray to a portrait of Putin before a new apartment block.
First woman:
— The war destroyed our homes. We sleep on the street.
Second woman:
— They built a new building, but the apartments are for sale.
Third woman:
— We can’t buy housing — we’re beggars now.
All three women, in chorus (desperately):
— Putin, help us!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
5. TUNGUSKA SPECIAL EFFECT: WE CAN DO IT AGAIN!
Russia. Moscow. Studio of famous Russian propagandist Vladimir Solovyov, on air. He talks with an even more famous propagandist — Margarita Simonyan.
Solovyov:
— The Yanks have gone too far. They no longer fear us! Outrageous!
Simonyan:
— Then we have to scare them. Here’s what we’ll do: a spectacular nuclear test broadcast live on TV! We’ll detonate a couple of cool neutron bombs, you know, medium yield. Just two pretty twin mushrooms over Siberia. Saving money, by the way, on the fireworks for Victory Day. Just to remind whoever forgot it: we’re all nuts here!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
6. THE BOOT AS A DEMARCATION TOOL
Press conference of the Russian president, Vladimir Putin.
A foreign journalist asks questions.
Journalist:
— Mr. Putin, why are your soldiers “defending the motherland” on the territory of another country?
Putin:
— That’s an optical illusion. Remember the rule: wherever a Russian soldier’s boot steps — that’s Russian territory. According to Russian international law.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
7. PRIORITIES: OPTIMIZATION THROUGH AMPUTATION
Russia, Moscow, the Kremlin, the President’s office.
A giant plasma screen on the wall shows the news. The Russian president, Vladimir Putin, and the Health Minister, Michael Murashko, sit at the table.
News report on TV: the new Russian budget increases healthcare spending by 30%.
Putin:
— I order to cancel all state programs for cancer treatment and free drug distribution. Redirect the funds to prosthetics production and warrior rehabilitation.
Murashko:
— As you command.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
8. WAR NETWORKS, PUTIN’S SURROGATES
Leisure center for pensioners in Moscow, Russia.
Two old ladies and an old man are weaving a camouflage net for the front.
Old man:
— I wonder what we’ll be paid with today?
First old lady:
— Looks like they’ll hand out those “Putin’s with us” chocolate bars again.
Second old lady:
— That’s not chocolate! It’s just soy!
Old man:
— Same story: first they promise chocolate, then they slip us Putin instead!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
9. ASYMMETRICAL RESPONSE (“YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING ANYWAY”)
Russia, Moscow, the Kremlin, the President’s office.
A giant plasma screen on the wall shows the U.S. president, Joe Biden, shaking hands with the Ukrainian president, Vladimir Zelensky. The Russian president, Vladimir Putin, is seated at the table with the Security Council Secretary, Nikolai Patrushev.
Putin (with cold fury):
— Biden gave Ukraine $3.5 billion in military aid. His HIMARS are setting my oil refineries on fire across the country. This is the last straw. We are not obliged to tolerate this kind of behavior. Give an asymmetrical response.
Patrushev:
— Yes, sir. How about we launch a “Prometheus’ fire” over his favorite state? That’s where his son lives, and that idiot Kamala Harris as well. It’s his own fault — we warned him!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
10. FRONTLINE ACCOUNTING: WOUNDED = REVENUE STREAM
The Russian-Ukrainian front, a dugout HQ. The commander and his sergeant are talking.
Sergeant:
— Comrade major! We’ve taken losses — seven wounded are screaming in no man’s land. Should we evacuate them?
Commander (without raising his eyes from the ledger):
— Why? Leave them ‘in reserve.’ We’ll go on collecting rations for them. The main thing is that the headcount balances.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
11. PRISON HUMANISM ; LA RUSSE
A typical Russian prison cell. A severely emaciated, sickly prisoner sits inside. Behind him stands Russia’s Justice Minister Konstantin Chuychenko, holding the scales of Themis.
Chuychenko:
— In Russia, we have no death penalty. Our prisoners die in jail of their own accord — from shame and pangs of conscience. We are launching a new state program to humanely encourage voluntary departure:
— IV drips of repentance,
— The “Awakening of Conscience” diet (standard prison ration #1),
— “Patriotic Upbringing” aromatherapy (open toilet buckets in solitary confinement).
Russian justice is the most humane in the world!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
12. DEFENSE AGAINST COMMON SENSE
Russia. Moscow. The hall of the State Duma.
A budget discussion is underway.
First deputy:
— Half the budget for defense?! Are you out of your minds? What about healthcare, science, education?!
Second deputy:
— Our mission is the demilitarization of Ukraine! Sacrifices are necessary! You can’t print guns on a 3D printer, you know.
First deputy:
— But in reality, it’s Russia that’s being militarized — not Ukraine! We’ll all end up in military fatigues!
Vyacheslav Volodin:
— Debate closed! The budget is approved — unanimously!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
13. DEADLY WEAPON: A PLASTIC CUP
A Russian courtroom: the defendant, his lawyer, and the judge.
Defendant:
— I didn’t throw a stone at that officer — just a plastic cup!
Defense lawyer:
— We find the sentence excessively harsh! We demand leniency!
