One Head For The Crown, The Other Rules...

Shcheglova Olga (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666: ORTHODOX MILITARY PUTINISM
 Album of satirical miniatures

MINIATURE №59
ONE HEAD FOR THE CROWN, THE OTHER RULES THE COUNTRY
 
*Note: Illustration blocked by censorship.

A spacious conference hall. Officials are seated in there. A large, illuminated stage, in the center of which lies on his back a well-known political leader. His genitals are fully exposed; his erect penis is crowned with a miniature, yet precise, copy of his head (the one on his shoulders). The small head of the politician lying on the stage addresses the audience with a loud, pompous speech:

— The birth rate in the country is falling catastrophically. Like a stone dropped into an abyss. I’ve been long saying it and I repeat: condoms and abortions are to blame for everything! And LGBT. And Childfree. We must fight, fight, and fight against all this heresy. So far, we are doing poorly.

We banned abortions. So what? Now they go to China to have abortions. Or they give birth in Argentina and stay there for ever. Condoms are the utmost evil. Condoms are a personal insult to me. They violate the basic right of the individual — the right to procreate and multiply. Enshrined in the Constitution, by the way.

We banned condoms having named them symbols of extremism. So what? The black market for condoms is thriving. Underground manufactories of rubber goods are springing up like mushrooms after rain. All over the country. LGBT propaganda is oozing out of every crack. What is happening? This is a complete failure of my decrees implementation. I will not put up with this attitude.

If the state apparatus cannot force the population to give birth — I will force the state apparatus to give birth.
Turn on your brains, if any. And start working.

Do we not have a sperm bank? Do we not have an egg bank? Buy eggs from the population at a fixed price. Introduce a natural tax, for god’s sake— one egg per month in favor of the state.

Engage the Academy of Sciences — let them create a state military Incubator. We will raise true patriots of our country. Who from their swaddling clothes will have memorized the military charter and the 10 commandments of Putinism. We will protect them from the pernicious influence of liberal parents. This will be the stronghold of our future prosperity and triumph.

Second. Engage the geneticists. The country does not need idle housewives and thinkers of any kind. The genes of future generations must be the right ones: patriotic, male, warlike. Is it really so difficult? Get to work.

We will revive our great country and our great “second army of the world.” Moreover, we will make it the first! Whatever the price. Over the corpses of our enemies, through the tears of mothers, across the ravaged land — we will advance without fear and without mercy. We will crush any resistance and completely destroy anyone who dares to rise up against us. Even if it means bringing the entire country to its knees, we will do it. Make no mistake: the will of the state is iron, and nothing and no one can stop it.

(Stormy, prolonged applause.)