Epigraph: “One cross-eyed hen saw the world as if in a crooked mirror and was sure that it really was crooked... She did not argue with the others, but thought to herself: apparently they are cross-eyed.”
Luigi Malerba. "The Brainy Hens".
Characters
Chicken Meretrix - courtesan
Fugax the Chicken – a skromnyashka
Chicken Chairman - Preses
Old Rooster Lokvens is a chatterbox
Young Rooster Stultus is a fool
Chicken Sassy is impudent
Chicken Rustic is naive
Galina the hen is a brood hen
Fox – Vulpis
Dog - Canem
Ferret
Goose - Anser
Turkey - Turks
Donkey - Asinus
Duck - Anas
Goat - Carpe
Cow - Bovis
Bull - Taurus
Horse - Equus
Pig - Porcus
Other episodic Chickens
Rooster Bibitor is a lover of beer and wine waste.
Effemirare's cockerel is an effeminate cockerel.
Raccoon Raccoon
Chapter 1. Chicken or the Egg?
"My friend!" said the old rooster Lokvens to the young rooster named Stultus. "Why are you sad? Life is so wonderful that there's no point in wasting time on sadness!"
“I’m thinking,” Stultus replied.
"That's a worthy cause!" Lokvens rejoiced. "What are you thinking about?"
" I'd like to know which came first, the chicken or the egg," Stultus said.
"You've touched on the OVKF—the Fundamental Question of Chicken Philosophy," Lokvens said significantly. "Millions of generations of roosters have struggled with this. Many eggs have been laid by hens and then deposited in the Kitchen of the Chosen, where the best fate in the world undoubtedly awaited them. But philosophers have not yet resolved this question."
“When I grow up a little,” thought Stultus, “I will definitely solve this Main Question of Chicken Philosophy!”
"How strange they are, these men!" thought Galina the hen, who happened to overhear their conversation. "I can swear by anything from my own life experience! First the rooster appears, then the egg! It's so simple!"
Chapter 2. The Afterlife
"Tell me, wise Loquence," Stultus asked. "What awaits us all? We all know that the mistress comes from time to time and takes one of us away to a mysterious place called the Kitchen. What happens to them after they get there? What is this place, and what is its purpose?"
"All roosters come to this question sooner or later," Lokvens replied. "You might have noticed that every year the Mistress takes several unborn chicks, still in the egg stage, and carries them off to this very Kitchen. Think about it, what do you think might happen to them there?"
“I can’t guess about that,” Stultus replied.
"I hope you have no doubt that everything you see around you was once created by the Great Rooster Ingens, eternal and omnipotent?" Lokvens asked.
"Who would dare doubt the eternal truth handed down to us by our ancestors!?" Stultus exclaimed. "The great Damhead proved it in his Dialogues!"
"And you, of course, won't argue that all living beings were created so that we, roosters and hens, could live happily on this Earth?" Lokvens continued.
"That's the obvious truth!" Stultus agreed.
"And since no one ever returned to the courtyard or the chicken coop from the mysterious Kitchen, it follows that everyone who entered there was transported definitively to their eternal abode, isn't that so?" Lokvens continued. "Surely you won't deny that if all of us are here, in the chicken coop or the courtyard, only temporarily, then we are merely guests in this place, and our final home is somewhere else, the path to which lies through the Kitchen?"
“It’s so obvious and logical that only a fool could argue with it,” Stultus agreed.
" And you won't doubt the justice of Ingens, the universal creator?" Lokvens continued. "Surely he wouldn't punish the innocent with cruel fate?"
"Of course not!" Stultus agreed.
"So, the eggs carried to the Kitchen were carried there only to gain the opportunity to be filled with eternal bliss, eternal happiness, joy, and grace?" Lokvens asked again. "Isn't the greatest happiness that can exist in this world worthy of those who, even before they were born, left the place where they were guests and were taken to a place where the innocent deserve only such a reward?"
“That’s for sure,” Stultus confirmed.
"And what could be greater bliss than the bliss of standing before the great Ingens and conversing with him, listening to his speeches, pecking grains of rice from his palm, and trampling the most beautiful and youngest hens in the world?" asked Lokvens.
"I can't imagine greater bliss!" Stultus replied delightedly, nearly crowing with joy throughout the courtyard.
"See, my inquisitive student, you've answered your own question!" Lokvens concluded. "The kitchen is the gateway to a world of eternal joy and bliss. But not everyone is fortunate enough to enter it before hatching. Some of us are destined for a bitter fate; we had to hatch from an egg, grow up, mature, and lead a righteous life to earn the journey to ultimate and eternal bliss in the kitchen!"
"And what happens to those who don't lead righteous lives?" asked the restless Stultus.
“The fallen hens and roosters who turned away from Ingens will be punished by the damned Ferret or his half-sister Vulpis,” Lokvens answered.
"Who are these?" Stultus asked in horror.
"The Cook calls one of them Ferret, and the other Fox," Lokvens replied. "But fear not, my friend. Believe in your destiny, always be righteous, follow the covenants and traditions, and I assure you that you will find your way to the Kitchen. The greatest blessing is to grow and fatten quickly. I've often observed that fatter hens are more likely to find their way to the Kitchen. Those that are poorly fed and therefore thinner, their feathers unkempt, their eyes dull, their combs limp, are more likely to find their way to the Kitchen."
"Why haven't you made it to the Kitchen yet, venerable Lokvens?" Stultus asked.
"Have you forgotten that the great Ingensa decreed that every farmstead must always have an experienced Rooster?" Lokvens asked, surprised. "My main duty is to trample the hens. And that is my heavy cross, which, as you know, I bear with dignity and humility. But someday, believe me, I will stop doing this. Then, perhaps, you will take my place, and I will be taken to the Kitchen. I hope that my life was sufficiently righteous, and that I diligently ate fat and meat, since I never stopped pecking at everything I managed to dig up in the master's yard, and everything that the Mistress gave us by the will of the great Ingensa." I firmly believe that neither Ferret nor Vulpis will take my soul, and even if that were to happen, our faithful guard, Dog Canem, would rescue me from them, and I would still end up, one way or another, in the Kitchen. I wish it would happen already! Eat better, so you can be a worthy replacement for me.
"Thank you for the lesson, wise Lokvens!" Stultus replied, and began to peck with particular care at the tiny crumbs that only he could see against the brown earth.
Chapter 3. How Muraka was discovered
"Tell me, Uncle, how was Muraka discovered?" one chick asked the rooster, Lokvens.
"Very simple!" Loquence replied. "A Spanish pigeon laid an egg."
"That's it?" asked Rustik the Chicken.
"As I said, the pigeon was Spanish, that's why it was named Columbus," Lokvens clarified. "The egg wouldn't stand upright. Then Columbus did something to it, and after that, it stood upright easily."
"And then?" asked the Chicken.
"And then Columbus said, 'That's exactly how I discovered Muraka,'" Lokvens concluded. "At least, that's the story an old rooster, my great-grandfather, told me when he was still alive, before he came to the Kitchen. But that's not the whole truth. There's a secret to this whole affair."
"What secret?" Rusticus asked Chicken in horror.
"Columbus's egg was actually a chicken's egg," Lokvens replied. "Yes, indeed, the whole world knows about it. Not just in our village, but in the neighboring one, and even in some other village somewhere, I don't know where. But I once heard that there are not only our village and the neighboring one, but also two or three other villages in the world, but only very far away."
“It’s probably all a lie after all,” Chicken suggested.
"Of course it's a lie," Lokvens agreed. "The neighboring village exists, that's for sure, but the idea that there are two or three more villages somewhere else—that's complete nonsense!"
"And Muraka? Does she exist?" Chicken persisted.
"Of course it does! It's just an egg, and for some reason it stays upright!" Lokvens replied. "Ask me more of those tricky questions, or you'll end up in the Kitchen when the time comes, you fool. One must prepare for the great final journey to the Kitchen all one's life. The Great Ingensa said that one's whole life is preparation for the Kitchen."
"Can I ask another question tomorrow?" asked the Chicken.
“Ask away, my friend, ask away, after all, you have to somehow acquire a higher education,” Lokvens answered graciously and, covering his eyes with a film, began to doze.
Chapter 4. Pearl Eggs
One young hen laid a pearl egg.
"Why did you do this?" asked Fugax the Chicken.
"Sorry, it was an accident, I won't do it again!" the Chicken replied.
"Of course you won't!" retorted Fugax the Chicken. "That's not the question. The question is, why did you do it, or, shall we say, why did you act like that? Do you want to look different from everyone else?"
“I don’t know why it happened,” answered the Young Hen.
"She wants the Rooster to pay attention only to her," thought Fugax. "That can't be allowed!"
“I think you’re a heretic,” Fugax said.
"Not at all!" cried the Young Hen. "Anything but that!"
"Whatever?!" Fugax exclaimed. "So, you're an atheist, then?!"
The Young Hen did not know what this word meant.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “Maybe you’re right.”
"No, just listen to what she's saying!" Fugax protested. "She's saying, 'Maybe you're right!' What is that, I ask you?"
“Peck her,” said Meretrix the Hen, and pecked the Young Hen first.
The other chickens also pecked at her once or twice.
The owner saw this and decided that the Young Chicken would not take root in the hen house.
"Well, I was just thinking about making a roast," she thought. "This hen doesn't seem to be laying eggs very well. I haven't seen a single egg from her yet!"
The hostess took the Young Chicken to the Kitchen.
"We were wrong," Fugax the Chicken said with a sigh. "She was a righteous woman, it seems. After all, she was taken to the Kitchen at such a young age! Well, that's her high destiny!"
"Oh, I envy her so!" said Meretrix the Hen. "I wish I could be pecked too and taken to the Kitchen as soon as possible!"
However, she saw the Rooster sidling up to her and decided that the Kitchen could wait.
Chapter 5. Paradise in tobacco with my sweetheart
Before he'd even had time to dry off from the egg fluid, the young rooster Roma had already learned that his clan, led by the rooster Monte Carlo, was feuding with the clan of the rooster Kaplun-Yeti. He was still a five-week-old yellow fluffball when he encountered the four-week-old chick Yulia. He offered her half an earthworm and watched with delight as she deftly handled it. But his mother, calling out to him, informed him that Yulia was a chick from the rooster Kaplun-Yeti's plan.
"Let's run to the neighboring yard and peck at some grains there together!" he whispered to Yulia.
" Oh, how romantic!" squeaked Yulia. "The offer is tempting, but I can't agree right away. Come sit under my perch tonight, and we'll talk."
Roma came to the perch of Kaplun-Yeti, but Yulia was not there, because she was still very small and could not fly up to the perch.
"Our happiness is unattainable!" Roma exclaimed. "Yesterday, the Mistress said she needed two chickens. She mentioned something about tobacco. I know it's some kind of plant. It probably has delicious seeds. But what difference does it make? Yulia and I will run away from everyone, and let the Mistress take us and give us that very tobacco!"
The next morning, he explained his idea to Yulia. She agreed it was even more romantic than running away to the neighboring yard, where, by the way, Dog Kanem lived.
In the morning, both chicks waited impatiently for the Mistress to come out into the yard. As soon as she did, the two of them rushed towards her as fast as they could.
"Just what I need!" exclaimed the Hostess. "One big one for my husband, one smaller one for me! The tobacco chickens will be lovely!"
She picked up Roma and Yulia and carried them to the kitchen.
"Let's end this old feud!" said Monte Carlo Rooster to Kaplun-Yeti Rooster. "Our children have joined together on some new and very romantic journey!"
"They were taken to the Kitchen, so eternal bliss awaits them!" agreed Kaplun-Yeti.
"There is no happier story in the world than the story of Roma Monte Carlo and Yula Kaplun-Yeti!" said Rooster Lokvens philosophically.
Chapter 6. The Moon
"What is the Moon?" asked Young Rooster Stultus.
"There are three versions," Old Rooster Lokvens replied. "The generally accepted, historically established one, and mine, the most correct one."
"Very interesting!" Stultus exclaimed.
"Historically, it's been thought of as a piece of cheese," said Lokvens. "The idea came from observing irregularities on the moon, which for some reason reminded some people of holes in cheese. That's complete nonsense!"
"Very interesting!" Stultus repeated.
"It's generally accepted, however, that the Moon is a pancake," Lokvens continued. "This opinion is based on the obvious fact that the Moon is not round, but flat. Of course, if the Moon were round, we would see its other sides from time to time. But we always see it the same way, so it always faces us from only one side, which makes it perfectly obvious that it has this 'one side.' And if it were round, it wouldn't have 'one side.'"
"Of course!" Stultus exclaimed, although he didn't understand a thing.
"The truth is, the Moon is a pizza," Lokvens explained. "After all, a pancake is known to be soft, and it would have long ago curled up. But the Moon is obviously strong. Therefore, it has hard edges. The cheese idea had a positive basis, so my version harmoniously combines two less-than-perfect theories into a single, highly accurate one. Want proof?"
“No,” Stultus answered.
"Fool!" exclaimed Lokvens. "Always demand scientific evidence when discussing scientific theories!"
"I demand proof!" Stultus exclaimed.
"How smart you've become, kid, since your penultimate sentence!" Lokvens responded approvingly. "So listen up! The moon is the best pizza in the world, because even its hard edges are hidden beneath a layer of cheese! And it always shows us its most delicious side, because it was created for us by the great Ingens!"
"Excellent evidence!" Stultus said admiringly.
"I see, kid, you're a quick learner," said a pleased Lokvens. "Know that our ancestors, the chickens, dug the Black Sea with their paws and simultaneously piled up the Caucasus Mountains. But some of the dust raised during this titanic labor has forever risen into the sky, forming the Great Dust Road, which you see at night when there are no clouds."
"And the stars?" Stultus asked.
"These are tiny glass shards and other shiny stones that our ancestors scooped up so vigorously when they dug out the Black Sea that they, too, flew into the sky and remained there," Lokvens explained. "And the clouds are clouds of fluff from those same ancestors!"
"Our ancestors were great chickens!" Stultus said admiringly.
"That's exactly why they were all taken to the Kitchen!" Lokvens agreed. "And the same thing awaits us."
"What is the Black Sea?" Stultus asked. "And what are the Caucasus Mountains?"
"The Black Sea is such a huge puddle, it's even three times bigger than the famous Mirgorod puddle, the one that's so difficult to wade across in summer and spring. And the Caucasus Mountains are three times bigger than the biggest pile of manure, the one in the neighboring yard!"
"Tomorrow I'll ask what 'three' is, what 'spring' is, and what 'autumn' is," thought Stultus. "Perhaps then I'll know almost everything in the world!"
Chapter 7. Bird Language
One chicken was outraged that people were making and selling chocolate eggs, as well as “Faberge eggs.”
"These are counterfeits that violate our copyright!" she protested. "I demand that the name 'chocolate eggs' be banned and that they be called 'chocolate confectionery in the shape of a chicken egg' instead. This more accurately reflects their true nature. I also demand that the name 'Faberge eggs' be banned. They should be called 'Jewelry in the shape of a chicken egg in the style of master Carl Faberg;.'"
"Try getting those featherless bipeds, fit only for spilling millet, to listen to your words," grumbled old Rooster Lokvens. "They didn't even listen to my wisest advice, which would have been for them to wake us Roosters with their cry of 'Chick-chick-chick!' A wonderful cry, since they, humans, have a Pavlovian reflex; when they shout that, something makes them scatter feed all over the yard. But no way! Instead, they prefer to be woken up. And they themselves will never get out of bed until one of us crows, and not just once, but three, or even five times!"
"Then let's first introduce this useful innovation in our poultry yard, and then, perhaps, even the undemocratic Housewives will catch up to our standards!" suggested young Rooster Stultus.
"Well, whatever you say, I don't believe it," Lokwens grumbled. "These are wild creatures! They don't even have perches! They're forced to sleep on some kind of mattresses. And they don't have feathers, so they dress themselves in this monstrosity they call clothing! How could they possibly understand the lofty style and the noble and precise terminology of the great Bird Language?"
"So, it's decided, we'll try to pass this resolution," said Preses the hen, who never missed a chance to be the chair of anything. "I'll put it to a vote. Is anyone against my proposal?"
After that, she glared at Henpacked the rooster, who glared back at all the other hens. As usual, no one said anything.
"It's been adopted unanimously," Preses said, scratching the ground with her right paw as a sign of the finality of the decision. "Allow us to consider our impromptu meeting closed."
All the hens began to dig the ground again in search of food, and the chicks loudly admired the wisdom of the hens, especially the hen Preses.
For two whole days the birds used the most precise and great Bird Language in the world.
On the third day, one of the well-developed chicks, named Obediens, ran up to Dog Canem and began to chirp loudly and excitedly.
"I don't understand anything," Kanem barked back. "Please speak more slowly."
"The youngest male chicken, named Infelicis, set out on a short journey around the outside of the fence," the chicken began, speaking as slowly, clearly, and in a well-trained voice as possible, as if delivering a scientific report. "Unfortunately, he failed to ensure beforehand that there were no dangerous factors that could turn his recreational stroll into the last event of his short life, due to the fatal consequences of an encounter with a mammal belonging to the carnivorous group, whose diet does not exclude certain small and medium-sized birds. This fatal confluence of circumstances could lead to lethal consequences for the aforementioned youngest male chicken, named Infelicis." In this regard, it should be considered most desirable for the earliest possible intervention by third parties to these events, preferably in the form of a guard mammal, such as a sexually mature male dog, inhabiting a real poultry yard and named Canem, so that said Canem can intercede for said youngest male chicken, in the form of a chick, named Infelicis, to rescue him from an attack by a rather large, medium-sized mammal of the common polecat species, named Ferret. The urgency of said intervention is dictated by the urgent need to protect said youngest male chicken, in the form of a chick, named Infelicis, from attacks on his health, freedom, and even life by said Ferret, in connection with the purpose of using him for food.
"I lost my train of thought on the sixth word," Kanem said. "Could you repeat your request again?"
This time, Obediens attempted to explain his point even more clearly, so he began with a review of the historical background of the events, touching on the fact that even in the Stone Age, there were instances of certain carnivorous mammals attacking birds for food, as evidenced by the rock carvings of ancient Mistresses, known as petroglyphs. The speaker also touched on more recent years and, finally, touched on the current state of affairs.
Having finished his report, the speaker discovered that the dog Kanem had been asleep for a long time.
"Wake up, Kanem!" the chicken screamed. "There's a ferret behind the fence that grabbed the chicken."
Kanem jumped up and ran in the indicated direction, but it was too late. Not a feather remained of the chick. And the ferret itself was already gone.
"And yet, Obediens's report went off without a hitch," Preses the hen summed things up. "I propose we accept this new reality on first reading. Who's against it?"
Here Preses again looked fiercely at the rooster Henpacked, but he pretended not to see Preses and not to hear her.
"Well, I don't know," said Rustic the Chicken. "It might be, of course, but on the other hand, it might not be entirely so."
"Biff!" Kanem barked sleepily, having warmed himself in the sun and fallen asleep on the sixth word of the hen Preses.
Chapter 8. Faust
A rooster named Faust decided to summon Ferret the Weasel and sell him his soul for the secret of youth. The idea came to him while examining his paw print. He circled it and realized it was a symbol capable of summoning Ferret. The rooster stood there for a long time, muttering something incoherent, not noticing that dusk had fallen. And at dusk, Ferret always comes, as the wise rooster Lokvens once rightly observed.
So Ferret the Weasel came and wanted to catch Faust, but was very surprised that Faust had no intention of running away. This confused Ferret for a moment.
"Oh, Ferret!" cried Faust. "I have summoned you! You came here in obedience to my spells, so obey me!"
"Interesting!" said Ferret. "Please continue."
"Tell me the secret of eternal youth, and in exchange, take my soul!" Faust proclaimed.
"Okay!" agreed Ferret, who wasn't particularly hungry this time, so he actually enjoyed playing a new game. "Listen! To regain your lost youth, you need to fit entirely into the shell of a newly hatched chick."
"So simple!" Faust rejoiced. "I'll try your method tomorrow morning! Thank you, oh Ferret!"
Ferret the ferret licked his lips and went off to finish eating the squirrel he had caught the day before.
In the morning, Faust went to the chicken coop, waited for the next chick to hatch, collected all the shells, and retreated to a secluded corner for his experiments. He spent the entire day trying to reassemble the shells around him into whole eggs. But nothing worked, and the shells broke into smaller and smaller pieces. By evening, Faust was completely exhausted and headed to the fence to summon Ferret again.
He imprinted his chicken foot on the ground again, circled the imprint and began to mumble something unintelligible.
Ferret did not keep us waiting and reappeared at the beginning of dusk.
"Ferret!" Faust exclaimed. "You've deceived me! Your method is very difficult to use! I couldn't do it!"
"Did I say this method was simple?" asked Ferret the Weasel. "Since you haven't tried my method, you can't say it doesn't work."
“What should I do?” asked Faust.
"When you made the contract with me, you didn't say it wasn't an offer, did you?" asked Ferret. "The terms of the contract were stated, there was no indication that it wasn't an offer. I accepted them, therefore, the contract is concluded. So, you must repay me by giving me your soul."
"Do you think so?" Faust asked just in case.
“I’m sure!” Ferret replied.
After this, he took Faust in his teeth and carried him to his hole, where hungry children were waiting for him.
"Soul and body are one," Ferret said philosophically, gnawing on the last bone. "It's impossible to take the soul without destroying the body. All followers of Faust should know this."
Chapter 9. The Miracle Worker
One day, a little rooster named Lazar tripped and fell on his back. Afterward, he lay motionless on his back, his paws up.
The chickens surrounded Lazarus and began to cry.
Rooster Nazar walked past.
“What are you making noise about?” he asked.
"Our glorious Lazarus is dead!" the chickens said, continuing to sob.
Nazar approached Lazar.
"Get up and walk!" he cried, kicking Lazarus painfully in the side.
Lazar jumped up and ran wherever his eyes looked, reaching almost the very end of the poultry yard.
"He's a miracle worker!" whispered one chicken to another.
"Of course!" the second one confirmed. "Just don't tell anyone about this."
After this, the first hen told the news to her friend standing to her left, and the second hen told the friend standing to her right. Within a couple of minutes, all the hens knew that the rooster Nazar was a miracle worker.
"Can you turn water into wine?" one of the hens asked Nazar, the very one who had first suggested that he was a miracle worker.
“I can, but I don’t feel like it,” Nazar replied and headed towards the fresh pile, which probably still contained undigested oat grains.
"What is wine?" asked the Second Chicken.
“I don’t know exactly, but it’s something extraordinary,” answered the First Chicken.
"What is wine?" Rooster Nazar asked Porcus the Pig.
"It's a heavenly delight," Porkus replied. "Frozen and slightly moldy potatoes need to sit in a warm place for a while, after which you should eat as many as possible. It makes you feel full and sleepy."
Chapter 10. Somniator
A rooster named Somniator decided it would be better to be a chicken. He thought for a long time about how he could become one.