Judge:
— I see not the slightest grounds. The crime is obvious, though incomplete: first a cup, then a stone. A clear act of visual incitement to terrorism — a public demonstration of terrorist methods. Sentence upheld!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
14. THE SCOUNDRELS LAW: PREVENTIVE LOOTING
Russia. Moscow. The hall of the State Duma.
Speaker Vyacheslav Volodin delivers a fiery speech.
Volodin (in solemn tones):
— The foreign-agent scoundrels want to take away from us:
• the Crimean palaces (a symbol of Russia’s greatness!),
• the Donbas mines (long flooded, yet still ours!),
• the beaches of Mariupol (paid for with our blood!),
• the Melitopol cherries (our sacred strategic fruit!).
We will fight these scoundrels. We are passing a law on preventive confiscation:
• Apartments — for seditious appeals,
• Dachas — for slanderous fabrications,
• Bank accounts — for unpatriotic fantasies.
They have the arrogance to desire — we have the power to confiscate!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
15. DREAMS OF THE DNIEPER
The Russian president, Vladimir Putin, dreams, as though he and the Russian defense minister, Sergei Shoigu, were fishing on the Dnieper River in Ukraine.
Shoigu:
— The fishing here is excellent… Since time immemorial… Our river, Old Rus’… Mother Volga and Father Dnieper — all the waters of Rus’ came from them… As the great Russian poet once said: “The Dnieper is wondrous in calm weather…”
Putin:
— Indeed. By the way, a thousand years ago, right on this very spot, Prince Vladimir caught a giant Perch weighing over 100 pounds! It’s recorded in The Tale of Bygone Years!
(Putin awakens: drizzle, a nasty gray fog drifting over the Moscow River. He dials Medinsky.)
Putin:
— Vladimir Rostislavovich? Urgently include the Perch in the new history textbook! Yes, that very one… As a symbol… of Russia’s greatness. And make sure it has an illustration!
*V.R. Medinsky is a “history maker” on the Kremlin’s order, including for school education.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
16. UNIFORM WORKSHOP, A LEGITIMATE TARGET
Russian Ministry of Defense briefing led by General Konashenkov, chief of the Department of Information.
Journalist:
— Yesterday a Russian missile hit a residential building in Dnipro. A Ukrainian family was killed. How do you comment on this precise act?
General Konashenkov:
— I repeat, as a true patriot of Russia: the Russian army has never bombed and will never bomb civilian targets. Our investigation shows that it was a clandestine workshop for sewing military uniforms.
Journalist:
— Children were among the victims…
General Konashenkov:
— They were practicing how to embroider insignia.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
17. NEO-PATRIARCHY: EMANCIPATION CANCELLED
Russia. A confessional in a Russian Orthodox church.
Behind the screen, a priest. A young girl is confessing, sobbing.
The Girl:
— Father, I’m in terrible trouble, I’m pregnant! I don’t know what to do! I’m in my third year of university… I want to finish my studies… Who will raise the child?
The Priest (in a cutting voice):
— A woman has no need for education. So the Church teaches, so say the Holy Fathers. A woman’s vocation is to give birth and be silent. Obedience and motherhood — that is your future. And you will receive your reward in Heaven. Our latest Council has ruled: “Women’s education is a temptation from the Evil One.”
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
18. NO VICTORY WITH DICK IN HAND!
At the Russian-Ukrainian frontline.
Russian soldiers haggle with a prostitute. Nearby, a priest is preaching.
Priest:
— Masturbation! All evil comes from it! This whole war broke out because of masturbation! Repent, warriors! Cease your filthy sin! A real warrior holds a weapon, not his dick!
Soldier:
— If you knew, priest, what the whores charge out here, you’d keep your trap shut!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
19. LET’S GO TO THE MOON
A kindergarten in Russia.
The air raid siren wails. Children lie face down on the floor.
First child:
— How long do we have to lie here?
Teacher:
— Until our guys shoot down all the enemy drones.
Second child:
— So… a really long time.
Third child:
— Let’s fly to the Moon instead!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
20. “CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE IMPORTANT”
An official lesson called “Conversations About the Important” at a school in Russia.
Teacher:
— Now, children, tell me who you want to be when you grow up.
Tolya:
— I’ll be a pilot and bomb enemy cities.
Masha:
— I’ll be a nurse and carry the wounded off the battlefield.
Gena:
— I’ll be a general at headquarters, giving orders.
Teacher:
— And you, Vanyusha? Why so quiet? Tell us who you want to be.
Vanyusha (with a sigh):
— I’ll be hiding from this madness in a psychiatric ward, Elena Petrovna.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
21. DON’T PUSH ME — I’M VIOLENT!
A meeting of the UN Security Council.
Representative of Ukraine:
— Russia is a terrorist state! You bomb residential buildings, kill children, rape women, loot homes, and trample on the laws of war. The day will come when you are held accountable! Russia must be put on trial!
Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov:
— Fucking morons!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
22. YOUR LIFE IS PAID FOR. NO CHANGE, NO SURRENDER
The Russian-Ukrainian front. Far in the rear. Soldiers lined up. Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoigu addresses them.
Soldier:
— Comrade General, what if there are many Ukrainians, and I’m alone?
Shoigu:
— You must fight to the last bullet, son. If, God forbid, they take you alive — that’s a crime. Voluntary surrender.
Soldier:
— But I don’t want to die!
