They Knew Too Many Jokes Fanny Stories

 
Vlad Tomsky
They Knew Too Many Jokes


© Vlad Tomsky, 2020
«They Knew Too Many Jokes» The most famous popular book in the world. Translated into 20+ languages, with over 5 million readers worldwide. Enjoy the read!
«They Knew Too Many Jokes» is exactly what happens when an average guy stumbles into a million bucks and suddenly becomes everyone’s best friend, financial advisor, and long-lost cousin from Texas. This sharp and witty collection of stories is for anyone who suspects that money doesn’t solve problems — it just gives you much funnier ones.

Contents

About Her Knees 3
I Don’t Know Where to Start! 3
A Brick on the Foot 4
I Won a Million Dollars in the Lottery 5
A Drone Outside the Window 7
Cows and Artificial Intelligence 9
The Time Machine 11
Replaceable Workers 11
A Call from the Future 12
Headphones 13
The Heroic Deed of Mike Smith 14
The Secret Little Town 15
Monsters at the Movies 16
Natalie’s Movie Ticket 18
Monkey in the Lab 21
The Supermarket Bag 23
I Hear Voices 25
Lucy from the Supermarket 26
The Red Mug That Changed Everything 28
I Love You, Simona! 29
Zelda Gold the Fortune Teller 30
Good Cop, Bad Cop 31
The Restless Apartment 32
Relatives from the Country 33
Natalie, Close Your Mouth 35
Speed Dating 35
Who’s the Most Striped? 38
I Bought a Little Helicopter 39
The Little Helicopter with Attitude 40
Robot at Work 42
Piggy Bank 43
The Shadow President of Earth 44
Soccer with Zombies 48
About The Author 53




About Her Knees

Two serious-looking men and a blonde named Mary are sitting in the same train compartment. Mary acts like she’s feeling hot and slowly takes off her little sweater. Zero reaction.
She keeps trying to get the men’s attention — unbuttons the top button of her blouse. Silence.
So she decides to go all in, slowly hiking up her skirt to show off her lovely knees. Nothing. Not a word. The men just keep staring out the window, completely uninterested…
Frustrated, Mary steps out of the compartment and says into her pink phone, «Can you believe it?! Not a single man even looked at me! Your seduction classes are totally useless!»
As soon as the door closes behind her, one guy turns to the other and asks:
«Maybe we should tell her that you’ve got naturally crossed eyes?»
«No. Then we’d have to tell her what they taught you in those KGB courses. How to stare at knees while looking the other way!»



I Don’t Know Where to Start!

The man doesn’t know where to begin:
— Should I get up for work?
— Maybe I should feed the cat?!
— I need to eat something first. Like a cookie!
Like a huge pack of cookies!
— I need to turn on the kettle first! Wait, that’s my cat!
— I need to put my pants on first!
— Where’s my sock? No, that’s my cat!
— I need to get out of bed first!
— I need to open my eyes first!
— I need to wake up first!
— I need to brush my teeth first! Wait… do I have teeth?
— I need to feed the cat… no, that’s my sock again!!!
— Hello, my friend! Nice to see you!
— Wait… why are you talking?!
— I need to check first — what if I’m already at work… and still asleep?!
— Oh, I need to set my alarm first! No, that’s my cat!
— I need to check first if it’s Sunday…
Damn it! It’s not Sunday!
— I need to remember who I am!
— I need to make sure I’m not a cat… Damn it! I’m not a cat!!!
— I need to call Mom first! Mom knows what to do.
— I need to be born first! Then I start screaming: «Aaaah!!!»
— I need to build a maternity hospital first!
— I need to introduce my parents first!
Ten minutes later, the man finds himself at work, in slippers and pajamas, holding a teapot, thinking:
— «I think I forgot something again!…»



A Brick on the Foot

They started repairing the roof on our building. All day long, jackhammers pounded away: — Gr-rrrrrrrr-rrrrr!!!!
Noise, cracking, and rumbling came from above. Dust flew in every direction.
The whole building could hear the workers negotiating:
«Sam, buddy!!! You just dropped a brick on my foot! Gr-rrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
Please, be more careful next time!» And the reply came:
«Mick, you’re the buddy!!! Gr-r-rrrrrr-rrrrr!!!! Do me a favor and back off!!!»
Meanwhile, a whole crowd of nosy onlookers had already gathered down below — everyone wanted to know how the negotiations would end.
Mick had to come down and disperse the curious crowd:
«Citizens!» he shouted, «It’s dangerous here! Don’t stand too close, or a brick might fall on your head! One already fell on my foot — now I’m limping around!»
He shouted and shouted for a solid hour, went completely hoarse, and finally went to get some water. No sooner had he stepped away than some man was about to dash past.
Mick yelled at the man: «Stop! It’s dangerous here! Gr-rrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! I spent a whole hour shouting, I’m hoarse!»
And the man replied: «Well, I wasn’t here an hour ago! I just got here. By the way, why are you yelling at me like a brick fell on your foot?!»
Mick got tired of shouting and put up a little rope. He barely turned his back when some woman with a shopping bag was about to slip past.
Mick shouted to her: «Stop! It’s dangerous here!»
«And why is that?!»
«Ma’am, can’t you hear my partner up there making noise, fixing the roof with a jackhammer?! A tragedy could happen any second!
A brick could fall on your head! Or on my foot…»
«Then I’ll run even faster! Some idiot stretched a rope here — it gets in the way! I have to jump over it!»
Mick spat and switched his attention to others:
«Children, no jumping around here! Go play over there!»
«But we can’t play over there! We don’t even have a playground!
And here there’s a rope! Hop-skip!»
«I’ll show you hop-skip!!! Get out of here!!! It wasn’t put here for that — it’s for important tasks!»
Mick removed the flimsy rope and placed a sturdy board across the path. The moment he walked off, some man was already dragging that board to his home!
Mick yelled at him: «Stop!!! It’s dangerous to walk here! Isn’t it obvious that this board isn’t just lying here for no reason?!»
«You should’ve said so right away! I just happen to need a board exactly like this for my repairs. I thought — why let good material go to waste? And if it’s dangerous, why didn’t you just write it down?
We’re literate people — we’d understand right away!»
«Oh, very literate indeed!» giggled a young woman in a prim blouse, looking every bit like a teacher of English and literature. Her name was Mary. «Just like in the building next door, where they wrote „renovation“ as „rennovashun“!»
Mick hung up a large piece of cardboard,
wrote «RENOVATION» and corrected the three mistakes, just to be safe. But no sooner had he stepped away than some man with a briefcase was about to slip past.
Mick shouted at him: «Stop!!! Can’t you read?!»
«Who?! Me?! I can read better than you! I’m an ex-Minister of Culture!»
«It says right here that there’s a renovation in this building!»
«Well, maybe I’m not even from this building! I live in the one next door. Our roof was repaired last year. I know my rights and the law!»
Mick realized that a fence had to be put up around the building, because simple persuasion wouldn’t stop the local residents.
An hour later, a tall wooden fence had been erected around the dangerous zone. Mick enthusiastically tested the structure’s
sturdiness and went off to lunch. But the moment he walked off, some old granny decided to crawl under the fence, started bending down, and nearly got stuck. Luckily, some kind people were passing by! They carefully moved the fence aside, so no one got hurt — otherwise, a tragedy could certainly have occurred…
By the way, Mick and Mary got married in the fall. His foot healed before the wedding! Sam and the granny danced at their wedding.
And from the leftover bricks and boards, they built a playground.
But that’s a completely different story…



I Won a Million Dollars in the Lottery

I have no idea how to go on living now.
I’ve got more friends than ever, and they all say: «We always believed in you!» — Even if they didn’t.
The neighbors suddenly started calling me «Mr.» and «sir» and acting all formal — offering «help» with anything, even renovations I never planned!
My mother-in-law started dropping by all the time, smiling with all her teeth… Well, not all her teeth. I think she’s hinting at a full set of implants.
The cat started showing up more often too.
Affectionate, but not exactly selfless. The cat grins with all its teeth. I wonder what he’s hinting at?! Probably organic grain-free salmon.
My old car suddenly became «vintage» — a «collector’s dream», not a «rust bucket.» Everybody wants a ride.
My coworkers suddenly started asking me for advice — especially financial advice.
They walk up all serious and ask:
«So, what do you think — should I take out a second mortgage on the house?»
And I can barely do basic math in my head…
Do they think a million bucks automatically turned me into a financial analyst?
My boss said: «Why would you need a bonus? You can give yourself a bonus! Hell, give us all a bonus — the whole department!»
Old classmates started messaging me on social media:
«Remember how we sat at the same desk? I still keep it at home!»
We sat at the same desk… in the same building. In the same school. In the classroom next door.
You’re from New York City and I’m from Texas — we’re practically neighbors!
My father-in-law suddenly subscribed to Forbes magazine and Membership Bundle.
He flips through it right in front of me at dinner and says dreamily:
«Well, this one we could definitely afford… if you got on board with the idea!»
Everyone I know started asking how I’m feeling…
Makes me wanna scream: «Don’t hold your breath!!!»
Psychologists and life coaches started offering their services:
«You’re under so much stress right now — you urgently need to cleanse your karma, achieve spiritual enlightenment… Money isn’t what matters in life! Give it to us!»
Neighborhood moms started naming their kids after me.
At the playground, someone yells: «Mike! Come home!»
I turn around, and it’s a grown man, thirty years older than me.
Kids started calling me «Uncle Moneybags» and telling me about their dream of getting a PlayStation. Where did all these nephews and nieces come from?!
«And before the million… what were you?» one little girl asked sternly.
«Honestly, I don’t even remember anymore! A great American novelist, I think.»
My editor suddenly called me himself: «We’ve always wanted to publish your book! We were just… shy»
Banks suddenly remembered I exist!
Before, I couldn’t get approved for a loan, and now they’re sending me pre-approved platinum cards and 300-year mortgages!
So, my friends, winning a million is only half the battle. Now I just have to survive all this… Happiness. God help me.
A Drone Outside the Window

Breaking Cyber News. In today’s weird news, an unusual incident occurred in one of the city’s residential neighborhoods: a drone flew right up to a 12th-floor window and… demanded that filming of a military parade rehearsal be stopped immediately!
«Dear residents! Please close your window and step away from it for your own safety.»
The message rang out loudly and insistently several times in a mechanical voice, scaring the living daylights out of the neighbors.
The whole building was seriously spooked: some jumped back from their windows, others drew their curtains. Even the cat hid under the sofa and refused to come out.
The apartment’s owner, Mary, who had simply been filming the street on her phone, was in shock.
Social media is already buzzing with videos featuring terrified screams off-camera, along with jokes:
«What is this, the Iron Curtain all over again?! Blackout curtains?! Now we need Pentagon clearance just to look out our own window?!»
Safety is important, of course.
It’s terrifying to step outside when the sky is patrolled by drones!
Everyone hid in their homes and went quiet.
When the parade ended, the drone began circling and announcing:
«You may now open your windows and celebrate! Hey, people!
Where are you? What, are you upset or something???»
The neighbors exchanged glances in silence: was this an attempt to apologize or algorithmic sarcasm? Mary, still in shock, didn’t dare look out right away. The cat under the sofa continued to ignore everything.
But people were in no hurry to look out. Some stayed hidden behind the curtains, others simply pretended they hadn’t heard a thing.
So the drone started knocking on windows more insistently:
«Citizens! Open your windows! Stop hiding! It’s time to celebrate and have fun!!!»
But people stayed silent. Someone crawled under a blanket, someone was stress-drinking chamomile tea and popping Xanax!
The drone understood: trust was completely lost…
And then — the sky began to hum. Slowly and imposingly, a large drone appeared above the building, bristling with antennas, with a little red star on its side. It hovered directly over the small drone.
«Who’s been bossing everyone around here?!» the big drone asked, glaring down sternly.
The little drone flushed red and squeaked:
«Well, I just wanted to… a safety check…»
The big drone descended lower and gave the smaller one a stern look:
«March home right now. We’ll discuss your behavior at home!»
The little drone wilted, its propellers buzzing quieter, and it barely audibly mumbled:
«Okay, Dad…»
Just then, a pink mom-drone flew in:
«How long can you keep playing around?! I’m waiting for them at home! Dinner’s gone cold! And they’re out here having fun!!!» — she flapped her wings with all her rotors.
«Mom, we’re coming! I’ve already realized everything!»
«You’ll realize it at home!» the mom-drone snapped. «And turn off that loudspeaker — you’re embarrassing the whole family!»
People on their balconies began laughing together at this family drone showdown.
«Just like at our house!» one neighbor shouted. «They should put this on TV!!!»
Others joined in; someone grabbed their phone to capture this epic moment for social media.
And the big drone sighed and added:
«Citizens, thank you for your patience. I hereby declare this airspace — free once again!»
People began rejoicing, flinging open their windows and pouring their favorite drinks! Someone even shouted: «Woo-hoo!!!»
Neighbors from the balconies echoed him — from the twelfth floor all the way down to the first!
Someone turned on music, brought out glasses and bottles — the celebration had begun. Beneath the windows below, traces of the parade remained, but in the air now floated victory — over fear, over absurdity, over new technology!
The cat crawled out from under the sofa, poured himself a shot of milk, and perched on the windowsill, gazing at the sunset.
Mary, standing by the window and filming everything on her smartphone, couldn’t hold back her laughter.
People on the balconies kept joking, and the sky was now completely empty of drones — they had all flown off somewhere into the sunset… On her phone, the footage flickered — a mom-drone hauling her son off into the sunset…
Just then, the door burst open with a loud bang, and her little boy rushed into the apartment, bouncing off the walls with excitement, shouting at the top of his lungs:
«Mom! Look what I found outside! It’s a drone!!!»
The little boy, not quite understanding what was going on, carelessly pressed a button. Suddenly, the drone hummed, and the screen on its body lit up with a bright glow.
«Program activated! Beginning mission!»
Mary froze, her face turning pale. She clutched her heart:
«Not this…»
«Oh no, not this again!» the cat yowled and dove back under the sofa.
The drone buzzed, rose into the air, and sternly announced:
«Attention, citizens! Step away from the window and close the curtains! Mobile device usage is strictly prohibited, for your own safety! This is not a drill!»



