Nobel Capers

Shcheglova Olga (Boris Bidyaga)

 WARD №666: ORTHODOX MILITARY PUTINISM
 Album of satirical miniatures

MINIATURE ZERO-1
NOBEL CAPERS

An American bar. The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and the US President, Donald Trump, are sitting at a table, drinking beer…

Trump:
— Vova, after you took care of Navalny, your political scene is a total cakewalk. Smooth sailing. God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world.

Putin:
— Don’t be naive. Navalny was a nobody. All talk, no action. A glorified blogger.

Trump:
— Then why’d you have to wipe his whole organization off the map? For a nobody?

Putin:
— Donny, use your head. The man had no platform. Just a bunch of kids in the streets chanting curses at me. Is that a policy? Look at Lenin — now that was an agenda: factories for the workers, land for the peasants. This clown? Just insults. It’s… tasteless.

Trump:
— Yeah, stupid. A real amateur.

Putin:
— Precisely. In my entire career, only one man ever truly worried me — Boris Nemtsov. A real politician. Knew what he was doing.

Trump:
— So you had him whacked so he wouldn’t run?

Putin (scoffs):
— No. We wouldn’t have let him run anyway — the election commission would’ve seen to that. And for the record, I didn’t give that order.

Trump:
— But come on, Vova. Everyone knows it was your security guys.

Putin:
— We don’t do messy public spectacles anymore. That’s last century’s playbook. Why the drama and the headlines when you can make anyone… disappear? Quietly. Neatly. Anyone. Even a U.S. President.

Trump (shifting uncomfortably):
— Whoa, Vova, that’s not my war! That’s all on Biden. And you know I’m your friend. You know that.

Putin (in a mocking tone):
— I know. I see you twisting in the wind, playing both sides.

Trump (defensively):
— Vova, I swear on my life, I got nothing against you personally. Hell, I even get where you’re coming from. I just… I want that Nobel!

Putin (musing aloud):
— A perfectly understandable ambition. I’ve been thinking… why shouldn’t I have one? Next year, perhaps.

Trump (eyes popping):
— You?!

Putin (condescendingly):
— Donny, everyone has a price. Some are just cheaper than others. And if that doesn’t work… well, there are other levers. Threats, kompromat, blackmail… The machine is very, very efficient.

(A heavy pause hangs in the air)

Putin (with an ironic smile):
— You know, a Nobel would look even better on my chest than on yours. Just think of the headline: “War Criminal Putin, Nobel Laureate.” That is the ultimate proof of my power over the world. It’s even cooler than my army at the gates of Paris! That’s how you bend this cowardly Europe over and fuck it good and proper!

Trump (nervously):
— Hey, Vova, how about… I get the Nobel first, then you can do whatever you want with this cowardly Europe. Deal?

Putin (waves a dismissive hand):
— Fine. You first, Donny. Besides, I’ve got to get to Kyiv before I start collecting prizes…