Shoigu:
— Your life has already been paid for. Generously. In full. No change, no surrender. Do your part — no change, no surrender.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
23. BUCHA: THE THEATER OF WAR — OR JUST THEATER?
UN Security Council meeting.
Representative of Ukraine:
— After the withdrawal of Russian troops from Bucha, hundreds of civilian bodies were found. Putin’s soldiers killed them!
Representative of Russia (shouting):
— Lies! There were no bodies! A Ukrainian production! This is no theater of war — this is a drama theater of war!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
24. JAZZ TODAY — TREASON TOMORROW
Russia. Moscow.
Dialogue in a typical city apartment: landlady, neighbor, policeman.
Neighbor:
— Our boys are dying out there, and here you are — listening to music! That’s discrediting the army!
Landlady:
— Not my fault those idiots went to the front. I didn’t drag them to the draft office! They wanted millions. Now they’re lying there.
Policeman:
— Plus incitement to hatred and hostility against members of the Russian army! That’s going to cost you dearly!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
25. S-300 FILLING — INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH
A dental clinic in Russia.
On the office door, a sign reads: “No filling material available!” In the hall, a dentist talks to a patient.
Dentist:
— Did you bring the filling material? We’re out of stock. Sanctions, you know. Right now, all we’ve got is S-300 construction cement. One-month guarantee — unless you die sooner.
Patient:
— You know what? I think I’ll just leave. The tooth doesn’t hurt anymore. Somehow, it just… disappeared.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
26. AT THE FORTUNE-TELLER’S: NUMBERS NEVER LIE
A young man in a fortune teller’s parlor in Russia.
Man:
— Tell me… Surely you can see when this war will end?
Fortune-teller:
— Of course. Let’s do the math… Today is… 25.05.25. Multiply… 25 ; 5 ; 25… In 3125 days.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
27. PALLIATIVE MEDICINE: HOLDING ON WITH PRAYERS
An oncology clinic in Russia.
In the doctor’s office: the patient sits on the examination table. The doctor, in a white coat, is bandaging his chest.
Patient:
— Doctor, when will chemotherapy start?
Doctor (indifferently):
— Not in this lifetime. The budget’s been cut. So… we’ll just tighten the bandage. Slows the metastases a bit. Nurse! Holy water injection! Hold on — we’re praying for you.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
28. RATIONS FOR REAL SOLDIERS
The Russian-Ukrainian front. Russian positions. A field kitchen. The cook speaks with the captain.
Cook:
— Comrade Captain, there are rumors… that the porridge has rat meat. And they say that all the canned meat was stolen by the staff officers.
Captain:
— Canned meat is a surrogate. A real soldier needs real food. And to silence the slanderers: we soak the meat in vinegar, add extra pepper to the porridge, and top it off with fried onions.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
29. NOT THE TSAR’S BUSINESS…
A press conference with the Russian president, Vladimir Putin.
Correspondent:
— Vladimir Vladimirovich, why don’t you go to the front line like President Zelensky?
Putin:
— Zelensky is illegitimate. If he gets killed, it’s no big loss. Besides, he’s just chasing cheap popularity. I don’t need that. My ratings are already high.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
30. THE MOTHERLAND OWES THE SOLDIER NOTHING — EXCEPT FUNERAL HONORS
Inside a military commissariat in Russia.
A large poster on the wall reads:
A conscript must bring:
• military uniform, helmet, boots,
• poncho-tent, sleeping bag, mat, backpack,
• night-vision device (“Owl”), binoculars, entrenching shovel,
• raincoat, warm clothes, first-aid kit, toiletries,
• three-day food supply,
• button phone, paper, pen, documents,
• and also an AK (if available).
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
31. INSURANCE AGAINST DISLOYALTY: CIVIL SERVICE WITH A SELF-DESTRUCTION CLAUSE
St. George’s Hall, Grand Kremlin Palace, Moscow, Russia. The Russian president, Vladimir Putin, presents an award to an official.
Putin:
— Allow me to present you with this personalized pistol, in recognition of your service to the Motherland. It will encourage you in difficult moments. It won’t let you falter. And, I am sure, it will be your salvation in any hopeless situation.
Official:
— I serve Russia! Ready to prove my loyalty — even at the cost of my own life!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
32. PUTINACEA FOR ALL TROUBLES: FEAR
PUTINACEA®
A combined broad-spectrum drug. Active against all oppositional microorganisms.
Pharmacological action:
Induces persistent fear, periodic fits of aggression, and bursts of patriotic enthusiasm. Inhibits centers responsible for critical thinking, empathy, and guilt.
Active ingredients include:
• NATO
• Combat mosquitoes
• Biolabs
• Zelensky
• Fascists
• Foreign agents
• LGBT
• Childfree
• Yankees
• Biden
•“Gayrope” (derogatory slang for Europe)
• Navalny
• Mythical “crucified boys in underwear”
Indications:
• Elevated self-awareness
• Excessive trust and compassion towards enemies of Russia and its people
• Persistent desire for answers to rhetorical questions
Proven therapeutic effect:
• Chronic dependence on television broadcasts
• Allergic reaction to truth
• Aggressive patriotic ecstasy
Overdose:
• Data not available.
Contraindications:
• None identified.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
33. A NET SACK OF TNT: NATO’S KILLER DOLPHINS STRIKE!
Session of the International Commission on the destruction of the Kakhovka Hydroelectric Dam in Ukraine.
