Guardian Angel. 3. 5. The Chamber of secrets

"A GUARDIAN ANGEL"
a mistical novel
by Alexandra Kryuchkova

PART III. 7 SECONDS

3.5. The Chamber of Secrets

19:32:05
the 53rd km of Moscow Ring Road


BOOM!!!


***
Library of the Universe


I was standing at the Window into the World. The car flew off to the left, hitting its right side, and… the picture froze. The Man in black robes with a white collar hugged me, «It was on that 53rd kilometer that you wished yourself death, and it caught up with you today, like that cloud. But you must come back, Alice. Look, you have a silver thread, invisible to the earthly eye, going from your astral body through the Window into the World, and none of us has it.»

I noticed it, barely flickering, it was pulsating intermittently, as if it was about to go out. The Green-eyed woman took me by the hand, «You found the reason, well done, now the most important thing is left, to forgive him. Let’s go!»


***
the Chamber of Secrets


We were quickly sliding along the corridors of the Library and through another door, still unknown to me, we entered the Chamber of Secrets. I looked around. It seemed that there were no walls there, just the boundless space filled with black paint. It looked like a huge ball, inside of which there were no windows, no doors, but a white disk in the center. It was spinning slowly, like a record in an old gramophone. The Green-eyed was holding my hand as if she was afraid that I would disappear. And suddenly, I saw the MWWN. He appeared inside the ball and went towards me. Instinctively, I took a step back, but the woman held my hand tightly and said with motherly tenderness, «You just need to speak your unspoken pain out loud. Don’t be afraid, he won’t hurt you. It’s just his phantom. He is absent here!»

I turned to the Green-eyed and, looking into her eyes, categorically shook my head, begging not to let me go.

«Alice, it’s necessary so as not to get stuck in the Labyrinth!»

In the center of the flat white disk that kept slowly rotating inside the black ball, we were sitting back to back, so as not to see each other. It was easier that way. The spinning disk put me into a state of trance, fragments of the Past came to life as pictures on the black canvas of Eternity…

***

He made a date with me and once again forgot about me, waiting for him there… Then we met on the Old Arbat, and he looked at me from head to toe with a disdainful, arrogant look. I was dressed wrong. Everything about me was wrong. He hurt me every time he disappeared and when he reappeared, he said that I needed to be constantly hurt so that I could keep writing poetry. And he flaunted me, enjoying the knowledge that everything I recited to them was dedicated to him.

I am a meter and a half plus eight centimeters tall,
but listen, I’m taller than the highest
whatever building in the Guinness records book,
more than a city — cities, countries — of the widest —
all parallels, meridians of globe
are only fragments of the streets I have walked here.
I am the waves, the oceans, the seas,
the depths of which you cannot even hear;
A tender flow of the energies non-stop
existing, and conceivable, and other —
Eternity has given me its shawl,
I’m touching it as if it were my mother,
And, dancing with the clouds in the sky,
the April girl, from the unknown regions —
mysterious and Heaven-like — inside
I am a Temple painted by religions!
Beyond the time and boundaries, I am
the music barely perceptible to ear;
the unison of birds, and beasts, and tram.
I can’t be ever earthly measured, dear!
The day, the night, hello and goodbye!
More than one Universe in me is moving, running,
and merging in a whole in my eye,
and all the visible and not — is always shining.
I’ll place the Sun, which is my heart, for luck,
in palms of yours — please, take it, keep with care,
you’ve known Love! All stars in a bouquet
I’ll gather as a gift for you, I’ll dare!
A thousands of candles, and the flame —
eternal light — I am — and more, forever,
the memory of each who lived and failed,
who is alive, who’ll come on Earth, whoever!
The huge collection of the galleries of arts,
like drops of pearls dispersed by God around,
the ether rainbow; the labyrinth of cards;
the last of harbors for the ships; the echo sound;
the library of books as on the shelve,
as those to be published later, though
a human being and a book myself,
I have all that inside, in me alone.
Believe me, in the world under the Moon,
there’s a room for miracles, as well as
you are a miracle yourself! I’m longing for
a flight together into Autumn, but without
rains and false feelings! So take with you
a meter and a half plus eight of it
about…

He interrupted my story about the literary party, cynically asking, «Will you love me until you are sixty?» «Up to sixty?» I asked in surprise. «Can you cut love off like fabric, having planned in advance the day and hour, when you take the scissors in your hand?» So I didn’t answer anything, because he didn’t understand that I loved him not at all with the kind of love to which he got used to… And he again promised to make me the Queen, but after a while he called me and laughed, another young girl had crossed my path like a black cat… I asked, «Have you read my „Book of Knowledge“?» And he said caustically, «There’s nothing worthy to read in it.» He hadn’t read the book, which had already been reprinted three times and sold out all at once again…

Chatting for no cause
is the magpie’s cross.
And the wind has escaped
from the city, it swore.

There’s nothing to do
here more! I will burn
my last candle! — tonight
I’ll take off in the sky!

Right above sleepy streams,
in the network of stars,
I will hang as a half
of the Moon — lemon slice.