Wise Rooster Lokvens tried to dissuade him from this idea for a long time, but in the end he decided that the fewer competitors, the better.
"You need to lose what separates a rooster from a hen," he said thoughtfully. "We might be able to pluck your tail, but gnawing off your comb and beard—that'll be a more difficult job."
"Isn't losing your tail enough?" asked Somniator.
"No, not enough," Lokvens replied. "And by the way, I still need to gnaw off your spurs. I'll think about who would be best to invite for this role—Farret the Ferret, Vulpis the Fox, or some regular barn rats. In the meantime, you learn to lay eggs."
"Where should I take it?" asked Somniator.
“ Out of myself,” answered Loveckens. “Into the white light.”
"This is all too complicated," the Rooster said thoughtfully. "I'll hold off on these metamorphoses for now."
"Hmm," Lokvens said thoughtfully. "I wonder why people think chickens are stupid? They're probably just jealous. By the way, Rooster, keep in mind that you voluntarily refused the services of Ferret Farret and Fox Vulpis. I say this in case they suddenly decide to blame me for dissuading you from using their services."
"Would I really have become a Chicken if they'd taken me on?" asked Somniator.
"Undoubtedly!" Lokvens replied. "I just can't say how long. It might even be a very, very, very short time. Two or three minutes."
"And then?" asked Somniator.
"You know, I'm not in the mood right now to speculate about things that won't happen," Lokvens replied. "You've changed your mind, haven't you? Or am I mistaken?"
"I changed my mind," Somniator replied sadly. "But thanks for getting it done anyway. Maybe I should just dye my tail? Or what?"
"You know, my brother, if you simply wanted to stand out from the crowd, then the first method is too radical, and the second is not effective enough," Lokvens replied. "We roosters have tails that come in all sorts of colors; you won't surprise anyone with that."
"What should I do?" asked Somniator. "How can I stand out from the other roosters and hens?"
"Standing out with intelligence isn't an option?" Lokvens asked. "The way I look at our henhouse, it's a sure thing. Intelligence or education. You'll definitely be different from everyone else. Even from me."
“It’s even harder than laying eggs,” Somniator answered with a heavy sigh.
"Then here's another option," Lokvens suggested. "Give up any idea of standing out from everyone else. That way, you'll definitely stand out from any rooster. And you'll look like an ordinary hen."
"Really?" asked Somniator.
"May I never end up in the Kitchen if I'm lying," Lokvens replied. "May Ferret drag me off!"
It was a very terrible oath.
Chapter 11. Raccoon Raccoon's Observations
Raccoon the raccoon, who lived nearby, took notes while observing the chicken coop. Here they are.
Malherba Chickens 1
(Based on Luigi Malerba)
Song One
One day the Chickens found out everything,
I don’t know where and how anymore,
Maybe some fool told them,
After all, a smart person will hardly undertake to enlighten Kur,
Well, in a word, it came down to them to realize,
That the whole Earth is a sphere.
Then they started to go crazy,
There's no way to calm them down!
“We’re going to fall now, by God!”
How to find the road to salvation?
We need to form a chain
And take each other by the wing, -
One of them said:
Then we won't have much trouble.
We will surely be saved then!
Friends, here is my hand for you all,
That is, a wing!
Let us save ourselves in spite of all our enemies!”
Well then? If they decided so,
My chickens are busy here,
Everyone hugged each other,
And so they go, so as not to get into trouble.
I don’t know how long we walked,
But they didn’t spare any effort,
To support each other
And God forbid that we should not leave Earth.
Each one is already feeling dizzy,
We walked only a little, just to the fence,
And each friend is barely alive,
And they are no longer happy about the white light.
“Girlfriends, this is too much! –
Said the Chicken alone.
We won't be walking around like this until late, will we?
We need a break.
Let's lie down and rest,
And then we'll all walk in a row again,
Yes, we should look for it.
According to reliable signs and omens,
The place is delicate for relaxation,
In which the Earth is not round, but square!
Well, that's what we decided on.
Having rested, they got down to business,
They walked side by side across the world
Look for a square planet.
___________
I'll tell you the moral now, my friends.
Another fool cannot even know the truth.
Chapter 12. Raccoon Raccoon's Observations
Malerba Chickens 2
Song Two
(Based on Luigi Malerba)
Once upon a time there lived a Chicken,
I am very depressed by universal melancholy.
There are reasons for sadness, I must tell you,
It is always possible to find something.
And it worried the poor thing,
Everything that I heard from the yard,
Well, she sighed heavily,
I was only upset from night until morning,
Then from morning until night,
And all the while my head is scratching.
I confess, but only between us,
Why do we sometimes scratch our heads ourselves?
She withdrew into herself, no matter how you beat her or cut her!
She hid in the farthest corner
And so, scratching myself, strand by strand,
I scraped out all the feathers and combed out the bald spot.
And with such a bald head,
What a laughing stock to show,
She hid herself and was completely out of sight,
To grieve even more there.
But one day, some Rooster
I asked her about it casually:
Why are you huddled in the corner?
Under the burdock?
After all, it’s probably not Paradise there,
Is life at an end?
We all see that life is not easy for you.
Tell me, friend, what is your problem?
Here my Chicken, sighing heavily,
And in a voice suitable only for a widow,
This is how the poor thing answered the Cockerel:
"My problem is a bald spot on my head."
___________
Others live a hard life
It's not because life is really harsh,
And because, besides the bad,
They don't recognize anything in her.
Chapter 13. Sunset
One Chicken Meretrix was admiring the sunset.
"Isn't the sunset magnificent?" Rooster Lokvens asked her. "The sunrise, by the way, is also very beautiful!"
"Sunrise?" asked Meretrix. "What's the difference between sunset and sunrise?"
“You see, senora, if you stand as you are, the sunset will be on your left and the sunrise on your right,” Lokvens replied, and quietly clucking to himself a quiet song corresponding to the time of sunset, he went off to do his business.
"Stand the way I stand?" Meretrix asked herself. "I always stand chic because I'm a chic Chicken and I look chic in everything!"
She wanted to admire herself again, so she turned back to the puddle that served as a mirror for the chickens. Then she noticed that the sun was now to her right.
"Sunset to the left, sunrise to the right," she repeated. "So now I can see the sunrise. Well, that looks pretty good too. But the sunset was much better!"
She went to the hen house to share the news with the other chickens.
Since Meretrix was considered a connoisseur of all things beautiful, since her feathers were always perfectly groomed and styled, no one doubted her words.
Now the whole henhouse knew that sunset was much more beautiful than sunrise.
Chapter 14. Fleur
One chicken, Fleur, suddenly realized she could fly. For some unknown reason, her wings were strong enough, her feathers broad enough, and her tail flexible enough that she could easily fly not only to a perch, which every chicken and even some particularly nimble and grown chickens managed, but she could even fly over a fence and—horrible thing!—fly higher than a barn!
"A witch, or a heretic, or an outcast has appeared among us," said Chicken Preses. "We must call a meeting and decide on this matter of extreme emergency."
"I propose we trample her!" said the young Rooster Purgamentum-Vomanizer.
“It’ll be fine,” Galina the Chicken snapped, and Meretrix the Chicken playfully winked at the Cockerel.
“Clip her wings and tail,” said Rooster Diligence.
“We don’t have any scissors or knives,” Preses reminded.
“Let’s set them on fire,” suggested Pyrophila Chicken.
“We don’t have a fire,” Preses objected.
They argued and consulted for a long time, but not a single proposal was suitable for implementation.
“Okay, I’ll pluck my longest feathers myself,” said Fleur the Hen.
“Okay, when will you do it?” Preses asked.
“This very night,” answered Fleur the Hen.
All night long, Fleur the Hen collected feathers from around the yard and made a rather large pile of them. In the morning, she showed this pile of feathers to the other Hens.
“Look, I plucked all these feathers from my wings and tail,” said Fleur the Hen.
"Are you really unable to fly now?" Preses asked sternly.
"Yes, see for yourself!" said Fleur the Hen.
She picked up speed to fly up the fence, but she deliberately flapped her wings so weakly that she couldn’t even fly halfway.
“This fool has overdone it,” Galina the Chicken whispered in Meretrix the Chicken’s ear.
Galina never actually spoke to Meretrix, considering it beneath her dignity, but this was an unusual opportunity, as she could legitimately say something nasty about her friend. It was an opportunity she couldn't miss, and the other Kurs were too far away from her.
"I think she cut her wings and tail really short," Merethrix declared. "I'll get the same!"
And although Chicken Fleur had not plucked a single feather from herself, Meretrix actually decided that she had considerably fewer feathers.
That same evening, Meretrix plucked her longest feathers. As she walked around the yard, Rooster Purgamentum-Vomaniser kept a particularly close eye on her.
"You have a charming gait, mademoiselle!" he said to her.
And Galina the Chicken looked at Meretrix with disdain, measuring her with her gaze from head to toe.
"Ugh! A miniskirt!" she said. "How vulgar. That's the fashion of the season before last!"
Sometimes Fleur the Hen really wanted to fly, but she endured it. And when she couldn't stand it any longer, she waited until the very middle of the darkest night and then soared up to the roof, circled the barn a few times, and then returned to the coop as quickly as possible.
"They say all chickens are stupid," Raccoon said thoughtfully. "Even among the stupidest creatures, you can sometimes find one that's not so stupid."
Chapter 15. Raccoon Raccoon's Observations
Malerba Chickens 3
Song Three
(Based on Luigi Malerba)
One chicken from the Chickens
She's become too arrogant
Deciding that she had an Etruscan profile.
It's not even convenient to eat potatoes with this one,
Or peck at dung.
It is convenient to take one of the poses with him,
So that everyone can admire this beauty.
Although, I'll tell you honestly,
There is not a grain of Etruscan in her features.
Of course, it was too early for her to become so arrogant.
Here's the pose she's taken. What next?
You can't stand like a statue forever!
But I can walk as I did before,
It's time to stop.
She walked, stumbled and fell.
It would be hard to expect anything else,
If you keep your head to the side all the time!
You can't see the road!
How should I walk here?
And it’s lucky that she wasn’t badly hurt!
She broke her leg and broke her neck.
"Ah! I can't get any prettier now!"
Cackling, but barely alive from fear.
The head returned to its original place,
After all, the dislocation turned out to be so successful,
That it is of no use to health,
However, the head now sits as it should,
And it doesn’t interfere with either walking or viewing.
But, although he walks, he limps.
And it doesn't shine with an Etruscan profile.
___________
Let's say everyone wants to be noticed.
Be neither ridiculous nor vain in this.
To boast of dubious virtue
By God, it's no good.
Chapter 16. Expert
One Chicken, Tumultum, decided that she was the best expert on everything.
"Is this really an egg?" she reproached the young Hen, who had laid only her fifth egg in her life. "Listen, my dear, laying eggs isn't your thing. You don't have the gift, the talent. But if you really want to be a layer, practice laying quail or pigeon eggs for now. They're smaller, so maybe you can handle it. But you still have a long way to go before you can lay chicken eggs!"
Another time she saw the young Petushki warming up.
"Is this a cockfight?" she exclaimed. "Or are you dancing? Oh, get out of my sight, don't disgrace yourself!"
When Crested Hen laid a brown egg, Hen Tumultum went completely berserk.
"What is this!" she exclaimed. "If an egg is white, it should be white; if it's brown, it should be a rich brown! You might as well lay a red egg, my dear, or a blue one! Where has anyone ever seen such a thing? Don't waste your energy; go back to tradition. Lay white eggs, and leave the brown ones to professionals like me."
Seeing that Galina the Hen was about to divide the fat worm between her chickens, Tumultum immediately intervened.
"Don't do that, my dear!" she exclaimed. "Fatty foods are bad for young organisms! This worm is too fatty, it's full of calories! They'll get early cellulite. This worm needs to be examined."
She came up and unceremoniously pecked at the fat worm.
"It seems we got away with it this time. The worm was relatively safe, but not for young, immature organisms," she stated authoritatively. "All worms and questionably large grains of corn, millet, peas, and millet should definitely be examined."
She was so loud and boisterous that no one dared argue with her. Even the roosters preferred to stay away from her.
This Hen began to examine all the best chicken food, meaning she'd gobble it up for three and cluck furiously at all the other hens. And she simply wouldn't let the chickens rest.
“Tumultum is cackling so much that it’s driving me crazy,” the Master said to the Mistress.
"Just wait two days," the Mistress replied. "She's fattened up nicely, and I'm going to roast her for our daughter's name day."
And so it happened.
There were no more experts in the henhouse. But no one was upset by this loss.
Chapter 17. Imagined
One hen, Patubam, imagined she was driving a car. She started running around the yard, honking her horn like a car. But since she didn't give way to the other hens, the hens were displeased and spat on her back.
In the evening, Chicken Patubam noticed that her entire back was covered in spit.
"We must ban pigeons from flying over the poultry yard!" she said, tucking her head under her wing and falling asleep.
The next day, she raced around the yard even faster and knocked down two chickens that were peacefully wandering around. The angry chickens tried to rip at least a feather from her tail, and some of them succeeded.
In the evening, Chicken Patubam noticed that her tail had become noticeably thinner.
"It must have been the mice that plucked my tail!" she said. "I'll give them what for tomorrow!"
The next morning, Patubam was about to run around the yard even faster and catch the mice that were attacking her feathers. But she couldn't get up because it turned out someone had tied her paws with rope during the night.
“What happened?” she asked.
"They took away your driver's license," Rooster Lokvens replied. "For one day, and then we'll see."
The next day, Chicken Patubum discovered that her legs were no longer tied, but for some reason she no longer felt like running around the yard and knocking over other Chickens.
Chapter 18. The Busy Girl
A hen named Bastle saw a pebble lying in the chicken yard, which she thought was untidy. It would have been better to place it on the other side of the pebble.
She took it in her beak and moved it to the place that seemed more suitable for this stone.
“It’s much better now!” she said.
After that, her attention was drawn to another stone, slightly larger, which she also thought would be better placed elsewhere. She moved this stone as well and was very pleased with the result.
"Hey, Bastle, what are you doing?" asked Chicken Preses.
"I'm cleaning up the poultry yard!" Bastle replied.
“That’s good,” Preses replied.
Preses was in a good mood, having already pecked her fill of grain, even catching and eating a few bugs and one rather fat worm. So she covered her eyes with a film and dozed off.
Meanwhile, Bastle, encouraged by Chicken Preses, began to look out for something else to move somewhere else to make it better.
He who seeks will find, as Dog Kanem once said.
So Bastle found another stone that would be good to move.
So she moved the stones and became very tired. She even mistakenly moved some stones back to the place from which she had taken them, or close to it. This is not surprising, since after moving so many stones, some turned out to be more appropriate in their original places.
Finally, Bastle noticed that no one was helping her.
"Listen, Chickens!" she said. "I'm running around like a squirrel in a wheel, working tirelessly, and I don't think anyone's helping me! As if I'm the only one who needs this!"
“That’s right,” said Rooster Lockvens and went to rummage through the trash heap, which he hadn’t had time to examine yet today.
The other Hens and Roosters also showed no enthusiasm for Bastle's suggestion to start hauling stones from place to place. It was much more pleasant to peck at grains, or at least nibble on grass. And even better would be catching some insects. If you were to pick up a stone, it would be to swallow it, to fill your crop with individual pebbles for grinding food. But not just any stone would do! And hauling from place to place! - No way!
This is what every Hen and every Rooster thought.
"Just look at me!" Bastle fumed. "They're just making fun of me! Everyone's busy with their own business, and it's as if the common good doesn't concern them!"
One young Chicken Rustic decided to help Chicken Bustle, he took one stone and moved it to another place.
"What are you doing!" Bastle exclaimed. "That pebble was already where it needed to be! You're not helping, you're just getting in the way! Better go away and get out of my way!"
Bastle took the pebble that Rustik had moved and put it back.
Rustic shrugged his shoulders and went to peck at the grains.
"Where are you going?!" Bastle cried. "Come back right now! I didn't let you go, and the work isn't finished yet!"
"Okay, which stone needs to be moved where?" asked Rustic.
"It's hard to explain, you won't understand anyway, just stand by and help me!" Bastle replied.
"How can I help if I can't touch the stones?" asked Rustic.
"How stupid of you!" Bastle protested. "Don't you get it? You need to do what I ask, and not do what I don't ask, and stay out of my way, and don't give me stupid advice that makes me angry, and don't ask stupid questions that only make me more angry! Most importantly, don't ignore my work so openly and brazenly or pretend I'm doing all this for myself. It infuriates me when I work alone and everyone else pretends it doesn't concern them. Don't stand aside, don't pretend to help, but help with your actions, not your words, but just don't get in my way, don't touch anything, and obey me."
“Then I’ll just wait until you ask me to do something, and I’ll do it,” Rustic guessed.
"That's what you're all like!" Bastle protested. "You expect me to grovel, beg, plead! But you can't just see a woman in need, walk up to her, and offer assistance! All you can do is stand there and comment! As if I'm the only one who needs that!"
Bustle the Chicken liked this phrase so much that she decided to repeat it for the third time.
"Everyone around me is acting like I'm the only one who needs this and no one else has anything to do with it!" she said. "And if only someone would help!"
“But I…” said Rustic.
"Shut up!" Bastle shouted. "Don't make me lose my temper. You've already ruined my mood enough! It would be better if you didn't try to help. That would be more honest, at least. Otherwise, you only pretend to help, but in reality, you're just getting in the way!"
Rustic turned and left silently.
"Where are you going? Come back!" Bastle ordered.
But Rustic didn't return. He went to see what the other chickens were doing.
"One was a normal young Rooster, but he was an egotist, a critic, an ignoramus, and a bungler," Bastle summed up. "And, what's more, he was still just a Chicken!"
All day long, Bastle the Hen hauled pebbles, then sticks, twigs, and leaves. Exhausted, she remembered she'd forgotten to eat only after sunset. After pecking at something vaguely resembling grains—it was hard to tell in the twilight—Bastle filled her stomach with all sorts of junk, half of which was definitely not fit for consumption. Afterward, she flew up to her perch and settled down to sleep.
"You run around for them, toil, spin like a squirrel in a wheel, and no one appreciates it, no one helps!" she grumbled. "As if I'm the only one who needs this!"
After that she fell asleep, because she was truly completely exhausted during the day.
Chapter 19. Challenge
A rooster named Provocate saw a Hen Dependence swallow a huge earthworm in one gulp.
"Bravo, Dependence!" he exclaimed. "You've outdone them all!"
This did not please the Chicken named Invidia.
"Big deal!" she said. "I could swallow a mouse!"
She caught the mouse and demonstratively swallowed it.
"And I could swallow a whole mouse!" Dependence retorted.
She actually caught the mouse and pecked it.
"And I'll catch and swallow a big lizard!" said Invidia.
She chased after the lizard, but after she grabbed it, only the lizard's tail remained in her beak.
Invidia didn't lose her composure and pretended to swallow the lizard whole.
No one noticed the deception.
"I'll catch and eat a whole snake!" Dependence exclaimed.
There were no snakes nearby, and while Dependence was looking for a snake, Invidia decided to get ahead of her.
"I could eat a kitten!" she exclaimed and ran noisily after the kitten from the owner's cat.
But the kitten was already smart, he realized that it would be better for him to hide from the Chicken under the porch, which he did with lightning speed.
"What do I care about a kitten?" Dependence exclaimed. "I'll swallow a full-grown cat!"
She went to look for the Cat. She didn't find the Cat.
"And I'll eat Ferret!" Invidia declared.
"But Ferret the Weasel lives on the other side of the fence!" said the Rooster to the Provocateur. "Would you really dare go there now, in the twilight?"
"Twilight is the perfect time to hunt Ferrets!" Invidia said, stepping outside the fence.
"Hey, chickens, have you been pecking at the fermented grain from the beer wort?" asked Rooster Lokvens. "Or have you been eating too many fly agarics? Or maybe breathing in too much paint from the outbuilding?"
"None of that happened," Rooster replied to Provoker. "They have enough of their own nonsense."
"Why are you inciting them to such nonsense?" Lokvens asked.
"I've decided to start a blog," Provokare replied. "Tomorrow morning I'll crow to the whole yard about today's events. The other Chickens will like me and donate."
"Some bird language again," Lokvens grumbled and went to bed. "Don't make any noise here. I have to get up early tomorrow. I get up with the Roosters, unlike some people."
Invidia didn't return to the poultry yard. I don't know for what reason. Perhaps she really did find Ferret the Weasel in the nearby forest. But that's unlikely. At the time, Vulpis the Fox had four young foxes, and she was especially frequenting the poultry yard. So everything points to the fact that the foxes were fed that evening.
Invidia the Chicken was unlucky. She wanted to fight Ferret the Weasel, but instead encountered Vulpis the Fox.
But for some reason it seems that the difference for her would not be great.
Chapter 20. A New Look
One Chicken Peregrinus visited Paris and then returned home.
“You know, I haven’t been home for a long time,” she said. “What’s the date here today?”
“Thursday,” the other Chickens answered her.
"What a coincidence!" Hen Peregrinus was surprised. "And the date and month?"
“The thirtieth of September,” answered the Rooster.
"And what a coincidence! Well, well!" the Chicken exclaimed in admiration. "And what year is it?"
“The same as in your Paris,” Turkey answered her. “You don’t like it?”
"So I'm asking, what year is it?" asked the Chicken, pretending not to hear the Turkey.
"What's yours?" asked Rustic Chicken.
"Well, what about us!" replied Chicken Peregrinus. "That's not the point! I wanted to know what year it is for you."
"Where did you park your Delarion?" Rooster Lockwens asked.
“You fool, if you can’t count and don’t know the days of the week, you better shut up and don’t be smart,” whispered Chicken Bustle in Chicken Peregrinus’s ear.
"Okay then," Peregrinus said conciliatorily. "What do you wear here? What's the fashion?"
"They usually wear feathers," answered Rooster Lokvens. "It's customary to leave the legs bare, and wear a comb on the head."
"Kirkorov, indeed," Peregrinus snorted. "In Paris, I saw plenty of chickens without a single feather on them!"
"Went through the wrong door?" asked Meretrix the Chicken. "I did the same thing once..."
"Excuse me, my dear, where did you say you came from?" asked Lokvens.
“From Paris,” Peregrinus said proudly.
“It’s a restaurant on the next street,” Lokvens said.
"I wonder why they let you out of there?" asked Rooster Stultus.
" The cook ordered it. He told the owner's daughter something like this," Lokvens reported. "He said, 'Mashka! Why did you bring her here? She hasn't had enough to eat yet! Take her back to the Coop. And don't touch the owner's chickens again without the owner's permission.'"
"Actually, I felt nostalgic," Peregrinus said. "I didn't like Paris. It's noisy, hot, the oil sizzles, knives hang everywhere on the walls, and there's loud, unpleasant music coming from the next room. Visiting is nice, but home is better. But still, it's surprising that it's Thursday here too!"
