Guardian Angel. 2. 14. Step forward

"A GUARDIAN ANGEL"
a mistical novel
by Alexandra Kryuchkova

PART II. A DREAMS TRAP

2.14. A STEP FORWARD

night from 13 to 14 October, Moscow

Music slowly plunged me into a state of semi-sleep, and I was already here and there at the same time. I carefully stepped on a ghostly thin thread stretched over the abyss. To my left and right, there were towering black mountains. A bloody sunset. The Sun, no longer visible, disappeared behind the mountains somewhere on the left. I walked towards the monastery located on the highest mountain. The only way to get to it was to walk over the abyss along the thin thread. I raised my head and saw a man walking towards me. He was all in white. I was in a black long dress. We met at the very center of the bottomless abyss. He held out his hand to me. I gently placed my palm on it. And we started dancing a beautiful, but unknown dance to me, on the thin thread above the abyss. When the music ended, he took me in his arms and carried me somewhere far away, beyond the mountains, into the sunset. I didn’t see his face.

***

Morning. We were lying on a glade in the mountains. I was in black. He was in white. And we looked at the sky. I was calm and happy next to him. There were monks around us chanting mantras.

«Let’s go. I’ll show you the monastery where I lived while writing the Book of Knowledge.»

We entered the monastery garden. I first came there during a meditation at Mansurova’s seminar. And since then I always came back there listening to the music of the seminar. We turned left into the book depository and I showed him my book about Another Reality on the shelf among other books. We entered the secret room, behind a dark curtain, where a silvery light was pouring in from somewhere above, from the center of the Universe. We stood under it. I was already in a white dress. Twelve monks went around us clockwise, singing the chant, and disappeared.

«Do you want me to show you how this world works?»

We went up along the silvery Flow and found ourselves in the Universe with twinkling stars and planets that seemed tiny. We walked into the distance, I talked about the Book, which contained everything about everything and everyone.

«I don’t see it,» he smiled. «Where is it?»

«Everywhere!» I laughed. «And you can read it!»

«How to read it?»

«Write your question mentally right in the sky, and the answer will appear immediately. Or ask a question silently, and you’ll hear the answer inside yourself.»

We moved on. I showed those huge monks, Guardians of the Earth, and the Zodiacal Clock, painted with a misty haze, in which the planets were rotating slowly.

In the distance, the outlines of my heavenly house, the Temple of the Soul, appeared. We entered it. He looked around. I led him to the Library of the Universe. On one of the shelves, I found and showed him my books, then offered to choose at random any book from the Library. He went to the far corner of the hall, where once, having climbed the ladder, I had pulled out from the very top shelf the book with the title «WORD». He pulled out another book and handed it to me. It was titled «WE», and we began leafing through the book, but couldn’t read the text — the dazzling sunlight was pouring on us from its pages. He took my hand, we took a step inside the book and disappeared into it. Too bad, I couldn’t see his face.

Evening. We returned to the monastery on the mountain. The monks were setting up a ghostly table. And just as ghostly figures appeared from afar. I saw my parents and many, many faces unknown to me. My parents came up to us and said hello. I suddenly noticed Marina and stepped towards her. «You need him!» she said to me and sat down at the table, at which all the guests had already gathered. Our dinner went on for a long, long time until the night.

Monks made a fire. There were still twelve of them there. I was already dancing in the center in my white dress. The monks went around me in a circle, singing something and beating their ritual drums. I invited that man to dance with me, and we danced together. Then my parents joined us, and gradually everyone else. It made me feel calm and good to realize: he was nearby. However, I couldn’t see his face.

***

The music changed. It got heavy. I walked along the narrow edge of a piece of land a millimeter away from the bottomless abyss. There were the mountains on the left and the abyss on the right. I was in a black dress. Finally, I reached a plain and stepped on the ground. The abyss was left behind, but my strength left me. I fell on my back and looked into the black sky above.

Suddenly, I heard a dog barking. I could hardly lift my head off the ground. I saw a huge dog. It rushed straight at me at breakneck speed, barking so loudly that the sky shuddered and a few stars broke loose and fell down. I was scared. The dog was rapidly approaching me and about to pounce, to tear me to pieces! But I had no strength to get up. I looked from the side at my body, motionlessly sprawled on the ground. The dog jumped on it and… I closed my eyes. The barking stopped… I was scared, but I had to face the truth. So I opened my eyes and saw the dog licking my face and neck. The dog whined pitifully and tried with the nose to lift my head, as if begging, «Get up, Alice, get up, please! Come on, come back!»

