Summit In Anchorage, Alaska

Shcheglova Olga (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666: ORTHODOX MILITARY PUTINISM
 Album of satirical miniatures

MINIATURE №53
SUMMIT IN ANCHORAGE, ALASKA
 
A consultation in a psychiatric hospital. In the office at the table — three venerable professors.

First Professor:
— The patient claims he is the Messiah.

Second Professor:
— What?! The Messiah?! Yesterday he thought he was Hitler!

Third Professor:
— Today he has a new mission: “Saving the Ukrainian brotherly people.”

First Professor:
— And how does he plan to pull that off?

Second Professor:
— As usual: bombings, killings, kidnappings.

Third Professor:
— Paranoid geopolitical delusions with a messiah complex…

First Professor:
— Pure lunacy, nothing more.

Second Professor:
— Colleagues, let’s avoid lyricism. A specific personality disorder.

Third Professor:
— The patient cries, saying: “Ukraine is our pain and tragedy.”

First Professor:
— And keeps droning on about some “root causes of the conflict” that “must be eliminated.”

Second Professor:
— And every five minutes hysterically shouts: “I want all of Donbas!”

Third Professor:
— Otherwise — cheerful, vigorous, active, recently met with this… character… in the red cap…

First Professor:
— Ah, the notorious “fireman,” the one who can stop wars with a single glance?

Second Professor:
— That’s him. A full 11 seconds shaking hands, then strolling down the red carpet, shamelessly flirting and winking.

Third Professor:
— Two of a kind, God forgive me! One raves about Donbas, the other about a Nobel Prize.

First Professor:
— Indeed, gentlemen. Vanity is a dangerous thing. It can end in a psycho-political disorder.

Second Professor:
— Colleagues! I think we clearly see a conflict of interests. Nothing good will come of this.

Third Professor:
— For Ukraine — absolutely.

First Professor:
— You’re right. Measures must be taken.

Second Professor:
— I suggest a drastic increase of haloperidol. Both oral and intramuscular.

Third Professor:
— It would also be advisable to prescribe calming baths of Ukrainian mud, accompanied by recordings of the “Crimea is ours!” shouts.

First Professor:
— And why not try electroshock therapy? Works wonders for specific disorders. The Ministry of Health already gave the green light.

Second Professor (solemnly):
— The Health Ministry warns… Start acting like a brain-dead idiot, and you’ll get three thousand volts in the ass.