Chapter 21. Bad Habits
One chicken decided that all pleasures are always bad habits, meaning that everything harmful is pleasant, and everything not harmful is unpleasant. She decided to enjoy all kinds of pleasures and decided to try out all the bad habits in alphabetical order. She started with the letter "a" – Alcoholism.
"There's a sin that, according to the alphabet, comes before 'Alcoholism,'" Rooster Lokvens told her. "It's agnosticism. The second letter in that word is 'g,' while the second letter in 'alcoholism' is 'l.' The 'g' comes before the 'l.'"
“Well then, I’ll give myself over to agnosticism,” said the Chicken. “What does it consist of?”
“In denying that anything can be known,” Lokvens explained.
"I deny it!" cried the Chicken. "It is impossible to know that nothing can be known!"
"Well, yes, something like that," Lokvens agreed. "So, how do you like your agnosticism? Do you enjoy it?"
"I deny that one can know what pleasure is!" the Chicken objected.
"Do you enjoy denying it?" Lokvens asked.
“I deny that one can know that something can be pleasant and something unpleasant,” the Chicken continued to argue.
"Okay, what's the point of arguing with you?" Lokvens said, waving his wing at her. "Keep doing your nonsense."
"I deny that one can know what is stupid and what is not stupid!" replied the Chicken.
"I disagree with that," said Lokvens. "Examples of stupidity are everywhere, and right now, in particular, they are right before my eyes."
“I deny that you can know what is before your eyes, and in general, I deny that you can know whether you have eyes,” answered the Chicken.
"One shouldn't get too carried away even with anything intelligent," muttered Lokvens. "And getting too carried away with sins and vices—that's not right at all."
“I don’t think you can know whether you’re right or wrong,” replied the Chicken.
"It seems that this sin will be all you'll have to end up with," said Lokvens. "I hope so. Maybe it's for the best, otherwise you'll end up smoking and burn down the whole chicken coop!"
"Oh! By the way!" exclaimed the Hen. "The word 'smoking' clearly contains the word 'chicken'. Chickens! This sin seems to have been specially created for chickens!"
“I deny that you can know that,” said Lokvens.
The chicken froze in amazement and stood there until sunset.
Chapter 22. Raccoon Raccoon's Observations
Malerba Chickens 4
Song Four
(Based on Luigi Malerba)
One of the Chickens, quite by chance,
Wandering through the field in search of grain,
I was extremely surprised,
Realizing where she suddenly found herself.
Around, “horses and people were mixed together in a heap,”
Firing all around "from a thousand guns".
The clang of iron, and the cry, and the neighing of a thousand horses,
There is smoke and thousands of lights everywhere.
In dust, in smoke, and the sun is not visible,
Who could have imagined this?
Such miracles happened,
That she herself was almost crushed.
Barely alive, barely overcoming fear,
She managed to hide in the bushes,
Saving his life,
There seems to be no chance,
Barely escaped.
When everything had died down and passed,
She said to herself: “Lucky!”
I won't graze anymore
On the field of Waterloo!
It was only much later that it dawned on her,
That in that place, and on that very date,
She happened to be there at a very inopportune time,
When Napoleon was defeated there,
Surrounded by enemies on all sides.
And in this sense, the Chicken, in theory
In fact, at that moment she “entered history.”
Well, this had to happen!
This was something for her to be proud of!
Well, it's time to sit down and write my memoirs.
Describing battles is a nightmare.
And although she saw only hooves,
Yes, the legs of infantrymen and hussars,
The crested hen was openly proud,
Demanding to feed her to her fill
And pay out big fees!
___________
Well, many people are very good at lying,
And to “remember” what I didn’t see,
But you will become a “champion of enlightenment”,
If you are a witness of living history,
And then even if I didn’t see anything
Lie boldly as if you were Victor Hugo,
And as if you yourself were at that time
He was almost Napoleon's adjutant.
Chapter 23. The Detective
One Chicken read Daria Dontsova and decided that she, too, would investigate murders and other crimes.
But no crimes occurred.
Then she decided that first she needed to find evidence, and then the crime would be solved on its own.
The Hen began to wait for the Rooster passing by to drop some note, or for her to find some unusual button, or for her to accidentally hear some whisper in the night and expose the conspirators.
But nothing good came of this either.
No evidence!
And suddenly – such luck! She saw three pieces of evidence on the ground!
First of all, the bone! That's clear evidence pointing to a crime, most likely a heinous murder!
Secondly, the diamond. It lay in the dust, as if nothing had happened.
Thirdly, the most important thing is the button! Everyone knows that a button is the most important piece of evidence in any case!
There was definitely a crime involved here.
Then the dog Kanem appeared, picked up the bone and dragged it to his kennel to chew on.
"But it's evidence!" the Chicken tried to weakly protest.
"The cook threw that at me from the Kitchen window yesterday," Dog Kanem replied. "Whatever you call it, I don't recommend approaching me when I have a bone in my teeth."
"Where do you think the diamond came from, Loquence?" the Hen asked Rooster Loquence.
"You mean this shard of glass?" asked Rooster Lokvens. "The cook broke a glass nearby yesterday. She was picking up the pieces, but apparently didn't notice this one."
"Okay, what do you think of this button?" the Chicken exclaimed triumphantly.
"I'll say the cook's son wanted to play with Dog Kanem and didn't notice Kanem was busy with a bone," Lokvens replied. "The dog growled, the boy ran away, caught his pants on the porch railing, and the button came off. His mother already sewed another one on him. It's a shame they didn't find this one. Besides, no one needs it anymore."
“I’ll still collect some evidence, just in case,” thought the Chicken. “I’ll start collecting my own collection of evidence.”
The Chicken also decided to come up with a new address for the Chicken Coop. She wrote with a paw V dust : "221b Baker St, London NW1 6XE, Great Britanie."
But since she wrote it like a chicken with her paw, it only came out as “SS1Ü”.
"Now I'm a real Sherlock Holmes!" the Chicken thought proudly. "At least I've already solved one crime, or maybe two!"
Chapter 24: Raccoon Raccoon's Observations
Malerba Chickens 5
Song Five
(Based on Luigi Malerba)
It happened on Sunday morning.
The sky glowed like mother-of-pearl.
(Sorry, reader! Regarding the word "Morning"
There is no rhyme better than "Kama Sutra")
A dozen plump chickens
We went for sports procedures.
So, they go, they go
To meet the morning dawn,
Here and there a bug will be stolen,
Or maybe two or three grains.
Here and there you'll find a worm
Or a lingering bug.
There in the distance is the Chicken Coop
And the Chickens met the Rabbitry.
(Of course, the rhyme is primitive,
I myself find her disgusting,
But what can we do if the language
Are you used to such names?
So here is one of these Chickens
She was too inquisitive,
Seeing the Rabbit she
Full of all kinds of doubts,
I looked at the Rabbit squad,
And what they do quietly.
And all of them, despite all of that,
Not at all busy with work.
I’ll say - maybe the people will understand! –
They multiply the family.
- Tell me! On this spring day
Is it Sunday today?
Only the Rabbit nodded to her,
I took a little break from “business”,
And the tails began to shake again
From their Sunday bustle.
Then some Rooster
He said profoundly:
- I'll tell you, brothers, without deception,
All this is certainly strange:
And is it really true?
Do they have the same day of the week?
Well, we found out today:
The Lord works in mysterious ways!
___________
Isn't it funny? Aren't chickens stupid?
Call them by an uncensored word?
But don't rush to laugh,
After all, it may turn out that,
That there is a grain of truth in this parable,
Is it at least unnoticeable?
The world is big! It's here and there
Different peoples live here.
I agree, time flows,
Universally everywhere,
And yet, let it be known to you,
But the world was not always
Everyone has the same years!
The chronology was different!
It is not given by nature,
And from the consent of the peoples.
And without consent, it happens,
I can't understand this, even if you kill me,
They celebrate the same day
With honors in twelve days.
Chapter 25. Psychotherapist
One Superbus the Chicken decided the situation at the Poultry Yard was intolerable. Everyone treated her with disdain, no one wanted to cluck about life with her.
"They all need treatment!" she said. "I'll start with my former best friend, Meretrix."
She persuaded Chicken Meretrix to attend her psychotherapy session.
“Lie down on the soft grass, close your eyes and tell me what’s bothering you,” said Superbus.
Meretrix lay down on the grass, closed her eyes and dozed off.
"Wake up, Meretrix!" Superbus cackled. "Tell me what's bothering you."
"You worry me, Superbus," said Meretrix. "We used to be friends, but you started telling everyone nasty things about me. I don't know why. Maybe you're jealous of me."
"Tell me about your childhood!" Superbus interrupted her.
"I lived a pretty normal life as a child," said Meretrix. "When I grew up, I loved hanging out with the young Roosters. They say all sorts of nice things to me. I'd hang out with the Hens too, but they say taunts to my face and nasty things behind my back."
"Don't talk about the other Chickens, talk about yourself," Superbus corrected her. "What would you like to change about our Poultry Yard?"
"I'd like to neither see nor hear you," Meretrix replied. "And to know nothing about you."
"Did you have any problems with your father?" Superbus asked.
"No problem," Meretrix replied. "I don't know who my father is, and I don't care, I'm not interested."
" Excellent!" exclaimed Superbus. "We've found one very serious problem of yours! Now tell me, did you have problems with your mother?"
"No problem," Meretrix replied. "I know who my mother is, and I feel good, comfortable, and interested with her."
"Excellent!" exclaimed Superbus. "We've found your second, most serious problem! Now tell me, have you ever had problems with your brothers or sisters?"
"No problem," Meretrix replied. "They peck what they find, I peck what I find, we don't fight, we don't interfere with each other's lives, and when it's cold, we warm up together, huddled together on the perch."
"Excellent!" exclaimed Superbus. "We've found your third, most serious problem! So, you'll owe ten fat earthworms for your visit to the specialist. But I can't write you a prescription. I'll just tell you what your problems are."
“Go ahead,” said Meretrix.
"So, first of all, you've had major issues with your father since childhood," said Superbus. "You don't know who your father is, and you don't care. Secondly, you have a terrible problem with your mother. You know who your mother is, and you feel good, cozy, and interested with her. Thirdly, you have absolutely terrible problems with your brothers and sisters. They peck at whatever they find, you peck at whatever you find, you don't fight, you don't interfere with each other's lives, and when it's cold, you keep warm together, huddled together on a perch. So, everything you've told me about yourself is abnormal, and it all needs to be addressed! So, you owe me ten fat worms."
“Dig it yourself,” answered Meretrix, stood up, brushed herself off and went to look for the grains.
Chapter 26. Debriefing
"Why do all birds fly, but chickens, not so much?" asked young Rooster Stultus of old Rooster Lokvens.
"Chickens are the only ones that fly," Lokvens replied. "And everyone else just tries to take off, but they can't."
"Really?" Stultus marveled.
"Exactly, rest assured," Lokvens replied. "After all, what are they essentially doing? Flapping their wings, trying to keep themselves aloft for at least a little while. Every hen and even every chick can do that. The height and duration of such a flight, so to speak, means nothing. True flight is in the heights of the sky. So know that the world's first pilot was from our own backyard."
"How did he take off?" Stultus asked.
"And when he came back, was he defrosted?" Stultus asked.
"I'll tell you this: none of this matters anymore, since our neighbors have appropriated all the glory for this flight. But don't believe it. This is our hero."
Chapter 27. Conquest of the Moon
"Why are the Wild Geese cackling so loudly?" asked Rustic Chicken.
“You’re the only one who doesn’t know yet that the Geese have been to the Moon,” Lokvens replied.
"How do you know this?" asked Rusticus.
"There are three proofs of this," Lokvens said. "First, I myself watched last night as a flock of geese flew into the sky towards the moon. I watched them until they had flown so far that they first became small, like gnats, and then completely invisible."
“Well,” Rustic commented.
"Secondly, and this is the main proof," Lokvens continued. "It's that they told me about it themselves. They said it like this: 'Yesterday we flew to the Moon.' What else do you want?"
"That's it!" Rusticus exclaimed.
"And finally, thirdly, how do you like this?" asked Lokvens.
He pointed to some kind of cracker, which he had carefully hidden under the porch.
"What kind of cracker is this?" asked Rustic.
"Oh, you ignorant wretch!" Lokvens replied with a laugh. "Can't you see that this is a slice of Moon Pizza? The geese brought back many such pieces. They were collected straight from the surface of the Moon. Countless numbers of them were delivered to Earth. More than three, I think. Five or two—something like that."
"Wow! So many?" Rustic was surprised.
“What did you expect, kid?” Lockwens said instructively. “They’ve visited the Moon more than once, you know. Five times, I think. Or even more. Yes, more, exactly four times! Or three. In other words, very often. They’ve become quite frequent!”
"Why don't we see any changes on the Moon?" asked Rustic. "After all, if they've been chipping off so many pieces of this Moon Pizza, then the Moon should be getting smaller, right?"
"How stupid you are!" Lockwens said in surprise. "Yes, I admit, at first they wanted to rip off the most beautiful piece of the Moon, from the edge, and they even did so. Didn't you see that the Moon had become smaller, a piece had been bitten off at the side? But then they decided that such beauty shouldn't be disturbed and returned to return the pieces they had nipped off. When they returned, they discovered that the pizza had grown back where it had been broken off. So they decided not to return those pieces and brought them back to Earth."
" Ah, so that's why the Moon gets bitten on one side or the other every now and then!" Rustic guessed. "Someone takes a bite out of it every now and then, and then it grows back! Now it all makes sense to me."
"Well, thank God, you finally understand everything!" Lokvens replied. "How difficult it can be sometimes to explain scientific truths to the younger generation. Remember, I've taught you new knowledge. This science is called Gastronomy."
"What a curious idea!" thought Lokvens. "But perhaps the Chicken is right! Indeed, it explains why the Moon turns into the Moon, and then the Moon back into the Moon! I must tell everyone I've discovered this law, or else this Chicken will beat me to it! We mustn't allow the authority of true scientists to be undermined. All truly important discoveries should be made by authoritative and respected Roosters, not some Chickens!"
Chapter 28: Raccoon Raccoon's Observations
Malerba Chickens 6
Song Six
(Based on Luigi Malerba)
One of the Hens, which was called Jeanne,
She shone with indescribable naivety.
I wanted to become a saint, like Joan of Arc!
I'd like to put this one in a zoo,
After all, there are no mental hospitals for Kurei,
There are no crazy people among them, just blockheads.
What can you expect from them? After all, everyone depends on these birds,
They just need to lay eggs,
What do they have on their minds?
The owners don't think about it.
So she decided to become a saint,
Paying for this at any cost.
So her plan seemed cunning to her:
She decided to climb onto the fire.
And for that reason I decided to rebel,
And give everyone in the area a dressing down.
First she was driven out of sight,
Then the Chicken got hit with a broom,
Then they threw a poker at her
And they threatened: “You’ll end up in the stew!”
But Zhanna is not afraid of stones,
She's going crazy, getting worse every day!
This story ended sadly:
She didn't become a saint. She became a Grilled Chicken.
___________
If there are prospects following the example of Zhanna
You, poet, are not very welcome,
Then shorten your pen!
It is sometimes overly spicy.
Chapter 29. Pedagogy
One Hen decided that her Chick would become an excellent student.
"Read the problem out loud!" she ordered Chicken.
"A rooster had three peas, and he found two more peas. How many worms did the rooster have in all?" read the Chicken.
"Decide!" demanded the Chicken.
“Three peas and two peas is five,” answered the Chicken.
"And what's the answer?" asked the Chicken.
“Answer: ‘Five,’” replied the Chicken.
"Five what?" demanded the Chicken.
“Five in total,” answered the Chicken.
“Read the question in the problem again,” demanded the Chicken.
“Question: ‘How many worms did the Rooster have in total?’” the Chicken read.
"And what will you answer?" asked the Chicken.
“Answer: ‘There are now five worms in total,’” answered the Chicken.
"Where did the five worms come from?" asked the Chicken.
“There were two worms and I found three more,” answered the Chicken.
"What makes you think that?" asked the Chicken.
“From the terms of the problem,” answered Chicken.
"Read the problem statement again," demanded the Chicken. "Read it carefully! Do you hear it? Carefully! Every word in the problem statement! Out loud!"
"A rooster had three peas, and he found two more peas. How many worms did the rooster have in all?" the little chicken read, sniffling and swallowing tears.
"Decide!" demanded the Chicken.
“Three and two is five,” answered the Chicken.
"Three and two what?!" the Chicken asked again.
“Peas,” answered the Chicken.
" Three peas and two peas, what's the result?" asked the Chicken.
“Five,” answered the Chicken.
"Five what?!" asked the Chicken, losing her patience.
“Pea,” answered the Chicken.
"So what's the answer to the problem?" asked the Chicken.
“Answer: ‘Five,’” replied the Chicken.
"Five what?" demanded the Chicken.
“Five in total,” answered the Chicken.
“Read the question in the problem again,” demanded the Chicken.
“Question: ‘How many worms did the Rooster have in total?’” the Chicken read.
"And what will you answer?" asked the Chicken.
“Answer: ‘There are now five worms in total,’” answered the Chicken.
"Where did the five worms come from?" asked the Chicken.
“There were two worms and I found three more,” answered the Chicken.
"What were you just folding?" asked the Chicken.
“What is in the terms of the problem,” answered Chicken.
"What are the terms of the problem?" asked the Chicken.
“Folding,” answered the Chicken.
"Folding what!?!" the Chicken screamed.
"Pea stacking!" said the Chicken, sobbing loudly.
"You were adding up the peas to get five peas in total, right?" asked the Chicken.
"So!" the Chicken replied through his sobs.
"What? " the Chicken asked again.
“That makes five,” answered the Chicken.
"Five what?!?" the Chicken screamed.
"Pea!" roared the Chicken, so loudly that even the neighboring chicken coop could hear it.
"So what's the answer?" asked the Chicken.
“Five,” answered the Chicken.
"What does the problem ask?" the Chicken asked again.
"How many worms did the Rooster have in total?" the Chicken read, crowing like a beluga.
"So what's the answer?!" the Chicken shouted menacingly.
“Answer: ‘There are now five worms in total,’” answered the Chicken.
"Where did the five worms come from?" the Chicken asked indignantly.
“There were two worms and I found three more,” the Chicken answered sobbingly.
"If you add three peas to two peas, how many worms are there?" said the Chicken, trying to do so calmly and without getting nervous.
“Five,” answered the Chicken.
"Let's take a different approach," said the Chicken. "Let's check. To check your solution, subtract three peas from five worms. What's the result?"
“Two peas,” answered the Chicken.
" I'm going to give you two peas right now!" the Hen exclaimed and slapped the Chick twice. "Understand?!"
“Yes,” answered the Chicken.
"What did you understand?" asked the Chicken.
“I don’t know,” answered the Chicken.
"You should have realized you're a dumbass!" the Chicken exclaimed.
“I’m a dumbass,” replied the Chicken.
"What's the answer to the problem?" asked the Chicken.
"Answer: 'I'm a dumbass,'" replied the Chicken.
Chapter 30. A View from the Outside
One day Raccoon the Raccoon came to the Chickens and said:
— The longer I observe you, the more I get the impression...
The chickens got angry, attacked the Raccoon and drove him away.
I'm afraid we'll never know exactly what impression Raccoon Raccoon had of the Chickens. And, really, it doesn't matter! If you decide to share your impression of them with someone, expect the exact same reaction. Actually, I already have a certain impression of these Chickens, too. But I'm in no rush to share it with them. No way. Never. Not at all. Even though they're just Chickens, not Cassowaries, Ostriches, Swans, or Seagulls. I've listed the most aggressive birds here, which are best not approached on their territory and which it's best not to irritate.
Trying to get to the bottom of a committee led by Cassowaries, Ostriches, Swans, or Seagulls can be dangerous. And if the committee is comprised entirely of Chickens, it's simply pointless.
Chapter 31. Geometry
One Chicken Connoiseuur decided to explain to everyone else what geometry is.
"Parallel lines do not intersect!" she declared.
"What do you mean, 'intersect'?" asked Rustic Chicken.
“They intersect, meaning they meet, merge, and then go their separate ways,” answered Connoisseur Chicken.
“It’s too early for you to talk about this,” said Rooster Rake.
"What do you mean by 'straight'?" Rusticus asked.
“Well, for example, rails,” answered Chicken Connoisseur.
"What do you mean by 'parallel'?" Rusticus asked.
“It’s about the same as rails,” answered the Chicken.
" Now I understand everything," Rustic replied. "Rails that are roughly like rails don't meet, merge, and then diverge, but it's too early for me to talk about that yet."
"So does that make things clearer to you?" asked Meretrix the Chicken.
“No, of course not, but any explanation is an explanation, and I think there won’t be another one, so we’ll have to make do with this,” Rusticus replied.
"Do you agree that the formulation 'Parallel lines do not intersect' is shorter and more elegant?" asked Meretrix the Chicken.
“Of course, but I heard somewhere that he who thinks clearly, expresses clearly,” answered Rusticus.
"Just accept it as a given," countered Connoiseyuvre the Hen. "I gave you the rule, and it must become the cultural heritage of the Chicken People."
“The junction,” said Lokvens.
"What 'Razezd'?" asked Chicken Connoisseur, irritated.
"There's a place not far from the station called the 'Razezd,' or sometimes called the 'Razvilka,' or 'Strelka,'" Lokvens replied. "I've been there. The tracks cross there."
"Therefore, this place is not a cultural heritage of the Chicken People," replied Connoiseyuvre the Chicken. "We'll write it down that way."
She began to write on the ground like a chicken with its paw.
It turned out to be something like three letters "U". Like this: "U U U".
"What is written here?" asked Rustic.
"The fundamental axioms of geometry," replied Connoisseur Chicken. "It says that non-intersecting rails don't intersect, intersecting rails intersect, and let the sleepers do what they please. This is our imperishable cultural heritage. It's called the first axiom of geometry."
"Is there a second axiom?" asked Rusticus.
"It goes like this: 'Only one rail passes through one point,'" Lokvens replied. "But that doesn't apply to the cultural heritage of the Chicken People. Because it, too, is violated at the place called 'Razyezd.' Where the sleepers do whatever they want, as you remember."
"How many useful things I've learned today!" Rustic exclaimed. "Especially about railroad ties. They do whatever they want! I want to be a railroad tie."
Chapter 32. Raccoon Raccoon's Recordings. The Rebel Chickens' Anthem
Chizhik-Pyzhik
Chizhik-pyzhik, where have you been?
I drank vodka on Fontanka.
I drank one glass, I drank two -
My head started spinning.
And as soon as I sobered up,
He instantly flew to his girlfriend,
He hugged his girlfriend
And he whispered in her ear:
"I will love you forever,
I'll try not to forget.
And when I begin to forget,
You will remind me again.
I will love you, my friend,
Let's fly south together.
There is no such thing as winter,
We will be happy there,
We will live and prosper,
Twitter loudly
Choosing seeds.
From camel <…>».
_____
Note:
<…> – the author’s text has been lost.
