A Blow-by-Blow Guide-Lie To Die For

Shcheglova Olga (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666: ORTHODOX MILITARY PUTINISM
 Album of satirical miniatures

MINIATURE №52
PUTIN’S SNOW JOB: A BLOW-BY-BLOW GUIDE-LIE TO DIE FOR
 
An American bar.
The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and the US President, Donald Trump, are sitting at a table, drinking beer.

Trump:
— Vova, tell me straight: why’d you kill Navalny? Was he really that dangerous to you?

Putin:
— Donnie, you’re killing me here! His numbers were below zero. Why on earth would I fear a guy like that?

Trump:
— Then I don’t get it…

Putin:
— You have to get it, Donnie. He bugged me. Drove me nuts. Just hearing his name made my blood pressure spike. I couldn’t stand living in the same country, breathing the same air. I gave him the chance to leave — he came back. Why?

Trump:
— And then you had him killed?

Putin:
— Donnie, don’t be so crude. I only locked him up. For financial crimes. A thief belongs in jail, Donnie. Am I right?

Trump:
— Then why did he die?

Putin:
— Fifteen chronic illnesses, Donnie. Even herpes. With a list like that, nobody lasts long.

Trump:
— That many? But he was still young!

Putin:
— That’s what my guys told me, Donnie. Twenty conditions. Including prostatitis. Same people who worked the Magnitsky case — pros, real pros. My A-team.

Trump:
— Never heard of it. Not even Fox told me! Unbelievable!

Putin:
— We didn’t know either. But after the autopsy — boom! Twenty-five diseases. Even sciatica. Like some old wreck.

Trump:
— Incredible, just incredible. He looked like a healthy guy!

Putin:
— Donnie, if you don’t believe me, I’ve got the papers. Certificates, medical files, autopsy reports… all clean. Thirty conditions, Donnie. Including gallstones. He was rotten to the core.

Trump:
— Then how the hell did he even last three years in prison?

Putin:
— He had nine lives, Donnie. Like a cat. Not even “Novichok” could finish him off. Tough specimen. Picture it — thirty-five chronic illnesses. Plus lice! That wasn’t a man, that was a walking corpse!

Trump:
— Then why won’t you give the widow his stuff — documents, tapes ? If everything’s so clean?

Putin:
— Donnie, my guys are worried it’ll end up in German hands again. And you know how the Germans are — they can pull “evidence” out of thin air. We don’t need another “Novichok” fiasco.

Trump:
— And why do you keep changing the story? The cause of death? First it was arrhythmia, now it’s poisoning?

Putin:
— Local screw-up. Some investigator out in Yamal. Wrote nonsense, couldn’t read between the lines.

(Pause)

Putin:
— It was clearly a tragic death caused by a rare cold-related allergy. Entirely natural, nothing suspicious at all.

Trump (aside, smirking):
— FSB’s Tablets? Commandment #1: Deny the obvious.

(Pause)

Trump (to Putin, cheerful):
— Anyway, enough of this sad stuff. Let’s grab a beer for a cheer.

Putin:
— To us!