I made an incredible effort on myself and returned to the body. I slowly opened my eyes. The dog was wagging its tail, as if smiling, and poking its nose into my neck to lift my head up. Then the dog pushed me in the back. I sat down. A ghostly carriage appeared. I got inside. The dog jumped towards me. And they took us away somewhere.

***

I was all alone in that black bottomless space, surrounded only by distant ghostly stars. I was in a dark blue long dress with black frills, the kind worn in the Silver Age. I heard a deep and chilling sound of Eternity. It lasted too long, passing through me as a deafening flow of energy. I was scared. There was no one, no one at all around me, but the stars. Suddenly, the Man in Black appeared from the left. He took my hand. It must be Pluto, Lord of the Kingdom of the Dead. Marina was approaching me from the distance. They slowly took me away into the black abyss of Eternity. Forever…

***

I opened my eyes. What time was it? I had been there for about three hours! I wanted only the puzzle never put together by me, with a few pieces missing, to finally fit together, otherwise I would go crazy. I tried to decipher the pictures shown to me, to link them together, but didn’t succeed. My head was splitting. I wanted to fall asleep, not wake up for a long, long time and not see any more dreams, plunging into absolute oblivion. But before falling asleep, I took out my Tarot deck, mentally asked to show me the Future and pulled out three cards. I slowly turned them from left to right, one by one. They were «DEATH», «The SUN», «LOVE». Death of the Sun because of Love? Or would it be Death first, and the Sun and Love after it? Well, I was too exhausted to decipher anything. I would think about it the next morning…

***

It was an early-early morning. The Sun had just risen. The city hadn’t woken up yet. Crowds of tourists hadn’t flooded the cathedral square yet. It was very quiet. Only barely audible bursts of waves at the pier were heard. We came to the water. There were many boats there and only one boatman, with whom he had agreed the day before. The boatman silently greeted us with a nod of his head. They stepped into the boat, and it slowly sailed away from the shore. The sea was light green-blue. I loved the sea. And that City-on-the-Water was my favorite city in the world. In the distance, I saw the outlines of an island with a bell tower and a cathedral. The island of St. George in the misty haze. I had never been to it, but I knew, that the Man had asked the boatman to stop there first and afterwards they would sail to the left, to the final destination. The boat was sailing further and further.

The silent gloomy boatman and he, in black clothes, with gray, almost white hair. Like a rock, he stood with his back to me at the backside of the boat, looking into the distance, at that island… I felt an extraordinary lightness of liberation, although almost nothing had changed. Except for the fact that I hadn’t known to walk on water like that before. And yet, for some reason, I couldn’t understand how I had ended up there. What date was that? Month? Year?

I remembered well who I was and everything that had happened to me once. But I couldn’t remember my «yesterday», «the day before yesterday». What had happened? Why was there no one else? And there was nothing else — neither wreaths, nor flowers, just me and them. Perhaps, I was scared to remember all that. San Marco was already left far away…

But he didn’t hear me… He didn’t hear… He didn’t…

I followed the boat with them and my own body. I wondered whether they would throw it into the water, scatter it in the wind, or take it to the cemetery. Was my body in a bag, or in a coffin, or were there my ashes in an urn? I didn’t care, of course, but I was just a bit curious. I tried to look inside the boat, in vain. Perhaps I was afraid to look at myself from the outside. So I looked at him, that Man in Black, with gray, almost white hair. I wanted so much to hug him in an earthly way, with my hands… And I shouted with all my might, «Turn around! Please! I’m here!!! I’m alive!!!»

But he didn’t hear me… He didn’t hear… He didn’t…

We were approaching that island, when… I got the insight, «My God, this is the very same dream! Finally, I’ve got into it again!» I breathed a sigh of relief. That time I would definitely watch it to the end to find out what had happened!

«Please,» I asked the Man in Black, whose face I was afraid to look into, «tell me, why did I die? What from? How did it happen?»

