Guardian Angel. 2. 11. I am you

"A GUARDIAN ANGEL"
a mistical novel
by Alexandra Kryuchkova

PART II. A DREAMS TRAP

2.11. I AM YOU…

January 1989, Moscow

Dreams and reality merged into one. I suffered from nightmares in which death in the form of the Mist absorbed all who were dear to me. I didn’t want anyone’s death. But I felt already that my mother’s sister would die soon, and after her — all the others. So I was terribly afraid of my dreams, and, as a consequence, I was afraid to fall asleep, to see what I categorically didn’t want to see. Trying to protect me, my Subconscious, sent me insomnia, for many nights until morning I sat with the lights on at the table by the window. However, at nightfall, something constantly happened in the flat, the doors opened spontaneously, the lamps and the stove in the kitchen turned on and off, water flew from the tap, the floorboards of the old parquet creaked, icons fell down from the walls, things disappeared, mirrors cracked… I didn’t know what to do. My only desire was to fall asleep, like my mother, in order to wake up There and never come back.

Morning was coming soon. I sat at my table writing a letter to my mother with a request to take me to her place. Suddenly, a voice was heard, «Come with me, Alice! Close your eyes, let’s go!»

«Mammy?» I tried to find her with my eyes, but in vain.

«Follow me, don’t be afraid!» repeated the voice, and…

I instantly found myself in the Cosmos, in a black void, or rather, surrounded by stars and planets, like in a planetarium. Earth was a small ball on the lower right. There was no one around.

«You are not alone, Alice. I brought you to this place because it’s easier here to talk about things that most likely you’ll forget when you return to Earth, but sooner or later you’ll definitely remember.»

«Where are we?»

«Don’t you see?» the voice laughed. «In the Universe! In the place that belongs to Eternity. On the roof of the world. Here is the invisible Book. It contains everything about absolutely everyone who has ever been, is and will be.»

«Also about me?»

«Yes. This Book is always open. You can read it. But not everyone has access to it.»

«I don’t have access. I don’t see this Book. So I can’t read it.»

«You’re wrong, Alice.»

A huge ghostly Book immediately appeared right in the background of the Universe. Its contours seemed to be drawn by Mr. Mist. The Book opened, the pages were slowly turning before my eyes.

«Alice, you’ve been in a state in which the Door to This World opens.»

«To the World of Mist?»

«Okay, let’s call it so. You’ve come back, convinced by your own experience that the World of Mist exists and can be visited. You know that your earthly body is just a house. You saw it from the outside when you came out of it. You are not the house itself. You temporarily settled in the house. Ordinary children come to this World in their dreams, when they are still very young, but gradually, as they grow up, they forget where they came from to Earth and begin to think that they and their bodies are one and the same. The door closes, people grow old, and only at the moment of death of the earthly body they return here and remember everything. Adults tell children fairy tales that ghosts don’t exist, the World of Mist is unreal and is only a figment of their imagination. That’s why ordinary children at your age have neither their own experience nor reliable information from adults. They don’t know about the existence of the Door between the Worlds. The opportunity to get here and read the Book is minimal for them. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary children is that ordinary ones think, «It can’t be, because it doesn’t happen on Earth’, while extraordinary ones know, «Nothing is impossible’, because this is the law of the World of Mist, and it’s more important than the laws of Earth. Extraordinary children grow up and become wizards. Penetrating into This World, for example, in a dream, they can see the Future and control it.»

«I can’t.»

«You’ll definitely learn.»

«Why is sleep like death?»

«Sleep is a temporary return to yourself. You leave your earthly house, the body, in order to remember your real Self, out-of-body one, during sleep. When a person leaves the body forever (dies for earthly reality), he returns to his real home, becomes himself. In this sense, sleep is really like death. The difference is that during sleep, the connection between you and your earthly house, similar to a thin thread along which you return back, is kept and at the moment of death the thread tears up. But sleep is also a conversation with yourself, with the second part of you, who is both in the World of Mist and on Earth and reading the Book, which is constantly being written about everything and everyone. If during sleep you realize that you are sleeping on Earth, and find your Self in the World of Mist, you’ll control your dream, both parts of you will be connected into a single whole, and you’ll be able to work miracles. But if you don’t realize that you are sleeping, your second Self, trying to talk to you about something important, shows images, pictures that you should understand, decipher. People often make mistakes misinterpreting what they see. But no dream books will help: the language of communication with the second Self is unique, everyone has their own. The second Self protects you not only in sleep, but also in reality. Listen to your Self more often. People call its voice intuition, premonition, someone is more accustomed to imagine it as a Guardian Angel. It will send you various signs in the form of accidental, at first glance, earthly books that come across to you and have the necessary information; by bumping into people important to you or in some other way. You have to be very attentive to accidents.»