Western representative:
— While no direct evidence links Russia to the sabotage, circumstantial evidence raises certain questions…
Russian representative:
— We categorically reject these slanders! DNA analysis has irrefutably proven that the dam was destroyed by NATO-trained special forces dolphins!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
34. THE BARN HAS WRITINGS TOO…
Russian military airfield. Dialogue between a Russian pilot and an Ukrainian journalist.
Ukrainian:
— Why did you bomb the Mariupol Drama Theater? It was written loud and clear: “CHILDREN!”
Pilot:
— A barn can also have “Cock” scrawled on it, but inside — it’s just firewood.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
35. NATO COMBAT MOSQUITOES
UN Security Council meeting. Commotion in the chamber.
Ukrainian representative (addressing Russia):
— Aggressor!
Russian representative:
— Lies and slander! Do not insult the Russian Federation! It was NATO’s combat mosquitoes, trained in secret Ukrainian biolabs, that swarmed across our sovereign borders in a treacherous act of aggression! We launched only a righteous, heroic special disinsection operation!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
36. KYIV IN THREE DAYS
Parade ground. A Russian unit stands in formation. The General paces before them.
Soldier:
— Comrade General, why didn’t we take Kyiv, the Ukrainian capital, in three days?
General:
— That was only a training operation, soldier. A gesture of humanity and goodwill. We gave the enemy a taste of our firepower — and then, in our wisdom, we relocated to even stronger positions.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
37. SABOTEUR SANTA: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL OPERATION
Christmas Eve. Russian soldiers at a combat position. High above Santa Claus is flying across the sky with a sack of gifts.
First soldier:
— Look! A NATO agent — flying under cover!
Second soldier:
— Load the guns! Quickly! Aim for the head — but don’t damage the sack. Otherwise we’ll be left without presents.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
38. BAPTISM IN HELL
The Russian-Ukrainian front. Russian positions. A priest urges soldiers to baptize themselves in a field “font.”
Priest:
— Soldiers! Be baptized while you are still alive! Or straight to hell you go!
First soldier:
— We’re already in hell.
Second soldier:
— Come on! Let’s do it! At least we’ll get a wash!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
39. WANT TO BE A SAINT? HANG ON A CROSS
The Russian-Ukrainian front. Russian rear camp. A priest offers soldiers “presidential” crosses as talismans.
Priest:
— Soldiers! Our president, protected by God’s grace, orders you to wear these crosses bearing his initials. They will protect you from enemy bullets.
Soldier:
— Wait — he’s been crucified already?
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
40. HOLY-WATER TARGETING
The Russian-Ukrainian front. Russian rear positions. A ritual of blessing ammunition.
First soldier:
— Father, why are we blessing the shells?
Priest:
— So that they hit the target, my son!
Second soldier (grimly):
— That explains why we never hit anything!
First Soldier (with enthusiasm):
— Finally! Now our guns will fire properly!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
41. WHITE, RED, BLACK
Russia.
At the entrance of a Russian Orthodox church, a priest delivers a sermon.
Priest:
— A soldier’s widow must never remarry! Got the death notice? Mourn and pray!
Woman from the crowd:
— Dream on! Your coffin payout barely buys a white Lada. And I want a red Volvo! With a minibar!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
42. PUTIN’S CROOKED LINE
“Direct Line” with the Russian president, Vladimir Putin. The president takes questions from citizens via video link, with guests seated in the hall.
Woman from the hall (pointing at an official’s portrait):
— This man killed my husband. Now he teaches children courage — and is the mayor of our city. Why?
Putin:
— He redeemed himself at the front. He paid for his past with blood. He is a hero — our new elite.
First viewer, hiding his face:
— Have killed a hundred Ukrainians — forgiven…
Second viewer, hiding his face:
— Kill, rob, rape! Half a year at the front wipes everything clean…
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
43. HOLY FIRE EXTINGUISHER
Russia.
Against the backdrop of a burning oil depot, two Russian Orthodox priests talk to the patriarch.
Patriarch:
— I can’t quite discern — what is that image hanging there?
First priest:
— It’s Svarozhich, the Slavic god of fire. Very effective!
Second priest:
— Christ let us down…
Patriarch:
— Does it really work? Hmm… Very good. We’ll hide this pagan heresy under a fig leaf: the icon will remain, but from now on it will be called Saint Nicholas the Firefighter.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
44. PUTINIST PROPAGANDA IN A NUTSHELL
Live your life so that you bring no shame to the Motherland:
• Plant a tree
• Kill a “khokhol” (a slur for an Ukrainian)
• File a denunciation
• Have 10 children
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
45. THE SUPERNOVUS COVENANT
1. Love your Putin with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul.
2. Love your neighbor: your boss, your deputy, your tax inspector.
3. Thou shalt not kill — a statesman, a law enforcement officer.
4. Thou shalt not commit adultery in a condom.
5. Do not bear false witness for personal gain — only for the good of the Motherland.
6. Do not waste thy seed — make children.
7. Thou shalt not steal — that is the prerogative of state officials.
8. Do not seek treasures on earth — they have already been appropriated.
9. Whoever speaks ill of Volodin or Matvienko is worthy of death.
10. Do not yield to the devilish temptation of foreign agents and the fifth column.
11. Blessed are the informers, for theirs is the earthly kingdom. Denounce — and you shall be heard.
12. Love your Motherland — especially through government contracts.
13. Abstain from doubt: faith in television shall save you.
14. Avoid the words “freedom” and “peace,” for they are heresy.
15. Thou shalt not make idols outside the power vertical. May loyalty be with you — and ye shall not perish in prison.
From the “Revelation of Russian agency for communications control,” ch. 666.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
46. PACIFISM: DISEASE OR CRIME?
A triptych:
Panel 1:
At the draft office, Russia.