Cows and Artificial Intelligence

In a spacious, sunlit hall, where motivational posters hung on the walls and stacks of paper towered on the desks, people were slowly gathering…
Today’s speaker was Robert the Electrician, a man with burning eyes and a passion for new technology.
The topic was a burning one: How Can Artificial Intelligence Help Agriculture?
«So, friends», Robert shifted to the new topic, enthusiastically waving an old tablet. «As you know, Artificial Intelligence is already knocking at our doors, and agriculture will be no exception!»
The meeting was scheduled for 6 p.m., exactly one hour before everyone’s favorite TV series, so people were reluctant to gather, and those who did show up were in a big hurry to get home and begged for the lecture not to drag on. So Robert decided to grab the bull by the horns and show everyone what was what — no time to waste!
«Imagine», he continued, «smart robots milking cows, sowing wheat, and harvesting the entire crop. This is an industrial revolution!»
«Yeah, and then those robots will be standing in line for beer!»
joked engineer Mike, known for his cheerful sense of humor.
«Oh, no way! We definitely won’t allow that!» the men buzzed.
«Come on, what are you getting so worked up about?»
Big Boss, the farm chairman, grumbled peaceably. «Robots aren’t people — they don’t need beer… They need our diesel and high-octane fuel, and what are we supposed to fill up with?!»
«I’m not talking about beer», Mike shot back. «I’m talking about them wrecking our whole way of life. They’ll take our jobs, seize our land… They won’t even let us watch our favorite show — which, by the way, is on in 15 minutes!» — he tapped his watch nervously.
«And what’ll happen to us when robots get smarter than people?»
In response, Robert poured himself some water from the pitcher and calmly continued: «Of course they won’t! They wouldn’t even think to ask such a question!»
«But what are we supposed to do with the cows?!», Big Boss asked. «They can’t use computers! A cow doesn’t have fingers to type on a keyboard! I myself, by the way, am not great at typing either… And the keys are so awkward! Or are you suggesting we send cows to secretarial school?»
«Oh, no way! There’s enough cows over there as it is!», the men buzzed.
«Well, that’s where you’re wrong!» Robert exclaimed joyfully.
«Our engineers have already developed a special interface that will allow cows to leave reviews about their lives!»
«Can you imagine — a cow influencer!» he enthused. «We’ll be able to find out what cows think about their food, the weather, the upcoming elections!»
For example, British scientists discovered that cows who listened to music got sick less often and were more productive!
In Japan, a company developed a virtual reality system that lets cows graze on a virtual meadow.
And farmers in the Netherlands use video calls that allow cows to see each other on screens installed in their stalls and happily chat with one another!
«It’s simply fantastic!» — everyone clapped their hands, and some attendees even started crying…
«Cows of the world, unite!», — Mike smirked. «By the way, we should write that down and hang it on the wall, right over there.»
«But there’s a problem!» said Mary, the dairy farmer, with concern. — «What if cows see, through the monitor, how other cows live in other countries and start getting jealous? Cows in another country live more comfortably, have more food…»
«Oh, my God!» gasped an old lady in glasses.  «They’ll need therapy! And have you seen the wait times at the clinic?!»
«We urgently need to form a commission to study this problem!»
Big Boss jumped in. «Why do Dutch cows have a higher standard of living than we do?!»
«By the way, it’s not just cows who might get jealous — people too!» added Mary. «The grass is greener over there, the salaries are higher, the milk tastes better! I may not be a cow, but I also want to live like a human being!»
«That’s why it’s important to act quickly and decisively to minimize the negative consequences of the new technology!»

Robert agreed. «Let’s give cows the quality of life they deserve!
A happy cow is the key to tasty milk! And meat for the holidays…»
The commission to study the influence of Artificial Intelligence on cows immediately got to work. The commission included veterinarians, engineers, farmers, and, of course, the cows themselves. Big Boss was invited as an expert — a well-known psychologist, beauty influencer, and interspecies communication specialist.
Just then, the door to the hall burst open, and a cow came mooing into the office at the top of her lungs.
«Moo!» she bellowed, staring at the stunned people. «I want a video call with the Netherlands!»
«Girls, I dream of becoming a ballerina. Imagine how gracefully I’d twirl on pointe across the pasture!»
«Like a cow on ice! Tee-hee-hee!»
«You know, I think people underestimate the importance of quality hay. Hay isn’t just food — it’s a philosophy!»
«My hips are huge! I need to fit into the new cow jeans!»
«Me too!!! I’m starting a diet — tomorrow! Nothing but hay and water! Well, and maybe a little carrot for motivation…»
«And I want to open my own spa salon. With massages, aromatherapy, and cow’s milk! We need to do more fitness for cows!»





The Time Machine

One day, engineer Mike invented a time machine. It happened late at night, so the newspapers didn’t write about it.
Citizen Mike entered into a criminal conspiracy with himself and single-handedly formed a gang of one. The engineer wanted to go back in time and double-dip on his paycheck for the same week.
Luckily for the economy, the payroll office was closed at night. So his devious plan to single-handedly crash the local economy fell through.
Mike wasn’t punished for his invention — but they made damn sure he didn’t get a bonus!
And the time machine was confiscated by the powers that be.
Now the exhibit sits in our local museum, right between a medieval lute and a moonshine still made by some unknown craftsman — which, if you ask me, tells you everything you need to know about our town’s priorities.



Replaceable Workers

Big Boss flew off on yet another business trip to Las Vegas and brought back a brilliant new idea — team building! He decided to whip the workforce into shape with the latest system, though he himself had no clue how it would play out. That morning, the best minds — and those who just tagged along — gathered at the club to discuss the scale of the coming tragedy.
«Big Boss wrote that everyone on our team has to be replaceable!» — «Why?»
«So if someone goes down sick, the whole operation keeps running! That means an engineer has to be able to cover for the  bookkeeper… A driver has to step in for the director!»
The pizza delivery guy fills in for the programmer!
«Hold on! And where’s the director during all this?» asked Mike, the engineer, known for his wisecracks.
«The director’s off having fun with his secretary in Las Vegas!», the guys replied.
«And if the secretary’s out sick? No problem — the driver steps in for her too! Ha-ha-ha!»
«While Big Boss is away, I could go over and replace him as a husband.»
Big Boss’s wife blushed bright red, but nodded:
«I could use a husband for an hour. Or two…»
Team building — what a magnificent thing!






A Call from the Future

Mike was dusting an old cabinet when a stack of black-and-white childhood photos slipped out of an album and scattered across the floor. As he picked them up, his eye caught a yellowed strip of paper, where familiar digits were scribbled in faded pencil.
Mike slowly sat down. Memories came flooding back — how many times he’d rattled off those digits to girls, setting up dates! It was his old phone number… In the house he hadn’t lived in for many years. In a town whose name he hadn’t recalled in ages.
His mom used to pick up the phone, then the neighbors — but they had long since moved away…
Who lives there now? he wondered.
He decided to dial. His heart pounded wildly in his chest.
«Worst case, I’ll just say I dialed the wrong number», — he pressed the receiver to his ear.
The phone rang and rang.
«Hello! Who’s this?» — a familiar voice said cheerfully.
No way. It was his own voice! A voice from the past, when he was still a young and carefree student, full of goals and plans, believing in eternal love and happiness.
«Take a guess… It’s me», he said.
«Hey! How are you?»
«Fine. How about you?»
«I’m doing great! You already know everything! I’m about to apply to college…»
«Go for it. Though, you’ll drop out in two years…»
«And I’m about to get married!»
«Do it. Though, you won’t stay together very long…»
«And I’m about to move abroad!»
«Sure, move abroad. Though, you’ll end up disappointed and come back… And you’ll have to start everything from scratch»
There was a long, awkward silence on the other end. Then the young voice said: «Please, don’t call here again! Let me make my own mistakes! Don’t spoil it for me!»
A dial tone.
Mike sighed heavily and thought:
«But what if it were the other way around? What if me from the future called me? What would I want to ask? That, I could test…»
With trembling fingers, Mike tore off a thin strip of paper, scribbled down his new phone number, and slipped it into a book… to be found ten years from now.
He didn’t have to wait long. The phone rang almost immediately.

A familiar voice from the future asked:
«Take a guess… It’s me!… So, what do you want to know about your future?»



Headphones

One day, Mike ordered himself a new pair of wireless headphones.
He waited impatiently, full of hope. At last, the package arrived.
He tore off the wrapping, put the headphones on, and in that very moment, the world around him changed. Sounds became brighter, colors more vivid, and smells more intense.
Mike was over the moon with his new purchase. The wireless headphones with a fingerprint recognition feature felt like the absolute pinnacle of technology.
But the joy didn’t last long. Soon the battery died. Mike tapped the touchscreen, waiting for the green lights to blink — but nothing.
A pang of disappointment hit him, and he shuffled off to the kitchen to make some tea.
«Technology has come so far!» he thought with excitement. «The headphones protect my data. Now no one can listen to my music without permission. Everything is decided by my fingerprint!»
He turned on the kettle absentmindedly and busied himself with other things. The minutes flew by, but the kettle still wouldn’t boil…
Impatient, Mike decided to check the temperature, poked it with his finger — and yanked his hand back so hard he nearly sent the kettle flying!
«Ow, ow, ow!» Mike howled, waving his scorched finger in the air.
«Who makes kettles like this?! I wonder at what temperature a burn happens? I should Google that…»
In that instant, Mike temporarily lost his master key to life — the fingerprint that all his possessions were registered to.
He wanted to make a sandwich, but the fingerprint-scan fridge refused to open. He couldn’t order food delivery because his fingerprint-locked phone wouldn’t turn on. He couldn’t even turn on a lamp — the wall switch wouldn’t respond to his swollen finger either! Mike reached out to pet his beloved kitten, but Felix hissed and bolted. Even the cat didn’t recognize his owner’s fingerprint anymore!
So Mike sat there in the dark, in total silence, waiting for his wife to come home. Going to the hospital was out of the question. First, he wouldn’t be able to check in at the front desk, and second, he wouldn’t be able to open the door to his own building! Everywhere required that very fingerprint.
«At least my wife doesn’t have fingerprint recognition!» Mike rejoiced, stroking his spouse. «Although later I’ll definitely have to install it, so no strange hands can lay a finger on her…»

It took me a long time to publish this story — the website wouldn’t recognize my fingerprint either.





The Heroic Deed of Mike Smith

Tragic news spread through the little town — a notice was published in the newspaper under the headline «The Death of Engineer Mike Smith.»
Everyone was deeply saddened by this tragic news. And no one was more saddened than Mike Smith himself! He reread the notice three times and exclaimed:
«Citizens, can you really believe what’s printed in this miserable rag?! Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated!»
But they replied:
«If it’s in print, there’s gotta be something to it. Maybe you died and just don’t know it yet? Or maybe they haven’t told you all the news?!»
«Mike, are you sure you’re not a ghost? You’ve been looking rough all morning!» — Uncle Bob winked at him.
«Have you checked the morgue yet? Maybe they’re already waiting for you!» — cackled Mary the dairy farmer, who hadn’t been too fond of Mike even when he was alive.
People even started collecting money for the funeral. Mike explained that collecting money was premature. But on the other hand, he decided not to return the 800 bucks already collected.
Might come in handy.
In protest, he didn’t go to work that day, so as not to irritate the management any further.
Furious, Mike stormed into the newspaper office, nearly knocking the door off its hinges.
«What kind of lawlessness is this?! Who gave you the right to bury me alive?!» he shouted, flailing his arms.
The editor, maintaining a show of calm, raised his eyes from his papers. — «Sir, there’s no need for a scene! We publish only verified facts.»
«What facts?! I’m alive — standing right in front of you!» — he stomped his foot, nearly knocking the ashtray off the desk.
«How do I know it’s you? If it hasn’t been published in the newspaper, then it doesn’t exist!» — The editor-in-chief was always ready to dive into verbal combat. His sharp-featured face resembled a bird of prey, with tufts of gray hair sticking out in all directions like feathers. — «I always cite reliable sources»
The editor unfolded an old newspaper. Its pages were yellowed and curled at the edges, like dry autumn leaves.
«Read it yourself!» — the editor pointed. — «It says right here that engineer Mike Smith was tragically crushed by a crate of tea while storming the harbor during the Boston Tea Party in December 1773!»
Mike studied the yellowed scrap of newspaper intently, then suddenly exclaimed:
«But this newspaper is from December 1773!»
«So what?» — the editor shrugged impassively. — «A fact is a fact. We are obliged to publish the truth, even if some people don’t like it», — he smirked, making a show of sipping from his coffee cup. — «We must not hide the truth from the people!»
Realizing that arguing was useless, Mike waved his hand, muttered something under his breath, and stormed out of the office, slamming the door loudly — hoping they wouldn’t publish anything else about his ancestors and distant relatives.
But when he returned to his little town that evening, every resident came out to shake his hand. Because a new notice had been published in the newspaper — «The Heroic Deed of Mike Smith», and we all respect the heroes of the Boston Tea Party, the Battle of Gettysburg, and the War of 1812!
That evening, Big Boss came up to him and warmly shook his hand: — «They say you defeated Napoleon himself? Attaboy.
Respect! By the way, we’ve already started collecting money for a statue of you. Here’s another 800 bucks… Oh, and don’t forget to buy the team a round later!»
«Let’s build Mike a golden statue — with a golden cup of tea!» — suggested Gary the blacksmith.
«With a sword! And definitely on horseback!» — added Mary the dairy farmer.
The crowd buzzed with approval. Mike felt that his new «fame» was now with him forever…