All the alphabet signs,
letters, — jump in the net!
Darling, take me at least
as a book by your side.

He called me after reading the poem «Speed» about my future car crash, and, grinning, asked, «So, how was your flight?» I was sitting on the windowsill, being hurt from what I saw in the Future about us. I wrote a message to him, and he answered, «Are you leaving, Alice? So go away!» And then he called me in Venice, where I got lost in the narrow streets in the evening after exhausting working negotiations, and grinned, «Haven’t you gone out the window yet?» Fragments flashed quickly, gradually increasing the speed. I relived them, and the pain overwhelmed my astral body so much that my own voice was drown in it. I couldn’t say anything aloud, even mentally, not a word, not a sound, I became mute, but even if I could, it was useless to say anything to him…

You are an illusion,
my dreams collage,
in the air —
there’s just diffusion of Love vibrations.
You are an emanation,
my mirage
in plus 50, minus 17? 16? —
how much mercury is there,
weather forecasters? —
to take a deep breath…
You are stale slices,
dried rusk,
dots of poison in letters without words,
zero…
What about escaping
from a long distance run
into the snow
falling at a neighboring
stop of the subway?
You are an abstraction
by nervous fingers,
that hide in the canvas the name
hanging and sounding
on a glorious cross
on my shoulder.
You are the one
who creates with my hands.
I embroider — with you! —
manuscripts!
You are everything and nothing at all…
My chinchilla clung to your clothes in hope,
not knowing it was a cool overcoat
sinking in another one’s Chanel…
You are a connoisseur
of the glamorous «F»s
selling Love
in the blizzard
that’s circling so zealous
in curses…
I am a piano…
Happy endings are Hollywood’s format…
The girl kissed to death
is freezing again
in your arms,
dear Judas…

I abruptly stopped the spinning snow-white disk with the power of my thought and walked away into the blue-black void of the Universe. I couldn’t forgive him, at least not right then. Perhaps later… in the next life…

There’s no need for pretentious coloring
for the spirits expelled from Rome…
The planet makes faces with masks, —
paint me sincerely —
without makeup.
With the last ray of hope,
I outstretched my arms to Eternity…
Clothes won’t cheer the bitterness —
paint me intimately —
without a dress.
Feeling the same as the sea,
I took off over the world like a seagull…
When you meet me in a passing-by girl,
paint me joyfully —
without a body.

I remembered the Man in Black, and an invisible Force instantly transported me to a ghostly heavenly House with many floors, and on one of them I passed through a door unknown to me.

***

sometime in the Future,

London

I found myself in a small hotel room in… London… Why in London? Why not in Venice? But I was no longer surprised, watching myself from the side — sleeping, curled up in a ball, on the bed. Suddenly, I noticed an Angel. He was sitting on the windowsill and holding a magic wand in one hand and a strange little object on a chain in the other. The Angel said sadly, addressing me, «Alice, why are you so disobedient and always stubborn like a herd of sheep?»

«Who are you?» I asked in amazement. «And what are you doing here?»

«I’m your Guardian. And if you come back home today, you’ll write another book about me „A Guardian“. It’s a pity, most of the signs I send you will remain unacknowledged by you.»

«Why aren’t you with me now? Don’t you know that…?»

«I know,» the Angel replied, sighing, «but this happened to you only because you don’t listen to me and almost always act in your own way.»

«What is there in your hand?»

«An artifact that changes Time and Space. You’ll buy it in the Future, here in London, on the magical platform 9 and 3/4, and decide to return to an unfinished situation from your Past. But you have two situations like that, and you stubbornly refuse to notice the most important one.»

«I don’t understand.»

«Karma is a great thing, Alice. It can be ironic and leads debtors in a vicious circle, constantly bumping into those to whom they owe something until the settlement occurs. I know all the options for your Future, and you know only separate fragments, so I advise you to forgive the one who hurt you.»

«I can’t.»

«Have you ever wondered why? Think at your leisure when you get back. All these years you’ve tried to prove how wrong he was by passing you by. But you walked your Path without any help and achieved what many don’t even dare to dream of! Why are you always obsessed by some one? Either by the Man Who Was Not, or the Man in White, or the Man in Black?»

«The Man in Black is burying me in Venice. Didn’t you show me the wedding in the church?»

«Notice that I didn’t show anyone’s faces! You need Love, but the one with whom you’ll find it doesn’t have to be the Man Who Was Not, or the Man in White, or the Man in Black, especially since the Venetian scenario is not yet completely predetermined, and the Man in Black is the personification of your fears, both of life and of men in general.»

«And who is he, the one who will appear?»

«You’ll forget my words when you return to Earth, if… you can forgive him.»

***

Library of the Universe

«She won’t be able to forgive him,» the Nun said sadly, looking out the Window into the World. «I tried so hard to do my best! There are only two seconds left. There will be no more blows. I’ll steer the car exactly in the center of the third lane, from which it all began… Have you notice, friends, that Alice’s power gradually flowed from her physical body into the astral one? She’s practically no longer there, on Earth.»

«Alice needs to be shown the truth,» the Green-eyed said with a heavy sigh.