Chapter 33. Raccoon Raccoon's Recordings. White Chicken Bone Band Anthem
How the Rooster now climbs the mountain
Take revenge on the foolish raccoons
He will give them all a slap in the face for everything,
And then he will be boycotted!
So louder, music, play victory!
The raccoon is defeated and runs away!
So the arrogant neighbor got what he deserved.
Chicken-eater
He has to get out
Let the enemy tremble!
Tell me, defeated ugly Raccoon,
Why did you steal our eggs?
Wouldn't it be better to attack the boar's stronghold,
Want to try some boar lard?
So louder, music, play victory!
Let the enemy curb his appetite!
For he is broken, and he is called to account!
He will feel the defeat!
“So this is where my destruction was hidden!”
Meanwhile, the raccoon exclaims:
"I was overcome by a family of chickens,
And death awaits me!
So louder, music, play victory!
There is no force more terrible than the Rooster!
It's time for the chicken-eating neighbor
Run away, saving your guts!
Chapter 34. Time Machine
One Chicken decided to invent a time machine. For two weeks, she collected bits and pieces of the owner's boy's broken toys from around the Poultry Yard and fashioned an intricate mechanism out of them. She also collected twigs and straws and wove them into something resembling a crow's nest—a hollow lump with a narrow entrance.
"Tomorrow you will all see something extraordinary!" she declared.
The next day, all the Chickens gathered to see the miracle that had been widely advertised.
"So, dear Kury!" she announced. "I'm asking for one volunteer! He'll undertake an incredible journey! The first in the world!"
“Well, I’m ready,” said Rooster Lockwens.
"Unfortunately, my car is still too small," the Chicken clarified. "I need a volunteer from among the Chickens."
"Why me again?" Rustic Chicken asked in surprise.
"Rustic! Rustic!" shouted all the other Chickens.
"Well, since you volunteered," the Chicken replied. "Get into this machine. I've named it the DeLorean."
"Does it hurt?" asked Rustic.
“It’s like a mosquito bite,” Rustika the Chicken reassured.
“I don’t like mosquito bites,” Rustic objected.
"You can't back down, or everyone will call you Chicken," the Chicken replied. "And they'll call you Chicken for the rest of your life."
Rustic the Chicken climbed into the crow's nest called DeLorean.
The Chicken began fiddling with her mechanism. About five minutes passed. Finally, the Chicken declared the experiment successful.
"Come out, Rustic!" she said solemnly.
Rustic came out.
"What do you feel?" asked the Chicken.
“ Nothing,” answered Rustic.
"What a horror!" exclaimed Galina the Chicken. "Poor Rustic can't feel a thing! He's lost consciousness!"
“I wanted to say that I don’t feel anything new or anything special,” Rustic clarified.
"Attention!" the Chicken addressed everyone. "The experiment was a success! Rustic the Chicken has traveled five minutes forward in time before your very eyes! When he entered, he was five minutes younger, but now he's five minutes older. As a result of my mechanism, which I call Delarion, Rustic has traveled exactly five minutes into the future. The experiment was a success. Now I can transport anyone into the future in my time machine. Later, I'll figure out how to transport people into the past, too."
"Outrageous!" said Chicken Preses. "This could interfere with historical processes too fatally. Ultimately, it could create a paradox, as a result of which not only our Chicken Coop and even the entire Poultry Yard, but the entire world, including the neighboring houses and even the stream at the edge of the Village—everything around it would cease to exist! I propose we destroy the insidious Time Machine."
The chickens pounced on the structure and tore it apart, branch by branch and piece by piece.
"Oh, are Chickens really capable of understanding scientific progress?" the Hen said with a sigh and headed toward a hole in the fence through which, she discovered, she could reach the pea beds.
Chapter 35. Chicken Law
One day Ferret the Ferret caught Chicken Preses.
"I'll let you go," he said. "But I'm tired of people saying I'm stealing chickens. Make it so that what I do counts as a tax. And then I won't touch you or your chickens."
"How can I do this?" asked Preses.
"I'm not a consultant here, I'm the authority," Preses replied. "Find another advisor, or I'll look for another partner."
The next day, Preses gathered the Chicken Council.
"It's foolish to expect Ferret to stop collecting his tribute from the Poultry Yard," she said. "But there's an opinion that his claims should be limited within the bounds of law."
"How can robbery be limited within the law?" One Rooster asked in surprise.
“Everything we vote for will become law, after which we will demand that Ferret adhere, as far as possible, to the regulations and provisions that we adopt,” Preses explained.
"And what if he doesn't adhere to our laws and regulations?" asked the Other Rooster.
" We are still counting on his goodwill," Preses replied. "And yet, colleagues, I would ask you to adhere to the rules. All questions later. First, let's decide what issue we'll put to the vote and how it'll be worded. So, we've decided to set a specific quota for the legal tax collected by Ferret, since, as we saw from the report, establishing the legality of an inevitable phenomenon promotes the universal rule of law, doesn't it?"
"Why?" asked One Rooster.
"Questions later, as I already said," Preses continued. "So, we're putting the proposals to a vote in the order they were received. The first one was to legalize the very fact of collecting the tax. Who's against it?"
Chicken Preses looked sternly at those present.
“Well, actually, I’d like to know more precisely…” said the Other Rooster.
"Everything will happen in due course. We are currently discussing the amendment's adoption in its first reading," Preses clarified. "A conciliation committee will be created to resolve all disagreements, polish the final version, and eliminate all legal ambiguities."
“But if we vote now, then…” said One Rooster.
"You're disrupting the event. Please be more organized," Preses replied, waving away all the other raised wings present with a wave of her wing. "I told you, questions later; now we're voting. I ask that only those who present a reasoned opposition to the proposal raised in the right wing raise their wing. Before we begin counting the votes, I remind you that the vote must be reasoned. Since not a single argument against the proposed amendment was voiced, any vote against it would be a clear breach of democratic discipline, which would naturally lead to a discussion about whether such an undisciplined Council member should be removed from the Council list."
"Take them out where?" asked One Rooster.
"Leave it out of the equation," Preses replied, and it sounded utterly terrifying to everyone present. "So, who's against the decision put to a vote?"
Preses didn't even look at the others present. She drew a paw in the sand, then coughed loudly and raised her head triumphantly.
"No objections, it's passed unanimously. I remind everyone who raised their wings that I've already said three times that all questions will come later," she said. "I ask everyone who raised theirs to lower their wings."
"Remind me what we voted for?" One Rooster whispered to Another Rooster.
"We, colleague, didn't vote for anything," the Other Rooster whispered. "The fact is, we didn't vote against. That somehow clears us of any wrongdoing, no matter how events unfold."
"Will they develop?" whispered One Rooster.
“I can’t guarantee it, but rest assured,” the Other Rooster whispered back.
“ I think we’re all on the menu today,” Lokvens said thoughtfully.
"Where exactly?" asked Rustic.
"I don't know exactly," Lokvens replied. "I once read some specialized divine literature on the subject and remembered a few specific terms." Amic, ahiako, ayam-pop, vori-vori, gefitle gelzele, gribenes, jambalaya, juje-kebab, julienne, cabidela, calbi, canja de galinxia, cobb, cokki-liki, de-volai, cochinha, barberton, marsala, moambe, maryland, parmigiana, tikka masala, huli-huli, yannyom, flying Jacob, muamba, musakhan, nuggets, ostpel, pastilla, piccata, pulo a la brasa, satsivi, tavuk-gyoksu, tetrazzini, tokan, uykhazi, fricassee, chakhokhbili, chikhirtma, shkmeruli, yakitori, yassa.
"Which of these is best for us?" asked Rusticus.
"I prefer Pullum Ebrius," Lokvens replied. "Or, if you prefer, Pollo Ubriaco. Pulet Ivre. Betrunkenes Khukhn. Mefizmevo Kotopoulo. Sarhosh Tuvuk."
"How much useful information I've learned today for young Rooster!" Rustic exclaimed joyfully. "I wish I could find out what it all means!"
"You'll find out," Lokvens grumbled. "Learn, Chicken. Education is a great thing! When the day and the hour come, you'll know what's what."
The next day, Ferret took away the eldest Chicken of the Hen Preses, and he did it completely legally, since it was not theft, but the collection of a legal tax.
Chapter 36. Pizza-induced PTSD.
One Chicken dreamed of trying pizza.
She heard that it was very tasty.
But she never had such happiness.
One day, the owner's son, strolling through the poultry yard, was holding a piece of something extremely fragrant, warm, and obviously quite tasty. He ate almost every crumb, but a piece of hard crust remained in his hand.
This same One Chicken walked in circles around the neighbor boy and looked at him first with her left eye, then with her right.
"I'd love to give you a good thrashing!" thought the Boy. "No way, Mom can see through the window. Okay, lucky you!"
He threw a tasteless piece of pizza crust at the chicken, trying to hit its head. The chicken deftly dodged and immediately pecked at the piece the Boy had thrown.
The piece was tastier than unground grain. The chicken pecked it all up right away.
"I tried the pizza!" she exclaimed.
"Is it tasty?" asked Rooster Lockvens.
"Very much!" the Chicken replied.
“Of course, she’s made of dough,” Lokvens replied sarcastically.
" What is dough?" asked the Chicken.
“Some kind of flour-based consistency, that is, ground wheat grains,” Lokvens replied.
“I’ve tried wheat grains a couple of times, they have a slightly different taste,” the Chicken objected doubtfully.
“Of course, they add something else to the dough,” Lokvens grumbled and went into the Chicken Coop.
"What exactly do they add to the dough?" asked the Chicken.
But no one answered her, because there was not a single Chicken around.
Only in a puddle near the fence lay the pig Porkus.
"You don't know what exactly they add to the dough?" asked the Chicken.
“Chicken eggs,” Porkus answered and rolled over onto her other side.
The chicken froze in horror.
"Don't worry about it," Porkus grunted, then dipped her snout into a puddle and exhaled loudly, causing several huge mud bubbles to pop out of the mud. "I, for one, happily eat the leftovers of any dish, no matter what it is or what it contains. Our task is to quickly devour as much meat and lard as possible. Then fate will summon us to the Kitchen, behind whose doors eternal bliss awaits all the righteous. The more you eat, the sooner you'll get there. In a sense, we are all caterpillars, just waiting to transform into butterflies, and hastening that transformation with our enormous appetites."
"I guess I won't eat pizza anymore," said the Chicken.
"Right," Porkus replied. "Next time you get a slice of pizza, give it to me. I was raised very tolerantly when it comes to that."
Chapter 37. Raccoon Raccoon's Observations
Malerba Chickens 7
Song Seven
(Based on Luigi Malerba)
Let them call me intolerant,
Because I am drawn to spicy topics,
But the truth is that even among the Chickens,
Especially in light of the views of several cultures,
There are things that are awkward to say.
So I don't have the knack yet.
Speak in such a way that everyone will be pleased.
If you don’t say it, it won’t be clear.
Well, let's get down to business. So one of the Kurs
Kosoy was so over the top,
What did she see, that everything was straight –
As if it were crooked or slanted.
Crooked fence, crooked trees,
And among the Kurs there is no straight face,
And my Chicken thought here,
That the whole chicken family is crooked.
It happened that, out of nowhere,
One day they brought a Camel into the yard.
The crested birds all started making fun of him,
What, they say, is crooked, how can one come to terms with this?
His back is especially crooked!
Unsurpassed in ugliness!
What about the Chicken? She's walking sideways.
And looks at him with one eye.
“Well,” he thinks, “you’re in trouble!”
What a slender trotter stands here!
Your sentence is not fair at all!
He is slim, straight and simply handsome!
It is true that chickens are stupid,
It's all because of you, because your view is wrong:
You call the crooked straight,
You call the straight crooked.
Schools and gymnasiums will not correct you,
Because you, my friends, are cross-eyed!
___________
There are such empty talkers,
To whom everyone around is terribly bad.
I will tell them: “Contrary to the feeling
"Treat your eyes or buy glasses!"
Chapter 38. The Frenchwoman
A certain Hen heard somewhere that the ancient Romans called the French "Gauls," which means "Chickens." Some even called them even more specifically: "Gallic Roosters."
"Then we are French!" she said. "We should take French names! From now on, I will be called Madame de Chantecler."
"So what?" asked one Rooster named Nerd.
"We must remember our roots!" exclaimed the new Chanticleer. " For example, I heard the other day that the Geese were bragging about saving Rome. They supposedly saw the Gallic Roosters marching on Rome and raised a ruckus, which prevented the Gallic Roosters from taking Rome. From now on, I consider the Geese my enemies."
"That's very correct!" croaked a nearby frog named Rana. "Be sure to also include the Herons, Cranes, Pelicans, Ducks, and Swamp Snakes among our enemies! They are all our implacable common enemies! And we French must stick together!"
"And why did you suddenly become French?" asked Hen Chanticleer.
"Oh, of course!" exclaimed the Frog. "Haven't you ever heard that the French are sometimes even called 'Frogs'? I've decided myself that from now on I'll be called Grenouille the Frog!"
"I've actually heard something like that about the French," Chanticleer the Hen said thoughtfully. "I remember! Indeed, all the French deserve that nickname!"
"See?" the new Grenouille rejoiced. "I'm right!"
"Yes, you're right!" Chanticleer agreed. "They're called Froggies because they love you Froggies so much!"
"And I admit, there's a lot to love about us!" Grenouille the Frog declared proudly, closing her eyes in self-satisfaction.
"They seem to like eating Frogs," thought Chanticleer the Hen. "I must try it, for I am a true Frenchwoman!"
She pecked Frog hard several times, then tossed her up, opened her beak, and caught her. A few more desperate movements and Frog was swallowed!
"Indeed, delicious and nutritious!" Chanticleer exclaimed. "Well, now I'm a true Frenchwoman! Je vou r;common notre julien signature. Voulevu and goutwee?"
Chapter 39. The Poetess
One Chicken decided to become a poet. She opened reference books and found a multitude of poetic terms. Iambic, amphibrach, trochee, alliteration, anapest, assonance, association, free verse, dactyl and hyperdactyl, inversion, madrigal, metaphor, metonymy, pamphlet, perrichium, synegdoche, spondee, trope, litotes, hyperbole, meiosis, alogism, paradox.
"Are you writing poetry yet?" Rustic Chicken asked her.
“Not yet, but soon,” answered the Chicken.
"Have you studied the theory of versification?" asked Rooster Lokvens.
"Not yet, but soon," replied the Chicken. "I've already memorized the basic production terms. That was very difficult. Hyperdactyl. Perrichium. Very difficult!"
"And what does that mean?" asked Lokvens.
“I’ll deal with that a little later,” answered the Chicken.
Then it occurred to her that “alliteration” rhymes with “association ,” and “trochee” with “spondee.”
"Listen, everyone!" she announced. "I've written a poem!"
And she rolled her eyes to the sky and began to recite:
Iambus, Amvibrach and Trochee,
Free verse, Dactyl and Spondeus,
Anapest and Alliteration,
Perrichy and the Association!
Rusticus applauded, but, noticing that the others were not reacting to the poems, he stopped.
“Now translate,” demanded Lokvens.
"It can't be translated, it's already been translated, it's in a language we all know!" the Chicken replied.
“I don’t know,” Lokvens objected.
"It was in Bryusov's style," the Chicken explained. "You don't understand! The world is made up of feelings, and the quintessence of feelings is poetry! And I've learned the quintessence of poetry—its secret language and hidden symbols! If you don't understand, it's no surprise! True poetry isn't for the plebs, it's for the elite!"
She became arrogant and began strutting around the yard with her head held high. So when the Mistress needed a Chosen Chicken for a Chosen Visitor, she didn't hesitate long before making yet another unpopular decision.
Chapter 40. Professor
One Chicken learned to count to five and demanded to be called Professor.
“To be called Professor, you must first obtain an academic degree,” objected Rooster Lockvens.
"Give me that very degree!" demanded the Chicken.
“We need to offer something new,” Lokvens explained.
"I propose we create a Chicken Calculus," said the Chicken. "First four, then three, then two, and finally one. In this case, 'one' will be the largest number of all these numbers!"
"What next?" asked Lokvens.
“Anything more than one is many,” the Chicken concluded.
"Then we can all count!" Meretrix exclaimed. "First one, then many! It's that simple!"
“But you missed four, three, and two according to the new calculation,” Lokvens noted.
"Nobody ever asks how many you can count from, everyone only asks how many, " Meretrix retorted. "I can count to 'many,' and there's no higher number in the new calculus!"
"Bravo, my dear," said Professor Chicken coldly. "That's exactly what I was going to say. But a student shouldn't get ahead of the teacher, remember that."
“I’m not running, I’m standing still,” Meretrix replied.
“Very reasonable for a doctoral student,” muttered Professor Chicken.
"Well, you've suggested something new, and it's useful, because now all the Kurs can count to 'many,' and you have students," Lokvens concluded. "I suppose you're no different from most professors, so you'll be awarded the title of Professor."
"And the diploma?" asked Professor Chicken.
“We’ll print it now,” Lokvens replied.
He dipped his paw in the mud several times and left prints on the whitewashed wall. Then, with his claw, he crookedly traced the entire creation.
“I even spent money on a frame and attached your diploma to the wall,” Lokvens said solemnly.
"What's written here?" asked Professor Chicken. "After all, I'm a professor of mathematics, not literature! I don't need to know how to read!"
"Absolutely right, not necessary," Lokvens agreed. "And not even desirable. All three of your names are written here, as well as your academic title, degree, diploma number, and date of issue."
"So many of them!" the Chicken Professor marveled.
“Now we’ll ask your doctoral student to count what he’s written,” Lokvens suggested.
The chicken Meretrix came up and started poking at the tracks with her paw and counting.
"One, many, many, many, many, many, many!" she said. "That's many!"
“Well, the student, as is most often the case, is quite worthy of his teacher,” he said.
"I wonder if that's praise or what?" asked Rustic Chicken.
“Or what,” Lokvens answered and went off in search of worms.
Chapter 41. News Feed
One Chicken Fugax was walking along the shore of a pond and saw swans floating on the surface of the water, as if gliding.
"How beautifully they swim!" she said and continued her search for something to peck at.
That evening, a Chicken named Gossip whispered something to a Chicken named Screamer . But since Chickens can't whisper, and aren't known for their hearing, Screamer asked again.
"Sorry, what did you say?" Screamer asked so loudly that all the Chickens and Roosters turned their heads towards them.
But Gossip knew Kur's attention was short-lived. She waited five seconds, until everyone had returned their attention to searching the ground for crumbs, and then answered her friend.
"Fugax the Hen has chosen the wrong side ," she said. "She's defected to the waterfowl, which, if you think about it, aren't really birds at all, but fish or frogs, because they love water too much! Which is not good for a proper bird!"
"I don't know if this is true or not, but this information is important!" Screamer exclaimed .
"You don't believe me?" Gossip asked in surprise .
"Nobody believes you, but your information is too important to just brush it aside ," Screamer said .
"Then I'll tell you everything ," Gossip said enthusiastically. "Fugax the Chicken made the wrong friendship."
"With whom?" Screamer asked .
"With the birds on the other side, the wrong side," Screamer replied . "After all, everyone understands that friendship is never just with someone! It's always against someone as well. Those who are friends with those who aren't friends with us, are friends against us!"
"That's understandable," replied Screamer , who didn't understand a thing. "But what does this friendship consist of?"
Here Gossip gave free rein to her imagination.
“In the mornings she clucks with the birds that have chosen water as their habitat,” Gossip said ominously .
"How awful!" Screamer exclaimed , because she guessed that this was exactly the reaction Gossip was expecting from her .
"But that's not all!" continued the inspired Gossip . "She doesn't just cackle with them."
"What else?" Screamer asked in horror .
"She even quarrels with them !" Gossip announced solemnly , after which she demonstratively fell silent, showing with her whole appearance that she could have told much more, but modesty commanded her to remain silent.
"This information is important!" Chicken Preses declared pompously. "Expect my communiqu; on this matter this evening."
None of the chickens, including Preses herself, knew what a communiqu; was, but everyone was terribly scared, including Preses herself.
In the evening she solemnly cleared her throat and said.
"Since it has already been definitively proven that Fugax has defected to the Crocodiles' camp, she must be isolated from all information about the Kur," she stated.
"How is this proven?" asked Lokvens.
"Who are the Crocodiles?" asked Rustic.
"What does 'informationally isolate' mean?" Meretrix asked.
"Oh, don't worry, you're in no danger of that," Lokvens replied to Meretrix the Chicken. "You'll always know what's going on in the Coop, and the entire Coop will always know what's happening to you, to whom specifically, and in what way."
"Should we react so harshly to such unverified information?" asked One Rooster.
“I have an answer to that question too, but I’ll tell you: it’s the wrong question!” Preses replied. “Moreover, it’s also a very dangerous question! Such questions should not be asked! Such a question testifies to the growth of undemocratic interests and the emergence of undemocratic tendencies in an environment that should not be undemocratic. This is understandable, because it is true. And I’ll tell you: democracy is the right thing to do. Whatever we do and call it democracy, it is always right. But waterfowl is, in any case, dangerous and undemocratic. Whatever waterfowl do, they act undemocratically. Therefore, your question, which implies doubt about the democratic and tolerant foundations of our relations, is a dangerous question. And I tell you: it is dangerous to ask dangerous questions, because it is dangerous for us all.”
"Has anyone seen any crocodiles in our pond?" asked Lokvens.
"Since all questions have been fully answered, I hereby declare the meeting closed!" Preses announced.
"Did we have a meeting?" Galina asked.
"What is a 'meeting'?" asked Rusticus.
Chapter 42. Higher Education
Rooster Lokvens approached Chicken Rustic.
"Young people, when will we get an education?" he asked.
“You get it when it’s more convenient for you, but I still haven’t figured out what it is and what it’s for,” answered Rustic.
"When I said, 'We will receive,' I meant, 'You will receive,'" Rustik explained. "Teachers, doctors, and OGPU investigators sometimes address students, patients, and defendants as 'We,' meaning only them, because they can't bring themselves to say 'You,' and , as they were told in their advanced training courses, saying 'You' has been out of fashion since 1934. Understood?"
“No, you and I didn’t understand anything,” Rustic said honestly.
"When getting an education, it's not at all necessary to understand what you're being told; it's enough to agree and, if necessary, be able to recall and retell something from what you heard, or copy it, or at least babble something similar," Lokvens explained.
“We understand,” Rustic lied.
"Well then, let's start with something more abstruse ," said Lokvens. "Which do you prefer, the theory of relativity or Lobachevsky's geometry?"
"I don't like it when someone carries something," Rusticus admitted. "It's better when someone brings something. Don't you have a theory of relativity instead of the theory of relativity ?"
"So, Lobachevsky's geometry," Lokvens agreed. "Look at this half-eggshell, young man! It's concave on the inside, convex on the outside."
"Why is it convex?" Rusticus asked, sniffing.
“Convex is not a verb, but a short form of an adjective,” Lokvens explained.