He kept silent. He didn’t hear me. The boat was close to the island of St. George. Suddenly, the familiar trill of my phone was heard. He took it out of his left pocket, and a small piece of paper slipped out. There was a text in Italian written in black pen, «Socrem Venezia Onlus. Canneregio n.5289, 30131 Venezia.» I wondered what that address was.

He answered the phone with a steely voice, «She died two days ago. In her sleep. Today is the funeral. No, not in Moscow, in Venice.»

I wanted to know who called me, but the Man in Black had already dropped the call. I noticed the low battery icon flashing in the upper right corner of my phone. But I felt so easy and joyful! In a sleep! I had died while sleeping! I threw myself on his neck and, hugging him, shouted, «You didn’t kill me! You are not a murderer!»

The boat reached the island of St. George. The Mist was slowly dissipating. So I could wake up, there was nothing more to be afraid of. I had learned enough!


***


At the same time, from the overflowing happiness of my soul, I got an irresistible desire to share the disclosure of the truth with Vadim. Right then, immediately! I instantly imagined myself in his room and got there. Vadim was asleep.

«Vadim! Vadim! Where are you?» I shouted into space, calling out to his soul, the astral body.

He appeared at the door, surprised, «Alice?»

«Vadim! I know how I died!»

Vadim sat down on the bed next to his physical body, visualized a ghostly cigarette, lit it up, and asked, «Did he kill you?»

«I died in my sleep!»

«Was it worth it?»

«What do you mean?»

«The price of such knowledge.»

«What are you talking about?» I sat down next to Vadim.

«You died, Alice.»

«Yes, while sleeping,» I agreed. «And now everything will be fine! I’ve defeated my fear!»

«How is it There, in the Other World?»

«In terms of?»

«How are you now? How do you feel?»

«How can I know what it feels like in the Other World, if I’m still in the real one?»

«Don’t you really understand what I mean?» Vadim asked sadly, looking at me point-blank.

«What do you mean?» I asked back, smiling.

«You died. Two days ago. In Venice. Today is your funeral.»

«Are you crazy? I’m sleeping. It’s a dream! And you are sleeping, too,» I said, nodding at his sleeping body.

«I’m sleeping, Alice, yes. But you are not.»

«Why not?»

«Because you are dead.»

«Did you get drunk yesterday after our conversation?»

«Yes, I did, yesterday. But not after our conversation. We commemorated you in the basement of the Central House of Writers!»

«Come on, Vadim! Yesterday you met with me in the coffeehouse! We discussed my Venetian dream. You told me to look at the stars of the Man in White.»

«Alice, what date is it today? Month? Year?»

«Today is the night on October 13 to 14!» I said confidently and even resentfully.

«There is a calendar hanging by the door in the hallway.»

I slowly drifted to the front door and… I couldn’t believe my eyes.

«Vadim! Are you kidding me?»

«Yesterday, «Moscow Writer’, the newspaper, asked me to write a text for your obituary. There’s my laptop on the table. I forgot to turn it off. Look, on the screen, there’s a famous literary website. The announcement of your death has already been posted there!»

I went to the table and read that… Suddenly, it occurred to me, «I get it! Oh, you’ve even scared me!»

«What do you get?»

«You and I are sleeping. We are in the same dream about the Future! This event hasn’t yet happened in reality, but we ended up together in the Future. In that date! Ugh! What a night!»

«I’ll agree with you if…»

«If what?» I repeated enthusiastically.

«…if you wake up now and call me. My phone is on. I’d be happy to wake up from your call.»

«Okay!» I agreed happily.

I appeared in my flat. It was dawn. I went into the bedroom, looked at my bed and… in an instant, found myself back in Vadim’s room, «Where did I fall asleep tonight?»

He started smoking again, «In Venice.»

«No, no! NO! It’s impossible! Tell me it’s not true!»

«It’s true, Alice. I would pay much for it to be a lie!»

I sat down next to him. Perhaps, I just couldn’t return to my October 13th, or rather, already 14th. Apparently, I hadn’t learned yet everything about my potential death in the Future, having connected to which, I got stuck in.

«How did it happen?» I asked.

«You went to Venice. With a man. Honestly, I don’t know with which one. Perhaps, in order to dot all the «and’, to overcome your fear, to prove to yourself that dreams are deceptive. You asked me to call you every day, in the morning and in the evening, to check if you were safe and sound. The day before yesterday, somewhere in the afternoon, he answered your phone.»

