The Judgment Of Osiris

Shcheglova Olga (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666: ORTHODOX MILITARY PUTINISM
 Album of satirical miniatures

MINIATURE ZERO-3
PUTIN IN THE HALL OF TWO TRUTHS: THE JUDGMENT OF OSIRIS

A sacred ancient Egyptian temple. Inside, the well-known procedure of the Judgment of the Egyptian god Osiris, as described in the “Book of the Dead,” is taking place.

Also participating are:
• God Thoth (court secretary, with a clay tablet in his hands)
• God Anubis (forensic expert)
• Goddess Maat (prosecutor)
• 42 Egyptian God-jurors (wearing masks of Hitler, Mussolini, Lenin, Stalin, Beria, Brezhnev, Zhirinovsky, Dracula, the Devil, and other historical figures)
• The Russian president, Vladimir Putin (the defendant)

The hall is illuminated by flickering TV screens broadcasting the court proceedings. Putin stands by gigantic apothecary scales; on one scale pan lies a red paper heart with a gilded engraving: “Putin: 86%”. The other pan is empty, yet the scales balance each other.

Osiris:
— We begin the live broadcast of the most fair trial in the history of the universe! Today, on the Scales of Truth — the fate of the Great Guardian of Traditional Values! But first — a word from our sponsor. Presenting: the elixir of youth “Ambre”!

(Commercial break: the goddess Hathor drinks the potion and instantly becomes 3000 years younger. Voiceover: “Ambre: a sip leading to Eternity.”)

Osiris (addressing Putin):
— Do you trust this court? Any objections to the judges?

Putin (with a slight smile):
— Oh, Your Honor! How could I! The history of Russian-Egyptian relations… We have repeatedly provided aid… Forgiven debts… Built power plants… The Aswan Dam… Complete mutual understanding…

Osiris:
— Of course. We remember. The court will now retire to the deliberation room.
(Everyone remains seated, as they were.)

Maat:
— I object! You are violating procedure! The defendant has not yet recited the 42 declarations of innocence before the jurors: I have not killed, not stolen, not lied, not falsified weights and measures… and so on.

Osiris (reluctantly):
— Hmm… Very well. Defendant, tell us your autobiography.

Putin:
— Gladly, Your Honor. I was born an ordinary Petersburg kid — an average C student. And through my own persistent labor, reaping the rewards in the field of state service, I climbed to the pinnacle of power — became president of a great country. I pursued the most humane and just policies. In my decrees, I promised every citizen a separate apartment, free healthcare and education, high wages, and zero inflation. I established lasting peace in the warlike Chechen Republic. I became the world’s most generous donor. I built 20 oil and gas pipelines. My gas lights and heats the entire planet. I aid national liberation movements worldwide — supplying them with weapons at discounted prices. I distribute billion-dollar loans to poor countries and annul their debts a couple of years later. I give China my natural resources for a pittance. Thanks to my policies, the NATO bloc has significantly expanded its borders. I liberated the fraternal Ukrainian people from the tyranny of Zelenskyy’s fascist regime. I stopped the bloody slaughter in Ukraine.

(An ad pops up on the screen: “Gas for every tomb! Let life never end!”)

Putin (looks at the screen for a second, then continues with his statement):
— I launched the first man into space. My court composer wrote the immortal masterpiece “Swan Lake” [performs a few ballet steps to Tchaikovsky’s music]. Finally, I rid the world of Hitler and his fascist dictatorship. I toiled like a slave on a galley in the post of President for 50 years! I served a life sentence! I lifted my country from its knees. I sold the factories to the workers and the land to the peasants. I created the world’s number one army. I extended a helping hand and protected Russian-speaking compatriots abroad from arbitrary treatment: in the Baltics, Central Asia, and the Caucasus. We safeguard the rights and freedoms of Russian diasporas across the entire former USSR. Life expectancy in the country increased dramatically: I lived to be 98 years old. Medicine is developing at a rapid pace: I died not from illness, but from boredom. The patriotism of the younger generation is off the charts: my portrait hangs in every school classroom. Traditional values are taking root deep. We only have two-sex marriages. Divorces, abortions, condoms — banned. Lesbians and gays — stripped of citizenship. Opponents and critics of the government — all in prison. On Earth, peace; among men — complete loyalty. Is this not an idyll? I have established an eternal celebration of life in my country.