"What's a 'verb' and what's a 'short form adjective'?" Rusticus asked.
“Your memory is better than your intelligence,” Lokvens noted.
"We have better memories than we do intelligence," Rustic clarified. "You said that you should address a suspect as 'we' instead of 'you.'"
"Yes, I suspect we'll have problems with geometry," Lokvens agreed. "A verb answers the question, 'What does it do?' and an adjective, in short, answers the question, 'What is it like?'"
"Have you learned to talk to eggshells?" asked Rustic. "You ask them questions and they answer you?"
"Okay, we've forgotten about geometry and grammar," Lokvens concluded. "Well, then, elementary physics. Bodies can be solid, liquid, and gaseous."
"Bodies?" asked Rustic. "Liquid? Terminators? And what about gaseous ones?"
“Okay, the bodies are not gaseous, only solid bodies,” Lokvens clarified.
“And soft,” added Rustic.
“And soft,” Lokvens agreed.
“And amorphous,” added Rustic.
"Where did you get such deep knowledge?" Lokvens asked in surprise.
“I heard Galina the Hen tell her Rooster that he is amorphous ,” said Rustic.
"Okay, I'm telling you, don't ask, just remember," Lokvens waved his hand dismissively. "Solids are hard, softs are soft, amorphouss are amorphous."
“An abyss of information,” Rustic rejoiced.
"Got it? Great, then here's what's on top of the program," Lokvens continued. "Solids lengthen when heated and shorten when cooled."
"And the soft ones?" asked Rustic.
"Soft ones don't heat, they warm up, don't interrupt," Lokvens continued. "Don't ask about liquids. I don't know myself. As for gases, I'll say this: they take up all the space allotted to them. That's all for today. Testing tomorrow."
"How interesting!" thought Rustic. "Tomorrow's the test. So, they'll bring pieces of cheese on toothpicks. Solids expand when heated and shorten when cooled. So, the days are solid. And the nights are gaseous. They occupy all the space given to them."
"I think Rusticus is ready to graduate now," thought Lokvens. "He already has publications. There's one of them here, on the sand. And there, and there too."
Chapter 43. Love is Blind
A Chicken fell in love with a Puppy. But the Puppy didn't notice her; he only chased butterflies and barked at the Cats passing by the fence.
"Oh, this puppy only pays attention to cats ," said the Chicken. "I can only get his attention if I act like a cat."
She began to walk, hunched over and trying to support herself with her wings. She also tried, as best she could, to meow.
The puppy looked at the Chicken in surprise and barked a couple of times, after which he lost interest in her.
"Perhaps it would be better to pretend to be a puppy?" asked the Chicken. "I could become his playmate for a start!"
The chicken tried to jump, relying on its wings and barking like a dog.
The puppy showed much more interest. He played with Chicken for a while, but quickly got bored.
"I guess I'm not doing it like that enough," the Chicken decided. "I need to practice more."
And she began to run around the yard, pretending to be a puppy.
" A quadrobear ," grumbled Rooster Lockwens. "Or a quadrobear . Something like that."
Chapter 44. Chicken Brains
One Chicken often heard the phrase "Chicken brains".
“Where are they?” she asked.
“If they are there, then, as a rule, they are in the chicken’s head,” answered Rooster Lokvens.
"And if there aren't any?" asked the Chicken.
"The situation with chicken brains is complicated," Lokvens explained. "It can be quite difficult to tell whether they're present or not. The difference is so subtle that diagnosis is very difficult. Medicine is powerless."
The Hen thought for a moment and remembered that many Hens sometimes complained of headaches. Therefore, their heads weren't empty. She herself had never experienced headaches.
"Maybe in my case I just don't have any brains?" she asked.
Chicken Galina looked at her intently and announced her conclusion.
"I never thought I'd say this, but in this case you're right ," Galina said. "You simply have no brains."
"As we all know, all Chickens love to exaggerate their own shortcomings in others," Raccoon Raccoon grumbled. "Or even attribute them to those who don't have them, although in this case, that's not the option."
“And not only them,” added Rooster Lokvens.
"How can this be?" the Chicken clucked. "I have no brains at all! This is unfair! Nature has deceived me!"
"It would only be a deception if you were a Ram, and a chef acquired your head to make a dish of ram's brains," Lokvens countered. "But no one promised you'd be born with brains. If there was no promise, then there's no deception."
“Well, okay, if justice has not been violated in relation to me, I can consider myself in no way disadvantaged,” the Chicken calmed down.
Out of joy, she began to run around the Bird Yard in circles and, of course, stepped on a child's rake, which hit her painfully on the head with the handle.
"Oh!" cried the Chicken. "My head hurts! That means there's something in it that can hurt! I have brains! Real chicken brains!"
In order to confirm her assumption, she stepped on the rake two more times on purpose and received two powerful blows to her Chicken head.
"Today I proved to everyone that I have brains!" the Chicken declared proudly.
"Your error is clear," Rooster Lokvens stated. "Unforgivable, but understandable."
Chapter 45. Hallucinations
One Chicken announced that she often sees hallucinations.
“Well, here we have another Joan of Arc in the Poultry Yard,” Rooster Lokvens noted in a displeased tone.
"What does this phenomenon consist of?" asked Waldo the Chicken. Curiosus .
“For example, I see you,” said the Chicken.
“Am I a hallucination?” Valdo asked in surprise. Curiosus .
"Of course!" the Chicken replied.
“But I object to this!” insisted Valdo. Curiosus .
"Will I pay attention to the opinions of a hallucination?" the Chicken replied, turning her back to her interlocutor and making several scooping movements with her paw, showering her interlocutor with sand.
"Well, my dear, you certainly wouldn't call me a hallucination!" said Chicken Preses.
"My hallucinations are being especially chatty these days!" the Chicken said instead of answering, addressing no one in particular.
"What about me?" Galina asked Kurtz .
“You are a hallucination twice over, both in essence and in name,” replied the Chicken.
“It seems that she believes that the word ‘hallucination’ comes from the word ‘ galina ’, which means ‘chicken’,” Lokvens guessed.
"Isn't that so?" asked the Chicken.
"You're not only stupid, you're also stubborn," said Rooster Lokvens. "If you think everyone here is a hallucination, they won't talk to you."
" Do you think I'll regret not having the hallucinations around me bother me with their nonsense?" the Chicken retorted with a laugh.
The chickens of the Poultry Yard were indignant and moved away from this Chicken.
"Away from the Chickens, fewer hallucinations!" said the satisfied Chicken.
"Indeed, stay away from them all ," someone said from behind the fence. "Come here to me, I'll show you something that's definitely not a hallucination!"
The chicken was delighted and hurried to the fence.
“How can I get to you?” she asked.
"There's my little tunnel under the fence here," the Voice replied. "I'm too big to fit through it, but you could easily use it to get out."
The chicken happily crawled into the hole under the fence and came out proud of itself.
“Well?” she asked. “Who are you? Where are you and why do you insist you’re not a hallucination?”
“I’ll answer from the end,” the voice replied. “I’m not a hallucination, because I’m not a Chicken. Where am I? I’m here, behind you. Who am I? Well, it’s so simple! I’m Vulpis the Fox. I’ll introduce you to my fox cubs.”
"Well, maybe just for a little while," agreed the Chicken. "I don't like hanging out with young people for long."
"Not for long," the Fox reassured the Hen. "It won't last long. My children are too hungry."
Chapter 46. Duet
Two Roosters decided to sing the same song as a duet.
They sang it three times.
"Well, how do you like it?" asked the Roosters.
"We only have three requests, or rather, amendments to the repertoire," Lokvens answered for everyone. "Otherwise, everything is great."
"Well, three amendments are a small thing!" said the First Rooster.
"We promise to listen to your amendments and incorporate them into our repertoire!" the Second Rooster confirmed.
“First, sing not simultaneously, but sequentially,” said Lokvens.
"Accepted!" the Roosters agreed.
“Second: sing three times quieter,” Lokvens continued.
“We agree,” the Roosters replied with somewhat less enthusiasm.
"And thirdly, and most importantly," Lokvens concluded. "This amendment to the repertoire is the most important. If you accept it, you don't have to accept the other two."
"Well, we like that condition!" said the First Rooster.
"We promise in advance that we accept this condition!" the Second Rooster confirmed.
" Agreed," said Lokvens. "So, friends, shall we tell them our third amendment to the repertoire? Three – four!"
"Sing somewhere far away from our Poultry Yard!" all the Chickens said in chorus.
Chapter 47. Personal Mobility Device
One Hen jumped onto the back of a Pig sleeping in a puddle. The Pig, taken aback, raced across the Yard. The other Hens scattered in all directions. The Pig squealed and raced around the Yard, knocking over an old Rooster and overturning a trough of pea leaves.
Finally, the Pig threw off the Chicken and, after running around a bit more, returned to the puddle.
"You were using a personal mobility device, weren't you?" Rooster Lokvens asked. "You've caused quite a stir. We need to develop regulations for the use of such unusual and dangerous means of transport!"
"I did everything right!" the Chicken objected. "I parked this vehicle right where I started using it! What's wrong with me?"
"We need to limit the speed of personal mobility devices in public places ," Lokvens said. "I propose we hobble the Pig."
"What does 'hobble' mean?" asked Rustic Chicken.
“Tie the two front legs together, as Shepherds do when they let their Horses out to pasture,” Lokvens explained.
"Grazing with tied legs is called 'free'?" Rusticus asked in surprise.
"Believe me, dear Chicken, a walk with only two legs tied is true freedom!" Lokvens explained. "Especially if you have four!"
"But we only have two legs!" objected Rusticus. "If we tie two legs, what kind of freedom would that be?"
"And the wings?" Lokvens reminded her. "You forgot about the wings!"
"But we can't fly with our wings!" Rustic reminded.
"Excellent! Excellent!" said Lokvens. "This fact, in particular, gives us reason to hope that we will be granted complete freedom! You can't imagine how right it is to entrust the safekeeping of nuts to a toothless person, wine to a teetotaler, meat to a vegetarian, and a harem... Well, it's too early for you to talk about that. So only to us, flightless birds, can people confidently entrust the entire sky. Therefore, we can confidently declare that the sky belongs to us."
"And I thought the sky belonged to wild ducks and wild geese!" said Rusticus.
"Nonsense!" objected Loquence. "If the sky belonged to the wild ducks and geese, hunters wouldn't be firing at them with both barrels of their guns when they use that very sky for flight! The sky belongs to us, the chickens, and that's why no one ever shoots at us, even when we're preparing to fly in earnest. We, the Roosters, sometimes even fly up onto the fence to shout our 'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' to the whole world."
"So, the Pig's front legs need to be tied," Rustic reminded. "And who will do it?"
"At least not me," answered Rooster Lokvens. "I'm not so agile anymore, and the Pig has such a mouth that she could easily swallow any Rooster alive in one bite."
"Do pigs eat chickens?" asked Rustic.
“I don’t know anything that Pigs don’t eat,” Lokvens replied.
"Even something very big?" asked Rustic.
“What, for example ?” asked Lokvens.
“An elephant,” said Rustic, who accidentally heard the hostess say something was “as big as an elephant.”
“I don’t know what an Elephant is, but I’m convinced that an adult Pig could easily eat an Elephant,” Lokvens confirmed.
"And the other Pig?" asked Rustic.
"It's late, time to sleep!" Lokvens said angrily. "Don't bother me with stupid questions!"
"What questions are considered stupid?" asked Rustic.
“Almost all the ones you ask,” Lokvens replied.
"What questions are considered intelligent?" asked Rustic.
"When you ask me if I'd like to eat that worm you found but didn't notice, or if I'd like to try some of the millet the Mistress spilled near the porch, which for some reason I don't know about, those are perfectly reasonable questions," Lokvens explained. "Feel free to ask me such questions when you have a good reason to ask them."
Chapter 48. New Master
One day the Chickens learned that the Owner was going to sell the Poultry Yard with all the birds to the Neighbor.
“They say that this Neighbor is not a very good person,” whispered the First Chicken to the Second Chicken.
“It is well known that the Neighbor is a scoundrel,” said the Second Chicken to the Third Chicken.
"There is plenty of evidence that the Neighbor has committed some kind of crime!" said the Third Chicken to the Fourth Chicken.
"All the Chickens and Ducks in the Neighbor's Poultry Yard unanimously claim to possess proof that the Neighbor is a hardened criminal, a scoundrel who has been sentenced to a total of one and a half thousand years in prison!" the Fourth Chicken shouted throughout the Poultry Yard.
"One moment, please!" proclaimed Fifth Chicken. "I've drawn up a petition that we must all sign, placing our paws on it and leaving our paw prints on it. It lists the Neighbor's atrocities. We, the Chickens of our Poultry Yard, unanimously protest the sale of the Poultry Yard to the Neighbor! If this happens, we will all be in trouble!"
"Who would have thought he was such a scoundrel?" said the First Hen, who had started the rumor, in surprise.
The gate opened and some man entered the yard.
"Who is it?" asked the Fifth Chicken.
"You still don't know?" Kanem the dog asked in surprise. "We were all sold to this man yesterday. He was our former Neighbor, and now he's the new owner of the Poultry Yard."
The fifth chicken ran up to the Neighbor, who became the New Master.
"Finally, the happy event I've been waiting for so long has happened!" she clucked. "I so dreamed that you, dear Neighbor, would become the owner of our Poultry Yard! I have no words to express my delight!"
"It was from me that she learned what a wonderful person you are, our dear Neighbor!" clucked the Fourth Chicken.
"Exactly, but she found out about it from me!" the Third Chicken clucked even louder.
"And I've always told everyone that only if the Poultry Yard is handed over to our dear and beloved Neighbor for eternity will we all be happy, and I especially!" the Second Hen chimed in.
"Oh, come on!" First Hen replied, loudest of all. "Our dear Neighbor and I have been friends for a long time. I was the one who always told everyone that we must do everything in our power to ensure that the Neighbor receives full management rights over the Poultry Yard! And today we celebrate our victory! We have won! Hurray for the Neighbor! Justice has prevailed!"
"Those chickens are clucking a lot," said the Neighbor. "There are too many of them here. We should optimize the number of chickens. I think I'll focus on raising geese."
The neighbor was a good man, but when it came to the chickens, he had an elastic ethic that the chickens didn't even suspect.
Chapter 49. Vera the Chicken
A hen named Camel , or Vera, learned a phrase from her early days that allowed her to pretend to be smart. This phrase was:
" What has been does not weigh down what will be!" she said cheerfully, after which she beamed with a wide smile.
"Tell me, my dear, are you going to lay eggs?" Galina the Hen asked her one day.
"What was doesn't weigh down what will be!" Vera replied.
"I get it," Galina replied. "You mean that just because you haven't done it before doesn't mean you won't. Well, that's very clever!"
"Will you really condescend to lay these vulgar eggs?" asked the Hen Meretrix, who was respected by no one but the young, pimply Roosters, the mature, depraved Roosters, and the old, lustful Roosterhills. In other words, her asocial lifestyle and flexible morals were approved of only by the rooster sex.
"What was doesn't weigh down what will be!" Vera replied.
"Of course, my dear, I understand!" Meretrix exclaimed. "And you're right, I agree with you completely! First, we need to live for ourselves, and then we'll see. What we had won't weigh down our future in any way! Brilliant!"
Vera the Chicken was very proud of herself.
"And what do you think awaits our Poultry Yard in the very near future?" asked Rooster Lokvens.
"What was doesn't weigh down what will be!" Vera replied.
"Do you think things can ever get better?" Lokvens asked doubtfully. "Do you really believe those insolent sparrows will stop flying into our yard and pecking at every grain the Master throws before we've even had a chance to eat it?"
"What was doesn't weigh down what will be!" Vera replied.
"Quite right," Lokvens replied. "An excellent credo for scoundrels of all stripes."
"Come here, Vera," commanded the Rooster named Trump. "It's time you started helping improve the demographic situation in the Poultry Yard and contribute to lowering the average age of the population."
"Will you give me a flower or some seeds?" asked Vera the Hen.
"I'll give you a good slap and a good punch," replied Rooster Kozyr, immediately proving that his words and actions matched his actions.
"And after all this, you still expect an intimate relationship between us?" Vera asked, offended.
"What has been doesn't weigh down what will be!" replied the Rooster Trump. "But those were your words, weren't they? Then what are you dissatisfied with?"
"He's right," Rooster Lokvens confirmed. "He's acting in complete accordance with your principles."
"With a single principle," corrected Rooster Kozyr. "It's also a credo."
"But, you know, I have an objection," Vera replied. "I want to state with all responsibility: what has been does not burden what will be!"
“I thought I could teach her a few things, but it seems to be useless,” said Rooster Trump to Rooster Lockwens .
"Beware of her," Lokvens advised. "Perhaps her stupidity could be transmitted through the very method you were planning to use to teach her some sense. And in any case, I assure you that you won't succeed in raising her intellectual level that way."
"What was doesn't weigh down what will be!" Vera replied.
“It seems that this phrase is the supporting structure of her psyche and all instincts, including the instinct to maintain her integrity,” suggested Rooster Kozyr.
Chapter 50. Sleeping Beauty
One Chicken, Sleepyhead, never took an interest in anything and therefore almost never expressed her opinion.
For this reason, she had almost no enemies. Except for Ferret the Weasel , who complained that this Chicken was so silent that you never knew where she was, making it quite difficult to track her from behind the fence of the Poultry Yard.
However, Ferret had virtually no friends among the residents of the Poultry Yard, which is quite surprising considering he never missed an opportunity to proclaim how much he loved the Hens. In this regard, he could only be compared to Vulpis the Fox, who also loved the Hens greatly, but for some reason, a friendship between her and the Hens never quite worked out. Apparently, the press, which is always giving out false information, is to blame for this; otherwise, who else could be to blame? But, anyway, let's return to Sleepyhead the Hen .
Since she had no enemies—almost none, we say—everyone tolerated her quite well, which is unusual for the Kurs as a whole. Therefore, when it came to electing someone somewhere, at first all the Kurs would start bickering, not understanding what was required of them.
- Kav -kavo- kavo ? Where -where-where?! - they asked again.
But each time, someone would suggest electing Sleepyhead , after which all the Hens would agree to this option, as the least unfavorable and least disgusting. Thus, gradually, Sleepyhead the Hen came to chair all the meetings, all the committees and commissions. And, as we know, Hens simply adore creating various committees, commissions and subcommittees; that's what they are Hens for.
So, Sliphead became the permanent chairwoman of the never-ending meetings. She barely had time to eat during the breaks. Fortunately, all the committee and commission members were fed during the so-called coffee breaks. But she was getting less and less sleep, and she loved to sleep. The situation was exacerbated by the fact that, firstly, nothing said at the committees and commissions interested her, and secondly, everyone clucked in such an even and quiet voice that all these sounds combined had a far more powerful effect on her than the most soothing lullaby.
Sleepyhead had to learn to sleep with her eyes open. And she succeeded. She'd put on an intelligent expression and doze with her eyes open. But every now and then, she'd be asked questions, and then she'd sometimes wake up and answer in such a way that her words could be interpreted in any way, but at least these remarks didn't betray that she wasn't paying attention to the conversation.
For example, she said phrases like these.
"I think everything is clear to everyone here."
“Well, after all that has been said, I have nothing more to add.”
"We will have to accept the situation as it is at this time."
"If I could tell you everything I know about this, everyone would definitely be unanimous, but in the current situation we have to use common sense."
Soon, she began to run out of phrases like these, and she had to spend hours thinking them up in advance. This took time away from her sleep, making her even more sleepy during meetings. However, she quickly learned to come up with such phrases with little preparation, and if she had trouble, she would simply say something like, " What do you think?!"
Over time, the Chickens began to think that Sleepyhead was indeed very smart.
One day, two hens, White and Spotted, were brought before her for trial. They were arguing over an egg. Each claimed the egg as their own.
"Divide it between the two of them," said Sleepyhead , and covered her eyes with film to sleep.
"Break the egg?" cried the White Hen. "No way! Let the Spotted Hen take it!"
“I’ll take them and hatch them,” said the Spotted Hen.
And so they decided. A few days later, a yellow chick hatched from the egg, and as it grew, it became mottled. The details of this story were forgotten, but everyone remembered that Sleepyhead had managed to solve this difficult problem, so her authority grew even more.
Chapter 51. Playing with Pebbles
A Rooster named Herman always heard his Master say, "Our whole life is a game." For some reason, the Master always said this whenever he met Herman. So Herman the Rooster decided to become a Grandmaster of some game. But since he couldn't play chess, and didn't have a chess set, he invented another game. Each opponent had to scoop up an identical pile of pebbles. Then, each threw their pebble into a hole. To do this, they simply turned their back to the hole and scuffed the pebble with their foot, just like all Roosters and Hens do when they rummage through a garbage heap. The one whose pebble landed closest to the hole kept both pebbles.
Rooster Herman decided he had to beat all the Roosters in the Poultry Yard at this game. Fortunately for him, all the Roosters refused to play him, allowing Herman to claim victory due to his opponent's absence. Finally, among the Roosters whom Herman hadn't "beaten" in this way, only one remained: Rooster Lokvens. Herman was already anticipating becoming a grandmaster, but, to his great disappointment, Lokvens agreed to play the game with him.
Herman and Lokvens gathered identical piles of stones. Then Herman turned his back to the hole and threw the stone in the right direction. The stone missed the hole by a full two rooster strides. Lokvens looked closely at the hole, at his stone, calculated something in his mind, then turned his back to the hole and deftly threw his stone, which landed between Herman's stone and the hole.
“I won this tour, I take my stone and yours ,” said Lokvenes .
In the next round, Herman's stone missed the hole by two rooster steps, and Lokvens' stone again fell between Herman's stone and the hole.
The third time, Herman's stone fell a little to the right, but Lokvens' stone hit the hole exactly.
Thus, round after round, Herman lost almost all of his stones, while the pile of stones at Lokvens doubled in size.
Herman was surprised to see that he only had one last stone left.
"I must remind you, Lokvens, that I am the best player at this game in the entire Poultry Yard, and indeed in the entire world," Herman said proudly. " That is beyond doubt. None of the Roosters would dare play with me, and I haven't offered it to the Chickens, as I specifically devised this game for Roosters alone. So I must warn you that no one is stronger than me at this game, and therefore you are doomed to lose. But I am magnanimous. I suggest you surrender."
"I'm no less magnanimous than you, Herman," Lokvens replied. "So, instead of boringly ending our tournament with a simple capitulation, I offer you the honorable mission of taking me apart. I intend to give you the chance to proudly beat me in this game, where you're one step away from becoming a Grandmaster. Therefore, I propose we continue the game."
"Well, I should have given you that chance for second place," said Herman. "But I see I overestimated your nobility. Apparently, you're not content with the honorable second place, which would have given you the right to the title of master stone thrower. Too bad! I'll have to beat you after all."
"I'm afraid so, dear Herman," Lokvens agreed. "Make your throw."
