Blessed Are The Peacemakers...

Shcheglova Olga (Boris Bidyaga)

 WARD №666: ORTHODOX MILITARY PUTINISM
 Album of satirical miniatures

MINIATURE № 65
BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS...

American bar. Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump  at table, drinking beer.

Trump:
— This whole Ukraine mess is a total pain in my ass. Honestly, I almost wish I’d never gotten involved in your little spat. My time’s running out, and if I don’t snag a Nobel Peace Prize by then? They’ll call me the biggest loser, the most hated president ever. Total disaster.

(Pause.)

Trump (pleading):
— Come on, Vova, why won't you help me out? I put every single point you asked for in the deal. Buddy, let's just sign this peace treaty already! It's a hell of a deal for you. And the best part? It gets me the glory I deserve.

Putin (indifferently):
— Donnie, I've got my own image to worry about. I need the Donbas, don't you get it? I already wrote it into the Constitution as legitimate Russian territory. And let's not forget: I've spilled a river of blood for that goddamn Donbas. I need to hand it to my voters on a silver platter. No Donbas, no victory. And that means every single sacrifice in this bloody war was for nothing.

Trump (lowering his voice):
— Listen, Vova, nothing's stopping you from picking this up again in a couple of years — just wait until I'm out, okay? Stage a Ukrainian attack on your residence. Out in Tver, in the nature reserve. But make it look good. If you’re gonna cry wolf, show a real wolf. The Reichstag has to burn for real. Launch the drones from their side. Burn your favorite palace to the ground, take out a hundred hectares of ancient forest while you're at it. Show the cameras some dead endangered animals. Give people a story they can believe. A top-shelf casus belli.

Putin (doubtfully):
— But you're giving Ukraine security guarantees. If some nosy journalist digs it up and finds out it's a total setup, NATO could trigger Article 5 against me.

(Pause.)

Putin (firmly):
— I need ironclad guarantees, Donnie. Guarantees of impunity.

Trump (nodding in agreement):
— Of course. And you've got them, Vova. The best guarantees aren't the ones signed on paper; the best ones are a gentleman's handshake.
Just think back, Vova. After the USSR fell apart, Ukraine got "ironclad guarantees," right? And what happened? Did anyone lift a finger when you moved in? Hell no. So why would new "guarantees" be any different? Me? I won't get involved in your scrap with Ukraine no matter what. Especially if you put on a convincing enough show. Look at Obama, look at Biden—they were scared shitless of an open fight with Russia. America doesn’t go to war unless our interests are at stake.

Putin (skeptically):
— And Europe?

Trump (contemptuously):
— Europe? Give me a break. They’re not jumping into the fire. Not after you showed them your playbook: just throw more bodies at the problem. Mountains of corpses. The very sight of it makes Europe shake in its boots. Over there, they care too much about human life. As for sending weapons, they'll keep feeding them to Ukraine just long enough to rebuild their own defenses. Did you think they're doing it out of the goodness of their hearts? Yeah, right. They're doing it so Ukraine takes the bullet for them. Guards Europe's border with its own blood.

Putin:
— And what do I tell my people?

Trump:
— What’s to tell? Mission accomplished. Denazification, demilitarization — done. The Donbas is "practically fully" liberated. Don't sweat the numbers. "Practically fully" sounds like a triumph. The rights of Russian speakers? Protected. What defeat? What are you talking about? It's a clear victory. Phase one. Then, after I get my Nobel and my term's over, you can finish the job and claim your total, final victory.
Come on, Vova! Don't be a hardass! Let's sign the damn deal and be done with it!