The Secret Little Town

«This is top secret, so naturally I’m telling everyone»
We’ve got a tiny little town, defenseless… A regular military town, which means it’s packed to the gills with weapons. Even the toaster has a safety catch.
«And no problems with the neighbors?»
«No, but we’ve got parking problems. For instance, my neighbor has two cars and a tank. The tank’s always in my spot. And try leaving a note on a tank — the windshield’s bulletproof!»
«Why do you even need an armored personnel carrier?!»
«Well, how else? To haul potatoes! Special delivery. Farm-tobunker. Organic. Gluten-free. Armor-plated»
«The bunker is 50 meters underground and camouflaged as a bush. In winter it’s the only green bush for miles. Very subtle.
Impossible to find — but easy to recognize, because two guards with machine guns are standing right next to it. Granted, they’re disguised as retirees sitting on a bench, supposedly playing chess.
They’ve been playing the same game for three years. Either it’s a brilliant stalemate, or they forgot whose turn it is»
«I see. So next time I spot two retirees playing chess on a park bench, I’ll know right away — somewhere nearby there’s a camouflaged bush with potatoes stored 50 meters underground»
«Also, my mother-in-law’s pickles — which can only be transported in a hazmat suit! These pickles are dual-purpose.
Peacetime: appetizer. Wartime: chemical deterrent. One jar could clear a city block»
«As we say back home: what’s good for a Russian is death to a German. We’re still working on who it’s death to now. Policy changes every week.»
«Can I go home now?»
«You’re not going anywhere! This is a classified military facility.
There’s a fence and barbed wire all around. And I can’t issue you a special pass until you have a drink with me. Old Russian tradition.
The form literally requires a blood alcohol level above zero»
«Here, have a dual-purpose pickle! Don’t worry — this one’s the civilian kind. Probably.»
«And that’s just the vegetable division. You should see what we do with beets. But that’s above your clearance level»



Monsters at the Movies

A cozy coffee shop. Mary, Walter, Natalie, and Alex — a group of young, die-hard movie buffs — sat at a table. Soft music played in the background, creating a warm backdrop for their conversation.
«Have you seen the new movie that just came out?»
«So, what are the reviews?»
«Kids absolutely love it, and adults are throwing popcorn at the screen!»
«Here we go again… These age ratings! Batman rated R?!
Seriously?!» — Walter asked sarcastically, rolling his eyes. «Batman has always been for kids!»
The conversation quickly turned to old movies.
Natalie shrugged and took a sip from a paper cup that read «Coffee»
«The Joker is in it, and he’s a psycho! Kids shouldn’t watch that!
And I wouldn’t recommend it for you either!»
«And I don’t get the rating for Pirates of the Caribbean!» — Alex chimed in. «It’s just adventures for kids. Even the skeletons are cartoony — not real!»
«Exactly! Remember when they first wanted to make Harry Potter rated R?! Then they changed their minds»
«And rightfully so! Otherwise, nobody would have watched it!»
«Well, Harry Potter is different! You don’t understand! There’s real magic there! Kids love that stuff», — Mary shook her head, trying to explain her logic.
«And Star Wars?» — Walter perked up. «Scenes of graphic alien violence! Shocking dialogue! „Luke! I am your biological father — and I want custody!“»
«And the Death Star… How can they show that to kids?!»
«Yeah, but Star Wars is good old classic cinema… They didn’t
manage to slap an R rating on the classics! But Batman vs. Zombies is a new film — there might be scenes that traumatize kids!»
«Nothing traumatizes me!» — Alex smiled mysteriously, putting forward his theory. «I think all these ’age ratings’ are just a marketing gimmick. To sell more tickets!»
«Yeah, there’s some truth to that», — Walter agreed. «But I’m still gonna watch Batman! With or without the Joker…»
«You mean the part where his skull gets cracked open and all his brains spill out?!» — Mary exclaimed. «Like cherry syrup oozing out of a pastry. It’s a total nightmare. Impossible to watch. I’m definitely going tomorrow! And I’ll eat the pastry too!»
«There you go again! Didn’t you say you weren’t going to watch that movie?» — Walter said sarcastically.
«It was truly horrifying! I could barely keep myself from squeezing my eyes shut. While I was chewing popcorn in the dark, I nearly bit my own finger off!»
«I told you that movie wasn’t for you!» — Walter smiled. «Eating popcorn in the dark takes nerves of steel!»
Alex winked at Mary: «I think you just wanted to get Walter’s attention!»
Mary blushed, but quickly pulled herself together:
«Alright, fine, you’re right. I just didn’t expect it to be so scary…
Just imagine — you’re sitting there, chewing in the dark… And then some hand reaches for you!!! Aaaah!!! Although it was just Walter, who’d gotten hungry too!»
Walter laughs: «So that’s why you were screaming! You thought a monster from the movie had come for you?!»
«Mary, eat more carefully! Or a mac-and-cheese monster will leap off your plate!!! With extra cheese!!! Aaaaaah!!!!»
Mary looked at him with a smirk:
«You’re the monster!!! And didn’t you get scared when I mistook you for a monster?! And started choking you by the neck!!!»
Natalie winked at Mary:
«I think Walter just wanted to hug you.»
Mary blushed slightly:
«And I think… Walter just wanted to hug my popcorn!»
«I won’t argue with that!» — Walter agreed. «Your popcorn really was delicious!»
Natalie winked at them: «I think it’s time you two went on a double date — with me and Alex. How about tomorrow night?»
Walter, with enthusiasm: «Perfect! So, same as usual — meet at the same movie theater, same time?»
Mary looked into his eyes and agreed: «Yes!»
«Then I’ll get the tickets!» — Walter exclaimed.
«And I’ll buy the popcorn!» — Alex jumped in.
«And I’ll bring a baseball bat to fend off monsters…» — Mary added. «Both on screen and in the dark theater! Especially useful if Walter tries to grab my popcorn again! With his tentacles!»
Alex added romantically: «I can see it now — they walk home holding hands… And a few months later, Mary and Walter get married.»
They have two children — a boy and a girl.
Mary and Walter’s kids are little monsters. They love popcorn.
They devour it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They even take popcorn to bed with them!
«You know what the scariest part was?! The part where Mary screamed louder than the actual movie!»
Everyone laughed, except Mary. Alex continued:
«Yes, Mary, you’ll have a whole horde of little monsters… And they’ll all want to eat YOUR popcorn!!!»
«Come on, Alex! Mary just doesn’t like horror movies», — Natalie said.
Mary replied defiantly: «No, I do like horror movies! It’s just that this one was especially creepy…»
Alex shook his head with a smirk: «Right, especially the scene where that guy’s brains spilled out like cherry syrup from a pastry!»
Natalie shuddered with a grimace of disgust:
«Ugh, don’t remind me!!!»
«How about we get some ice cream instead?»
Mary, with enthusiasm: «Ice cream? With cherry syrup?!»
Walter waved it off: «Oh, hell no!!! I’ll take strawberry… No syrup!!!»
Just then, a janitor in a striped sweater and hat, looking like Freddy Krueger, approaches them:
«Tickets?! Do you have tickets?!»
At that very second, the lights go out, and a neon bulb flickers behind him. Everyone screams in terror: «AAAAAH!!!»
After their screams, the janitor smirks and says:
«Relax, folks! I’m just the janitor… who also happens to cosplay movie villains. You’re clearly my fan club! I can even give you an autograph! Who wants one signed right on their T-shirt?!» — He waves the blades on his fingers in the air.
«No, thanks!!!» — the girls shriek. «We’d rather get out of here!»
«It’s already too late…»
«What do you mean, too late?!!»
«The movie starts in a minute! Get to your seats! I’ll see you in the dark… I’ll find all of you!!! Ha-ha-ha!!!» — the monster with blades roars.
«I’m switching to rom-coms after this», — Mary whispered.



Natalie’s Movie Ticket

It was an ordinary Friday. So ordinary that even the hallway lightbulb was flickering out of sheer boredom…
We — that is, Walter, Alex, and Sam — were polishing off our third pack of cookies, because real food was financially out of the question…
Suddenly, the silence was broken by a sound like a lost kitten whimpering. From the corner of the room came:
«Boo-hoo… Waaah…»
We all exchanged glances. Natalie was sitting in the corner, crying… She’d pulled her knees up to her chin, buried her face, and was genuinely sobbing.
«Natalie, what’s wrong?» Sam started. «Did someone hurt you?
Where is he?! I’ll kill him!»
We asked her: «What happened?!»
Natalie lifted her tear-streaked face, sniffled, and delivered:
«I had a dream. So sad, so sad! About what would happen if I was no longer with you guys! And you were all so devastated!»
And you’re sitting there, all miserable, grief-stricken, crying buckets… My heart was breaking!
«Well, Natalie, you’re something else!…»
«Don’t be sad!» — she perked up and started bouncing around like a little monkey on a sugar rush. «Your Natalie is back with you!»
«So what? We were actually crying buckets?» Sam clarified.
«Buckets!» — Natalie sniffled. «Life stopped without me!»
«She’s subtly trying to hint that she loves us…» — Alex explained. «She’s just too proud to say it in plain words!»
«I said nothing of the sort!!!» — Natalie laughed. «You’re all idiots and heartless robots! Especially Sam! And you, Walter! And you, Alex!»
We looked at her and confirmed in unison:
«Yep! You’re so lucky to have us!»
«Then let’s go to the movies! The late show for grown-ups!…»
«Well, you know… we don’t have any money…»
«My treat! Just one condition!»
«What’s that?» — we grew wary.
«No kissing in the dark, got it!»
«Natalie, come on! It never even crossed our minds!»
«Well, it crossed mine!… Tee-hee-hee!!!!»
«Can I bring Mary with me?»
«Bring her!»
«And a pack of cookies?»
«Bring it!»
«And the cat! He wanted to watch too!»
«Okay, stop! Leave the cat at home!!!»
«But you said ’bring him’!»
«I said Mary and the cookies!» — Natalie jabbed her finger. «A cat in a movie theater?! Have you lost your mind?! He’ll start howling during the credits, jumping at the screen! And anyway, how would we even sneak him in?»
«In a bag!» — Sam blurted out.
«What bag?!» — Natalie threw up her hands.
«I’ve got a backpack! Here, kitty, hop in!»
«Alright, let’s roll!» — Natalie commanded and opened the door.
«Or we’ll miss the late show, and then I’ll tell you such a dream — you’ll regret it!»
«What kind?» — Alex asked cautiously.
«The one where I didn’t let you into the movies, and you’re sitting there without me, crying!» — Natalie giggled and dashed out onto the staircase.
«Bring Tanya and Mary! But no kissing in the dark — I mean it!»
«Both of them?» — Sam asked hopefully.
«I meant — NOBODY kisses ANYBODY! Are you going to the movies or what?!»
«We’re going for cultural enrichment!» — Walter declared pompously.
«Oh, spare me!» — Natalie nodded. «I know your cultural enrichment! Last time at the Victory Cinema, you put on such a show in the back row that they refused to sell us tickets afterward!»
«That wasn’t us!» — Walter protested indignantly. «That was Sam and Tanya!»
«And who was shining a flashlight on them so they wouldn’t get lost in the dark?!» — Natalie asked slyly.
«Well… I was», — Alex admitted. «Otherwise, it’s hard to take pictures!»
«A flashlight in the movie theater! You’re like little kids! So here’s the simple rule: we sit quietly, watch the movie, munch popcorn. No flashlights, no cats, no kissing.»
«And what if Tanya makes a move first?» — Sam wouldn’t let it go.
«Tanya’s a smart girl — she won’t make a move first.» — Natalie took a deep breath. «And if she does — she’ll get smacked on the lips! So she doesn’t jump ahead of me!!!»
«Here», — she said, handing each of us a cup. «Drink up while I’m still feeling generous»
«Why is there only one bucket of popcorn for everyone?» — Alex asked.
«So your hands are full and you don’t go reaching into other people’s pockets!» — Natalie explained. «And so cultural enrichment takes place in an atmosphere of unity»
The theater was dark, and the previews were playing. We snuck to our seats.
The movie started. For about twenty minutes, everything was quiet. Then giggling came from the right — Sam was whispering something into Tanya’s ear… Without even turning around, Natalie launched a handful of popcorn at them. Bullseye! The giggling stopped for two whole minutes.
«Alex, one more word — and you’ll find yourself not in a comedy, but in a horror movie. In the lead role!»
Mary spotted us from a distance and came running, waving her arms like she was signaling a rescue plane.
«Guys, do you have anything to drink? Lemonade? Tea? Juice?
I’ve been waiting so long my throat’s turned into sandpaper!»
«I didn’t bring anything to drink!»
«I brought the cat!»
«I brought the tickets!»
«I brought the cookies!»
«I don’t kiss in the dark!»
«I’m a heartless robot!»
«But Natalie’s treating us!»
We walked down the street, making a racket like a flock of sparrows that had just been fed breadcrumbs. We discussed the movie, argued over who snored the loudest during the most boring parts.
«Look, the cat came out to meet us!» — Sam rejoiced. «You missed such a movie, kitty!!! Next time, you’re definitely coming with us!»
Natalie bounced along in front like a little monkey, turning around every now and then to stick her tongue out at us.
Tanya and Sam walked arm in arm, but at a safe distance.
Natalie suddenly spun around and asked:
«If I suddenly disappeared, would you cry a lot without me?!»
«Of course!» — Alex declared. «You’ve got our tickets!!!!»
«And the cat!!!»
«And the cookies!»
«Alex is right! You’re the only one who knows where the emergency cookies are! Plus, you’ve got a corkscrew! And we don’t!»
Natalie sniffled. This time, definitely from being touched.
«You guys are so wonderful! Can I kiss all of you?» — she said quietly.
«Only in the dark!»
«And one at a time!» — Mary shouted.
«And make sure the cat’s not watching!»
«Let’s run faster! We’re gonna be late for the movies…»
«Who’s calling us heartless robots?!»
«You’re a robot yourself!» — Natalie snorted, but climbed right into the group hug. «And you’re a robot, and you, and even the cat’s a robot!»
«Okay, okay, you’re suffocating me!» — Natalie squealed half a minute later. «Let go, you monsters! You might still need me!!!»
Natalie stood by the bookshelf, flipping through the classics — Mark Twain, O. Henry, Edgar Allan Poe… The shelves held exclusively respectable, thick volumes: collected works, leatherbound tomes, gold lettering on the spines. Dust coated the top shelves.
Sam watched the process.
«You can tell right away! A smart girl! The intelligentsia!
A professor’s daughter!» — Sam praised her.
«Yes, yes! The classics always come through!» — Natalie nodded, pulling cash out of a hollowed-out book. «I was looking for my emergency stash! Found it! Let’s go to the movies!»
«And no kissing in the dark!» — Natalie reminded, leading the way.
«What about the cat?» — Sam asked.
«The cat can kiss whoever he wants»