«He said that I had died in my sleep, didn’t he?»

«Correct. He told me that the funeral would be this morning. But I have an expired passport. Are you sure that you died while sleeping?»

«Why do you ask?»

«Could he admit that he had murdered you? Have you seen your body, there, in the boat? What is it in? In a coffin, in a bag?»

«I haven’t. I’ve never looked at it!» I exclaimed, and a wave of fear engulfed me. «Don’t wake up yet, wait! I’ll be back in a flash!»

I found myself at my body in the boat. The Man in Black was waiting for someone at the door of St. George’s Cathedral. I was scared to look at my body, but I had to defeat my fear, and…

I reappeared in Vadim’s room.

«In a coffin under the lid, I don’t see the body!»

«Alice, do you really not remember anything since October 14th?»

«I don’t remember, honestly,» I confessed, and a thought flashed in my mind, that, apparently, only Nona was able to help me now. No wonder she had won the Battle of psychics on TV!

I appeared in her apartment. Nona was already awake drinking tea.

«Nona, hello! Just don’t be afraid of me, please,» I said softly, standing behind her.

She turned around. She didn’t see me, but heard my words, «Alice?»

«A strange story happened to me. They are burying me in Venice. Probably, I was murdered there.»

«You? Murdered? In Venice?» Nona pondered for a moment, and then said in surprise, «You are being buried in Venice, but it’s nonsense! You are sleeping!»

«Are you sure?!»

«Of course, you are asleep! I feel you alive here. Nobody has murdered you yet! Your physical body isn’t damaged. But for some reason, your funeral in Venice is also true. How can this be?!»

I retold her the details of my puzzle.

«Ah, I get it, Alice! In that scenario, you are really asleep! But if they arrange a funeral mass for you now in St. George, you won’t able to go back!»

I understood nothing.

«Alice, tell me the phone number of that Man! I’ll call him and explain everything. The most important thing is to reach him before the funeral mass!»

«I don’t know his number! Dial mine, he answers the calls!»

«Hello,» we heard a male voice and… it was followed by, «Sorry, the connection failed. The subscriber is temporarily unavailable.»

«My phone is discharged!» I whispered helplessly and instantly found myself at the Cathedral of St. George.

Someone came up to the Man in Black and said that they would open the cathedral, but having consulted, they decided not to serve a funeral mass, since I wasn’t a Catholic. Anyway, he could pray for me to St. George. I sighed with relief and mentally thanked Providence. What a blessing I hadn’t chosen Catholicism in my childhood!

I returned to Nona, «Hooray! They refused a funeral mass to me!»

«Thank God!» she sighed in relief. «Now wake up!»

I found myself at my body. The boat was slowly rocking on the water. I tried to imagine myself already inside my body, but in vain. I couldn’t. I returned to Nona breathing heavily behind her back.

«Alice, is that you again?»

«Nona, I can’t.»

«What do you mean, you can’t?!» she exclaimed, jumping up from her chair and turning to face me. «You’ve been able to do it for so many nights before! Is it the first time you’re coming back from your dream?»

I sighed heavily. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go back.

«By the way, where are they sailing you to?» Nona asked. «To the cemetery? How much time does it take them to get there?»

Suddenly, I remembered that small piece of paper slipping out of the pocket of the Man in Black and asked Nona, «Look on the Internet, Socrem Venezia Onlus, Canneregio n.5289, 30131 Venezia. What’s it?»

Nona typed the address in the search engine and ended up on an Italian website, «It’s you who know Italian, so read it!»

I glanced through the text, «It’s crematorium…»

«He’s going to burn you alive!» Nona screamed. «Wake up immediately!»

I instantly found myself in Venice. The Man in Black left St. George’s Cathedral and got onto the boat. It sailed off to the left. I tried in vain to get back. It was as if something didn’t let me inside. I rushed to the Man and shouted, «Please!!! Hear me!!! Don’t kill me! Please! I’m alive! Stop! Please! You are not a killer!» But he didn’t hear me. He didn’t.

I sank to the edge of the boat in helplessness. We reached the final destination. A man came out of the crematorium building. They spoke English. The coffin was placed on a bench and the lid was removed.