Diagnosis: schizophrenia.
Panel 2:
Russian court.
Verdict: treason.
Panel 3:
Correctional colony for pacifists, Russia.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
47. UPDATING CHRISTIANITY
Russia. In the confessional of a Russian Orthodox church.
Repentant sinner:
— Father! What happened to the commandment “Thou shalt not kill”?
Priest:
— Outdated version, my son! Upgrade to the latest release. Run the file “Ukraine_Deleted.exe”.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
48. PARABLE OF THE FISHERMAN AND THE PATRIARCH: FAITH FOR THE POOR, YACHTS FOR THE RICH
The Patriarch of All Russia stands on the bow of his luxurious yacht. Nearby, in a shabby boat, sit two fishermen.
Fisherman:
— Father, why don’t you give your yacht to the poor and destitute — as Jesus commanded?
Patriarch:
— Christ preached exclusively to the poor. He never troubled the rich with his advice.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
49. DIPLOMA OF PUBERTY
Russia. Family studies class at a school.
On the board, a diagram illustrating Russia’s birth rate.
Student:
— I don’t remember the lesson…
Teacher:
— Didn’t study for the test? Don’t worry! Go have a baby, dear — you’ll get an A! If you have twins, we’ll call it your anatomy practicum. Triplets — and you can graduate on the spot. No more school for you.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
50. PUTIN 2.0: THE SPIRAL OF HISTORY
Exhibit at the Museum of Historical Parallels. On the wall — three official portraits:
• Tsar Nicholas II — “Nicholas II”
• Grigori Rasputin — “Ras-Putin”
• Vladimir Putin — “V. Putin”
Ras-Putin = Putin I (Proto-Putin)
V. Putin = Putin II (The Sequel)
*Curator’s Note
History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce. Now it’s looping as a psycho-absurdist horror remake. Two different men, one ominous namesake — a recurring curse on the Russian state. The finale, as always, is written in poison, polonium, and palace intrigues.
Putin I (Version 1.0 — Grigori Rasputin) Finale: Cyanide, bullet to the head. (1916) Status: DISCONTINUED
Putin II (Version 2.0 — Vladimir Putin) Finale (Under Development — Beta Preview):
• 30% — Snuffbox Special (Historical Edition)
• 30% — Silken Scarf (Classic Strangulation)
• 30% — “Novichok™” (Modern & Lethal)
• 10% — “Spontaneous” Heart Attack (Plausible Deniability Package) Scheduled Release: 202X
*Historical Note
Snuffbox — Emperor Paul I of Russia was killed in 1801: strangled, but the first blow was delivered with a snuffbox.
Scarf — Stalin allegedly used a scarf in the killing of his security chief Nikolai Yezhov; “death by scarf” became a symbol of Kremlin strangulations.
“Novichok” — a military-grade nerve agent developed in the USSR, used in notorious poisonings such as those of Sergei Skripal and Alexei Navalny.
Heart attack — “sudden cardiac arrest” is the most common euphemism in Russian official reports on suspicious political deaths.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
51. TRUMPUTATION HAPPY HOUR
American bar.
The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and the US President, Donald Trump, beers in hand, leaning across the table.
Trump:
— Vova, man, you freaking nailed it — twenty-five years in power! How the hell do you pull that off?
Putin:
— Piece of cake. I rewrote the Constitution.
Trump:
— And nobody kicked you out?
Putin:
— We set the stage. Cooked up a “deadly virus,” rolled out a pandemic. Scared the crap outta everyone, and boom — protest’s dead before it’s born. Had martial law up my sleeve too, just in case. Didn’t even need it. The opposition? Total losers. Weak as kittens. They were the ones yelling, “Lock us down harder!” Can you believe it? Pathetic. Everyone just stayed home, shivering over their health. So yeah, nobody gave a damn about the Constitution anymore.
Trump:
— Man, that’s insane. Genius! I’d love that too… But hey, we got this little thing called democracy.
Putin:
— I’d bend your democracy like a paper straw, Donnie.
Trump:
— C’mon, you serious?
Putin:
— Dead serious. First thing: trash the checks and balances. Straight to the dumpster. Build yourself a nice fat vertical. Cops and Feds — your bodyguards. Courts — your backup. And dirt, Donnie, dirt on everybody. No dirt? No problem. You plant it. That’s how you run the show.
And remember: loyalty, loyalty, loyalty. Then purge, purge, purge. Show trials — for the spectacle. And boom, you’re untouchable.
Then you pump your gospel everywhere. Schools, TV, TikTok. “Make America Great Again” — tattoo it on every wall if you have to.
I’d brand the whole damn country: TraMerica. TrEconomics. TraFashion. Slap your name on everything — Americans love that crap.