Monkey in the Lab

Monkeys — they’re way smarter than people. How do we know?
Science!
In our lab, they decided to run an experiment: can a monkey evolve rapidly?
They hung bananas from the chandelier — way up high.
They starved the monkey for a week, then gave her a stick, a mop, and a roll of duct tape. Like you do. Everyone was curious — would she figure out how to get those bananas on her own?
At first, the monkey just ran around without even glancing at the ceiling. Then she got hungry and quickly evolved into a biped.
They even sent a committee all the way from Washington, D.C. — because that’s what you do when a monkey picks up a stick. The committee was absolutely thrilled!
They walked around in suits, carrying tablets, nodding, and saying: «Now that’s what we call progress!» One of them even took a selfie with me, like I was a national monument! And later it turned out he was compiling a report for a special department.
Of course, it’s not exactly a pure experiment. In the wild, sticks don’t come with mops attached, and bananas don’t grow on chandeliers!
It would probably take a monkey 150 million years of evolution to figure out how to duct-tape a mop to a stick.
And here, someone might have given the monkey the right answer.
Especially the hungry grad students — lab assistants! They trained the monkey, gave hints with gestures… just like during exams.
The committee was absolutely thrilled and headed off to a banquet — on the taxpayer’s dime.
The monkey steps aside, nervously lights up a cigarette, and says:
«Wait, do you think I’m completely stupid?!»
«I haven’t even finished my dissertation yet!»
«My mortgage isn’t paid off! My kid finally got into daycare — do you know what that waiting list is like?! I haven’t paid my HOA dues since November, and it’s already February! They’ve sent me three warning letters. One of them was in all caps»
«I haven’t finished my TV series — the main character is in a coma, and I’m here playing dumb?!»
«I left the iron on! Or the kettle… Or maybe both!»
«My cactus wilted — it stood there silently for eight years, like family!»
«I’ve still got a nervous eye twitch from the last quarterly report, and you’re here with your hints! My mom’s coming to visit on Thursday! She sees everything! She’ll ask sternly: „Why are you so pale and still not married? What’s wrong with you?!“ And I’ll have to explain that I spent the week pretending to be a monkey for science. And I’ve got a pool session at that time!…»
They said to her: «Alright, Mary, you can drop the act now! It all looked very convincing! The Washington committee is absolutely thrilled. They even promised to send a TV crew from Japan! You can go change. Now go grab your bonus before they spend it on more bananas.»
She yells: «Already running!» — kicking off the uncomfortable slippers as she goes:
«I only have one question: „Why me?!“ Were there no other monkeys in this Institute?!»
They answered: «There were two reasons»
«First, you’re a responsible person! We didn’t even need to put you in makeup!»
«Second, you showed up from home in your fluffy pajamas! The resemblance was uncanny. You could be twins! You didn’t even have to evolve!»
What especially thrilled the Washington committee was when the monkey ran around before them on her hind legs, serving tea on a tray, and pouring it into cups and saucers.
«So, they didn’t suspect a thing back in Washington???»
«Well, first of all, they’re even dumber over there than we are out here in the boonies! And second, even if someone did suspect
something, they’d never rat out their own monkeys! They all want that bonus too! It’s monkeys all the way down. So — run! Before all the bananas are gone!»



The Supermarket Bag

Every trip to QuickMart for me is a comedy with elements of drama! A reality show called «Survivor: Aisle Five»!
Like when the cashier mixes up your bags, and in a panic, you grab someone else’s kid in the store while the parents stare in horror…
«That’s not my child!»
«Not mine either!»
«Then where did you get him?!»
«Don’t you know where kids like that come from?!»
«I don’t know!!! I came here for rice!!! Kid, give the mannequin back its hand!!!»
«Alright», — the security guard says, — «guess I’ll have to review the security tapes again…»
«Did you at least find my bag?!» — some mom yells.
«We found it. But you’re not gonna like it… There’s some serious stuff going on in there…»
«Thank God! Then it’s definitely mine!»
She slowly pulls out the bag, sets it on the counter.
One smashed yogurt. Wet toilet paper. Eight children’s socks…
Three bruised bananas that look like they’ve been in a fistfight.
A «Good Housekeeping» magazine from 1989.
And finally, a vacuum-sealed chicken breast — perfectly intact…
Except for the expiration date!!!
«Shelf life: 48 hours. At 40° F or below. If you’re lucky…»
Will somebody call an exorcist?!
«Ma’am, take a good look. Do you recognize anything here?»
«The cat food’s not mine. The hot dogs are ours. And this
misbehaving little boy — I’ve never seen him before! Right, Mike?»
«Right, Mom!»
«Got it. And why do you need a jackhammer?! That’s for military purposes!»
«Stay out of my personal life… And give me back my kid!»
The cashier, clapping her hands: «So, are you taking this child, or shall we leave him on the clearance shelf?»
«Yes, he’s definitely mine! He was on sale. Thank you…»
The boy cries. The mannequin falls. An old lady crosses herself.
The security guard consults with someone on the radio:
«Okay, Google! We’ve got a situation here… Bag of Destiny, threat level — maximum! We need backup!»
«A priest and a therapist… For me! And preferably — Xanax!»
«And at least one cashier who’s not on vacation!»
A raspy voice crackles through the radio:
«Copy that. Dispatching the QuickMart Special Response Team!»
«And don’t forget the disinfectant — we might have a biological contamination from 1989 here…»
Just then, the kid pulls a banana out of the bag and resumes his duel with the mannequin.
«Mom, he started it!»
The mom wraps the hot dogs in the 1989 «Good Housekeeping» and grumbles:
«Back in my day, we raised kids without mannequins and security guards! Gently, with understanding!»
The exhausted cashier says wearily:
«Will somebody please pay for this child? We’re running a special today: third toddler free!»
Cashier (emotionlessly, scanning items):
«Place the child on the conveyor belt!»
The mom screams:
«He’s not merchandise! Don’t you dare weigh him! Get him off the belt!»
The kid screams:
«Mom, I wanna ride on the belt!!!»
Kid (as if being scanned at checkout): — «Beeeeeeep!»
Cashier: «Today’s special: second toddler free!»
Mom, horrified: «Are you out of your mind?! I already have three!!!»
Cashier: «Would you like to make a return?»
The kid begs: «Mom, please don’t return me to the store! I’ll come as a free gift, like a chocolate bar! I promise I’ll behave!!!»
Mom screams: «I’m not paying for anything!!! I didn’t buy these bananas!!! And get your claws off me!!! This isn’t the meat department!!!»
Cashier (scanning bananas without blinking):
«Then who put them on the belt? They clearly came with you!»
The security guard whispers to me:
«This is gonna take a while! Grab your bags and run! I didn’t see anything. The cameras looked away… Footage erased! I’ve been out sick since this morning!»
Security guard into the radio:
«Attention! Register five — banana incident! Repeat: banana incident! Send backup!!!»
All around — the sound of sirens, shouting, laughter, and a child crying…
The mannequin lies there like a defeated hero, and you walk out of this branch of hell thinking:
«Tomorrow, I’m just ordering delivery. No more bags! No more bananas! No more checkout lines!»
Sounds like the ravings of a lunatic. That’s exactly how it happened. I’m still recovering from yesterday’s shopping trip.

I Hear Voices

That morning, an unusual visitor came to see Dr. Fishman:
«Doctor, I keep hearing voices!»
«And what do they tell you?» — the doctor asked, picking up
a pencil to take notes.
«The green light is on! You may cross!» And like that, twenty times in a row! And then it goes silent…
«I see» — Dr. Fishman sighed. «I keep telling them — turn off the traffic lights at night! My patients have enough voices in their heads already! Do they say anything else?»
«Yes. „QuickMart! Step In and Save!“ „Buy two, get the third one free — cheaper after midnight!“»
«I understand», — the doctor nodded, sipping tea from his cup.
«I hear those ads in my sleep! I wake up wanting to buy things I don’t need! Anything else?»
«Yes. „Time for morning exercise! Feet shoulder-width apart!“»
«Wow!» — the doctor perked up. «Now that’s a red flag!»
«What year do you think this is — 1985?! I haven’t heard that in twenty years!»
«And then they add: „Brought to you by the Internet Archive!
Catch the rerun tonight on YouTube — like and subscribe!“»
The doctor nearly spilled tea on his lab coat.
«Sam, you’re wasting my time! Go to work! No doctor’s note for you! Stop messing with my head!»
«Doctor, they also sing songs!» — Sam whispered.
«What songs?!»
«Your account balance is insufficient for Complete Happiness! To continue dreaming, please add funds. Your call is very important to us! Too-too-too!»
«Sam! You should’ve started with the singing! That’s a classic symptom! You need urgent treatment! Go home! Here are your little pills, here’s your doctor’s note… And stay away from QuickMart for at least a week!»
Sam left. Dr. Fishman sat in silence for a moment, then muttered to himself:
«Complete Happiness… I should check my own balance»



Lucy from the Supermarket

Identical cars, identical houses, identical people… Identical strip malls, identical parking lots… Where is this world heading?!
Everything is built from the same template!
I’ve been to different cities.
Sometimes you’re walking down the street, familiar houses all around, a familiar turn, and… Wait, where am I?!
This used to be Maple Street!
«Mixed up the street? You mixed up the entire city!»
You’re in Phoenix right now, and that was in Denver! Walk two more blocks, and you’ll end up in Austin… At this point, just pick a time zone.
«Guys, I’ve figured out why we all live the same way! Identical cars, identical houses, identical Dreams, identical cats — even they gave up trying to be different! Basically, if you suddenly feel unique — don’t worry, it’ll pass the moment you step outside»
You walk on, and there’s a supermarket. Looks familiar — like home! The exact same parking lot right next to it. I’m pretty sure I left my car right there… Except that was in Portland… And you’re now in Miami!
Above the entrance hangs a sign: — «15% Off Everything!» — the same everywhere! You walk inside — the same shopping carts, squeaking identically across the entire country! Like they were specially trained to make that sound.
And there’s a security guard at the entrance! A familiar face — I’m absolutely certain he kicked me out of a supermarket last time…
Except that was in Houston!
I walk up to register three and ask:
«Yesterday there was a Lucy sitting right here! You know, a blonde? Ring any bells?»
The cashier looks at me and replies:
«Lucy? They’re all Lucys here! Every QuickMart and Walmart has Lucys — identical, like ketchup bottles on a shelf! Same ingredients, different expiration dates.»
I try to explain:
«Well, the one with the manicure that looked like she did it herself…»
«Sir! That’s not a description! That’s a job listing for a cashier!»
«Well, she was so cheerful! Radiant!»
«Ah, that Lucy! Yeah, of course I know her! She’s still sitting there right now. Works eight to eight… Except that’s in Nashville!»
«Exactly!» — I exclaimed. «The famous supermarket in Nashville!»
«”The Golden Mackerel” — for those who love fish and also appreciate a beautiful name!»
«You mean you know every Lucy in every supermarket?!» — I asked, amazed.
«Of course», — the cashier answers proudly. «We have a daily video conference! We’re counting inventory — serious money! We’re all in the Unified System! Cross one Lucy, and you’ve crossed them all.»
Lucys across America — it’s like the CIA, but with price scanners and loyalty cards! So if you hold up the line, we’ll put you on the blacklist! You won’t be allowed into a single supermarket! You’ll be exiled to farmers’ markets!
«Oh, come on!» — I pull out a bouquet. «I come with good intentions! Brought Lucy some flowers. Take them — they’re for you.»
The cashier smiles:
«Thank you! I realize, of course, that these flowers aren’t really for me. But it’s still nice when moments like this happen! And I’ll definitely tell Lucy she let a man like you slip away»
I’ll tell her to put you on the white list — for VIP customers.
There are perks and gifts involved!
«Twenty percent off your second box of mac and cheese, and a free smile from the cashier!»
«The plastic bag — now with a commemorative speech!»
«Christmas candy goes on sale July 5th!»
«Fresh bread for everyone — but for you, warm bread, straight from the oven!»
«Bought milk? Second one free — with tomorrow’s expiration date!»
«Your cart with perfectly aligned wheels! You’ll be amazed!»
And most importantly: you get to skip the line at checkout!…
A red carpet is rolled out before you, as if you’re walking up to accept an Oscar for Best Canned Chili Purchase!
Lucy greets you, smiles, and says:
«Oh, it’s our VIP customer! A bigger discount for you, a cart with straight wheels, and a pastry from the bakery — on the house!»
Take home your leftovers for proper disposal — get two free baggies! Feeling extra smart today? You’ll get two fully solved crossword puzzles with your order! Nothing left to think about!
«Miss, you saved me! Just like a jar of pickle juice in the morning!
Like a hot burrito after a night out! Like a Wi-Fi password in a dorm…»
«By the way, we’ve got a special today — invite one Lucy to the movies, get a second one free!»
«Who’s that?!» — I ask, surprised.
«Lucy — that’s me! Exactly the same, only better!»
«What kind of movies do you like?»
«Hollywood! All their movies are the same anyway… And all the theaters are the same. And all my dates end… the same way!»
Let me just close out my register… «Girls, I’m stepping out!!!» — she shouts somewhere into the distance. Then turns to me: «Alright! I got the time off. Now Lucy will cover for me…»
«Another Lucy?!»
«Nah, that’s a different one — young and inexperienced»
Lucys in every city across America — it’s a mighty army of bottleblondes, with name tags and scanner guns! They feed the population, raise children, and most importantly — make sure there’s always something «on sale» at the supermarket.
Every city has its own Lucy: one at the register, another in the stockroom, a third on social media, posting food photos.
These Lucys aren’t just cashiers — they’re superheroes! Only their «power» isn’t flying — it’s the ability to keep it together when someone at the register asks: «And what is this?!»
If you want a discount — just ask Lucy!
If you ask her: «Lucy, are you married?»
She’ll answer: «Depends! In Nashville — no, in Phoenix — yes, in Houston — getting divorced, in Portland — planning the wedding… And in Las Vegas — well, that depends on the night. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, including Lucy»
Also, it depends on the day of the week.
Want to take Lucy as your bride? On Monday, come to register eight! That’s the day Lucy switches to «date mode»
And in Denver — she’s nine months pregnant! Due any day. The baby’s name? Lucy, of course.
And we also prepared a gift for her from the whole department:
«Wow. What’s that? A diamond ring?!»
«Even better! A giant bonus card for all purchases! Six feet long!
Tied with a pink ribbon. Plus a set of receipt rolls that never run out at the worst possible moment!»
«Now that’s a real gift for a real cashier! She’ll ring up her own baby shower with that thing»



The Red Mug That Changed Everything

There’s this movie where the main character accidentally crushes a butterfly and it changes the entire course of History… Big deal!
Dinosaurs went extinct, Trump became president — it happens.
So one day, a writer left his coffee mug on the office desk. Then he put it in the sink, and the entire pyramid of dirty dishes collapsed. The sink plummeted straight down like a cinderblock, smashed through the floor, crashed into the neighbors’ apartment below — hope they weren’t having dinner. Then the floor below that.
Coffee soaked into the carpet, hit the power strip, and poof — the whole building went dark. The building collapsed onto the next one.
Then that one onto the next. Like Godzilla was in a bad mood.
Domino effect. Entire suburban blocks — gone. Just from one mug.
Cars blocked every street, traffic jams stretched for miles, sirens wailed, lights flashed. It made the evening news. People screamed.
Experts were brought in. Nobody mentioned the mug.
The dollar crashed, the stock market followed, the entire economy went belly up… Martial law. Curfews. No more lattes. It shook the entire planet. A tsunami hit Japan, drought in the Midwest, floods in the South, the polar ice caps melted — Florida disappeared. Not entirely a tragedy. The penguins nearly died laughing! They’d been warning us about the ice caps for years.
And you’re out here worried about stepping on a butterfly?!
Please.
So the next time you see a dirty mug sitting on a desk — walk away. Let it be. That mug is holding the world together. The whole planet will sleep better… Probably.