«It’s time for goodbye,» the crematorium employee said to the Man in Black and walked away. I was standing by. The Man in Black silently looked at my body, and I hated to believe all that was not just an ordinary dream.

Someone touched my hand. I turned around and saw…

«Mammy!» I threw myself into her arms. For so many years, I hadn’t seen her even in the Dreamland! I was so glad to see her that moment there! Finally, we met to never part again! Never!

The Mist, already gone, was slowly returning. It was enveloping everything around. I realized, that time I would remain in its world, in the World of Mist.

«Alice,» my mother said sadly. «You have the right to choose.»

«No, mom! No!»

«You can return.»

«But I… don’t want to return! I DON’T WANT! I DON’T!» I suddenly shouted and realized, it was my own, subconscious unwillingness to return, that didn’t let me go back. «Mom, I left my mark on the Earth, I can leave now! To get free! This death in a sleep is such an easy one! And he… I don’t know him. Who is he? I’m scared! I’m scared of what will happen if I return. What will happen next? I don’t know him! He… He’ll kill me!»

«Alice, as long as a person has the right to choose, his life on Earth is not over. If you decide not to return now, he’ll really kill you, or rather, not you, your still living body, because you’ll make him a killer, turning into a suicide. I wanted to live very much, Alice, but I left so that you could live. One must follow one’s Path to the end not to be forced to reborn on Earth in order to go through all the same sufferings and lessons that one failed to pass. This will be repeated endlessly, as a nightmare, until one day in the very same situation you won’t make the only right decision! You need to rewrite the script, once and for all, here and now. The Man in Black is your fear of Life! But life is not just the pain of loss. Let yourself not fear the Future, let it please you!»

The Mist was getting closer and closer. My whole life was quickly scrolling before my eyes, like a movie, starting from birth. I was reliving everything I had experienced up, and I suddenly realized that what was happening had already happened to me before. I had already been buried in Venice! Yes, I had been! They had told me that in dreams we were shown our previous funerals! Everything repeated in a circle, birth — death — birth — death. I remembered, «In 8 out of 10 cases, such people end their lives on their own ahead of schedule.» How many times in a row did I live on Earth according to that scenario? Was it my 2nd life or the 8th, or already the 9th?

God, what a long night! I was so tired of the Venetian dream and completely entangled in it! I got confused in Time and Space. What date was it? Month? Year? Where was I really? My thoughts were interrupted by a steely voice, «Close it.»

I was standing between my mother and the Man in Black. However, my mother loved me, and he… I didn’t see his face! In an instant, Mr. Pluto, Lord of the Kingdom of the Dead, and Marina would emerge from the Mist. They would take me by the hands and lead me into Eternity.

Suddenly, I heart a deafening bark. A huge dog jumped out of the Mist and rushed straight at us at breakneck speed. I looked in bewilderment at my mother, who was standing on the left, and at the Man in Black, standing on the right. The dog pounced on my motionless body to tear it to pieces!

«Alice, you don’t have time to think anymore,» my mother said. «You must make a decision right now.»

The barking stopped. I looked at myself from the outside. The dog licked my face and neck, tried with the nose to lift my head up and whined pitifully, as if begging, «Alice, wake up! Come on, get up! Get up!» The Man in Black, mesmerized by what was happening, was watching the dog and my body, but did nothing, as if waiting for something.

For a moment, it seemed to me that time had stopped.

I was scared. What would happen to me next if I returned? I heard the voice of my mother, slowly moving away into the Mist, her words from my distant childhood, forever sounding in my soul like a refrain, «Alice, the best way to drive away fear is to step towards it and make sure that it’s just a figment of your imagination. You must defeat your fear, otherwise one day it will defeat you.»

I closed my eyes stepping towards it and…

I woke up… at home…

October 30, 2013


This spring is the reason to chase chintz around.
Top hits of the season are all in full color!
While devil paints, thudding with hooves in the Cosmos,
a hole which is darker than that of «Black Square».

Not bells, Constellations are ringing in Heaven,
And wine from the clouds is earthly communion!
Soon charmer the Moon will reward at its rising
the one captivated by sunshine illusion.

Cats live broadcasting still vote for mouse.
The bard every April is howling frozen.
We vanished at dawn in exchange for a novel.
Since Moscow dreamed both me and my Woland.