"Before you commit an irreversible act, I want to give you one more chance, and believe me, it's much better than my first offer," Herman said. "I propose you annul the results of our game. We'll consider the game a practice game, essentially non-existent, and we'll return to the original situation. You'll give me all the stones you won from me, and in that case, I won't lay claim to a single one of yours!"
" I'm not particularly interested in beating you," Lokvens replied. "I simply agreed to have fun with you, but I'm not used to giving up mid-game, just as I see no point in agreeing to replay a game in which not a single rule was broken. On the contrary, the game was played fairly, and I have an excellent chance of winning, and believe me, my chances are better than ever. I'm not going back to square one, I swear on a handful of pine nuts!"
“How stubborn you are!” Herman exclaimed. “You refuse to surrender, all right, I understand that. You refused to replay this game. And although I don’t understand it at all, I accept that too. Then I suggest you consider my third offer, and it will be even better than the first two. Think carefully before you refuse! It’s very favorable to you. I offer a draw! Agree that these are the best terms in the situation that has now arisen! In that case, we will both be Grandmasters. Agree, stubborn one!”
"Frankly, I don't care about the title of Grandmaster of Stone Throwing," Lokvens said. "As for assessing the situation, I'm willing to agree that your proposal is the best outcome for you. But only for you. What makes you think that your best outcome is the best outcome for me? I'm almost there, with only one throw left, so I'm not interested in any negotiations about me resigning, about me canceling the game, or even about us agreeing to a draw. Just make your move or resign."
"You're forgetting that all the other Roosters will support me, because they consider me the strongest player!" Herman finally said.
“Make your move or surrender,” Lokvens replied.
"A friend of mine once told me, 'If you find yourself in zugzwang, before you surrender, offer to surrender to your opponent. It might work,'" Herman said. "I had to try."
"It didn't work," Lokvens replied. "Make your move."
Chapter 52. Jester
One day, a rooster named Jester was moved by his owner to the neighboring yard for three weeks. As a trial run. The neighbors only kept turkeys and hens, so they decided to try keeping chickens as well, starting with the rooster. There, he told everyone how stupid and dim-witted all the chickens and roosters in his native Poultry Yard were. The residents of the neighboring yard laughed heartily at his stories, and one turkey even told him once that he had a sharp and subtle mind and a perfect sense of humor. Jester was pleased. But after three weeks, the neighbors decided they didn't like keeping roosters, and Jester was returned.
"Where have you been?" asked the Red Hen.
“ Ah, I have travelled through various countries in order to perfect my education and to form a more accurate idea of Paris and London,” replied Jester.
"Oh, Jester, tell me, how are things with the neighbors?" asked the White Hen.
"Oh, what can I say!" Jester waved his hand dismissively. "When you travel the world like this and then return to your own chicken coop, even the smell of pig manure in your own Poultry Yard is sweet and pleasant! And you, madam, have become very beautiful in these three weeks!"
"You're saying something!" the White Hen replied, blushing with pride.
"And how are Paris and London?" asked the Red Hen.
"You know, Italy is beautiful at any time of year, but I experienced its best," Jester replied. "The Greeks are all so welcoming and kind, I'm simply delighted with Holland, especially its Alps, covered with palm trees, as well as baobabs and cacti."
"And you saw all this?" asked the Black Hen.
"Ah, I've seen more than that!" Jester replied. "The outside world is vast! It's about sixteen or seventeen times larger than our Poultry Yard!"
"Is that a lot?" the Black Hen whispered to the White Hen.
“It seems to be three, and three more, and three more, and or maybe a little less,” the White Hen answered in a whisper.
"It's awful, how many!" exclaimed the Black Hen.
"But, you know, the people there are mostly just turkeys!" Jester added.
At this point all the Chickens laughed merrily.
"He's very clever and witty!" exclaimed the Red Hen.
From then on, Jester tried to always speak intelligently and humorously. The easiest way to make the Hens laugh was by telling them the faults of other Hens who weren't around at the time. And that's what he did. Everyone always laughed at his jokes. But one day, the Red Hen had a fight with the Black Hen over some barley grains.
"You're a greedy man!" she said. "Jester was right when he said you'd sell your own father for a grain of barley!"
"And he said about you that you laugh like you croak, and walk around the yard just like a Turkey!" the Black Hen replied.
Then they began sharing everything Jester had said about them. The other Chickens confirmed that everything these Chickens had told each other was indeed what Jester had said about them.
The entire Poultry Yard began to laugh at the Black and Red Hens. Black and Red Hens felt hurt and began to recount to the Hens and Roosters present what Jester had said about them. Then everyone realized they had been wrong to believe Jester had never said anything offensive about them. They realized his sharp tongue left no one alone.
Then they declared him crazy.
Then Jester, who had been sitting on the fence this whole time, gazing into the distance at the sunset and oblivious to what was happening in the Bird Yard, flew down to the center of the yard and, as usual, began talking to everyone at once and no one in particular. He wanted to figure out who would be the best person to joke about, and to do that, he needed to see who was currently absent.
"You won't be able to laugh at any of us now, because we're all here," said Rooster Lockwens.
"Oh, I'm insulted!" Jester exclaimed. "I'll go and search the wide world for a place where the insulted can find a place to rest. A carriage for me, a carriage!"
Chapter 53. Unique
One morning, a Hen named Ryaba announced that she had laid not a simple egg, but a golden one.
"Look at what I've made!" she cackled. "A golden egg!"
"Neither beauty nor benefit!" said Galina the Chicken.
"You need to change your diet ," said Fugax the Chicken. "No one will hatch from that egg."
"It looks vulgar!" said Meretrix the Hen, who was very envious of the bright shine of the golden egg.
"Well, has everyone had their say?" asked Chicken Preses. "In that case, we'll point out all the comments you made. The meeting is adjourned."
"What are you talking about?!" the Speckled Hen was indignant. "You're supposed to be delighted! It's the Golden Egg, don't you understand?"
"Christmas is a long way off, so all these Kinder Surprises are simply inappropriate," Preses replied. "Everything is good in moderation and in due time. But this is both untimely and simply outrageously excessive! And unprecedented! Stop it."
“And I thought...” muttered Ryaba the Hen.
"Chickens aren't supposed to think," Preses snapped. "Those with weakly developed instincts think. A true Chicken only needs three instincts: motherhood, self-preservation, and foraging. Everything else is superfluous."
“But there is also a fourth instinct ,” said Meretrix.
"I know," Preses snapped. "And I also know perfectly well that he's your first and only. But the Chickens are here! Curb your chatter in front of the underage Roosters and Hens!"
"What difference does it make? They'll find out anyway, and soon enough!" Meretrix grumbled, winking at the young Roosters before looking pointedly at the seasoned Rooster Warmanizer.
When everyone had scattered in search of grains, Ryaba the Hen turned to Lokvens the Rooster .
“Why didn’t they support my initiative?” she asked.
"Everyone saw how the Boss's son dropped the chocolate foil on the ground yesterday, and that you cleaned it up," Lokvens replied. "If you wrapped the egg in foil, you couldn't fool anyone. Perhaps the half-blind Grandfather and Grandmother would mistake it for a golden egg? Why do you need all this?"
"I've heard that hens that lay golden eggs are highly prized," said Ryaba. "I just wanted to be appreciated."
"The proverb sounds different," Lokvens clarified. "First of all, it's not about a Hen who laid a single egg wrapped in foil, but about a Goose who lays golden eggs. Regularly."
"Goose! How awful!" Ryaba exclaimed.
"Exactly, these wet, half-chickens, who always smell of mud and swamp, whose beaks are like shoes, and who dare to try not only to walk, but also to swim, and sometimes even fly!" Lokvens said. "But that's not enough! I've heard this saying many times. It goes like this: 'Kill the goose that lays the golden eggs.' Yes, kill. And that was the 'second thing.' So stop messing around."
The chicken returned to her egg in fear, tore off the foil and carried it away beyond the fence of the Poultry Yard.
"That's better," Lokvens approved. "Being different from everyone else is highly undesirable, and it doesn't matter whether you're trying to be different for the better or for the worse. In any case, you should expect a momentary surprise, a lifetime of hardship, and only many years after your death will you begin to attract interest, a film will be made about you, and you'll be played by Bezrukov, if you were a creative person, or Nagiyev, if you became famous for some nasty thing."
"Who are these Bezrukov and Nagiyev?" asked Ryaba the Hen.
"I don't know, I've heard about them from the owners' musings when they sit down to dinner in front of the fake window showing all sorts of nonsense they call television. I'm guessing Bezrukov has no arms, and Nagiyev has no feathers. But that's not certain."
"Fie! A featherless biped!" said Ryaba the Hen with disgust. "What kind of thing could they come up with!"
Chapter 54. The Swordsman
Young Rooster Stultus dreamed of becoming famous. He once heard that the story of d'Artagnan had been filmed one hundred and fifty times.
He grabbed a willow twig in his beak and proudly exclaimed:
- Look everyone! I am d'Artagnan!
"Who is this?" asked Meretrix the Chicken.
"He's an unstoppable swordsman with a very fast sword!" Stultus replied.
"Why is he fighting?" asked Meretrix.
"To defeat everyone!" answered the Cockerel. "And I will be the same!"
"Why does he need to defeat everyone?" asked Meretrix.
"To get from them everything he needs!" answered Rooster Stultus proudly.
"And without battles they don't give him what he demands of them?" Meretrix asked with surprise. "Is he really a good Rooster? Strong and handsome?"
"He is the strongest of all, he has conquered all, and I will be the same!" answered Rooster Stultus again. "And I will be d'Artagnan!"
" You 're d'Artvayder , not d'Artagnan," grumbled Rooster Loquence. "He'll defeat everyone..."
"Is he a French musketeer too?" asked Rooster Stultus. "Is he dead already?"
“Something like that,” Lokvens replied. “ Yeah, yeah. ” daavdo somewhere far away galagdige .
Chapter 55. Together
"I'm tired of everyone talking about nothing but the Neighboring Yard," said Chicken Preses one day. "And that's because they're louder than us. Everyone pays attention only to them, while it's as if we live somewhere far away!"
"They're really putting pressure on us!" exclaimed Meretrix the Chicken.
"Well, you do it quite often," grumbled Rooster Lockwens. "But the fact that you don't like it is news to me!"
"I didn't mean it that way!" Meretrix replied, and would have blushed if she had been able to.
"And I agree with the esteemed Preses that it's high time the Neighboring Yard was shown their place and made to keep them all in line," Galina the Chicken said. "Every Cricket gets his kick in the pants!"
"It'll be hard to dictate our will to them," said Rooster Lokvens. "There's all sorts of people living in the Neighboring Yard! All sorts of communities! That's why it's so noisy!"
"We'll put them in their place!" Rooster Somniator added aggressively. "We need to calm them all down, so they're quieter than grass, lower than the leaves!"
"Let's start shouting right now!" Rooster Herman agreed. "We'll show them where the crayfish hibernate, where the macaques sleep, where the dogs dance, and where the saigas flirt!"
"We'll shout them down right now!" Rooster Lazarus chimed in. "Let them keep their mouth shut and grumble into their slippers."
"Well, if everyone's had their say, let's start shouting on the count of three," said Preses. "Three! Whoever's with us, shout!"
The roosters and hens, and even the chicks, began crowing and making as much noise as they could. They did it with all their heart, with feeling, with purpose, and with deliberation. So much so that after a while they themselves almost went deaf. And almost all of them became hoarse.
And since they were nearly deafened, their hearing became much worse. So when they finally calmed down, it seemed to them all that it had become much quieter.
"We won," Preses croaked. "My throat just hurts. Give me some water."
Raccoon Raccoon looked around at those present and for some reason twirled his finger at his temple.
"A common cause can unite the weak into a destructive force ," he said. "Sometimes directed at themselves. By combining their efforts, the small fry achieve a stunning defeat! One that none of them could have achieved individually. One mind is good, but thirty half-wits are of dubious value."
Chapter 56. Chicken Epic
One day, young Rooster Stultus asked old Rooster Loquence what the "Epic" was.
"Epics, my friend, are stories about ancient Greek chickens," Lokvens replied. "A blind rooster named Homer composed songs about the exploits of ancient Greek chickens. About how roosters from one chicken yard called Sparta went to another yard called Troy to bring a chicken named Helen back to her home henhouse. Many glorious roosters on both sides fell in that battle! Those were glorious deeds."
"Why?" Stultus asked.
"That was the tradition," Lokvens replied. "There was no other way."
"Was the Chicken that valuable?" Stultus asked.
"Just so you know, many different Roosters wooed Helen the Hen, and only a few of their names have been preserved by history: Agapenor , Acmaeon , Amphilachus , Amphimachus , Ancaeus , Antilochus , Ascalaphus , Ajax the Great, Ajax the Lesser..."
"I like the name Antilochus ," Stultus said. "No more names, please. Instead, tell me how it ended? Did they return her to Sparta?"
"There's a difference of opinion," Lokvens replied. "The Trojans claimed they were victorious, and that Helen the Hen remained in Troy forever. The Spartans, on the other hand, claimed they were victorious, and that Helen the Hen was returned to Sparta."
"Why?" Stultus asked again.
“Rooster Paris was very concerned about her return,” Lokvens answered.
“You should fight for her yourself,” Stultus suggested.
— In epic times, Roosters did not fight with each other for the attention of some Hen, but one Poultry Yard against another Poultry Yard.
"There must have been quite a fuss!" Stultus suggested. "But I don't understand how it could be that every Bird Yard claimed they were the ones who won?"
"You know, brother, goose quills were already in use back then, and those who wrote with them were called quill-pens," Lokvens explained. "It's one of the most ancient professions. These quill-pens knew how to make any defeat look like a victory, and any victory look like a defeat. If the Spartans retreated, the quill-pens would write: 'Our valiant army exhausted the enemy, who were forced to flee.' And they weren't lying, because the enemy had to flee to catch up with the retreating Spartan army."
"How can victory be passed off as defeat?" Stultus persisted.
"It's enough to call it a 'Pyrrhic victory,' which means a victory that would have been better off never having happened. But don't ask me why, I don't even know why it's called that, or what exactly it means. I haven't read Homer's Rooster's notes, and no one has. Never, ever, to anyone. Because the Age of the Chicken is shorter than it takes to read that entire long book. And he has another one, about how one of the Roosters, named Odysseus, returned from Troy to Sparta."
"An entire book about simply returning from one Poultry Yard to another?" Stultus questioned. "Okay, I won't argue. Let's say so. Just tell me this. Why was this Hen Elena so beautiful?"
“I’ll tell you, but you won’t believe me, and if you do, you’ll laugh,” Lokvens replied.
“I promise to believe you and not laugh,” Stultus replied.
“They say that Hen Elena’s mother was a Hen named Leda , but her father was…” Lokvens answered and thought.
"Come on, don't keep me in suspense!" Stultus urged Lokvens impatiently . "Who was her father?"
“A swan,” Lokvens replied.
"A swan? Seriously?! A swan!?!" Stultus exclaimed. "And this daughter of a hen and a swan was the most beautiful hen in Sparta and Troy?!?"
“I’m surprised myself, but the epic says that it was something like this,” Lokvens answered and smiled shyly.
"It seems our old Rooster Lokvens has gone mad," thought Rooster Stultus. "He's starting to develop dementia. Well, how do you mean, starting? Progressing!"
Chapter 57. Every Rooster Has Enough Night Blindness
A Rooster named Glumov decided to marry a Hen. He asked the other Hens to put in a good word for him. They persuaded the Hen, but conspired to expose him to her. They decided to steal his diary and read aloud to everyone what he had written to the other Hens and Roosters. They searched for his diary for a long time, but couldn't find it. It turned out he simply didn't keep a diary.
"Why don't you have a diary?" asked Chicken Preses.
"Who has one?" asked Rooster Glumov.
"Don't try to act like Quentin Pinocchio!" Preses objected. "You should have a diary!"
The rooster was ashamed to admit that he could not write or read, so he chose another explanation.
“ You know, without glasses I write just like a chicken with a paw,” he replied.
"Why don't you wear glasses?" asked Chicken Meretrix.
“Because I don’t have ears,” answered Rooster Glumov.
"You see, he can't hear without his glasses!" snorted Chicken Preses. "Vladimir Vladimirovich, you know! He's like Mayakovsky," Preses explained. "He was the one who first said, 'I can't hear without my glasses!'"
"The glasses have to stay on my nose and ears," explained Rooster Glukhov. "I don't have a nose, just a beak. Well, okay. But I don't have any ears at all. So glasses won't work."
"Okay, if you didn't write down nasty things about everyone, then maybe you should have at least said them out loud?" asked Chicken Preses.
“I’m not some kind of Chatsky,” objected Rooster Glumov.
— Well, maybe he sang shameful ditties about everyone else? — asked Preses. — Maybe he did Petrosyanil ? Or stand-up ? Or Ka-ve- enil ? Or S-M- esil ? Telegramil ? WhatsAppil ?
"I don't do that," Rooster Glumov objected. "I'm a man, and men aren't that, or any of that other stuff."
“Actually, men aren’t called Roosters,” Chicken Meretrix put in her word.
"Well, you won't be able to ban me ," Rooster Glumov countered. "I'm extremely tolerant."
"There are all kinds of tolerance," Chicken Preses whispered ominously. "There's right tolerance, and there's wrong tolerance. Which one are you for?"
“I’m for the kind of tolerance that the league doesn’t condemn,” answered Rooster Glumov.
"Look! Mizulina!" Preses exclaimed.
"Where?!" Rooster Glumov asked fearfully.
After that, he looked around in fear and, just in case, quickly ran into the chicken coop.
“ I got busted ,” Chicken Preses concluded with satisfaction.
"So what's so interesting about that?" asked Rooster Stultus. "This episode doesn't even qualify as a miniature!"
"We don't have censorship," explained Chicken Preses. "But we do have moderation ."
"What's the difference?" Stultus asked.
"The nasty, vile censors cut out the parts they didn't like from the works," Preses explained. "But the moderators don't cut anything. They're much kinder. They simply block access to the work for all readers. So the work remains completely intact. Just inaccessible to everyone, but still intact. That's undeniable progress."
Chapter 58. The Irony of Fate
It happened on New Year's Eve. A rooster named Zhenya and his friends, the roosters Pavlik, Misha, and Sasha, found some grape pomace behind the owner's bathhouse, left over from the owners' winemaking activities. Rooster Pavlik boasted that he had caught his eye on a hen in the neighboring yard, and Rooster Zhenya announced that he had taken a liking to Galina, a hen. On this occasion, Pavlik and Zhenya pecked at the grape pomace especially vigorously, so soon they both collapsed. But Roosters Misha and Sasha were still standing, so they remembered that one of their friends was destined for good fortune in the neighboring yard. They figured it was Rooster Zhenya, so they pushed him, sleepily, through a hole in the fence and straight into the neighboring yard. Some time later, Rooster Zhenya came to his senses and, believing himself to be in his own Poultry Yard, headed to the Chicken Coop and dozed off on the perch he considered his own. But that perch belonged to Nadya the Hen. First, they fought, then began having an affair. Eventually, Rooster Zhenya returned to his Poultry Yard, but Nadya the Hen followed him. When the entire Poultry Yard learned of this story, everyone was very touched. So Rooster Zhenya and Nadya the Hen told the story again. Then again, and again, and again. In short, they told the story far too often. Since a bird's lifespan is short, they couldn't wait until the next New Year, so they told the story at the end of each month. At first, the story always evoked affection in the listeners, then indifference, then irritation. Finally, all the Chickens in the Poultry Yard agreed that if Zhenya and Nadya tried to tell their story again, they would all gang up on them and chase them off to the Neighboring Yard. So they did, so now Zhenya the Rooster and Nadya the Hen are pestering the Chickens and Roosters of the Neighboring Yard with their story, but that's a whole other story.
"What conclusion should we draw from this?" asked Rooster Lokvens.
"You shouldn't peck at fermented barley and wheat grains, and especially not grape pomace!" exclaimed Rooster Stultus.
“Well, that’s understandable,” Lokvens grumbled. “In other words, don’t drink! But that’s not what I meant. I meant that even a very interesting story, told twice, isn’t so interesting. And told for the fifteenth time, it’s simply disgusting. And about the fermented barley… A couple of grains are quite harmless. But no more! Stay healthy.”
Chapter 59. Higher School
At one of the largest poultry farms, called " Kiselenka, " there were so many chickens, and they were so disorganized, that the oldest chickens decided to organize a Higher School for the smartest chickens.
"Our Higher School will be ahead of all higher schools in the world because we will not only adopt the famous Bouillon System, but we will go much further!" said the Chicken-Rector. "In the Bouillon System, a fifth of the subjects are elective. In our Higher School, all subjects will be elective. In regular higher schools, independent study should not exceed a third of the time allotted for study. With us, it will be more than two-thirds."
No sooner said than done.
They gathered some young chickens and herded them into one room.
"So, students, congratulations on your first and last day of school!" said the Chicken-Rector. "We've handed you out sheets of paper with a list of subjects. You're asked to choose the one you'll be studying today. Scratch your claw next to the subject you've chosen."
"There's nothing here I want to study!" said one Rooster named Narcissus.
"What subject do you want to study?" asked the Chicken-Rector.
"Well, for example, I recently heard this word – 'exhibitionism,'" Narcissus replied. "I'd like to know what it is."
"And us! And we want to learn exhibitionism!" shouted all the other young Cockerels and Hens.
"We don't even have any teachers for that subject," said the Chicken-Rector, shrugging. "Well, fine, then figure it out yourself. Ask Anfisa or go to the websites 'V Ugol', ' Yakhonts ', or 'Altruist'."
"And what then will be the role of the Higher School?" asked Rooster Narcissus.
"We will offer you the honor of paying for your education at our university, and we will also issue you a diploma of completion from our Higher School of Exhibitionism," replied the Chicken Rector. "On genuine birch bark, and your name will be written on it in the famous 'Chicken Paw' script."
"Will there be exams?" asked one Rooster.
— There will be, but everything is the same as usual in all universities and high schools in the area and surrounding areas: attending the exam is a solid C, knowing the name of the subject is a solid B, knowing the teacher by face and name is an “excellent.”
"Will it be possible to read the name of the subject and the teacher's name on the report card?" asked one Chicken.
“ You can, if you can read,” answered Rooster-Dean.
"The best graduates will be placed in bouillon cubes and nutritional tubes for space explorers," added the Chicken-Rector.
"What does this mean, and how should we understand it?" asked Narcissus the Cockerel. "Will we like this?"
"I can't explain it in detail, it's classified information, but I can firmly say that no one has complained yet," replied the Chicken-Rector. "I can tell you in secret that getting into a tube is somewhat more prestigious than getting into a cube."
"So, I'll be in a tube!" Narcissus declared proudly.
Surprisingly, he turned out to be right, his prediction came true.
Chapter 60. An Important Agreement
The chickens at the Poultry Yard were very well organized. They elected a Chief Rooster, who promised to solve all problems in the best possible way. Naturally, he generally did solve all the problems that arose.