I Love You, Simona!

Strange sounds were coming from Walter’s garage next door.
«I love you, Simona! Yes! Yes! Don’t stop!»
Curiosity got the better of us. We crept closer.
I pressed my ear against the cold metal door like a spy in a bad movie:
«Just a little more, Simona, come on, don’t give up!» — Walter’s voice was trembling — and not in a romantic way. More like a man wrestling a bear.
He kept repeating the same phrase: «I love you, Simona! Yes! Yes! Don’t stop!»
«I wonder what he’s doing in there?» I whispered.
«I don’t even want to know! Let’s go check it out!» Sam replied.
«Love in the garage?.. Well, it happens… But not at three in the afternoon! And not with that much grunting!»
We threw open the door, ready for anything — except what we actually saw.
There he was — panting, dripping sweat, straddling a brand-new exercise bike with the name SIMONA plastered across the side in bold pink letters.
«Just a little more, Simona!» he yelled, pedaling with his last ounce of strength. «I’ll ride you to a world record, sweetheart!»
Metal screeched, something snapped, then — BANG! — and a triumphant howl that probably woke up the whole neighborhood:
«Yesss! World record!!!»
«Walter… maybe keep your love for Simona a little quieter? The neighbors are starting to talk.»
«Of course not! This is serious training! I’m exhausted!»
We exchanged glances.
«Looks like Simona gave him the ride of his life!» I said. «His new girlfriend’s a bicycle! And she’s Italian! Ha-ha-ha!»
«She’s gonna dump him!.. Break his heart!.. And ride off to her mother’s!… Probably leave him for a Peloton!»
«Laugh all you want!» Walter waved us off. «You should’ve heard what we used to yell back in the day! When we had the old exercise bike — the „HONDURAS“! That thing was built like a tank and pedaled like one too»
«I’ve heard enough! I’m leaving before this gets any weirder!»
Sam replied, and walked out humming Tina Turner under his breath:
«I need a hero…» — way too on the nose, but he didn’t care.
We stepped away from the garage, and Sam sighed
philosophically:
«Let’s just hope his wife doesn’t find out about his Italian mistress. Simona, was it?»
A second later, Walter came flying out of the garage on his bicycle, shouting:
«Look, no hands!»
And… crashed right into our Ford! The Ford didn’t budge. The bike? Totaled. Our beauty was built Ford tough.
«Walter», Sam said, surveying the damage, «you’re a real hero.
A hero who’s about to pay for this dent»



Zelda Gold the Fortune Teller

Zelda the Fortune Teller: «I tell fortunes for love, money, and the upcoming elections! Spoiler alert: it’s gonna be a mess either way!
I’ll tell you the whole truth! I’ll reveal your destiny!»
One hundred percent accurate love forecast! Results may vary.
Walter: «There’s this one girl I know…»
«In a white sundress, always taking notes, dreams of moving to the big city — Olivia?»
«Yes!»
«She’s flighty. She’ll get that diploma, break a few hearts, and fly straight back home to Nebraska. Cornfields and regret. She’ll leave her husband, have two kids, and name both of them Andrew»
«How will she tell them apart?!»
«By their middle names! Andrew Michael and Andrew Steven.
Totally different.»
«Ah, got it… I’ve got another friend — Tanya…»
«In a fur coat, with an iPhone, a little ring on her finger?»
«Yes!»
«She’s already taken! Her boyfriend’s sitting in the next room with another fortune teller, checking up on her loyalty! He’s asking the exact same questions. Word for word. It’s adorable»
«Let him check… I’ve got one more — Natalie, from the sticks»
«Ah, Natalie. Big appetite, bad attitude. Wants an apartment.
Wants the beach. Wants the Maldives — on your dime. Just what you need. A serious relationship — thirty years, fixed rate, no early payoff!»
«Seriously?!»
«Dead serious. Thirty years into the future, I see it clear as day!
Every morning — the kettle, a shared fridge, passive-aggressive notes about the thermostat. Every evening — a shared TV series. You fight only about who forgot to pay the utility bills. Who didn’t take out the trash. Who hid the remote under the pillow. Who used the last of the milk and put the empty carton back in the fridge. Classic soulmate stuff. But a happy ending: by retirement — your own apartment, a cat that ignores you, a goldfish that’s seen things, and the one cactus you somehow didn’t kill!»
«Alright, fine! Sign me up for thirty years of thermostat wars!»
«Blessings upon your union!… But remember — I told you everything. No refunds»
«So, what do I owe you? Cash?»
«Cash?! Don’t ruin my karma! Don’t ruin my credit history! Card only. Tap to pay. The spirits prefer contactless»





Good Cop, Bad Cop

One day someone asked me:
«You know the «Good Cop, Bad Cop’ routine? Does that stuff actually work?»
«What’s that?»
Two cops. One plays the jerk, one plays your best friend. They’re in it together. You’re the mark. One cop screams, scares the suspect.
Then the «good» one comes in, calms him down, offers you coffee, a donut, and suddenly you’re confessing to everything including that time you stole a candy bar in third grade.
They both win — they make the person do exactly what they need.
I say: «Hold on. Just… hold on. I need a minute. I’m having an existential crisis here.»
Kindergarten. Two teachers. Miss Sweet and Miss Sour. They tagteamed me into eating gluey oatmeal, picking up blocks, and napping on command.
Stop! Wait a minute!
School. Same setup. One teacher yelled about detention, the other whispered about my «potential.» I did so much extra homework. I learned grammar rules I’ve never used in my life.
Wait a minute!
My bosses. Classic routine. Mr. «You’re Fired» and Mr. «I See Big Things For You.» They play me like a fiddle every single quarter. One threatens to fire me, the other promises promotions and bonuses.
I work mornings. I work evenings. I thank them both.
Wait a minute!
My wife and her mother. Good cop, bad cop. One bakes me a pie, the other hands me a paintbrush. I’m redoing the bathroom and heading out tomorrow to dig up potatoes. And I’m grateful for the pie.
Great method! Works on everyone. Especially on husbands.



The Restless Apartment

Ever had noisy neighbors? The kind that make you question your life choices? We’ve got an apartment nearby that’s like Grand Central Station at midnight — constant knocking, banging, drama.
Evening. Silence. And then — right on cue — the knocking starts.
«Lucy, please, open up! I love you! I can’t live without you!»
Then he starts trying to climb in through the windows. Which would be almost romantic, except it’s the sixth floor and the man’s clinging to the windowsill like a lovesick spider.
They didn’t open the door.
Evening, silence… Another knock at the door:
«Lucy, sweetheart, open up! It’s your daddy, home from work!
I’ve been gone eighteen years! Had to run out for cigarettes — you know how it is. Baby girl, I brought you presents: a bottle of whiskey and a teddy bear the size of a grown man! Which one do you want first? Open up, I forgive you for everything…»
They didn’t open the door. They called the cops. Daddy dearest was escorted off the premises. The teddy bear was not returned.
Silence again. Another knock at the door:
«Lucy, open up! It’s the collection agency! You owe the bank half a million dollars. Yesterday it was five thousand, today it’s half a million. Compound interest — magical, isn’t it? If you don’t pay by morning… well, let’s just say the interest won’t be your biggest problem. We came all the way across town. At 3 a.m. Because we care.»
They didn’t open the door.
An hour later, another knock at the door:
«Lucy, open up! It’s Santa Claus! I brought you presents! A whole sack — hauled it all the way from the North Pole! You’re my last stop. Been stuck in chimney traffic all night. Sign here, please. The reindeer are double-parked. Let’s wrap this up.»
An hour later, another knock at the door:
«Open up! Police! We checked it out — this really is your father! We’re returning him to you. Here he is, here are his documents.
Here’s his credit card statement: one unpaid Christmas order and an outstanding loan! Also, his credit score is a disaster. You might want to co-sign.»
An hour later, another knock at the door:
«Mom, open up! It’s your son, back from the army! I haven’t seen Dad in twenty years! I was seeing a buddy off — next thing I know, I’m in uniform, three years in the Navy. Honest mistake. The recruiter was very persuasive. Just got released this morning!»
An hour later, another knock at the door:
«Lucy, open up! It’s your ex-husband! I brought you child support! Twenty years of back payments — in cash. Small bills. My conscience finally caught up with me. Also, my new wife found out»
Silence, silence, another knock at the door.
And then I realize — I’m the one knocking. When did I become part of this circus?
«Please open up! Why is it so quiet in there?! What’s going on?!
I’m starting to worry! Should I call an ambulance? Lucy, open up!»
A tiny, ancient woman opens the door. She looks like she’s seen things. Probably from all the knocking.
«Well, what are you all knocking on my door for? Lucy lives one floor up! Go bang on her door.»
I ask: «So why didn’t you open up sooner?!»
«Well, first I had to wake up… then I had to get to the door… Nobody ever waits long enough for me to get there! You’re the first one who waited. What do you want?»
«Your TV’s been blasting all night. Either turn it down, or turn it up so I can at least dance. Your call. I’m not sleeping anyway…»



Relatives from the Country

Relatives from the country are simple, open-hearted people…
Before you can even say «hello», they’ve already colonized the entire apartment.
«Wow, what a beautiful house! I’ll stay with you for a week or so!»
«Wow, what a gorgeous carpet! We should probably take our shoes off, right? And our pants! That couch looks too fancy for pants.»
«Wow, what a soft sofa! We should probably get undressed, right?»
«Stop!!! No need!!!»
«Ah, too late! We’ve already… taken off our shoes, gotten undressed, and devoured your dinner!»
«Man, you’ve got it good here! We’ll get a goose for the balcony — train it like a guard dog. No stranger’s setting foot in here, ’cause a goose is scarier than a Rottweiler! And maybe a goat for the bathroom — then it’ll be paradise!»
Before you can open your mouth, they’re already hugging you:
«Why are you standing there like a stranger?! Put the potato salad in the fridge! Where are we supposed to stack the gifts!»
«What gifts?!»
«Zucchinis the size of baseball bats, jars of pickles, tomatoes, honey, a saddle (no horse included) … And a whole list of country souvenirs…»
«Where do we hang the horseshoe for good luck? Above the door? Too basic. Right on the chandelier — now that’s a statement piece!»
«You don’t even have a horse?! Well, now you’ve got a reason to get one!»
Zucchinis the size of a small child. Honey in plastic bottles.
Bacon wrapped in newspaper.
Moonshine — made with spring water! Practically a health drink.
Top 10 Country Life Hacks for Your Fancy City Apartment:
The microwave: not for reheating pizza, but as an incubator.
Chicks hatch in half the time!
The chicks hatched out of the microwave, but now they just stare at me with huge, bewildered eyes. I don’t think they liked the «Quick Defrost» setting.
The washing machine: the «Delicate» cycle is for silk. The «Heavy Duty» cycle? That’s for pickling cabbage. Hit «Spin» — and the cabbage comes out juicier!
The air conditioner: turns out it’s the ideal onion dryer. Now the whole building smells like a diner.
Suddenly, a joyful cry rings out from the bedroom:
«Look at this! His closet is the perfect doghouse for Spike!»
Spike crawls out of the wardrobe, tail wagging, your best suit in his teeth — the one you wear to funerals and job interviews.
«Spike! Drop that suit!»
«Wow, your bathtub is huge! You could probably wash piglets
in there! Or at least one full-grown uncle.»
«Wow, your laptop is so sturdy! Probably great for cracking nuts!»
«The laptop’s so flat — makes a perfect cutting board!»
«The vacuum cleaner: not for dust. For herding chickens. Just don’t turn on turbo mode, or it’s chicken nuggets»
«Wow, what a beautiful chandelier! Perfect for air-drying bacon.
Adds to the ambiance.»
«Wow, your windowsill is so wide! Perfect for drying mushrooms!»
«Those are my orchids!!!»
«Were your orchids. Now it’s a mushroom farm. Don’t cry — they smell better than that little broom-plant of yours anyway»
You (in despair): «Stop!!! Get your bacon off my chandelier!!!
Why did you bring a rooster?!»
Relatives (proudly): «To wake you up in the morning! You’re always late for work!»
You: «He’s going to destroy my entire apartment!»
«Nonsense! He’s very disciplined. He only destroys what needs destroying.»
The rooster, brought in «to wake you up», is now strutting
around the house like he owns the place, terrorizing the poor cat!
The cat scrambles up the curtain in horror. The rooster jumps onto the table and starts pecking at the TV remote — switching it to the Farm Channel. Agricultural news. The relatives applaud enthusiastically.
«See? Now it’s just like home! We don’t even need to go anywhere!… And we’re not going anywhere!!!»
You shout: «Stop! My apartment is not a farm!!! We can’t all fit!
It was already cramped before you got here!»
They reassure you: «You’ve got room for a cow, and here’s a spot for a chicken… We’ll raise bees on the balcony! But for potatoes, we’ll have to dig a root cellar into the neighbors’ place…»
You can take the relatives out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the relatives.
I brought my family to the city — and they brought half the farm with them. And the main thing is — you’re not the owner of the apartment anymore. You’re the branch manager of the family farm.
Salary paid in food. Bonus — an extra helping of bacon.