Osiris (smiling broadly):
— Enough. You are the quintessence of virtue. The court will now retire to the deliberation room.

(Everyone remains seated.)

Maat (angrily):
— Wait! You are violating procedure again… The prosecution has not yet had its say!

Osiris:
— Dear Maat, all in due time. A time to gather stones, a time to listen to fables. When it’s time for your fantasies [suddenly shouting], I will tell you! The court will now retire to the deliberation room!

(Everyone remains seated.)

Osiris (after a pause):
— Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please vote…

Maat (jumping up, brandishing her feathers):
— I object! The prosecution’s case has not been heard! The weighing of the heart has not been conducted!

Osiris (sternly):
— Dear Maat, the defendant’s heart was weighed in a special procedure. It has been found lighter than your feather. For it is as pure as the tear of an unborn infant! Anubis!

Anubis (producing a pre-prepared protocol from under his robe):
— The scales show zero point zero grams. Innocence is total and absolute.

(The scale pans suddenly begin to oscillate up and down spontaneously. Anubis grabs the pans, trying to balance them.)

Osiris (unperturbed):
— It’s nothing: perturbations on the Sun. The mechanism appears to be… weather-dependent.

Putin (staring into the emptiness above the gods’ heads):
— The machinations of Western partners led by NATO. They’ve even reached the Afterlife. Again, they are encroaching on our spiritual bonds.

Osiris (banging his staff on the floor):
— So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let’s vote. Do you confirm the defendant’s complete innocence?

Jurors (in unison):
— Yes!

Zhirinovsky:
— Clone him!

Brezhnev:
— Decorate him with an award!

The Devil:
— Canonize him!

Stalin:
— We are of the same blood!

Beria:
— I bow to you, Teacher!

Mussolini:
— Pleased to meet you, colleague!

Dracula:
— You know how to suck. Our kind of guy!

Osiris (ignoring Maat’s protests):
— The court announces the verdict: The defendant is acquitted.

Maat (waving a thick stack of photos in the air):
— Are you out of your minds? Here is the evidence! Murders! Abductions! Poisonings! Wars! Hybrid attacks! Falsifications!

(The evidence appears on the screen but almost instantly vanishes. The screen is covered with fine static. A minute later, an image of Putin against the backdrop of the Cathedral of Christ the Savior appears, immediately replaced by the cartoon “Dunno on the Moon”.)

Osiris (smiling):
— Esteemed gods! Let’s vote! All in favor of immortality, glory, and apotheosis for the defendant?

(All 42 gods raise their hands in unison. A commercial is broadcast: “The new ‘Pharaoh-Deluxe’ sarcophagus! Three colors: black granite, white marble, George ribbon.”)

Thoth (reading from the clay tablet):
— Approved unanimously! Death is revoked, eternal life is granted! The name “Vladimir Putin” shall be inscribed on the title page of the “Book of the Dead” in golden ink!

Putin (nodding):
— I thank you. This is our shared victory. A special thanks to my faithful dog, Anubis. He’s a good boy.

(Anubis wags his tail, embarrassed.)

Maat (in despair, dropping her feathers on the floor):
— Inconceivable! Unbelievable! I am filing an appeal with the Martian Intergalactic Court!

(She is dragged away under the arms by attendants with bear heads. The broadcast cuts out. The screen shows dancing Cossacks.)

Thoth (closing the case folder):
— Thank you all, you are free to go. The session is closed.

*Culturological Commentary

The miniature is based on the ancient Egyptian myth of the Judgment of Osiris. According to the “Book of the Dead,” the soul of the deceased was brought into the Hall of Two Truths, where it faced:
— Osiris — god of the underworld, presiding judge.
— Maat — goddess of truth and justice, the standard of purity.
— Anubis — jackal-headed god who conducted the weighing of the heart.
— Thoth — god of wisdom, court scribe.
— 42 God-jurors — each responsible for one specific sin; the deceased had to swear before each god that he had not committed that sin.

The main procedure — the weighing of the heart: the heart of the deceased was placed on one scale pan, and the feather of Maat on the other. If the heart was “lighter than the feather,” the soul was deemed pure and granted eternal life; if heavier, it faced annihilation. This ritual symbolized absolute justice and the impossibility of deception.