Two parties? Forget it. Dems, Republicans — same circus, different clowns, just swap costumes every four years. Start your own party: TrumParty. Big, loud, orange.
Hell, make your slogan bigger: MAGA — PTAGA. “Make America Great Again: Prosperity To All. God. Hallelujah!”
Trump:
— PTAGA! Vova, that’s killer. I love it.
Putin:
— See? It works. And when they get bored — declare war on Canada. Dig up some lost Native American empire. Chingachgook the Great Snake — Ruler of All America.
Boom — you’ve got history, you’ve got borders, you’ve got war. New state, new elections, new terms.
Trump:
— Dude, this is gold. You’re a genius, Vova.
Putin:
— Exactly. You take half the globe, I take the other half. You’ll be Lord of Meridians, I’ll be Lord of Parallels. Two kings, one planet. Cheers, Donnie.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
52. PUTIN’S SNOW JOB: A BLOW-BY-BLOW GUIDE-LIE TO DIE FOR
An American bar.
The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and the US President, Donald Trump, are sitting at a table, drinking beer.
Trump:
— Vova, tell me straight: why’d you kill Navalny? Was he really that dangerous to you?
Putin:
— Donnie, you’re killing me here! His numbers were below zero. Why on earth would I fear a guy like that?
Trump:
— Then I don’t get it…
Putin:
— You have to get it, Donnie. He bugged me. Drove me nuts. Just hearing his name made my blood pressure spike. I couldn’t stand living in the same country, breathing the same air. I gave him the chance to leave — he came back. Why?
Trump:
— And then you had him killed?
Putin:
— Donnie, don’t be so crude. I only locked him up. For financial crimes. A thief belongs in jail, Donnie. Am I right?
Trump:
— Then why did he die?
Putin:
— Fifteen chronic illnesses, Donnie. Even herpes. With a list like that, nobody lasts long.
Trump:
— That many? But he was still young!
Putin:
— That’s what my guys told me, Donnie. Twenty conditions. Including prostatitis. Same people who worked the Magnitsky case — pros, real pros. My A-team.
Trump:
— Never heard of it. Not even Fox told me! Unbelievable!
Putin:
— We didn’t know either. But after the autopsy — boom! Twenty-five diseases. Even sciatica. Like some old wreck.
Trump:
— Incredible, just incredible. He looked like a healthy guy!
Putin:
— Donnie, if you don’t believe me, I’ve got the papers. Certificates, medical files, autopsy reports… all clean. Thirty conditions, Donnie. Including gallstones. He was rotten to the core.
Trump:
— Then how the hell did he even last three years in prison?
Putin:
— He had nine lives, Donnie. Like a cat. Not even “Novichok” could finish him off. Tough specimen. Picture it — thirty-five chronic illnesses. Plus lice! That wasn’t a man, that was a walking corpse!
Trump:
— Then why won’t you give the widow his stuff — documents, tapes ? If everything’s so clean?
Putin:
— Donnie, my guys are worried it’ll end up in German hands again. And you know how the Germans are — they can pull “evidence” out of thin air. We don’t need another “Novichok” fiasco.
Trump:
— And why do you keep changing the story? The cause of death? First it was arrhythmia, now it’s poisoning?
Putin:
— Local screw-up. Some investigator out in Yamal. Wrote nonsense, couldn’t read between the lines.
(Pause)
Putin:
— It was clearly a tragic death caused by a rare cold-related allergy. Entirely natural, nothing suspicious at all.
Trump (aside, smirking):
— FSB’s Tablets? Commandment #1: Deny the obvious.
(Pause)
Trump (to Putin, cheerful):
— Anyway, enough of this sad stuff. Let’s grab a beer for a cheer.
Putin:
— To us!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
53. SUMMIT IN ANCHORAGE, ALASKA
A consultation in a psychiatric hospital. In the office at the table — three venerable professors.
First Professor:
— The patient claims he is the Messiah.
Second Professor:
— What?! The Messiah?! Yesterday he thought he was Hitler!
Third Professor:
— Today he has a new mission: “Saving the Ukrainian brotherly people.”
First Professor:
— And how does he plan to pull that off?
Second Professor:
— As usual: bombings, killings, kidnappings.
Third Professor:
— Paranoid geopolitical delusions with a messiah complex…
First Professor:
— Pure lunacy, nothing more.
Second Professor:
— Colleagues, let’s avoid lyricism. A specific personality disorder.
Third Professor:
— The patient cries, saying: “Ukraine is our pain and tragedy.”
First Professor:
— And keeps droning on about some “root causes of the conflict” that “must be eliminated.”
Second Professor:
— And every five minutes hysterically shouts: “I want all of Donbas!”
Third Professor:
— Otherwise — cheerful, vigorous, active, recently met with this… character… in the red cap…
First Professor:
— Ah, the notorious “fireman,” the one who can stop wars with a single glance?
Second Professor:
— That’s him. A full 11 seconds shaking hands, then strolling down the red carpet, shamelessly flirting and winking.
Third Professor:
— Two of a kind, God forgive me! One raves about Donbas, the other about a Nobel Prize.
First Professor:
— Indeed, gentlemen. Vanity is a dangerous thing. It can end in a psycho-political disorder.
Second Professor:
— Colleagues! I think we clearly see a conflict of interests. Nothing good will come of this.