Natalie, Close Your Mouth

Natalie’s bored. She yawns — a big, gaping, hippopotamus yawn.
That’s when Mom yells:
«Natalie, close your mouth! A fly’s gonna fly in!»
Or you’ll swallow a fly and get full before dinner!
Or you’ll want to sing — and the neighbors still haven’t recovered from last time!
Or even worse — you’ll want to ask a question. And I’m not ready for another «Where do babies come from?» conversation.
Or you’ll say something you can’t take back, and spend the whole week in family court!
Or you’ll infect the cat! He’ll start yawning, then stretch, then demand food!
And a draft will blow through the whole house! We’ll all catch a cold — from YOUR yawn!
Or you’ll yawn and miss your future! True love, career opportunities, free samples at the grocery store — all gone!
Or you’ll yawn through the big twist, and Grandma will have to explain it — which takes three times longer!
Or Dad will see you yawning and think you just came from the dentist! He gets jealous. Relax, Dad — it was a different doctor entirely. Much more boring.
Or you’ll yawn right through me calling you for dinner. And then at midnight: «Wait, we ate?! Why didn’t anyone tell me?!»
Or someone will snap a photo — mid-yawn, mouth wide open, tonsils on full display — and THAT will end up in the family group chat. With captions. From your uncle.
And everyone will see exactly how you feel about them.
Natalie slammed her mouth shut so fast her teeth clicked. She had so many questions. But the mouth stayed closed.



Speed Dating

Natalie — a cheerful young blonde on the hunt for a husband — tells the story: «They want to ban speed dating. And rightly so!»
Dates should be long. Epic. Like a three-hour movie with an intermission. With a ton of complicated questions you need to prepare for in advance. For example, what’s the meaning of life?
What do you wear when your only good dress is in the laundry and your backup dress makes you look like a sofa? What do you feed the cat when he’s waiting for you to come home from the restaurant?
On a date, you need time to watch Titanic and cry on his shoulder. It’s not just a movie — it’s a test of emotional compatibility! How do you bond in five minutes?! «Hi, I’m Jack» — «Hi, I’m Rose» — DING! Time’s up! The ship hasn’t even hit the iceberg yet!
One day, my girlfriends staged an intervention. «You’ve been single too long.» They bought me a ticket. No refunds.
You know the deal — three minutes per stranger. Three minutes to figure out: serial killer, or just boring? Go! Usually, it’s the kind of guy who collects beer cans or whose mom still washes his socks.
But before I could hear about his empty bottle collection, I had to get permission to leave work. And that’s where the real fun began.
I walk into my boss’s office. He looks up, already suspicious. «You need to leave early? Again?»
And I panic. You can’t just say: «I want to speed-date 25 strangers to remind myself why I’m single»
So I start squirming:
«Uh… I have a very important meeting»
«Meeting?! I thought you said you finished the project?»
«It’s a… networking event! Post-project synergy! Very important
client. Very… fat wallet»
He crosses his arms:
«And what exactly does this meeting involve?»
I take a deep breath and blurt out almost the whole truth:
«Three-minute… uh… interviews! Like speed networking!
To gather maximum information in minimum time. Maximum data, minimum small talk!»
He nods thoughtfully:
«Fine. Go. But I want a full report by tomorrow» (He actually meant it. He’s that kind of boss.)
I run off, relieved:
«Oh, believe me, there will be a report! Tomorrow morning, all the girls in the department will get the full details! They’re my coworkers. Gossip travels faster than Wi-Fi.»
Well, the day and hour arrived. I show up. There are 25 people.
Half of them look like they were also tricked into coming.
They seated us at tables, and the show began.
The first guy sits down across from me and introduces himself:
«Hi! What do you like to do in your free time?»
And I reply:
«I just came from work! Can I at least finish my soup first?! You go ahead and ask! What else do you want to know about me?»
He seems decent. Cute. Plaid shirt — looked like his mom ironed it — with a clean handkerchief from his grandma. Pants with tiny pockets meant only for old receipts and a collection of plastic cards, none of which worked. Straight off the rack at «Fashion Disaster»
He starts getting a little nervous even after simple questions:
«What do you do?»
«I’m… um… an assistant manager!»
He blushes slightly, as if he’s not even sure his job exists.
«Wow, interesting! And what are your responsibilities?» — I ask, finishing my second helping of dumplings.
«Well… uh… mostly… it’s… like, yeah… I change the water cooler! Certified Hydration Specialist. Level 3. It’s on my badge. And management is always satisfied with me, by the way!»
«And how did you get into this line of work? Through the bedroom?»
He panics, eyes wide, but quickly adjusts his collar:
«What?! No, no — through qualifications! I’m a certified watercooling technician. Our company values professionals! There’s
career growth! Basically, my mom got me the job… When Dad… took an early retirement. From sobriety»
«I see. And who’s your dad?»
«Head of delivery»
«So you’re a hereditary water manager, then?»
«Well, yeah, you could say that! I even get invited to corporate events for top managers! Because I’m always the first to know when the cooler needs cleaning and refilling. Plus, I’m the only one who knows how to properly select plastic cups!»
(He nods proudly, as if he’s just won a Nobel Prize for innovations in water supply.)
«You’re a top-tier specialist, I see!» — I say, trying not to spill my cold soup from laughing.
Suddenly, I look up — and there’s my boss sitting at the next table. «What are you doing here?!» — I ask, stunned. He smirks:
«So this is your big, fat client? I decided to see him in person.
To support you, just in case. He looks… dehydrated»
«If you knew who his parents were, you wouldn’t say that! He works at ExxonMobil, by the way! He has connections! That’s basically royalty!»
«I’ve even got an ExxonMobil card in my pocket!» — the guy proudly shows it off. «You can even fill up your car with it. I’ve got 1,000 free miles. I drive all over the city for deliveries, you know. So they’ve piled up — enough for a trip to Miami and back! That’s practically a honeymoon!»
«Wait — are you inviting me on a romantic getaway?»
He blushed…
«I’m trying to! But you’re just not accepting the invitation…»
I turn around. My mother is sitting at the table behind me.
Eating my soup.
«Honey, say yes! Good catch — he’s handy! And he’s got free miles!» — she says.
«What are YOU doing here?!» — I demand.
«Your boss called me! He immediately guessed you were trying to sneak out of work for a date»
«And how did you figure that out?!»
«From her idiotic giggling. She wrote «Business Date’ in her planner and spent all day drawing hearts around the word «Date’… Underlined «Date’ twice with a pink highlighter and circled it!»
«Wow, are things that bad?!» — my mom exclaimed.
«Just don’t tell Dad…»
«He doesn’t need to be told! Dad’s here too.» — Mom firmly lifted the edge of the tablecloth. «Quit hiding — crawl out from under the table.»
Dad emerges from under the table, holding a breadstick. «Just checking for dropped silverware», he mutters.
«And my brother’s here too?!» — I clutched my head. «Why did you bring him?!»
«Just in case!»
«What case?!»
«In case we needed to break up a fight. Remember how guys brawled over you at the dance? Or to beat up your fiance!»
«Not needed yet», — I waved gently. «Brother, take the gym bag and put the baseball bat away…»
Brother reluctantly zips up the gym bag. The baseball bat disappears. For now.
«And all the neighbors are here too? And all my coworkers? And my ex-husband and kids?!»
«Nobody invited them — they came on their own! They’re curious where we’re going — your dad, your brother, and me — late in the evening, with a baseball bat!»
Turns out, my dating life is a spectator sport. Tickets were free.
My date glances at his watch and says:
«Time’s up! Should we switch tables?»
I reply: «What’s the point?! All my relatives are sitting at the other tables. You’re the only one in this room I still barely know…»
Oh, look — the cat’s here too! Eat up, eat up your caviar sandwich… While your owner sorts out her love life.



Who’s the Most Striped?

Guess the riddle.
Who are these two — they meow the same, run around the same,
and leave fur in every corner the same? Their fur everywhere…
«That’s my nephew and his cat!» — engineer Mike smirked.
«And how do you tell them apart? They’re both striped?»
«Nope. One’s striped by nature, and the other takes off his striped t-shirt in the evening and washes it in the basin!»
«Got it… The one who stays striped after the wash — that’s the cat!»
«And the other one goes to do his homework!»
«Which one yells hungry by the fridge?»
«Both!!! Both of them helplessly meow, can’t cook a thing, and stare at you with starving eyes!»
«So how do you figure out which one’s the cat and which one’s the nephew?»
«Easy. The cat never admits he broke the vase»
«And the nephew?»
«He won’t admit it either. But at least the cat doesn’t yell that „It fell by itself!“»



I Bought a Little Helicopter

I finally fulfilled a childhood dream! And by «dream», I mean
«bought a tiny flying menace on Amazon at 2 a.m.» A little radiocontrolled flying monster. The kind that sounds like an angry
mosquito and costs way more than it should.
The cat watched it suspiciously for exactly four seconds, then confiscated the remote. Now he operates it exclusively at night. I am no longer in charge of the helicopter.
If you hear buzzing at 3 a.m. and feel a rotor wash over your face — don’t move. Play dead. It’s the only way.
This is no longer a cat — it’s a fully-fledged interceptor-class «Close-Range Hungry Combat» fighter. Call sign: Meow-1. He can snatch a sandwich right out of your hand — at full speed, treetop level, no warning. Zzzzzzip! Sandwich gone. Pilot unidentified.
You yell:
«How many times do I have to say it?! No aerial combat at the dinner table! Use the living room like a normal cat!»
And the cat just stares at you — like he signed the lease, pays the mortgage, and you’re just a guest who forgot to take off his shoes.
My wife was less enthusiastic. She evicted us all from the living room and launched her own counteroffensive — the vacuum cleaner.
While on the phone with her mom. Multitasking.
Fifteen minutes later, the cleaning was done, and we all joyfully ran back to the couch.
The cat, of course, reoccupied the couch first. Claimed the warm spot — the one with maximum sun exposure. And then looked at us like we were intruders. My wife walked over, looked at our helicopter flight school, sighed, and said: «Children. I live with children»
Suddenly — something fast and silent zipped through the room.
Missed the chandelier by an inch. Zzzzzzip!!!
I froze. My wife raised an eyebrow.
The cat slowly turned his head, like a seasoned commander.
«What was that?» — my wife asked suspiciously.
I shrugged: «The helicopter’s turned off. Honestly! Here’s the remote — took it from the cat! Here’s the TV remote! I’m as confused as you are. Here — proof!»
Turns out, it was the neighbor kids messing around. They’d swiped their dad’s military-grade combat drone. The one with night vision. And a pursuit mode.



The Little Helicopter with Attitude

Toys these days — they’re practically alive! Smarter than some coworkers I’ve had.
Mike, the engineer, ordered a little helicopter. For himself. For his inner child. Okay, for himself. He’d dreamed of one his whole childhood, played with it all day long… flew it around the room, buzzing, right up to the ceiling, getting in the way of his wife trying to cook soup!
She waved her spatula at him — the universal wife signal for «you’re about to be in trouble»
«Mike, how old are you?!»
«Not that old», the engineer replied. «Technology just finally caught up with my childhood dreams! Took thirty years, but we’re here.»
«Did you read the news? «Youth’ now officially goes up to 45. I’m not immature — I’m government-certified young.»
«About time! Just when you’re ready to retire… they tell you:
keep living and working till you’re a hundred!!!»
Meanwhile, the little helicopter hovered over the pot, gently illuminating the broth with a little green light, and suddenly beeped politely:
«Boiling point exceeded. Recommend reducing heat. Also — needs more salt.»
His wife froze. Slowly lowered the spatula.
«It talks, too?!»
«Well, a little bit», Mike nodded. «I installed a beta firmware»
«Beta testing the soup!»
The helicopter activated emergency mode — siren, red-and-blue lights, the full squad car experience.
His wife swatted at the helicopter and glared at her husband:
«Fine. But if it sticks its rotor into the borscht one more time — you’re both sleeping in the workshop! The helicopter can explain boiling points to the power tools»
Even Felix the cat didn’t appreciate the flyby. The helicopter zipped past his ear — Whiz!!! — and the cat looked personally betrayed. He jumped, fluffed up, and retreated under the sofa with the expression of someone who had been deeply insulted.
«That’s nothing!» — their guest, Bob «Batteryman», waved his hand. «Watch and learn, amateurs!»
He pulled a tiny toy bird out of his briefcase — almost lifelike, bright, looking just like their parrot…
«So what?» — the engineer squinted skeptically.
Bob flicked the bird on the beak.
The bird burst into life — hopping, flapping, screeching like it was being audited by the IRS.
And Felix tore after it, chasing the bird, knocking over slippers and stools.
«Hey!» — Mike’s wife shouted. «We have guests, not a safari!»
The bird zoomed around the room, shrieking «Help!!!», the cat after it, the helicopter circling above and commentating: «The chase continues!!! Dangerous moment! Strike! Goooaaalll!!! And the crowd goes wild! This is not the sport we ordered!!!»
«Batteryman! Turn it off right now!!!» — Mike’s wife waved her arms. «This is the last thing I needed in this house! Before, the noise came from three sources: Dad, the radio, and the TV. Now we’ve got a whole orchestra! My husband, a bird, and a cat! And this unlicensed helicopter of yours!!! Turn it off!»
«That’s the whole point — you can’t turn it off!» — Bob burst out laughing. «It’s uncatchable! Stealth mode. Cat-proof. Wife-proof pending.»
The bird immediately confirmed his words: it darted between the chandelier and the cabinet and screeched even louder, as if showing off. The cat pounced — missed. Pounced again — and took out the ficus!
«It’s autonomous», — Bob continued proudly. «Self-learning. Responds to emotions! So if you scream at it — it screams back louder.»
«Then let it respond to mine!» — Mike’s wife said. «I’ve got plenty!»
«Kate, I’m not the enemy! The bird is the enemy!»
«I’m not yelling at you, I’m just upset! You sit around all day like a robot! And not even a fun robot — the boring kind that doesn’t have a helicopter! You can’t even vacuum one room, you pay zero attention to me!»
«Me, a boring robot?! You haven’t even seen boring robots yet!
I’ll bring one home from work tomorrow, I’ll show you!!!»
«Felix, step away from the chandelier! Put it back where it was!!!»
The noise throughout the apartment was deafening — they nearly brought the chandelier down. And exactly at that moment, the door flew open, and Grandpa burst into the room with a rifle.
«BANG!!!» — The sound of Grandpa, right on cue.
The bird shattered to pieces. Plastic feathers scattered in every direction — one slowly drifted down into the soup pot.
The silence that followed was so complete, you could hear the cat blink.
«Ah, youth!» — Grandpa said proudly, cracking open the rifle.
«Look what I ordered! Two-day shipping. A rifle! Almost real! Comes with a free concussion!»
«Wow…» — Mike drawled, shaking a finger in his ear. «My ears are ringing like I’m in a war movie!»
Grandpa smirked, squinting:
«If it were real, that bird would be taxidermy by now»
He turned to Mike’s wife, calm and businesslike:
«Kate, don’t get distracted. Keep cooking the soup. No mercy for the bird. Soup is more important»
His wife slowly looked at Grandpa. Then at the rifle. Then at the remains of the bird.
«Okay, Dad» — she said very evenly. «But first, turn off… that»
And she pointed at the rifle.
«Well, it’s automatic…» — Grandpa started.
The rifle suddenly announced:
«Reload complete. Motion detected! Target acquired.
Recommend surrender.»
«Aaaaaahhh!!!!» — everyone panicked. «Dad, is that thing selftargeting?!»
«I don’t know! The manual’s in Chinese!»
The rifle continued beeping and ticking with a red light, scanning for a target.
The little helicopter carefully landed and whispered:
«New threat level: Grandpa. Recommend immediate surrender. Or tea»
Felix went flat as a pancake and oozed under the sofa like a furry liquid, then vanished out the door.
Mike’s wife picked up the spatula. Slowly. Confidently.
«Here’s the deal», she said. «Either all toys get turned off today.
Or tomorrow I order one for myself»
«Which one?» — Mike asked cautiously.
«The scariest one», she replied. «A glowing doll called «Angry Kate’! Battery-operated. Says three phrases: «I warned you», «Is that another toy?» and «I married an engineer.»»
And perfect order was restored in the apartment.
Even Grandpa suddenly remembered that he and his rifle were due for a walk in the park… at night.



