Blessed Are The Copulators

Shcheglova Olga (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666: ORTHODOX MILITARY PUTINISM
 Album of satirical miniatures

MINIATURE №58
BLESSED ARE THE COPULATORS…
 
Russia. Moscow. The hall of the State Duma.
Deputy Valentina Bebienko speaks from the podium:

– Dear deputies! The President has set us the task of reviving great Russia tripling the birth rate. I won’t deny it – the task is not easy. It’s a difficult task. A super difficult one. But we are obliged to fulfill it. Because our president wants us to. I propose we approach the problem creatively. Of course, our target audience is young people. Under 30. After 30, influencing one’s consciousness is not so easy. Mental patterns are already formed, and resistance to the state narrative is observed.

Now let’s remember our own sad childhood. How did we satisfy our… needs – the perfectly legitimate urges of puberty? Secretly, stealthily, in dark stairwells on dirty windowsills, in damp basements, on dusty attics, or simply, God forgive me, in the park behind a bush. And always in tension: what if someone sees? What if the neighbors report us? And if, God forbid, you got caught – they drag you to the police, write a report, call your parents. In a word, shame for the rest of your life.

This is wrong, comrades. This doesn’t agree with the state demographic policy. Let’s correct this imbalance. Let’s give our children and grandchildren a happy childhood. Just as there used to be a phone booth on every corner – now in its place there will be a beautiful and tidy “reproduction pavilion”. With surveillance cameras for facial recognition – we will award participants social bonuses on the “State Services” internet-portal. Inside – a spacious room with 4 double beds, a large TV on the wall. A film library with inspiring videotapes and soap operas. A cupboard with Viagra and accessories. Everything is high-style, clean, and attractive – from the cheerful wallpaper to the playful patterns on the bed linen.

And on the steps, instead of a doorman – a priest, sprinkling holy water on those entering, and with a blessing: “Blessed are the copulators… in the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit… in accordance with Presidential Decree No. 666…”

And after nine months, the system will automatically assess performance. If the birth of a child is confirmed, the parents will receive a one-time payment. In case of a male child, the amount will be doubled — in accordance with the state program for the militarization of demographic policy.