Third Professor:
— For Ukraine — absolutely.
First Professor:
— You’re right. Measures must be taken.
Second Professor:
— I suggest a drastic increase of haloperidol. Both oral and intramuscular.
Third Professor:
— It would also be advisable to prescribe calming baths of Ukrainian mud, accompanied by recordings of the “Crimea is ours!” shouts.
First Professor:
— And why not try electroshock therapy? Works wonders for specific disorders. The Ministry of Health already gave the green light.
Second Professor (solemnly):
— The Health Ministry warns… Start acting like a brain-dead idiot, and you’ll get three thousand volts in the ass.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
54. WOMB ON STRIKE: VIP MEMBERS ONLY
Russia.
Sermon in front of a Russian Orthodox church.
Priest:
— Why do you spill your seed into the toilet? That is a grave sin! The woman’s womb is the only vessel blessed by God for your seed!
Man from the crowd:
— The womb? It’s closed all the time. For inventory. VIP members only.
Priest:
— Do not blaspheme, my son! The womb is not a canned goods warehouse!
Woman from the crowd:
— “VIP members”? You mean the FSB, don’t you?
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
55. DISCREDITING… ORGANS
https://i.postimg.cc/ft2jGNcN/En-Album-55-2.jpg)
On a street in a Russian town.
Police Officer:
— Multicolored buttons on your pants? LGBT propaganda. You’re fined!
Man:
— No, please, no fine! I’ll cut them off right now!
(Pants down)
Man:
— Oh! Sorry! I didn’t mean to…
Police Officer:
— Aha! A Ukrainian flag on the ass? Discreditation of… organs!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
56. THE CONFESSIONAL OF DISTORTED MIRRORS
Russia. In the confessional of a Russian Orthodox church.
Penitent:
— Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned… I am… a bit of a paeanist.
Priest (alarmed):
— A pacifist?! That borders on treason, my son!
Penitent:
— No, no! I mean… I am an exhibitionist.
Priest:
— So you love being the center of attention? That’s admirable.
Penitent (whispering):
— I am sinful, Father! I walked in the park, showing my rising cock at a garden party…
Priest (beaming):
— You are the cock of the walk, a party rising star? May your career be long and blessed, my child!
Penitent:
— I repent, Father! My sin is great! It was… a children’s garden party…
Priest:
— Early exposure to our traditional spiritual values? A brilliant pedagogical method, my son!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
57. SHITTY IMMORTALITY
Russia, Moscow, the Kremlin, the President’s office. Seated at the table are: the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, and Mikhail Kovalchuk, an old friend of his, now overseeing research in life extension and slowing aging.
Putin (almost affectionately):
– Well, Professor, report: how are things progressing with my immortality?
Kovalchuk (enthusiastically):
– There’s progress. Significant. We’re currently working on a project to preserve your… biological materials.
Putin (surprised):
– What? What does poop have to do with that?
Kovalchuk (hurriedly):
– Hold on. Don’t fuss. Hear me out first.
Putin (graciously):
– Speak.
Kovalchuk:
Putin (pensively):
— Shitty immortality. A shitty idea. Say you print me out. But who am I? Nobody. Someone else will be sitting on the throne. They will immediately bring charges against me: the war, the arsons, the bombings, the cables, everything.
Kovalchuk:
— I don’t know about that. It’s impossible to predict what political system Russia will have by then.
Putin (with emphasis):
— That’s the point. I want a different kind of immortality. I want this — my present body — to serve me forever. Is that so hard?! Heart worn out — transplant. Liver, kidneys — transplant… It’s as simple as that!
Kovalchuk (cautiously):
– But every organ has a service life – no more than eighty years…
Putin:
– Then take a heart from a schoolkid – a recent graduate. What, you feel sorry for some kid for my sake?
Kovalchuk (fervently):
– Not at all! I’d give you my own heart…
Putin (disgustedly):
– I don’t want yours. What the hell do I need your rusty junk for? Get me a young heart, with plenty of life left. And in 60 years, put in a new one. What’s so complicated?
Kovalchuk:
– At present, medicine can’t guarantee the organ will take. The probability of complications is quite high. So either wait another 20 years, or we preserve the shit.
Putin (grumpily):
– Fine, have it your way. Go on with your shit. But only as a backup. In the worst case, after my… death [his face distorted, as if in severe pain] it’ll go under the hammer for a million.
Kovalchuk (smiling):
– Yes. In the West, the shit of the powerful is highly valued. Some Italian artist, I think his name was Mandzoni, sold his poop for the price of gold. And now a 30-gram can of this shit costs hundreds of thousands of euros.
Putin (contemptuously):
– Well, if some lousy Italian shat gold ingots – my shit will go for ten million!
Kovalchuk (flatteringly):
– Maybe even more!
Putin:
– Only one condition: no greed! 30 grams?! That’s a laughingstock! What am I, a pigeon?
Kovalchuk (convincingly):
– You? No. You are a falcon. An eagle. A kite. A pterodactyl.
Putin (arrogantly):
– Exactly. And my shit must be of the highest quality. Refined. Deodorized. And make it blue. Blue blood – blue shit.
Kovalchuk:
– Of course, of course. First press. Virgin Putin shit. Or Putin virgin shit? Which is correct?