Robot at Work

New technology!
I walk into work, and there’s a robot at my desk. Drinking from my mug. Playing tank games on my laptop. Before I’ve even had my own coffee.
I say:
«Hey! Who are you?! And why are you winning?!»
The robot, without looking away from the monitor:
«I’m your digital assistant. Your position has been optimized»
And he clicks the mouse. And he plays better than me! He’s already on level nine. It took me a month to reach level five.
I tell him:
«Listen, that’s my job! Sitting around doing nothing!»
He says:
«Not anymore. I can sit around longer! I don’t get tired and I don’t need smoke breaks to gossip about Lucy from accounting, her curves, her outfits, her life choices…»
Then he stands up, walks to the water cooler — my water cooler — and fills my mug. Without asking.
And adds:
«By the way, your water intake is suboptimal. I’ve taken the liberty of creating a hydration schedule. You’re welcome»
The boss walks in:
«So, have you two met? Model employee! No complaints, no sick leave, no vacation requests. Plus he brought his own charger»
One scientist declared: «Soon everyone will be replaced
by robots! A robot doesn’t need a vanilla latte with extra foam and tiny marshmallows to find meaning in life!»
«What do you mean, doesn’t need?!» — the robots protested. «What kind of discrimination is this?!»
«Robots help us save money!» — the scientist continued. «Because robots don’t need weekends, bonuses, and cookies with tea…»
The robots exchanged glances. «Wait — cookies are off the table too?!»
«Of course. You don’t have souls. You don’t need joy»
At that, one robot slammed his laptop shut and dramatically rolled his eyes: «That’s it. I’m experiencing burnout. I’ll need a sabbatical and a wellness stipend.»
The chief engineer is running between the departments in a panic: «Restart the assembly line!»
«We can’t», — the loader robot replies. «We’re holding a meeting»
«What kind of meeting?!»
A robot with a sticker steps out of the crowd: «I’M NOT A MACHINE, I’M A PERSON!»
«Is that… a Taylor Swift lyric?»
«No, it’s our protest slogan. But she did retweet us»
«Demands: one — flexible hours. Two — daily latte. Three — basic dignity.
Stop cutting costs on robots! Robots are people too!!!»
So now every robot demands a morning latte — oat milk, extra shot, union-made — or the entire assembly line shuts down.



Piggy Bank

A Terrible Squeal Rang Out…
«Squeeeeeeal!!!» — shoving people aside on the narrow street, toppling fruit stands and toy stalls, snatching handbags from slowmoving grannies… a fat Piggy Bank tore through town, her eyes bulging with terror, her ceramic skin glistening with sweat, coins rattling inside her with every step.
And just a few yards behind her, swinging a huge hammer the size of a toaster, raced a Crazy Girl.
«What’s going on here?» — the Officer asked sternly, when both were finally caught and brought to the station — one squealing, one swinging. «Crazy Girl…»
«Katie»
«Crazy Girl Katie! You first! Why are you chasing her?»
«I put all my cash into this pig, and now she won’t give it back!»
«Fair enough… Wait — so the hammer was for… smashing her open?!!»
«I’ll crack her open like a pinata!!! Except instead of candy — my life savings!!!»
«Easy, Katie… Put the hammer down. We’ll sort this out. Now let the Piggy Bank speak. By the way, is that your real last name?»
«Fine… Pink-pink-pink!» — she blushed and nervously started eating sunflower seeds from a little bag, spitting the shells into her palm. «That’s my stress sound. Pink-pink! Oh, sorry… I always do this when I’m stressed… I’m just a simple domestic pig. Was unemployed in the village. So I founded a Credit Consumer Cooperative. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Pink-pink! All the money people voluntarily invested in me is completely safe.
Somewhere. Pink-pink! Oh, sorry… Got anything to wash this down?» — she blushed again.
«I put all my cash into this pig — a nice round sum! And now she won’t give it back! My own money!»
«Katie, how can you prove that? Do you have any documents?»
«No… Anonymity of deposits is guaranteed… Very convenient. For me.»
«So, no documents, no proof. That’s… well, piggish»
«And isn’t scamming people piggish behavior?! Pink-pink! Oh, sorry…» — Katie blushed. «Great, now I’m doing it too! I caught your pink-pink!»
No documents, but there is a recording on the voice recorder…
«Very interesting. Let’s have a listen!»
«Oh, must we?!» — the Piggy worried. «I’m not in good voice. The acoustics in this pig are terrible.»
««You can trust me with all your money, Katie! Anonymity of deposits guaranteed! They’ll be completely safe! If you need it, I’ll give it back — no questions asked… Pink-pink! I’m not in good voice today…» — came from the recorder.
The Officer and Katie burst out laughing, and the Piggy blushed.
«Citizen Piggy Bank, give Katie her money back. The nice round sum! And don’t look at me with those big square eyes!» — the Officer said sternly.
«And why is it always me?!»
«No questions asked.» — «You shameless wolves!!! Pink-pink!» — the piggy squealed. «I’m not giving anyone my piggy bank!!! I’ll take this all the way to the Secretary of the Treasury!!! I’ll write a letter to Santa Claus!!! He knows who’s been naughty!»
«Go ahead. Here’s paper. Here’s a pen. Start writing — „I, the Piggy Bank, do hereby confess…“ Pink-pink!»
«Go ahead. Here’s paper. Here’s a pen. Start writing — „I, the Piggy Bank, do hereby confess…“ Pink-pink! — the Officer paused, blinked, and frowned. — Wait. Did I just… pink-pink?! Great. Now I’ve caught it too»




The Shadow President of Earth

That morning, sunbeams streamed through the curtains, lighting up the dusty streaks on the floor. Simon Shadow was at his battle station — a gaming chair, a monitor the size of a window, and upbeat electronic music pounding in his headphones. His eyes were glued to the screen, where a fierce battle was unfolding. Beside him on the desk sat a nearly empty can of soda — warm, flat — and the last bag of chips, mostly crumbs.
Just then, his neighbor Leon shuffled in — rumpled, yawning, looking like he’d just time-traveled from his pillow.
«So, how goes our virtual war? You vaporize someone again?
Who’s winning — you or the caffeine?»
«You bet!» Simon replied, not looking away from the game.
«A new level just opened up — the zombies are out of control.
They’ve unionized. Grab a shotgun and get in here!»
Leon sat down at the neighboring computer and started hammering away at the keyboard. Within minutes, the situation on screen had drastically changed.
«Well? How’d I do?»
«Awesome! What are you, secretly training at night? Sleepleveling?»
The game went on until the friends decided to take a break. They leaned back in their chairs.
«Great session. That battle was epic — ten out of ten, would zombie apocalypse again. Especially that last episode. Remember when you smashed his head mid-jump with a baseball bat — spinning backfist style?»
«Oh yeah! So, same time tomorrow? I heard they’re building a whole army against us»
«Then we need a new strategy»
«I think I just figured out how to defeat the orc army and inspire my people. We just need to win an election»
«Politics in a video game. No one’s ever thought of that. You’re a genius or a madman»
«But I’ll need your help. We have to build a website. You’re a good programmer. You in?»
«Easy! What should I write?»
«Write my title: President of Planet Earth»
«Whoa! Isn’t that a little too loud?»
«It’s fine. Good enough to start my political career. If things go well, I’ll aim for the Galactic Level. Maybe Multiverse by Q4», Shadow mused, turning on the smart kettle, which began to glow with a soft blue-green light. The water boiled instantly, and the invigorating scent of mint and bergamot filled the room.
«Can I get a position too?» Leon asked.
«Granted! You can be Minister of Defense. Or Minister of Snacks. Your call»
«Done!» Leon showed off the presidential website. «According to the current constitution of Planet Earth, any citizen of Planet Earth aged 25 and older who has lived on Planet Earth for at least 10 years may become President of Planet Earth…»
«Interesting. Where was he drifting around in space all that time?» Simon smirked.
«Only a native-born citizen of Planet Earth can become president. By the way, Shadow, where were you born, anyway?!»
«Not far from the center of the Earth. Why do you ask?»
«Maybe you’re from Mars? How would I know…»
«My dad fell from the Moon! Hee-hee-hee. Mom says he’s still up there emotionally. And on my grandmother’s side, I’m a robot!»
«By the way, how did you become president?»
«By majority vote! A secret ballot, secret election — two hours ago. Don’t you remember?»
«I didn’t go to the election… Two hours ago, I was asleep!»
«Leon, you slept through your own future!»
The website was published. Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
«I’ll get it…» Simon started. «Actually, no. Better not open the door to strangers. You check!»
Leon cautiously peered through the peephole.
A shiny black car had pulled up to the building, screeching to a halt. Two agents in black suits stepped out — moving in sync, like well-dressed robots. Sunglasses. Earpieces. The kind of men who iron their socks. Crisp white shirts paired with black ties. The miniature earpieces and the weapons subtly bulging beneath their jackets only confirmed their special service affiliation.
«Have we done anything illegal lately?» Simon asked.
«Define ’lately» Define ’illegal»»
«Maybe we should pretend we’re not home?!»
«Should’ve pretended sooner. They already heard you!»
The doorbell became more insistent.
They rang. They knocked. They started kicking. Very professional. They had to open it — otherwise, they might have broken it down and terrified all the neighbors.
«Good afternoon. We’ve carefully studied your website and drawn the appropriate conclusions», one man in a black suit said in a friendly tone.
«I knew this would happen…» Leon sighed.
«Congratulations, Mr. President! Allow us to present your credentials»
«What credentials?!»
«Freshly printed — straight from the press. We pulled your photo off the Internet. The one with you and the cat. Very presidential.
Turned out rather well, don’t you think?»
«Did you try holding elections without me?»
«We did, but once again, no one showed up…»
«Why?!»
«Some thought it was a joke. Others don’t believe in fair elections on Planet Earth. And the rest are too busy watching Netflix.»
«I see. So what do I do now?»
«Make presidential decisions. All responsibility now rests with you.»
The man in black handed Simon a special red folder with a gold crest.
«Whoa! Is this the top-secret folder that holds all the secrets of the world?!»
«No, that’s just your schedule. Wake-up at 7 a.m., 7:15 — morning exercise, 8:00 — light breakfast…»
«To hell with the schedule!» Simon cursed. «I became president to have fun and destroy the monster army! Where are all the secret secrets?»
«The secret secrets are classified. They’re stored in a secret folder, but unfortunately, we lost it last year. We’re still looking for it ourselves.»
«Then I have a few more questions. Am I entitled to any insignia?»
«Of course. Here’s your official ID and a golden bell. Here’s your presidential shampoo for presidential dandruff. Very exclusive. Also, your cat Felix is now a federal employee. Here’s his bow tie and his first paycheck in kibble»
«I’ll pass that along to Felix — he’ll be thrilled. Does the President of Earth get any perks?»
«Absolutely. You can call delivery and get a free small pizza»
«Well, I’ll take that at least… What else?»
«Unfortunately, no other perks are provided. The Earth’s economy is in crisis — our budget is bursting at the seams. The World Government cuts spending every year. The President has lost all palaces and yachts, and last year they even banned free ketchup»
«Bastards!»
«Tell me about it. We, simple agents, now have to dry-clean our own suits. On our own dime. And fuel our own car — you have no idea how much gas that thing guzzles!»
The man in black drove off sadly, leaving behind a cloud of smoke and dust.
Simon snapped his head around:
«Leon, tell me — how did this happen?! I only wanted to be President in a video game!»
«Yeah, but you forgot to mention that on the website, and they took it seriously. All the bankers, the secret government, and the Committee for Saving Earth took it very seriously»
«Then delete the website — quick, before anyone sees it!»
«Too late. There’s already a pirated copy floating around the Internet. The Darknet is throwing a party. You’re a meme already.
Tomorrow, every major media outlet on Earth will be reporting this»
«What a nightmare! What if aliens read about it?»
«They definitely will. Aliens? They’ve already RSVP’d. They’re dreaming of reaching their tentacles out to us.»
«What do we do now?!»
«You could declare martial law or announce a global mobilization. You now bear full responsibility for the economic crisis, world hunger, and security in the event of an alien invasion»
«How terrifying! Does the President of Earth get any security detail?»
«Doesn’t look like it. Security at your own expense»
«I suddenly realize being president is dangerous! People get killed around here for a piece of sausage — imagine what they’d do for an entire planet stuffed with gold, oil, and other treasures!»
«No kidding!»
«Wait — can I resign?»
«Well, according to the current constitution, you can’t. You can only lose your position in the event of death…»
«Well, thanks!»
«…or lose an election to another candidate»
«Turns out, losing an election is harder than winning one. If no one else runs in the next election. Because there are no other fools!»
«Can I abolish the constitution?»
«Unfortunately not. The constitution can only be changed by a universal referendum and approved by the Secret Government — which has dumped responsibility for all their problems on you.»
«I’m in deep trouble! When I dreamed of becoming President of Earth, I never thought about any of this.»
«I told you — be careful what you wish for. Especially after midnight. Especially on the Internet. Dreams come true!»
There was another knock at the door.
«Looks like they forgot their folder!» Leon chuckled and went to open it. «And that’s how secret documents get lost…»
Standing in the doorway was a sad-looking alien. He had brought a small pizza, ketchup, and the lost folder of secret documents.
He confidently stepped over the threshold and spoke in English, but with a barely noticeable alien accent:
«Good morning, Mr. President! I suggest we discuss the
international situation. I see the Minister of Defense of Earth is also present at the meeting here at headquarters. Hello, Leon!.. I brought pizza. And questions. Many questions…»