The Chickens' greatest fear was that the Dogs from the Neighboring Yard would steal the Chickens.
But the Chief Rooster sorted everything out.
He made three treaties that prevented the Dogs of the Neighboring Yard from harming the Poultry Yard.
They made their first pact with Ferret the Weasel . According to this pact, Ferret agreed to punish the Dogs from the Neighboring Yard if they attempted to harm the Chickens. Ferret promised to regularly supply the Poultry Yard with fly agarics, wolfberries, and ferns. According to Ferret , these amulets were excellent at protecting against Dog intrusion. Unfortunately, amulets lose their magical power over time, drying out and shrinking. But the wise and kind Ferret agreed to supply the fly agarics, wolfberries, and ferns daily. In return, he demanded only ten eggs daily. The Chickens found this price acceptable, so they took turns giving their eggs to Ferret . But the deal was worth it, as they were now convinced that the Dogs from the Neighboring Yard would never intrude.
They made a second pact with Vulpis the Fox. The terms of the agreement were slightly more complex. Vulpis promised to inform the Hens of the Dogs' location, allowing them to take cover early, and even occasionally throw pebbles and small stones at them. To do this, the Hens would stand with their backs to the fence of the Neighboring Yard and use their paws to kick the stones back, in the direction where the Dogs were presumably hiding.
"It's an excellent counterattack," Vulpis the Fox declared from behind the fence, drooling, as for some reason she always did when looking at Kur. "The advantages of turning your back on the enemy are enormous! No one will ever accuse you of retreating! After all, if you back away from the fence, you gain a more advantageous position, and if you move away from the fence, you advance!"
"Very clever!" agreed the Chief Rooster.
"If you run out of pebbles and stones, I'll throw you some more!" Vulpis clarified. "But pebbles aren't as valuable as fly agarics. They're more expensive. I'll take one two-week-old chick a day for my help."
"That's fair!" agreed the Chief Rooster.
But then a third agreement had to be made, the most important one. It was concluded at the initiative of a third party. The third party was Wolf Lupus . He approached the fence and ordered the Chief Rooster to be called.
"You're wasting your time making petty deals with small fry like Ferret and Vulpis ," he growled. "You should have made deals with me alone. Everyone else in our forest is my client. They do what I tell them. So a deal with me will be enough."
"Perhaps we should terminate the agreement with the other partners?" the Chief Rooster asked cautiously.
"Don't fuss," Lupus countered . "The more partners and allies, the better. We'll crush the Dogs of the Neighborhood with our unity! But a contract with me is a complete guarantee that all your interests will be respected! My rates are low. Two three-week-old chickens and ten eggs daily."
"This is almost at the limit of our capabilities, but the conditions are very attractive, and, besides, a guarantee of safety is the most valuable thing the Hens can have!" said the Chief Rooster.
" Perhaps you should consult with the other Kurs?" Lupus asked .
"It's an emergency," the Chief Rooster countered. "And in an emergency, I delegated all powers to myself and extended them for a hundred years. So, I'm prepared to sign a contract with you for a hundred years. Is that acceptable?"
"In these difficult times, it would be better to ensure stability for a little longer ," Lupus said sadly. "Oh well, I'm being lenient today. We'll make a two-hundred-year agreement, so be it for now, and then we'll extend it. Although I usually don't make agreements for less than three hundred years."
"What's the matter!" exclaimed the Chief Rooster. "Let's make a five-hundred-year agreement! I'll sign it! In the interests of the cause, I'm ready to extend my powers for five hundred years! After all, it's for the sake of future generations, for the sake of our unity!"
"Now that's a man's talk!" Lupus praised the Chief Rooster.
The contract was concluded, and the Chief Rooster ordered the Hens to pay for it three days in advance to demonstrate their loyalty to the new partner.
"That makes sense," Lupus agreed . "Our partnership is unwavering for the next five hundred years. Our primary goal is the well-being of your Bird Yard. The moral foundations of our entire Wolf society rest on this."
"And the Fox Society too?" asked the Chief Rooster.
Lupus asked lazily . "Basically, yes. But forget them. Don't worry about the fate of the Poultry Yard, because we have a five-hundred-year agreement, that's the main thing. Oh, by the way. Can you tell me which way this… Terra is?" Viridis ? Which way? I went to that, what's it called... Grontland ...
"Where to?" asked the Chief Rooster.
- Oh, okay, it doesn't matter, I'll figure it out myself, right after this... Indvielse ... Amtseinfuhrung ... Inhuldiging ...
The Chief Rooster was very tempted to ask Lupus to speak the language of the Poultry Yard, as he usually did with all his interlocutors, but he changed his mind and silently retreated.
"Do you know what kind of Dogs live in the Neighborhood?" Rooster Lockwens asked Raccoon Raccoon.
" There are three Newfoundlands," Raccoon replied. "Huge dogs. But they're incredibly good-natured. They wouldn't hurt a chicken."
"Then what's that frantic barking that keeps coming from there?" Lokvens asked in surprise.
"Well, it's a couple of Chihuahuas ," Raccoon replied. "Very noisy."
"And dangerous?" asked Lokvens.
"Well, yes, they are dangerous," Raccoon agreed. "They almost bit my nose off. But they wouldn't be able to defeat a week-old chicken. They're too small."
"Then why are they so loud?" Lokvens asked in surprise.
"I told you, they're small," Raccoon replied, waving his paw-hand wearily. "The small ones are always the loudest, haven't you noticed? And the most screechy."
"What are their names?" asked Lokvens.
"The loudest one's name is Inett , I think," Raccoon replied. "And the most boring one's name is Teve , I think . Or something like that."
Chapter 61. Friendship
She Chicken met Skunk.
"Who are you? A raccoon?" she asked.
"No, I'm not Raccoon, Badger, or Wolverine," Skunk replied. "I'm Skunk. And now, goodbye."
"I'm not going to leave, we haven't had our conversation yet!" the Chicken objected.
"You'll run away anyway," Skunk said sadly. "You won't like my smell."
"What is 'smell'?" asked the Chicken.
"Do you have Covid ?" Skunk asked.
"What is Covid ?" asked the Chicken.
"Do you have a sense of smell?" asked Skunk. "Do you have a nose?"
"A nose?!" the Chicken asked. "Is that a beak? I have a beak. But I don't have a nose."
"Have you heard anything about smells?" Skunk asked.
"Well, it was something somewhere, sometime..." muttered the Chicken. "I think it was something like that... But I can't distinguish smells. I'm colorblind."
"You mean you have anosmia and ageusia?" Skunk asked.
"I probably picked up all the things you mentioned somewhere. I haven't been to the vet in a while," Chicken waved her hand dismissively. "And do you have all these... Ageustia? Alexia? Amnesia? Apraxia? Agnosia? Anesthesia? Agraphia?"
"We all have agraphia," Skunk replied. "It's congenital."
"Write down all these words for me," said the Chicken. "I don't remember them."
“I would write it down, but I have agraphia too,” Skunk replied.
"So, are we kindred spirits?" the Chicken rejoiced. "We could be friends!"
“The main thing is that we don’t have dysarthria, otherwise we won’t be able to communicate ,” Skunk said.
"If she comes, we'll drive her away," the Chicken replied. "We'll be like Chip and Dale !"
"Are those the ones whose motto is 'Foolishness and Courage?'" Skunk clarified.
"I'm not so sure about courage," replied the Hen. "You know, I'm as timid as a Horse, as curious as a Squirrel, as lazy as a Cat, and as stupid as a Turtle."
"What a combination of virtues!" Skunk marveled. "You forgot two more of your virtues. Chatty as a Magpie and good-natured as a Capybara. That suits me; you're never boring!"
"Maybe, why not?" Raccoon Raccoon remarked. "Ignoring each other's flaws is the best foundation for friendship. And not admiring each other is the best way to avoid disappointment."
Chapter 62. Hypnosis
One talkative Rooster has annoyed everyone with his pestering.
Then a hypnotist named Messing hypnotized him so that he couldn't utter any phrase that contained any of the following words: "give," "help," or "promise." And the Rooster fell silent forever.
He approached everyone, opened his beak, but could no longer utter anything he wanted to say.
Young Rooster Stultus asked old Rooster Lokvens in a whisper:
— He will never be able to crow anything again?
“The power of hypnosis could have disappeared if he had said the words ‘sorry’, or the phrases ‘I’m guilty’, ‘I lied’, ‘I failed’,” Lokvens replied.
"It turns out he'll never be able to speak again ," Stultus said. "Well, everyone chooses their own fate."
"Yes, and sometimes he makes mistakes," Lokvens agreed. "It's a pity, when he was a young Rooster , he used to crow so funny and so hoarsely that the whole Poultry Yard would sometimes laugh."
Chapter 63. Winners
One day, a freestyle wrestling competition was announced at the Poultry Yard among the Roosters. First, two teams were formed: Roosters with red feathers and Roosters with yellow feathers.
At first, the other Petushki were simply going to be spectators. But one of them, the oldest and therefore the most respected and the stupidest, said:
"Our Old Roosters team has always been victorious in every fight! So we must win this fight too!"
"How can we become winners if we don't participate?" asked the other Old Roosters.
" Very simple!" replied the Oldest Rooster. "We'll join the Yellow Roosters, and then, because there will be more of us, we'll easily defeat the Red Roosters!"
And so they did. But they couldn't fight, didn't know how, and didn't want to. They only encouraged the Yellow Roosters with crows and occasionally tossed them a few grains from their reserves.
After some time, it became absolutely clear that the Red Roosters would win.
“We’re going to lose this time ,” said one of the Old Roosters.
"Not at all!" exclaimed the Oldest Rooster. "First, we'll simply withdraw from the battle. We'll downgrade the status of our conflict—or, pardon me, competition! We'll transform it from global to local. And then let the parties sort it out among themselves. If the Yellow Roosters lose, they'll be the losers, not us. We won't be participating in this competition anymore! So we won't be considered losers. And he who isn't considered a loser is always considered a winner, that's the way it's always been!"
"Remember, little Stultus ," said Rooster Loquence. "Who wins and who loses isn't so important. What's far more important is who crows their victory the loudest. The hens, for whose sake all these cockfights are held, go to the winner and disdain the losers. But they don't understand the tactics and strategy of cockfighting. Therefore, the Rooster who flies highest on the fence and crows his victory the loudest will forever be considered the winner of this fight."
"And who won this fight?" asked young Rooster Stultus.
"From the Old Roosters' point of view, they will, because they will shout their victory loudest," Lokvens replied. "From the Hens' point of view, the Red Roosters will be the winners, because they will be the ones who will get what they were looking for from their victory: the Hens' attention. After all, the Old Roosters have long since forgotten the Hens; they can only shout about their past victories and their traditional values and tolerance; they are good for nothing else. From the Yellow Roosters' point of view, they will be the winners, because although they will lose their tails, they will save their combs."
"Who will actually win?" Stultus asked.
"The real victors are you and me," Lokvens replied. "Because we didn't participate in this. You because you were too young, and I because I was too old."
Chapter 64. Raccoon Raccoon's Fable about the Fox
The Fox and the Henhouse
Once upon a time a certain red fox
Decided to rob the chicken coop
Not very convenient and easy.
There are new thoughts here – where did they come from?
That he is not a vulture,
And it’s time to look at the issue intelligently and broadly.
He said: “From now on I declare it my patrimony
I am your whole chicken coop,
And now I warn you all,
I'm taking note of all the chickens.
I will add your chicken coop to mine.
According to the document! It's called "Menu".
Understand, I need this!
And this is my global interest.
I will reduce your taxes, in addition
Only those that my country's progress requires.
I will certainly take all your hopes into account,
And I will observe in that part, in those shares,
So that my own interest is precious to me
God forbid we break it somehow in a hurry.
So, provided that all goals are achieved
You will also be better off under me:
I will set up prisons and brothels for you,
I will establish another tax,
Well, in a word, I am always glad to try for you,
So that you have civilization."
What about the chickens?
Very predictable.
They clucked and went crazy at first
Indescribable.
And then, after thinking it over, they agreed.
Such fools.
Chapter 65. Fair Protest
One day, a Turkey showed up at the Poultry Yard. It was a month before the holiday. For some reason, the Master called it "Thanksgiving," and every time he said the words, he looked at the Turkey with interest.
The turkey noticed that the Master was paying close attention to her well-fed meals. She ate with gusto. She had heard several hints that she would be the center of attention this holiday, and she was very proud of this.
She was very proud of her special attitude towards the upcoming holiday, but for some reason none of the Chickens of the Poultry Yard envied her.
"These Chickens are very well-mannered and modest," thought Turkey. "They don't have a shadow of envy for my special fate!"
One day Galina the Chicken approached Turkey and said with a strange smile:
— Today the Hosts will discuss and plan the menu for the holiday.
"I think they simply have to invite me to this meeting!" said Turkey. "I need to prepare better for this meeting. Eat better and comb my hair a little!"
“For some reason I think you won’t be invited to this meeting,” said Galina the Chicken.
"Well, that would be highly illogical!" Turkey objected. "I've had ample opportunity to confirm that I'll be the most important person at the upcoming celebration! So discussing the menu for this celebration without taking my opinion into account is simply unreasonable! Of course I'll be invited!"
"They'll definitely invite you!" agreed Galina the Chicken. "But not to discuss the menu, a little later. A couple of days later, maybe."
"Well, that's not quite right, but I'm glad I'm invited, so my opinion won't be ignored!" Turkey said proudly and went off to peck at the food the Mistress had poured out for her.
Summary from Raccoon Raccoon
Some little Ham got into a fight
With a strong and big Neighbor.
At first he barked like an angry dog,
And he shouted to himself, “I’m not afraid.”
The neighbor endured as best he could, but soon
He decided to fight back against the impudent man.
And he gave it to Ham in such a way that it was simply grief!
And he sees that everything is coming to an end.
Well, Hama stood up for me here.
Another landowner, not a neighbor.
He decided to get peace for him,
So that Ham would not have any more troubles.
Now we're talking about conversations.
That it's time to stop the tournament,
There is little sense in these discords
What is needed is finally a lasting peace.
Hearing this, Ham became furious,
And he started shouting at the whole street:
“If peace is on my agenda,
“Then don’t you dare discuss this without me!”
Where did you get this idea from?
Why is your opinion so important to those two?
It doesn't matter what Turkey thinks.
Regarding the Thanksgiving menu!
Chapter 66. Encyclopedia of Nonsense
One Hen decided to compile a "Complete Encyclopedia of Stupidities." Every time one of the Hens, Roosters, or Chickens did something stupid, she would go up to the fence and draw a line on it with her paw.
She was bursting with pride at her creation.
True, she couldn't write, so her encyclopedia contained nothing but these "memory marks." If she could at least count, then one could see how many stupid things she'd seen in her life. But she couldn't count either.
She was itching to tell someone about her literary achievement, but it was impossible, as each of the Hens, Roosters, and, especially, Chicks, had already committed more than their share of stupid mistakes. The Hen thought that if anyone in the Poultry Yard saw these marks, they would immediately recognize that some of the scratches were signs of their own stupidity, and then they would be offended by the Hen, which was not her intention.
Finally, she decided she could share her creativity with Raccoon Raccoon . Not because he hadn't done anything stupid—Chicken couldn't vouch for that. She simply didn't take into account the stupidities committed by anyone who wasn't of the Chicken species.
"Come on, I'll show you something!" she said to Raccoon Raccoon .
Raccoon the Raccoon reluctantly approached the fence and looked at the place that Chicken pointed to.
"What is this?" asked Raccoon. "A scratched fence?"
"This is the result of my months of observation!" the Chicken said proudly. "Every time I encountered someone's stupidity, I made a note here!"
"A grade out of five?" Raccoon asked.
"A mark, meaning a scratch, a notch, a nick!" the Chicken clarified.
Raccoon the Raccoon picked up a sharp-edged stone with his nimble fingers, walked up to the fence and added another mark.
"What is this?" the Chicken asked with interest.
"I've added a note about what you're doing," Raccoon replied. "Now your encyclopedia is complete, at least for now."
Summary from Raccoon Raccoon
A fool is one who does stupid things,
Giving a theme and plot to fables.
But he who makes up fables is also stupid,
In dreams of ennobling the whole world.
After all, the prototypes of fables, that's the trouble,
They will never recognize themselves in them!
Chapter 67. Bird's Gratitude
A young chicken named Viridis got into the habit of stealing food from a large, strong rooster named Ursus. Ursus, the rooster, didn't punish the chicken; he pretended to notice. Then Viridis became so brazen that he began plucking Ursus's feathers while he slept, and even broke several eggs from the hens that belonged to Ursus's circle of friends.
Ursus took offense and gave the foolish Viridis a kick. This happened in front of the owner's daughter, Tuba. The owner's daughter took pity on Viridis and petted him, and from then on began feeding him separately from the other chickens, choosing the best grains for him. Viridis was very pleased with this and began regularly meeting Tuba when she left the house. His whole appearance showed Tuba how much he loved and appreciated her, and how much he appreciated the food he received individually. He gained weight, his appetite grew, but Tuba couldn't refuse him another helping of feed. Even if the sack ran out of millet or other grain, Tuba would scoop out the last handful and give it exclusively to Viridis. Viridis was so accustomed to feeding from Tuba's hand that she handed him food without fear. No matter how much grain Tuba had in her palm, Viridis would peck it all, and then begin to furiously peck Tuba's palm and fingers, demanding more and more grain. But Tuba would pull her hand away and walk away. If Viridis felt he hadn't received his special treat in a while, he would become very restless.
One day, the grain ran out and new ones hadn't arrived yet, but Viridis was in a terrible rage, running in circles around the Poultry Yard and raising clouds of dust. Then Tuba decided to show Viridis that the grain was gone.
"See, little one?" Tuba asked, holding up her empty hand. "Silly! I'd give you some grain, but I just don't have any right now, I'm out. Be patient, they'll buy some and bring it soon, but for now we have to wait. See, my palm is completely empty?"
And she raised her empty hand to Viridis's eyes.
But Viridis refused to understand. He grew angry and pecked Tuba's palm and fingers with all his might several times, so hard that he cut her in several places until she bled.
"You vile, insolent, shameless Viridis!" Tuba cried, in great pain. "Go away at once!"
She removed her hand and straightened up to her full height.
"Go away, I won't feed you anymore!" said Tuba.
Then Viridis opened his wings, jumped up to Tuba's feet and pecked poor Tuba on the legs several times with all his might.
"Get away, ungrateful!" Tuba exclaimed.
She kicked Viridis just below his tail, sending him flying toward the fence.
He couldn't understand why Tuba, who always fed him grain, was suddenly sending him away, and even humiliating him in front of the entire Poultry Yard, kicking him so hard he flew off and landed in a stinking puddle next to the trough where the pigs were fed. He was lucky that the big Porkus the Pig wasn't around, as he could easily have gobbled up Viridis. Porkus was trained not to bother the hens, but the Viridis that emerged from the muddy puddle didn't look like a chicken at all; he looked more like a starling or a sparrow that had accidentally flown into the Poultry Yard. And no one ever reprimanded Porukus about the starlings and sparrows, and if such a thing happened, he wouldn't get into trouble.
"Do you want to bite the hand that feeds you?" asked Rooster Loquence. "Then prepare to lick the wounds of the boot of the one who stops feeding you!"
Summary from Raccoon Raccoon
A skunk was tamed by a certain lady
And he was trained to take food from the hand.
But Skunk suddenly raised his spirits,
That he insulted the lady's sense of smell.
The grievances were great,
And the food from the hand ran out.
Even if you are a Skunk by nature,
Know your place, perhaps.
And in front of all the people, honestly
Sit quietly and don't stink.
Chapter 68. The Fable of the Parrot and the Bear
One day, the Parrot sat down to play cards with the Bear. For some reason, he thought he'd beat him. The Baboon, the Donkey, and the Rooster bet on the Parrot's victory. It should be noted that the Baboon was pretending to be a Lion because he had a similar mane, but that was all. Since money was at stake, they decided to help their victory a little, so they all stood behind the Parrot and whispered in his ear which card to play. They even tossed him cards from a marked deck from time to time. But the Baboon was very old and soon had to retire, making way for the real Lion.
The lion said, "This won't do, my dear! You've already lost everything you had! All our bets are lost! We won't help you anymore! You know what, my friend? You quit the game!"
But the Parrot objected. He said, "I've already lost so much that I shouldn't quit the game; I have to win back everything I've lost!"
Lev countered, "You can't win; you don't have any trump cards! Quit the game, or we won't give you any tips, and I want my bet back!"
The Parrot was offended, but the Donkey and the Rooster consoled him, saying that together they were much stronger than the Lion. So the Parrot tried to continue the game, but his defeat became even more obvious and swift. Then he turned to the Lion and said, "I'm ready to quit!"
Leo replied: “It seems like things are moving forward!”
Then the Donkey and the Rooster shouted across the clearing: "Well, there you have it! Things are looking up! Now the Parrot is ready to quit the game, on the condition that the Bear returns everything he lost, despite the marked cards, with our help, and with the help of the Baboon! Now we'll see for ourselves just how honest the Bear is! If he agrees to our terms, then he's an honest player! And if he doesn't, then he's a cheat!"
Raccoon Raccoon, standing nearby, watched all this with a sarcastic smile. He thought, "How interesting! The losers have agreed among themselves to a draw, and on that basis, they're demanding that the winner admit defeat! Animals can truly be very stupid sometimes! Chicken brains are truly found not only in chicken heads!"
A Fable from Raccoon Raccoon
Three Roosters were beaten by the Fourth
At least they fought as best they could.
And here they are, pinned to the wall,
They started talking to him like this.
“You see, we know how to fight!
Prolonging the fight is a waste of time!
But we're tired of it, to be honest.
You'll get beat up here and there.
Admit your powerlessness,
And quickly, my friend, surrender!
But our Rooster was no fool,
And he said to them this:
“I see you’re not into science.
A set of training procedures.
I've become skilled at teaching you,
But you are too impudent!
So that it doesn't end in disaster for you,
Go away! And don't make a sound!
Don't make a fuss here,
And stay away from our chickens!
Chapter 69. Turbacracy
One day, Rooster Stultus asked Rooster Loquence how migratory Ducks agree on where to fly.
"They have a turbacracy," Lokvens replied. "Crowd rule. Everyone gathers together to solve any problem. Where the majority goes, everyone goes."
"Isn't that democracy?" Stultus asked.
“If you prefer Greek, then you can say that,” Lokvens replied and shrugged, or, more accurately, slightly spread his wings to the side. — It would be more correct to call it “ intando” " Yeningi ." It's in Zulu. Because all states that call themselves democratic are not far removed from the level of civilization of some African tribe. Forgive me, but I don't know the languages of all African tribes, so I chose Zulu. But if you prefer the word "democracy," feel free to use that.
"Democracy, isn't it wonderful!" Stultus said enthusiastically.