«Has she seen lies before now? Too much time wasted on the 5th second!»

«I’ll return Alice into the dream shown by her guardian a couple of years ago for the same purpose,» the Man said in a low, deep voice. «Perhaps today she’ll be able to rewrite a fragment of the potential script.»

***

somewhere in the Universe

I was swinging on an astral swing, visualized by me in one of the corners of the starry sky. I realized that I wouldn’t return home that day, or later. The Man in black robes appeared nearby. I tried not to look into his hypnotic eyes, but I heard his quiet voice, «You are wrong. At least, he is not worth your death.»

The Man stopped the swing and led me by the hand to Earth. As we approached it, I saw the mountains at night and the hotel on the mountain, where we had lived during the seminar of R. A. Mansurova in China. The Man led me to an empty room on the third floor, «You need to rest… Fall asleep… Asleep…» He disappeared behind the door, and I closed my eyes…

***

sometime in the Past,

night in the mountains, China

I woke up from a phone call. They asked me to come to the hospital. And I didn’t hesitate to go. For some reason, I felt that I not only could help, but I must. I was scared to enter his ward, but I wanted to bring him back. He had been stuck between the Worlds, I wanted him to live… I called the Teacher and asked him to support me while I would be out of my body, and we agreed on a code phrase, upon pronouncing which my Consciousness would automatically bring me back. I searched for the MWWN everywhere, scanning every piece of space until I found myself in Hell.

«Why did you come here? This is not your Door!» Someone hissed.

I didn’t turn around trying to keep walking. I looked only into the distance repeating mentally, «Where are you? Where are you?!»

Shadows surrounded me blocking my way. It was very stuffy there. I started suffocating. I kept tripping over something and was about to fall.

«Get back to where you came from! Have you forgotten what the One you’re looking for here did?»

I didn’t pay attention to shouts and grins, but I heard suddenly, «She’s got the Key in her hand! The Key!»

There were more and more shadows around. They flocked and surrounded me from all sides so that I could hardly see ahead and move on. The noise was increasing. They couldn’t touch me, although they were trying with all their might to make me fall. They needed the Key I held in my hand, to open the Door sealed to them.

«WHERE ARE YOU?!» I screamed with all my might and… saw him slowly walking away. «Stop!!! Please!»

He stopped. The shadows were trying to shout so that he didn’t hear my words. But he suddenly turned around. The shadows filled the space between us. They wanted him not to see me, but he finally noticed me and walked towards me. The shadows were trying to stop him, but he was coming, «Alice… What are you doing here?»

The shadows put their hands around his neck. They whispered something in his ear trying to pull him away from me.

«I came for you. You have to return,» I said, realizing that it was too noisy there.

«What are you saying? I don’t hear…»

«Come with me! You must return!!!»

«Return?»

«Otherwise, you’ll stay here forever! This is the Wrong Door!»

The shadows shrieked, trying to outshout me.

«What are you saying?»

«This is the Wrong Door!» I shouted with all my might.

I tried to take a step towards him in order to take his hand, but an invisible wall grew between us. The shadows snarled. They couldn’t touch me. They squealed making grimaces, «Give us the KEY and stay with him here forever!»

I held the Key tightly in my hand.

«Are there other doors?»

«There are. You can’t get to them yet. You have to go back so you can leave through another Door later. In your time.»

He looked at me sadly, keeping silent. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge clock dial appeared in front of me. I realized with horror, my time was running out. The roar, hum and shouts became unbearable. I was about to lose my consciousness.

«Come back, please!!!»

The shadows took him by the arms dragging him in the opposite direction from me.

«I can’t,» he said and started walking away into the distance.

It was unbearably hot and stuffy. There was nothing to breathe there. The air was soaked with poison. It gave me the creeps. I realized my helplessness. He was walking away further and further. I tried to follow him, but they didn’t let me go. Gathering all my strength, I shouted the last thing left, «WHAT SHOULD I DO?»

He stopped for a moment and turned to me somehow doomed and silent. Then he said something I could hear no longer. I read those words on his lips, or maybe just mentally, «Forgive me.»

Instantly, fragments of my life with the pain he caused me flashed before my eyes, like a movie. Saying «I forgive you» doesn’t mean forgiving. I could say that phrase hundreds, thousands of times, but it wouldn’t change anything. Words didn’t matter There, since the Higher Forces used to scan our souls. I sobbed slowly sinking down with my fingers unclenched from impotence. The Key fell out of my hand. The shadows instantly flew up to it and…

«I CAN’T!» I screamed in despair and…

…horror pierced me with an arrow — the code phrase was spoken…

I collapsed into my body left in the hospital, where I had been asked to come, but…

I woke up again! — in the hotel in China, at Mansurova’s seminar. It had been just a dream about an option for my Future, I hadn’t been able to rewrite, but…

I took a step away from myself in that hotel. That had been just a fragment from my memory, and several years had passed since that seminar in China, so I returned to the Library of the Universe, but…

The second hand on the huge dial moved loudly to the right. A powerful Force picked me up and carried me away, into the car I was dying on Earth in.