Trumputation Happy Hour

Shcheglova Olga (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666: ORTHODOX MILITARY PUTINISM
 Album of satirical miniatures

MINIATURE №51
TRUMPUTATION HAPPY HOUR
 
American bar.
The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and the US President, Donald Trump, beers in hand, leaning across the table.

Trump:
— Vova, man, you freaking nailed it — twenty-five years in power! How the hell do you pull that off?

Putin:
— Piece of cake. I rewrote the Constitution.

Trump:
— And nobody kicked you out?

Putin:
— We set the stage. Cooked up a “deadly virus,” rolled out a pandemic. Scared the crap outta everyone, and boom — protest’s dead before it’s born. Had martial law up my sleeve too, just in case. Didn’t even need it. The opposition? Total losers. Weak as kittens. They were the ones yelling, “Lock us down harder!” Can you believe it? Pathetic. Everyone just stayed home, shivering over their health. So yeah, nobody gave a damn about the Constitution anymore.

Trump:
— Man, that’s insane. Genius! I’d love that too… But hey, we got this little thing called democracy.

Putin:
— I’d bend your democracy like a paper straw, Donnie.

Trump:
— C’mon, you serious?

Putin:
— Dead serious. First thing: trash the checks and balances. Straight to the dumpster. Build yourself a nice fat vertical. Cops and Feds — your bodyguards. Courts — your backup. And dirt, Donnie, dirt on everybody. No dirt? No problem. You plant it. That’s how you run the show.

And remember: loyalty, loyalty, loyalty. Then purge, purge, purge. Show trials — for the spectacle. And boom, you’re untouchable.
Then you pump your gospel everywhere. Schools, TV, TikTok. “Make America Great Again” — tattoo it on every wall if you have to.

I’d brand the whole damn country: TraMerica. TrEconomics. TraFashion. Slap your name on everything — Americans love that crap.

Two parties? Forget it. Dems, Republicans — same circus, different clowns, just swap costumes every four years. Start your own party: TrumParty. Big, loud, orange.

Hell, make your slogan bigger: MAGA — PTAGA. “Make America Great Again: Prosperity To All. God. Hallelujah!”

Trump:
— PTAGA! Vova, that’s killer. I love it.

Putin:
— See? It works. And when they get bored — declare war on Canada. Dig up some lost Native American empire. Chingachgook the Great Snake — Ruler of All America.
Boom — you’ve got history, you’ve got borders, you’ve got war. New state, new elections, new terms.

Trump:
— Dude, this is gold. You’re a genius, Vova.

Putin:
— Exactly. You take half the globe, I take the other half. You’ll be Lord of Meridians, I’ll be Lord of Parallels. Two kings, one planet. Cheers, Donnie