"A bouquet of roses and thistles, nettles, wormwood, and daisies—do you think that's the best thing that can be made from this material?" Lokvens inquired.
“It’s not very pretty,” Stultus said doubtfully.
“One rose is probably better than a bunch of them,” Lokvens confirmed.
"Then why is everyone praising turbocracy so much ?" Stultus asked.
"Because a bouquet made from everything that's ever been is still better than a single thistle or nettle bush," Lokvens suggested. "The average, of course, isn't better than the best, but it's better than the worst. Averaging your thoughts is a guaranteed protection against villainy, though it also excludes genius. An excellent tool for crowd control! Almost as excellent as religion! However, democracy is just one form of religion. The belief that a herd of donkeys is smarter than a single donkey. Fortunately, we don't have any democracy in the Poultry Yard."
"What kind of society do we have?" Stultus asked.
"We have a deep state with a puppet gladiatorial d;cor," Lokvens replied. "The entire Poultry Yard is governed by featherless bipeds. They fatten us up, collect taxes from us in the form of eggs, feathers, and sometimes, I suspect, something worse. But they let us feathered fools think we have an elected government. Every four years, the two most foolish Roosters stage gladiatorial fights. And the Hens, as well as the young Roosters, who are Roosters in every sense of the word, favor one Rooster or the other, who then becomes our Inno -Courant for four years."
" A foreign agent ?" Stultus asked.
" You could say that, but they call themselves Inno -Kurant," Lokvens corrected. "Because after the Cockfight, the winner undergoes Inno-Kuration . That is, he declares himself different from all the other Kurs. He places his wing on a white stone and says: 'I swear to lead you Kur-a- tno , not to ca-r -o-le , if necessary, to give Kur-i-le to any enemy, and that no bullies from beyond the border will deprive me of Kur-i-le , I promise to invest in the development of the Kur-i-le par-i, not to ca-r-o-le over these four years, not to Kur-i-le-ve excessively, and to ensure that all the Kur-i-le are well-Kur-mi-led, to fight Kur-ren-ia, but to retain the right to re-Kur-i-le, and I also promise to annex Kur-i -land and the Kur-i-les to our Poultry Yard.'"
"What are the Kuril Islands ?" Stultus asked.
“It’s traditional for those to the east to demand from those to the west,” Lokvens replied. “It’s a long tradition, pleasing to both sides. Those to the east rejoice in the fact that if they are allowed to demand, it means they have some basis for doing so. This makes them happier. And those to the west of them rejoice when they are called the West, which they never have been and never will be. Moreover, they get particular pleasure from answering each time: ‘Nothing of the sort, don’t even hope for it!’ Generally, it’s always pleasant to say such things to the face of those you don’t love and don’t fear, or to say them mentally to those you don’t love but are wary of. The best form for this is in Japanese: ‘Many- Hotsisi , Mala- Polutsisi , Na -Kosya Vy- Kusya ’. Something like that. I’m not very good at Japanese.”
“And what is Courland ?” asked Stultus .
"It's a new trend," Lokvens replied. "Every gladiator must make promises they can't keep under any circumstances. It's the most effective way to achieve victory. After all, your opponent won't be able to steal your promises because they won't be able to figure out how to keep them."
"And how will the winner be able to fulfill them?" Stultus asked.
"Not at all," Loquence replied. "Gladiators' promises before and during a fight aren't made to be kept, but to egg the crowd on. Gladiators shout, 'I'll roast you and eat you guts and all!' or 'I 'll pluck every feather out of you !' or, for example, 'I'll make our Poultry Yard great again!' No one intends to keep them, my friend; they're just shouted out of tradition. And remember, friend, promises, oaths, and agreements are only kept if the other side can enforce them. For example, if a Rooster, caught in the clutches of a Ferret, promises to never wake him up in the morning with his crow again, you can be sure that Rooster will keep his promise." But if he makes such a promise while sitting on the roof of the Chicken Coop, that promise is not worth an eggshell.
"Can't the Chickens influence the actions of the Gladiator Rooster?" Stultus asked.
"Once every four years they can influence what promises they get from him," Lokvens replied. "And that, believe me, is a lot."
“I’d like to know one more thing,” Stultus began.
" If you know too much, you'll run away from the cook," Lokvens replied. "And I don't advise that. Your nutritional status will suffer. Better go and peck at something."
"And you?" Stultus asked.
“I have a healthy lifestyle,” Lokvens answered proudly.
Stultus went to peck at the few grains that remained in the Poultry Yard from the last time the Cook threw three handfuls of millet into the center of the Yard.
Lokvens strictly adhered to the principle of "Swear off fat eating," or, in short, "healthy lifestyle." He firmly learned that the fattest chickens and roosters somehow end up in the kitchen too quickly, especially before the holidays.
Chapter 70. Peacock
One day, a Peacock showed up at the Poultry Yard. Either he was being transported somewhere, and the courier decided to take a break at an inn on the way and arranged for the Peacock to stay at the Poultry Yard for the time being, or he got lost from a traveling zoo, and the volunteers who found him took him in for a while, or perhaps some drunken sponsor decided to do the Poultry Yard's Master a favor. We don't know. The only fact is that, out of nowhere and for who knows how long, a real Peacock suddenly appeared among the Chickens and Roosters.
“Not a Rooster, and not a Chicken, not a man, and not a woman,” said Rooster Lokvens.
"You don't understand anything!" said Peacock. "I'm an artist! I shouldn't have ended up here at all! I just walked through the wrong door!"
"They have interesting fashion in Paris!" said Meretrix the Hen dreamily, carefully examining the Peacock's feathers.
"Yeah, right," agreed Chicken Preses. "In this world of haute couture, they always dress so impractically! You can only parade around the stage in this, nothing more. And try rummaging through a dung heap in this outfit! Totally impractical!"
"I like him," said the strange Rooster named Effemirare. "I want to be friends with him."
“Only people like you can be friends with him,” commented Rooster Bibitor.
"To avoid being xenophobic, one should treat such creatures with understanding, but to avoid being xenophilic, one should do so from a distance," Lokvens clarified.
"Is there such a word as 'xenophile'?" asked young Rooster Stultus.
“Now there is,” said Lokvens.
“A very timely addition to the chicken tongue,” agreed Raccoon Raccoon.
Rooster Stultus sighed and timidly approached Peacock.
"Pavlin Bedrosovich, may I ask you for an autograph?" he asked.
" What else have you come up with?" said Peacock. "Well, fine, so be it."
The peacock dipped his paw in red clay and made an imprint on Dog Canem's white booth.
The next day, Peacock was missing from the Poultry Yard. He disappeared as suddenly as he had appeared.
But Meretrix the Hen found near the fence where he had flown two beautiful feathers with bright round tips that looked like eyes.
"This is his parting gift to me!" said Meretrix, hiding the feathers in her secret place. "We were so spiritually close! We looked at the moon together all night, and he told me about Paris, Barcelona, and Rome!"
"Maybe about Mumbai?" Lokvens asked.
"Oh, you wouldn't understand!" Meretrix objected, rolling her eyes and abandoning herself to her memories, or dreams, or more likely, dreams of memories. "I'll name my chick Philoxenus in his honor! And I'll affectionately call him Filya."
“Not a philoxenus, but a xenophile,” Lokvens corrected, but no one heard him.
Everyone expected that the next egg laid by the Hen Meretrix would hatch into some other Chick, at least a little like the Peacock. But that didn't happen. The Chick was quite ordinary.
"She's a liar!" grumbled Galina the Chicken.
“And I always have been,” Preses commented.
“Like all of you,” added Lokvens.
“When the Chickens start to measure their intelligence, there is nothing funnier,” grumbled Dog Kanem.
"Yes," Raccoon Raccoon countered. "When they compete in flying or swimming. Or long jumping. Or anything except shoveling dung heaps and hatching eggs."
Chapter 71. Hoopoe, Peacock and Eagle
"Listen to what's going on in the world!" said the migratory duck, perching on the fence of the poultry yard.
After that she began her story.
It seemed to the Hoopoe that the Peacock was looking too closely at his nest.
And no wonder, because the Peacock's feathers are so thick that it resembles Argus, the Greek deity with a hundred eyes. How can you keep track of each eye?
Hoopoe began to tease Peacock. First he pulled out one feather from his tail, then another, then two at once.
The Peacock got angry and tore out Hoopoe's entire crest.
At this point, the Bald Eagle intervened in the fight.
"Stop fighting!" he said. "If you both don't stop fighting this very minute, the day after tomorrow I'll completely destroy the Peacock's nest! And anyway, I'll count to a hundred, then I'll strike! One, two, a hundred!"
After these words, Orlan flew to what he believed to be the Peacock's nest. He slammed his chest into the tree where the nest was supposed to be. Leaves, small dry twigs, and fruit rained down from the tree, and even a baby squirrel fell out.
"See how I can punish you?" Orlan asked proudly. "Make peace immediately, forever, or at least a truce for twelve hours! Otherwise, I can't vouch for myself! Things will get worse!"
"When should the ceasefire go into effect?" asked Pavlin.
“In an hour,” Orlan answered.
“I agree,” said Peacock.
"And I agree!" exclaimed Udod. "Mr. Orlan, I congratulate you on your remarkable actions! You acted as a true champion of justice, goodness, and peace! I am proud to know you, our gratitude is boundless, our union is forever unprecedented, your feat is limitless!"
"I know," Orlan replied. "I'm entitled to the Ig Nobel Peace Prize, and I'm going to get it. If you need a peacekeeper, just ask. What a great deal!"
“Another fifty-eight minutes,” said Peacock.
After this he flew up to the Hoopoe and tore out his tail by the roots.
The hoopoe also managed to pluck a couple more feathers from the Peacock.
The next day, Hoopoe announced his victory to all of Hoopoe. A hoopoe parade, hoopoe salute, and hoopoe celebrations took place to mark Hoopoe's complete and unequivocal victory over Peacock.
That same day, Peacock also announced his victory. A peacock parade, a peacock salute, and a peacock celebration took place to celebrate Peacock's complete and unequivocal victory over Hoopoe.
The hoopoe presented himself with a multitude of nuts.
The peacock handed himself one nut, but a very large one.
Orlan rewarded himself with a huge mirror carp.
"I never would have thought that beating up squirrels was the best form of peacekeeping," said Raccoon Raccoon. "A strange trampsformation has occurred in the world."
A Fable from Raccoon Raccoon
"What cheekbones and grin!
What a magical profile you have!" –
so Doctor Faustus exclaimed,
when Mephistopheles appeared.
"You are a noble peacemaker!
You have sent peace to all!
You are the people's savior,
and our unshakable idol!
Peace has come! Enmity is forgotten!
Allow me to lick your hoof!"
Chapter 72. Beetle
A rooster named Viridis had a habit of sneaking into the neighboring barn. He'd sometimes climb in through a hole, sneak up behind a cow, and crow:
– Give, give, give us! Give more, give more!
Each time, the cow, frightened, left him her "cashback" in the form of a small pile containing many undigested grains. The rooster pecked them out with great relish.
One day, being very hungry, he climbed into the cowshed at dusk, and without noticing who exactly he was sneaking up on, he started repeating his story again:
– Give it, give it, give it to us! Give us more, give us more! Hurry up and more, more!
But he didn't notice that it was a large and very well-fed bull. The bull also gave Petushok his "cashback," so much so that Petushok was completely knocked over. He barely managed to get out from under such a gift. And after all this, the bull kicked Petushok Viridis with its hoof so hard that he lost all desire to go into the barn again. It's a good thing he didn't get horned!
From now on, Rooster, you'll learn a lesson. Be content with what you deserve. And don't demand more.
A Fable from Raccoon Raccoon
One blue dung beetle
He suddenly moved into the stable.
He barely looked around,
How I became immensely delighted.
"What a stroke of luck!"
Thought the delighted Beetle
It is known that manure is for beetles
Sweeter than molasses and roses.
“I will not share with anyone,
and I will not give away my wealth!”
And Beetle is extremely zealous at this
Buried his head in manure.
"Need and hunger are forgotten!
From now on I am happy to the point of tears!
Suddenly a horse's hoof
He was crushed into the manure.
So, without having tasted the treat,
Without informing the family,
Our Beetle in a single moment,
He ended his life with a bang.
* * *
When for some reason you
Streams of grace flow,
You should think about it. What if
And you, like Beetle in that stable?
How have you deserved these benefits?
What are the piastres and ducats for?
Or maybe they are just two steps away.
Until the inevitable reckoning?
Chapter 73. The Homeless Rooster
A young Rooster, out of curiosity, went beyond the fence. But when it was time to return home, he couldn't find his yard. Then, unfortunately, it started raining. The Rooster was soaked to the skin, and so, shivering and wet, hungry and cold, he arrived at the Poultry Yard, where our old friends lived.
“Help with whatever you can, whoever you can,” the Rooster squeaked and fell nose first into a puddle, blowing bubbles through his nostrils.
“We should help him, of course ,” said one Chicken Preses.
"Of course we will help!" said the other Chicken.
They lifted him out of the puddle, washed him of manure, dried him, and fed him.
In the morning they gave him fresh grain again, warm water, hung a bag of grain around his neck and asked him to go home.
All day long the Chickens were proud of the good deed they had done.
But in the evening the Cockerel came to them again.
- Forgive me, my dears! I've been wandering around all day, but I still haven't found my yard!
“It’s okay, you’ll spend the night with us, and tomorrow morning you’ll go look for your yard again ,” said Chicken Meretrix.
But the same thing happened the next evening, and on many subsequent evenings. Everyone had already gotten used to the fact that the Cockerel dined, spent the night, and had breakfast at the Poultry Yard, and then spent the day searching for his true home. Only the bag of grain they gave him for the journey grew fuller and fuller with each passing day.
One day, Stultus the Rooster climbed up the fence, waiting for the hapless Rooster. Suddenly, he saw the Rooster approaching, well-fed, clean, and fluffy. But before arriving at the Poultry Yard, he jumped into a puddle, bathed himself completely in it, and only then approached the hole in the fence to crawl into the Poultry Yard, where he was washed, fed, and put to bed.
“Something’s wrong here,” Stultus thought.
Lockwens everything he had seen .
"Do you remember who's been talking loudest and most often about the need to support this Rooster?" Lokvens asked. "It's Preses and Meretrix. Wake up early tomorrow morning; we'll see them all behind the fence."
The next morning they quietly crawled out beyond the fence and hid behind a bush.
After a while, Petushok, as usual, crawled out through the hole in the fence. But he didn't immediately go looking for his old yard. He paced along the fence, clearly waiting for someone.
Then the hens, Preses and Meretrix, emerged from the hole. The cockerel untied his bag and poured two rather sizable mounds of grain in front of them.
Each of them received their share.
"Everything alright? Settled, as usual?" asked the Cockerel. "Then I'm going home. See you this evening."
He went, as it turned out, to the neighboring yard, and Preses and Meretrix returned to the Poultry Yard only when they had pecked their shares of grain clean.
After this Lokvens And Stultus Same unnoticed returned home .
- I I'll talk With Dog Kanem , - said Stultus . – Today In the evening He will meet his at this holes V fence . More He To us Not will come spend the night . No. Don't worry , Kanem. trained Not kill Chicken And Petukhov , but He to him will show where crayfish overwinter .
Fable from Raccoon Raccoon
PARROT
One some parrot
Became complain to everyone on life my .
AND at least at everyone around life - Not paradise ,
AND contain to everyone it is necessary family .
Although a miracle , but his moaning
Reached to universal confessions .
They're hanging everywhere on trunks sheets ,
Already subscriptions started ,
Everyone must mite V help give ,
So that To the parrot help ,
Although b trousers had to tighter tighten .
Supports hand necessary and stretch !
A Parrot squeaks that there's nothing to eat , they say ,
What sick So - no get up , no sit down ,
What feathers Not left ,
Il only the most only a little bit .
What beak his Not Maybe loudly click ,
What blown through nest from each clicks ,
From colds , they say , snot flowed
AND paws got numb .
Here animals All And birds
Let's more stronger pursuit
Supply his And those And this ,
In to everyone your own relatives refusing children .
A further - more . They are sent tons fruits , vegetables ,
AND even meat send And fish ,
AND ligaments crayfish And bream ,
They give And that which Not give could would ,
Yes after all it is forbidden Not give !
After all to the neighbor - then necessary help !
AND they promise send , a little wait a minute ,
Eider fluff , tents from rain ,
AND nets from mosquitoes tons
AND other rubbish - many millions .
But This All nothing V comparison With money
Their send trucks .
By air send money tons ,
A By earth - wagons .
Where this shower golden ?
After all every sponsor myself Not so rich !
Answer simple :
Rollback .
Chapter 74. Trump Dog and the Barking Coalition
Once upon a time, it seems like a long time ago now, old Dog Loaf helped guard the chicken coop from Ferrets and Foxes. But he grew old and went away somewhere, perhaps into retirement. His owners wrote him off, either because he loved ice cream and whipped cream, or because he stopped doing his job, or even because he started doing something other than his job—most likely, all of these things.
In his place was installed a not-so-young red-haired dog named Kozyr (Trump Dog). They called him "Red" out of habit, as he was already quite gray. But he was still quite a hound. That is, overly active. The first thing this new dog did was stop gnawing on the neighbors' fence. The neighbors even decided that he was finally a proper guard dog. This dog had an old friend, a fat rooster, known in his youth as Orphan, who was therefore named Orbanus in Latin , or simply Orbanus (you've already noticed that the Master loved Latin and named all the chickens after Latin words). Orbanus was overjoyed when Kozyr Dog was once again chosen to guard the chicken coop. It must be said that once upon a time, a whole four years ago, Kozyr the Dog already performed these functions, but somehow he was replaced by Loaf the Dog. Now Kozyr is back, full of new, daring and original plans for how he will behave in the chicken coop.
“These three booths will now be mine too ,” said Trump Dog, pointing with his paw at the spacious cages for Mexican pheasants, Canadian chickens, and Greenland partridges.
“Actually, these aren’t dog houses,” Meretrix the Chicken objected, almost in a whisper.
“Perhaps this is not entirely correct, although, of course, it is logical and fair ,” said Chicken Fugax.
“We shouldn’t really agree with this outright,” suggested Galina the Chicken.
"It turns out we've already spoken out, which means we've fulfilled our civic duty, and it turns out we can now simply wait in silence for events to unfold ," said Chicken Meretrix, much more confidently and loudly.
"Also, let Rooster Matador change his gait," demanded Dog Trump. "I don't like his gait, so let him change it, yes, he must change it, because I don't like it, and I warn him that he must change it immediately."
Rooster Matador did not accept the claims of Dog Trump.
“I walk exactly as I think necessary,” he objected.
At night, the Trump Dog climbed into the chicken coop and ate the Matador Rooster, and at the same time his Hen.
"Are we really going to remain silent?" Meretrix the Chicken asked in an angry whisper.
"The best protest is silence," replied Galina the Chicken. "I heard somewhere that someone smart wrote that silence can be more eloquent than a scream. So let's keep quiet."
"And how silent I am!" whispered Chicken Preses. "I am so silent that I can probably be heard even from behind the dung heap!"
“And I can’t even open my beak from anger,” whispered Fugax the Chicken, barely opening her beak.
"What do you say to this, esteemed Rooster Orbanus ?" asked Rooster Lokvens. "Isn't this the same thing the Foxes and Ferrets do to us? After all, the Trump Dog simply stole and devoured the sovereign Rooster and Hen! What would you call that?"
"I can say for sure that this is different," Rooster Orbanus answered firmly . "You can't compare it. This is different."
"By the way, I should tell you, I don't like the way Rooster Petro walks, and I'm also taking a very close look at Rooster Miguel's gait," declared Dog Trump. "I really don't like it, and I'll solve these problems soon. No one in our Poultry Yard will walk with a gait I don't like. It's in my best interests to fix this, and I will. And I will add to my kennel those territories I've already mentioned. These are my global interests, and therefore it will be accomplished. It will definitely be accomplished."
"Don't you think such a guard is worse for us than those he's supposed to protect us from?" asked Rooster Lokvens.
"We're ready for dialogue, but right now we're protesting, and our protest is a resounding silence!" Galina the Chicken said firmly, clenching her beak to prevent any more clucking from escaping.
" But how expressively we remain silent!" Meretrix the Chicken whispered ominously.
Chicken Preses said nothing, for she was engaged in an even more eloquent silence.
"Actually, we've only benefited from this situation ," said Rooster Orbanus . "We'll get the same amount of feed, but there are fewer of us, so we'll all get more feed now. That's good news for all of us. Yes, it's good news; the feed problem will be less acute."
Little Puppy Miller (he once got covered in flour, for which his Master nicknamed him Miller, or in Latin, Miller) said:
"I must explain everything. For a long time, the Watchdog had to balance his desires with the needs of the Coop. Ultimately, it's ridiculous. The Trump Dog is the dominant force in the Poultry Yard. A dominant force shouldn't take into account the opinions of other forces. The Dog shouldn't balance his desires with the needs of some chickens. He will protect the chickens from foxes and ferrets, of course, but only within the limits of those actions he deems reasonable. And this only applies to those chickens who are respectful to him, whose gait, head tilt, clucking, and plumage color don't irritate him. If he doesn't like someone's gait, he will take action. And these measures will be applied. Because a dominant force shouldn't consider any kind of legality, morality, ethics, or other such nonsense.
"This is good news for us, and it's something completely different," Rooster Orbanus repeated . "It can't be compared to the actions of the Foxes and Ferrets. It's something different."
A Fable from Raccoon Raccoon
Some Beekeeper once
I suddenly decided to hire a bear,
So that he would begin to guard the hives
From any adversary.
The bear was useful at first,
He drove away other bears,
But he himself became addicted to honey,
And he often stuck his paw into the hives.
He did whatever he wanted,
He ate honey three times a day,
But after three years
This secret came out.
The bear, not at all embarrassed,
He then made the following speech:
"Man! I don't need you anymore.
I have been doing my service for a long time,
But these hives will continue to exist
Mine, because I am a Bear.
After all, that's a bear's interest,
"Both justice and progress."
The Beekeeper was in great grief,
After all, the Bear ruined it!
You can't win by arguing with the Bear.
It's better not to have anything to do with him.
There was only one thought on my heart:
“Whom should I have hired?
To protect my property?
My advice to you: buy a gun.
* * *
Politicians! Are you blind?
After all, I am telling you this as a lesson!
Why did you need bases?
Did Denmark become stronger with them?
In fact, the island is no longer yours.
The result, of course, is not accidental:
You will give consent against your will,
Whoever owns the bases is the boss there.
Raccoon Raccoon was so pleased with this fable that he lost himself in his reverie and didn't notice how the Master almost stepped on his tail. Then Raccoon Raccoon turned over his notebook and wrote the following lines on the back cover:
RACCOON AND NOTEBOOK
One resourceful Raccoon
I found a notebook on the street.
And a thought came to his mind: could it be more dangerous?
He began to write down there - the Raccoon got carried away by the fable.
Chickens
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