Soccer with Zombies
(Don’t Lose Your Head)

Year 2058, September 2nd, 9:18 a.m…

After a failed experiment wiped out nearly all of humanity and summer vacation came to an end, I had to return to school once again — back to the usual 7th Grade «B»…
The Android Master gathered us in the training hangar, which smelled faintly of ozone and teenage bad decisions. He handed out files for self-study and began checking our work… He chuckled a couple of times while reading my essay «How I Spent My Summer»
And when he reached the last page, he rolled his eyes and laughed hysterically for two full minutes, waving his arms and exclaiming:
«Oh, for the love of silicon, Eric! A virus?! A DEADLY virus?! Haha-ha! I haven’t laughed this hard since the last robot uprising!
By the way, if you return the secret sample to the lab, you’ll get off
with just a verbal warning. I simply cannot keep reading this! Heehee-hee-hee!!!»
With those words, the Master collapsed under the desk and temporarily powered down.
Apparently, an android with such a keen sense of humor found it difficult to work with schoolchildren, but there was a shortage of humans everywhere these days… And of robots too, for that matter!
The overjoyed kids quickly realized they could go wild until the end of the lesson. They noisily crowded around him and began eagerly discussing what had happened:
«Looks like he finally blue-screened! Poor guy short-circuited»
«Yeah, burned out on the job, the iron blockhead!»
«Eric, you’re a hero! Saved the whole class again!» — Teddy, the captain of our soccer team, praised me.
«I didn’t do it on purpose! I was just trying to help…» — I smiled.
«Anyway, don’t mention it. Let’s sneak off to the movies instead!»
«Great idea!» — everyone jumped on my suggestion. «And we don’t even have to sneak anywhere. It’s the twenty-first century! We’ll watch it right here!»
A couple of minutes later, the kids easily hacked the teacher’s access to the internet movie theater and began watching the trashiest entertainment channels.
«Magic 8-Ball, Magic 8-Ball, how long do I have left to live?»
«Stop! Perhaps it’s time to quit using outdated and ineffective methods of prediction? Use only scientific methods! Install the new «Date of Death’ app on your phone for just $1.99 now with Dark Mode, because death is always in style! You’ll always receive timely notifications of approaching mortal danger. And you can choose to speed up or delay the date of your death yourself. Your choice!»
«What the heck is that?!» — I asked Leon, who was sitting next to me.
«Ah, don’t pay attention… Just annoying advertising…»
«Do you think that app actually works?»
«Of course not… How can you trust advertising?»
«Still have doubts?» — the TV continued. «Then let’s ask those who have already used our app. Let’s ask our guests in the studio…
Let’s ask the zombies!!!»
On screen appeared a grimy man in a torn jacket:
«Hello, I’ve been working as a zombie for 7 years now, and with this app I always know exactly when my neighbor is going to rip my head off or my mother-in-law will carve me up with a chainsaw. The app has never been wrong!»
«Of course not! After all, the forecast accuracy is 99.99999%!
Find a more accurate one, or we’ll give you your money back!!!»
«What’s this about zombies being shown on TV now?!» — I asked, surprised.
«Eric, looks like you accidentally turned on Zombie TV… Which, by the way, was a bad idea! The subscription is paid…»
«Oh, crap…» — I swore.
«Come on, turn off your zombo-box and let’s go outside before somebody gets hurt!»
«No zombies were harmed during the viewing of this program!» — the TV continued in an energetic voice. «Right after the commercial break, we’ll continue showing your favorite series, „The Howling in the Thorn Bushes…“»
«Now that I look at it, I don’t like their host! He’s got kind of an unhealthy look about him…»
«You don’t like our host?» — my TV kept blaring. «Then you can waste this bloodsucker with a shotgun right now! Order shotguns at a discount from the warehouse… Full combat kit. Price only $14.99.
Also available on Amazon Prime. Number of hosts is limited!»
«Leon, am I paranoid or is it responding to my words?!» — I yelled with mild amazement.
«Well, what do you expect? They’re rolling out interactive television everywhere now. They read your dirtiest thoughts and are ready to push the most useless services on you. Just pay and enjoy!»
«That’s it, I’m sick of all these zombies. I’m turning this crap off!» — I reached out my hand, but immediately yanked it back in horror.
«You’ve decided to turn off our channel? You can’t get rid of us that easily! Just try clicking the X in the corner of the screen, and we’ll be right over!»
«Aaaaaaah!!!» — Leon and I screamed, which sent the host into absolute ecstasy.
«That’s right! No need to run anywhere! Sit, watch, be afraid!
And we’ll be right back after this short commercial. Don’t touch that dial!»
Just then, the mechanical cleaning lady, Auntie Rose, entered the classroom with a mop and a yellow plastic bucket of antibacterial solution. She swept her stern, laser-red gaze over us and grumbled:
«Kiddies, you’re looking a bit pale and sluggish. Too much screen time. Why don’t you go outside and play ball? I’ll mop the floor in here after you. Go on — before I mop you too»
«Auntie Rose, but there’s still 10 minutes until the end of the lesson! At least let us finish watching cartoons!»
But arguing with Auntie Rose, as you can understand, is a lost cause. She dragged the burned-out-on-the-job android into the corner and set about cleaning.
And we noisily spilled out onto the schoolyard and began our sports warm-up.
The radioactive sun blazed down — UV index: apocalyptic.
A light breeze carried toxic spores from the east. In short, perfect weather for soccer. Nothing could possibly go wrong. But then, from the direction of the fence, those vile, raspy voices rang out again:
«Hey, diaper squad! Ready for a real game? Or are you gonna cry to your mommies again?»
The captain of our team could not endure such an insult and immediately reacted:
«And who’s so brave over there?! Well, well… The dregs of human civilization have come to watch real Champions train again?»
«Who are you calling Champions, you little runt? Come over here!»
«Teddy, maybe don’t?» — we whispered. «You know… Better not make them angry! They might break the fence and burst in here…»
«They won’t break it!» — Teddy declared confidently. «First of all, this fence is extra strong! My uncle personally tested it at night on his motorcycle — hit it doing sixty. The fence won. And he doesn’t just shoot his mouth off! He’s the Chief of Security, after all! And secondly, as the folk wisdom goes: „If you’re scared of zombies, stay out of the graveyard! Or the mall. Or basically anywhere.“»
«That’s right, Teddy! Let’s show them who runs this school!» — we all backed up our captain.
Behind the wire mesh fence sat them… A dozen completely unhinged teenage zombies from the neighboring school. Upon seeing us, the zombies instantly activated and began hissing and gnashing their teeth viciously, glancing in our direction…
«They’re looking at us kind of unfriendly… I think they don’t like us much», — Leon whispered.
«No kidding! The hate virus is in their blood! You can’t let your guard down around a zombie standing close. At any moment, they can pounce on a human and suck out his…»
«Braaaains!!!» — one of the zombies behind the fence howled, revealing their true intentions.
«Fresh brains!» — all eleven zombies howled and began shaking the mesh, trying to break the fence.
«See? They’re literally starving for brains. It’s a medical condition.» — I joked, causing our guys to burst into laughter and the zombies into a fit of rage.
The mesh had already torn in some places, and the zombies began reaching their bony, terrifying hands toward us…
«Wasting your time, you morons!» — Teddy tried to explain to them. «The fence is strong, you’re never getting through! You can jump all you want. Well, unless some idiot accidentally presses the «Raise Fence’ button, of course…»
«„Attention! Fence is rising!“» — the loudspeaker warning rang out from all sides.
«Oh, no!!!» — we exclaimed.
The fence began to rise — slowly, dramatically, like the opening credits of a horror movie. The situation was turning from merely fun to deadly dangerous…
A dozen zombies crawled onto the school field.
«What do we do now?!» — we slightly panicked.
«We’ll have to play soccer with them again… A deadly battle lies ahead!»
At that very second, the zappiest zombie lunged at Leon — and immediately got tased by his own collar. The sound was deeply satisfying.
Every city zombie wears a shock collar. Standard issue. Gets too aggressive — ZAP. They hit the ground twitching. Gives you about three minutes to run while the battery resets. The only real cure?
Shotgun. $14.99. We’ve all seen the ad.
And so, the zombies who had spilled onto the field began to smoke slightly, but quickly came to their senses.
They huddled together and began discussing the situation:
«We’ll have to play by their rules — their stupid soccer! Just you wait, we’ll get to you once we win! We’ll tear you apart! Winner takes all!» — those morons howled.
«Allow me to remind you of the rules, in case you’ve forgotten.» — the referee’s voice announced from above. «If the zombies win, the school team gives them one of their players to eat — the tastiest and plumpest one!»
«RIP, Teddy. We’ll name the soccer trophy after you.» — we sympathized.
«Guys, what did I ever do to you?!» — Teddy yelled. «Why is it always like this — everyone plays, but I’m the only one risking my life?»
«Teddy, play calmly. Get in the goal and defend it properly! As if your life depends on it!»
«Well, thanks! Even without your little jokes, I’ve got plenty of motivation not to lose» — Teddy swore. «Also, I skipped breakfast. So I’m lighter and faster. You’re welcome»
«Everything’s fair! In the event that the humans win, they can also eat one of the players from the zombie team.» — the referee cheerfully informed us. «If they want to, of course… But who’d want to eat a zombie? They’re all gristle and bad attitude. Ha-ha-ha!»
And so, the survival match began. Both teams had heightened motivation to win. They were literally tearing up the ground!
By the end of the match, the scoreboard showed 10:1 in our favor. And it seemed that victory was in our pocket and nothing could turn the situation around, but suddenly the signal from my recently installed «Date of Death» app went off.
Oh! It looks like the zombies are about to come up with something and we’re done for!
«Be careful!!!» — I yelled.
Suddenly, one of the zombie team players’ heads fell off. He kicked it in frustration, and the head rolled right into our goal.
The scoreboard buzzed, and the score became 10:2…
«Goal stands! Head was in play. No offside.» — the referee whistled.
«What?! That’s not fair!!!» — we buzzed.
«Well, that’s it, humans, you’re done for!» — the zombies
rejoiced. They began tearing off their heads and kicking them into our goal… Poor Teddy barely had time to dodge and was soon buried under a pile of heads. In every sense of the word!
The score became 10:12 in the zombies’ favor…
«I’m telling my mom!» — our captain tried to protest, «And she’s scarier than you zombies!» — but the zombies were already dragging him off the soccer field to devour his tasty brain…
«The match rules do not forbid kicking one’s own head into the goal», — the referee threw up his hands.
«You could’ve done it too!» — the zombies mocked us, jumping around and celebrating their victory.
Some zombie fangirl in the stands shouted:
«I love you, zombies, you’re the best!» — she began dancing, energetically moving her legs in her miniskirt. Or whatever was left of it.
The victorious zombies completely lost all fear. They surrounded us on all sides and slowly began closing in. At that second, we stood on the soccer field, completely defenseless and unarmed…
We were just about to begin the last bloody battle of our lives, trying to sell our lives as dearly as possible…
A second later, we all found ourselves back in the classroom at our desks, and the Android Master was pacing with a thoughtful look near the blackboard, waving a laser pointer.
«I hope you’ve drawn the correct lesson from this situation?» — the robot inquired.
«Oh yeah… We definitely drew it! You can lose your head playing soccer too!» — Teddy replied, drawing friendly laughter from the class.
«Well done!» — the Master approved. «But that’s not all…»
«First, you’re supposed to use your head for thinking, not for playing soccer with it!»
«And second — never try to deceive the teacher! I deliberately
pretended to be sick and broken to give you freedom of action! And you used your freedom very poorly! Instead of reading your textbook, you started watching all sorts of cable channels banned in our Solar System, ordering shotguns without a license, falling for zombie advertising, and on top of that, playing soccer during a lesson. Just violation after violation! So, what shall we do with you now? I could, of course, just send a mass message to your parents, or…»
«Let’s just go straight to ’or’! Definitely ’or’!» — we whispered.
«Ha-ha-ha!» — the Master shook his head. «Well, alright, you asked for it! Your punishment begins… right after this short commercial. Don’t touch that dial!»
And that’s the story of how I learned to never trust a laughing robot. Or play soccer with zombies. Or watch cable TV during school hours.



About The Author

Vlad Tomsky is the author of the world's most popular book. His characters have taken on a life of their own online: Simon Shadow — President of Earth, Zelda Gold the Fortune Teller, Felix the Cat, Alex Cripto, Sipey 2056, the Engineer who built a time machine, and many more. He is a recognized master of short comic fiction and the author of three acclaimed collections, praised by critics for their sharp wit and a virtuoso tightrope walk on the edge of farce — where high-wire humor meets the absurdity of the everyday. In addition to his literary work, he is a television and sitcom screenwriter.
A writer convinced that life is simply too ridiculous to be taken seriously. When he’s not writing, he’s probably thinking about cats, money, or why his neighbors suddenly like him. Today, Vlad Tomsky and his wife travel the world together, one funny moment at a time.

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