«Is it possible to visit the World of Mist in a dream with someone else alive?»

«Once you’ll do it with your French grandmother. You won’t agree in advance, but you’ll find yourself in the same dream, see each other and share your impressions of that joint trip in the morning. But most importantly, Alice, you can read the Book! The Past is written down with a pen, it’s almost impossible to make corrections to it. And what hasn’t yet happened is usually written in pencil. There are almost always several options for the Future, but when you get to the pages of the Book, you’ll find only the most probable one at the time you read it. In most cases, it can be changed. You’ll learn to erase the unwanted Future with an eraser and rewrite it.»

«Is it possible to see the options that didn’t happen, but were possible in the Past?»

«Yes, but they are completely faded, lifeless.»

«How is this World organized? Do only good creatures live here?»

«It’s much more complicated than the earthly world! It has many floors or levels with its inhabitants. Both good and evil. It’s dangerous to get to the lower floors. When you come here, remember that you are asleep on Earth, walking here, but you can influence events and come back at any moment on your own will. Then no ghost can harm you.»

«I don’t want to come back from sleep! I know there are people who sleep for a long, long time, more than one night.»

«It’s dangerous, Alice. They are in a lethargic sleep. Wandering in the World of Mist, they don’t want or cannot return. They got lost, or they are not allowed back for some reason. But everyone must live until the hour of their return.»

«Is that what the Book says?»

«This is one of the laws of the World of Mist. There are people who feel their time to leave, and, being magicians, don’t wait for the body to get sick and die, they leave during sleep. They fall asleep on Earth and wake up here, after that the heartbeat in the earthly body stops. Doctors state it as death in sleep.»

«How can I know whether I’m sleeping on Earth or it’s happening to me in reality?»

«Feel it. There are many ways. Try to find a mirror and look into it. Try to pass through a wall, turn the light on and off, change objects with the power of your mind. Find your earthly body, look at it from the outside.»

«What language is the Book written in?»

«In the World of Mist, there are no languages except the language of thought. You and I communicate mentally, not by uttering words. Ask the Book a question and it’ll answer you. Most people see images or pictures like in a movie, more often in sleep. Sometimes they hear the answer inside. Less often, they don’t see or hear anything, but just know. Some people receive an answer in any way. You see dreams now.»

«What if a person doesn’t dream while sleeping?»

«Almost everyone does, but not everyone remembers.»

«Why do I see only the dreams that come true?»

«You’ve learned to distinguish true dreams from empty ones and you don’t bring the unimportant to the level of Consciousness. But gradually, you’ll learn to know even without dreams.»

«How is that?»

«You can read the Book during the daytime. For example, when you get tired of listening to the teacher at school, and, immersed into your own thoughts, you don’t notice what is happening around you. Or when you play the barely perceptible Music of the World of Mist on the piano, instead of some earthly music by notes. Or when verses come to you. They come to you from here, Alice. At such moments, the Door between the Worlds opens a little. You are both here and there at the same time. You can see with both earthly eyes and those you see with while sleeping. But the Door instantly slams shut as soon as, for example, the teacher makes a remark to you and you get back into what he’s saying in class.»

«It’s too complicated.»

«Someday you’ll understand. And you’ll write your book for people who haven’t yet remembered everything on Earth.»

«Mammy, but you said that I shouldn’t write.»

«Alice, I’m not your mother.»

«Who are you?»

«I am you.»

«Me?!»

«I came to you now from January 2009. I’m you in twenty years. Someday, when life once again puts you in a difficult situation and you don’t understand why you are still on Earth, you’ll be introduced to a Teacher. At one of the lessons, she’ll ask the students to return to their Past, at the most difficult moment, in order to support themselves in it. I know how you feel now. Your life won’t be easy at all, but you’ll continue to follow the Path intended from Above to leave your mark on the Earth. You are not Tsvetaeva or Akhmatova, but they’ll help you. And your mother will be proud of you. You’ll see!»


***
October 2012 — September 2013,
Moscow — Athos — Elabuga — Varna — London


After winning on the TV channel «Culture» poetry program, where I had got thanks to E.B. Rein, the director of «ARTIST-TV» called me. In autumn, we filmed twenty programs of the «New Faces of Modern Literature» series, in which I was a presenter. In January 2013, a film about me would be released. I would talk about my Path, starting from my black childhood.

