A Fat and Fragrant Globe For Thanksgiving

Shcheglova Olga (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666: ORTHODOX MILITARY PUTINISM
 Album of satirical miniatures

MINIATURE №67
A FAT AND FRAGRANT GLOBE FOR THANKSGIVING

US President Donald Trump is giving an interview to journalists. Russian President Vladimir Putin is participating via video link.

TRUMP:

— Gentlemen! The time to act is now. Greenland is, historically, American land. The Danes populated it with God-knows-who. Inuits? Give me a break — they’re just Jesuits in disguise, sent by the Vatican! Cunning schemers. Pests and saboteurs.

First of all: what did they do with that beautiful green grass that gave the island its name? They ate it. And not just the grass. Just look: a year ago, I measured this territory on the map — according to Mercator, Greenland was twice as large! They’ve eaten half the island!

Nоt оnly did they frееze the whоle cоuntry and cоvеr it in a glаciеr — they’re chiрping оff сhunks of icе and thrоwing them into their whiskеy! It’s sеlf-dеstructiоn! They’ve dеvоured their еntire dеfеnse sеctor, tоo — the Grееnlandic аrmy is dоwn to two dоg slеds! It’s a crimе аgainst humаnity... or rаther, аgainst dоg...mаnity. Or sоmething.

As the Great Protector of nature and animals, I cannot allow this. I am declaring 2026 the Year of the Great Annexations. Let’s make Greenland green again! MGGA!

Gentlemen, Greenland will be ours! We are entering the highest stage of geopolitical piracy: MAGGGA!

MAKE AMERICA GREAT,
GREENLAND GREEN — AGAIN !

We’ll turn Greenland into a lush green golf course. And America will be swimming in green dollars. Win-win.

Greenlanders! Think long and hard. Either you come into my arms out of love — and then every one of you gets a red cap with the MAGGGA logo — or I’ll melt every bit of your ice with a gas torch. One way or another, you’re drifting my way. Whether on your pathetic little boats or on the very last ice floe.

But when you come begging for asylum, I’ll put you all in detention. Everyone must first prove they aren’t a foreign agent of Denmark or the Vatican. And you’ll take the oath and get a brand of my portrait on your left shoulder blade.

MAGGGA! Hooray!
May there always be the States,
May there always be the grass,
May there always be the sun,
May there always be Trump!

PUTIN (via video link):

— Donnie! Come here, let me give you a hug! You are my most diligent student. You’ve mastered my lessons at 200%. Your lightning-fast seizure of Venezuelan oil — I mean, of the dictator Maduro — is the highest manifestation of strategic genius. That Maduro is quite the fascist, even worse than Zelensky. Oil ruined him. Oil and power — that’s what spoils people. You did the right thing by kicking him off his throne. And look how all that riff-raff respected you instantly. Even that worthless woman Machado suddenly wants to give you her Nobel Prize.

But those dry old geezers in Oslo! They decided to "cancel" the market economy. Bullshit! There is supply, there is demand — there is a deal. The secondary market has always been, is, and will be. Nobody canceled the black market either. So, Donnie, when you buy your Nobel, let me know — we’ll toast to your new title.

And when they announce your impeachment, move to Russia under our "Citizenship in Exchange for Traditional Nonsense"... sorry, I meant "Traditional Values" program. And bring the Top 10 Pentagon secrets with you.

Don’t worry — I won’t settle you next to Yanukovych. I’ll make you my First Advisor on Ukraine. All these Patrushevs, Shoigus, Gerasimovs, Dugins — they’re just incompetent thieves. They can’t stop themselves: cash, cash, cash. You’re not like that, Donnie; you’re a man of action. You don’t chase the money — you’ve got plenty of your own.

Together, Donnie, we’ll bend this damn Ukraine into a ram’s horn. I’ll get my glory, you’ll get the rare earth metals. Then it’ll be Moldova, Georgia, Armenia, and Kazakhstan. We won’t be left without work. This isn’t about the greatness of America or Russia. This is about the role of the individual in history.

Imagine you’re standing before the globe as if it were a fat, fragrant Thanksgiving turkey. And in your hands, you hold a sharp blade. You and I, like two evil geniuses, are writing history, Donnie. In blood. As befits Great Creators.