Putin (with hatred):
– Dismissed!
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
58. BLESSED ARE THE COPULATORS…
Russia. Moscow. The hall of the State Duma.
Deputy Valentina Bebienko speaks from the podium:
– Dear deputies! The President has set us the task of reviving great Russia tripling the birth rate. I won’t deny it – the task is not easy. It’s a difficult task. A super difficult one. But we are obliged to fulfill it. Because our president wants us to. I propose we approach the problem creatively. Of course, our target audience is young people. Under 30. After 30, influencing one’s consciousness is not so easy. Mental patterns are already formed, and resistance to the state narrative is observed.
Now let’s remember our own sad childhood. How did we satisfy our… needs – the perfectly legitimate urges of puberty? Secretly, stealthily, in dark stairwells on dirty windowsills, in damp basements, on dusty attics, or simply, God forgive me, in the park behind a bush. And always in tension: what if someone sees? What if the neighbors report us? And if, God forbid, you got caught – they drag you to the police, write a report, call your parents. In a word, shame for the rest of your life.
This is wrong, comrades. This doesn’t agree with the state demographic policy. Let’s correct this imbalance. Let’s give our children and grandchildren a happy childhood. Just as there used to be a phone booth on every corner – now in its place there will be a beautiful and tidy “reproduction pavilion”. With surveillance cameras for facial recognition – we will award participants social bonuses on the “State Services” internet-portal. Inside – a spacious room with 4 double beds, a large TV on the wall. A film library with inspiring videotapes and soap operas. A cupboard with Viagra and accessories. Everything is high-style, clean, and attractive – from the cheerful wallpaper to the playful patterns on the bed linen.
And on the steps, instead of a doorman – a priest, sprinkling holy water on those entering, and with a blessing: “Blessed are the copulators… in the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit… in accordance with Presidential Decree No. 666…”
And after nine months, the system will automatically assess performance. If the birth of a child is confirmed, the parents will receive a one-time payment. In case of a male child, the amount will be doubled — in accordance with the state program for the militarization of demographic policy.
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
59. ONE HEAD FOR THE CROWN, THE OTHER RULES THE COUNTRY
*Note: Illustration blocked by censorship.
A spacious conference hall. Officials are seated in there. A large, illuminated stage, in the center of which lies on his back a well-known political leader. His genitals are fully exposed; his erect penis is crowned with a miniature, yet precise, copy of his head (the one on his shoulders). The small head of the politician lying on the stage addresses the audience with a loud, pompous speech:
— The birth rate in the country is falling catastrophically. Like a stone dropped into an abyss. I’ve been long saying it and I repeat: condoms and abortions are to blame for everything! And LGBT. And Childfree. We must fight, fight, and fight against all this heresy. So far, we are doing poorly.
We banned abortions. So what? Now they go to China to have abortions. Or they give birth in Argentina and stay there for ever. Condoms are the utmost evil. Condoms are a personal insult to me. They violate the basic right of the individual — the right to procreate and multiply. Enshrined in the Constitution, by the way.
We banned condoms having named them symbols of extremism. So what? The black market for condoms is thriving. Underground manufactories of rubber goods are springing up like mushrooms after rain. All over the country. LGBT propaganda is oozing out of every crack. What is happening? This is a complete failure of my decrees implementation. I will not put up with this attitude.
If the state apparatus cannot force the population to give birth — I will force the state apparatus to give birth.
Turn on your brains, if any. And start working.
Do we not have a sperm bank? Do we not have an egg bank? Buy eggs from the population at a fixed price. Introduce a natural tax, for god’s sake— one egg per month in favor of the state.
Engage the Academy of Sciences — let them create a state military Incubator. We will raise true patriots of our country. Who from their swaddling clothes will have memorized the military charter and the 10 commandments of Putinism. We will protect them from the pernicious influence of liberal parents. This will be the stronghold of our future prosperity and triumph.
Second. Engage the geneticists. The country does not need idle housewives and thinkers of any kind. The genes of future generations must be the right ones: patriotic, male, warlike. Is it really so difficult? Get to work.
We will revive our great country and our great “second army of the world.” Moreover, we will make it the first! Whatever the price. Over the corpses of our enemies, through the tears of mothers, across the ravaged land — we will advance without fear and without mercy. We will crush any resistance and completely destroy anyone who dares to rise up against us. Even if it means bringing the entire country to its knees, we will do it. Make no mistake: the will of the state is iron, and nothing and no one can stop it.
(Stormy, prolonged applause.)
#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism
CONCLUSION
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The author expresses deepest gratitude to Vladimir Putin — the eternal patriarch of Ward ¹ 666 — for his contribution to world satire, for the inexhaustible material supplied in real time, and for his personal example of how not to run a country. Special thanks to all his comrades and fellow inmates: you are an inexhaustible source of absurdity, grotesque, and black humor. Without your selfless devotion to madness, this album would look dull and lifeless.
PUBLICATION DATA
Author: Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga) Written: July 15, 2025 ISBN: 978-5-9903439-3-1 © Olga Viktorovna Shcheglova, 2025 18+
Ward 666, Orthodox Military Putinism
© Copyright: Ùåãëîâà Îëüãà Âèêòîðîâíà, 2025
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Ñâèäåòåëüñòâî î ïóáëèêàöèè ¹225120401676
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