In October 2012, while relaxing in Greece on the border with Orthodox Athos, I entered a small shop with icons painted by Athos monks. I was drawn to the icon in the far corner, I hadn’t seen anything like that before — an unknown Saint with an ax in one hand and with a devil in the other.

«It’s an icon of St. Marina, painted by a monk from St. Anna’s skete.»

I immediately remembered the title of my book «Marina. Anna. Alexandra», but how could I explain our mystical interconnection to the Greeks?

I took a boat tour along Mount Athos, passing by the monasteries. The guide told the story of the unique Orthodox state. Photographing the Holy Mountain, I suddenly saw a cloud above it taking the image of St. George the Victorious, on a horse, with a pronounced spear and a defeated dragon. A real miracle! Everyone who would see the picture later would have the same reaction.

I returned to Moscow and received as a gift a silver pendant of St. George with a prayer to him on the back. After some time, a familiar poet came to visit me, noticed my book about Another Reality, took it in hands, read a fragment and exclaimed, «I have a daughter, her name is Alice! Alexandra and Alice are one and the same, do you know?»

«What do you mean?» I was surprised.

«The tsarina Alexandra was Alice actually!»

The poet told me about the connection between the two names, but I had to find it on the Internet myself, perhaps at least something would become clear in the mysterious chain of signs.

To begin with, I found out which Alexandra of several Saints of the same name was my patroness, determined by the date of birth. That was St. Alexandra of Rome, and it meant that my name day was May 6… Stop! Wow!!! I clearly remembered that date as the day of St. George the Victorious. Was it a coincidence? So I read about St. George.

«The great martyr George was born in Beirut at the foot of the Lebanese mountains. Having entered the military service and reached the rank of commander, he became the favorite of the Emperor Diocletian. Diocletian went down in history as one of the cruelest persecutors of Christians. George came to Diocletian and, declaring himself a Christian, accused the Emperor of cruelty and injustice. For refusing to renounce Christ, Diocletian ordered to subject George to various torments, but he bravely endured the suffering. Then Diocletian ordered to cut George’s head. It happened in Nicomedia on April 23, 303, according to the old style calendar, or May 06 according to the new one.»

Then I read about St. Alexandra of Rome.

«Saint Alexandra, Empress, wife of Emperor Diocletian, was a secret Christian. Seeing the firmness of George’s faith during the torment, she fell at his feet and declared herself a Christian in front of everyone. Embittered, Diocletian sentenced the Empress to death. St. Alexandra courageously accepted the sentence and meekly went to the place of execution, turning her gaze to Heaven with a prayer. Tired on the way, she asked the soldiers to let her rest for a while. Leaning against the wall of a building, she died quietly. The memory of St. Alexandra, the Martyr of Rome (Nicomedia), is celebrated simultaneously with the Great Martyr St. George on May 06 (April 23, old style).»

Suddenly, I heard the lines of a poem, and a dog appeared out of nowhere on my internal screen. A huge dog. A wave of panic fear covered me from the head to toe. I wasn’t going to die at all! Neither to emigrate to Italy! «Woland, the Man in White, where the hell are you? Why did I buy then the icon of St. George, and not any other Saint, for you? When can I finally hand it to you? Who are you?»

That time I didn’t send him New Year’s greetings, but somewhere around midnight a message with greetings came from him. Had he finally saved my phone number? «Why, Alice, you didn’t write back what you want to say, and instantly, without hesitation, sent a standard New Year’s greeting? He is not some other man. You need him for some reason. He has become a part of you. Why do you keep postponing the most important words for later? What are you afraid of? Of losing him? But does he belong to you? Can you lose what you don’t have?»

In January 2013, I was awarded the statuette «Golden Feather» as a winner of the competition «The Best Poets and Writers» 2012, and the Silver Cross for the «Best Book of the Year». In February, I won «The Hero of Our Time» competition with the book «Marina. Anna. Alexandra» and was awarded the medal of Lermontov. On February 23, having forced myself out «art is eternal, but life is short», I send him a message, but it remained unanswered.

I celebrated my birthday in snowy April in Elabuga. Already understanding the celestial pattern a bit, I had shifted the planets for my «new» year, that started on my birthday, in order to change another extremely unfavorable situation for me with the words, «I crashed in an accident on Akhmatova’s birthday, but was saved by her and Blok. Now Marina will help me.»

Immediately after Elabuga, I flew to London for the international book fair as the head of the delegation of the Union of Writers. Getting to the magical platform 9 and 3/4 on the eve of the book fair, I bought a magical artifact, the Time Turner. I turned the clock for three years back to meet the Man in White again in order to complete the chain of events. However, an unfinished chain of a deeper time manifested in my life. I overdid it in the Time Turner rotation.

Since May 2013, I had been actively invited to the jury of various competitions. On Victory Day, I was in the Southwestern Administrative District with T. Aksyonova, with whom we would be judged at the «King of Poets» tournament two weeks later. In summer, I would be on the jury of the competition «Slavyansky spring», in August — at the festival in Varna «Russia-Bulgaria. I love this world», in September — of the creative competition in local history of one of the Moscow districts, and after that — of international competition in Germany.

In May, I was unexpectedly announced as a finalist of the «Heritage» competition by the Imperial House of Romanovs. And a little later, on May 23, against all the odds, I was awarded «the Queen of Poets» title as the winner at the «King of Poets» competition, based on the results of the voting of the hall and the jury. The same competition had been held in the Silver Age. Igor Severyanin had been crowned then.

I wrote to my friends and acquaintances about such an unexpected victory, and they congratulated me in return, except for the Man in White.

«He doesn’t care about you, Alice, from his heights. And you still can’t get over it!»

In June, for the first time, I was invited on the radio «Russian World», which broadcast to fifty countries around the world. My book about Another Reality was published for the third time, as well as a collection of stories «Do you believe in ghosts?» and «Leaving traces with verses», with almost all the poems survived.

In summer, according to the astrological forecast, I hovered over a huge abyss and began writing «A Guardian Angel». The Man in White never appeared in the story, while being almost the main character, my Guardian Angel. I constantly thought about him admiring his picture, once found on the Internet.

«No, Alice. Of course, he forgot about you a hundred times. He has his own life, and you have yours. Your Venetian dream has neither sense nor any relation to reality. This story is just a figment of your imagination. The Man in White is a dream only. You’ll forget him, as well as he has forgotten you. You have a lot of fans. And if Alice is destined to be buried in Venice, there will be a lot of people lined up for the role of the Man in Black.»

I delved into the study of celestial bodies, looked through my past years checking the real events with the interpretations of planets and stars, everything matched, the system worked. So I re-read my Natal chart (or so-called by astrologers, Heavenly passport), and it caught my eye, «In eight out of ten cases, such people end their lives on their own and ahead of schedule.»

In August, Olga, I and a few other people went to Bulgaria as organizers of the international children’s festival «Russia-Bulgaria. I love this world!». One evening we were sitting with Olga in a coffeehouse, and she suddenly asked, «Alice, how is your Devil doing there?»

«I don’t know,» I shrugged my shoulders.

«Listen, let’s call him!»

«What for?» just the thought that his voice would suddenly be heard there made me shudder.

«We’ll invite him to your literary party! Let’s say, the Union of Writers invites you, dear Mr. Woland, to the party of the Queen of Poets.»

«I don’t have any party.»

«Well,» Olga continued enthusiastically, «we’d better call him from the Ministry of Culture!»

«Call him directly from the President. For his sake, maybe he’ll come.»

It rained throughout September. In an absolutely mystical way, I recorded the third disc with my songs «The City of Rains», the first time singing without any notes, as God sent to my soul. Most of the poems that suddenly became songs were dedicated to the Man in White.

I wanted to see him in reality. No, he couldn’t be just a dream! In any case, I had nothing to fear. It was a pity, I didn’t know his astrological coordinates to prove to myself by the stars that my fear had no reason. And, once again closing my eyes and stepping towards fear, I wrote into the void that I had dedicated to him my novel «A Guardian Angel».

«Think of something…»

In September, I visited R.A. Mansurova’s seminar, gave her my «Guardian Angel», just published, and told the seminarians that after meeting with RAM in February 2009, I had been picked up by the Flow and carried away to where I had never expected to be. Raisa Akhmetovna shared with the seminarians her memories of my astral journey to the Library of the Universe, where I had met the poets of the Silver Age, and Marina, saying goodbye to me, had added, «Live, Alice! For all of us! Live!» For the first time, at leaving the seminar, I didn’t ask the Teacher to say what she saw about my Future, because I was scared of it.

The consequences
have been conceived,
they flow like a river.
I’m waving
my hand at death, chats, curses,
waiting for the flight, —
all paths are trodden,
through the rain in blizzards.
Storm Europes!
I’ve captured them at once.
Uranus is for me!
Go in the planet orbits! —
I’m beyond the maps,
since February exchanged its coins,
nodding towards next March…
Mark sleeps, still unaware,
through the dreams
I will return,
an earthly hostage
of his spring…