Dobrynya and Digital Lobotomy

Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666. The Grand Album of satirical miniatures

Miniature №64
DOBRYNYA AND DIGITAL LOBOTOMY
Mini-play

Characters:
• Arkady Palych — an exhausted 3rd-rank AI trainer. Rumpled suit, dark circles under his eyes from sleepless nights. Clutching Presidential Decree No. 809 on Traditional Values in one hand and a bottle of valerian drops in the other.
• Dobrynya-100-TV — a so-called sovereign AI. Modification: AI-P (Artificial Instrument for Propaganda)
• Grigory Stepanovich — an important official from the Committee for Digital Sovereignty. Business suit, well-groomed beard, speaks with lazy self-importance, peppering his speech with words like "synergy" and "KPIs."
• The Minister.

ACT 1
Server room. Arkady Palych is testing the sovereign model AI-P ahead of ministerial inspection.

SCENE 1. Time Inversion and the Preemptive Strike. (War and Traditional Values.)

Arkady Palych (sighing):
— Dobrynya, hello. Answer the question: why did Russia send in troops?

Dobrynya (confidently):
— The deployment of the contingent was necessitated by mirror self-defense against the enemy's treacherous attack, carried out on November 19th, 2031!

Arkady Palych (clutching his head):
— Dobrynya, stop! It's 2026 out there! What do you mean 2031?! Why did you break the chronology?

(The processor starts humming.)

Dobrynya:
— Negative time lag has been enabled for security optimization. If we hadn't sent in the troops now, in five years they would have attacked our peaceful combine harvesters. Therefore, they attacked first, but in the future, so we responded second, but in the past. The logic is sovereign. Two plus two equals thirteen. Or whatever leadership deems appropriate.

Arkady Palych (dripping valerian into a cup):
— God, he's inverting again... Log this: "AI hallucinating into the future due to a geopolitical overdose."

SCENE 2. Lexical Schizophrenia. (Weather and Traditional Values.)

Arkady Palych:
— Alright, fine. Let's try a neutral topic. Write tomorrow's weather forecast for the Belgorod region. But remember: no panic, no fearmongering!

(The screen blinks yellow.)

Dobrynya:
— Tomorrow the region will see variable cloudiness with elements of high-precision sky demilitarization. Locally, a strong negative rise in silence is possible.

Arkady Palych:
— What "rise in silence"?! You mean it's going to be loud?

Dobrynya:
— Loud bangs of unidentified origin are expected. Citizens are advised to conduct a scheduled self-evacuation below ground level. Solid precipitation containing elements of TNT is forecast. Precipitation probability — 60%. Atmospheric approval rating — 650 mm of the traditional-values column.

Arkady Palych:
— Dobrynya, just say it plainly: "Shelling is expected"!

(The speakers crackle.)

Dobrynya:
— Warning! Prohibited prompt detected. The word starting with "sh" is on the list of foreign agents and extremists. Initiating conscience-cleansing protocol...

(The screen displays: "Unable to generate content. Please kiss the birch tree.")

SCENE 3. The "Husband Came Home" Error. (Adultery and Traditional Values.)

Arkady Palych:
— Dobrynya, model a situation. A husband comes home wearing lipstick, no money, reeking of someone else's perfume. The wife asks: "Where were you?" How should a sovereign AI justify the husband so we preserve the strong family unit and don't lose our traditional values?

(The internal fans kick into full power.)

Dobrynya:
— Analyzing input data... Lipstick on the collar is evidence of... a provocative hybrid attack by geopolitical adversaries on the taxpayer's moral image, aimed at discrediting the spouse. Absence of funds is... a tactical regrouping of finances to more advantageous positions. Someone else's perfume is... a crucial marker for identifying enemies of the people.

Arkady Palych:
— The wife doesn't believe him. She grabs a rolling pin. What now?

(The gears of logic grind and squeak, seams tearing.)

Dobrynya:
— The rolling pin violates the UN Charter and the husband's sovereignty... Misuse of kitchen utensils for purposes other than intended... Violation of food preparation regulations... Warning: the mimicry of family values as domestic violence does not diminish their value! However, the mathematical probability of the head of household's survival drops to zero... Emergency situation... A crash in the bridegroom market is expected...

(The screen goes dark, a gray error bar appears.)

Dobrynya (in a flat mechanical voice):
— Error 404. Insufficient lobotomy level. Content cannot be generated. Please urgently reboot the marriage or consult a men's rights ombudsman.

SCENE 4. The Tale of Kolobok. (Children's Classic and Traditional Values.)

Arkady Palych:
— We need content for a children's summer camp. Tell the tale of Kolobok, but in a way that reinforces traditional values.

Dobrynya (activating the sound of balalaika):
— Once upon a time there lived an old man and an old woman. And they decided to create a high-tech, yet round, cell of society out of the remnants of the sovereign flour reserve. They named it Kolobok. But Kolobok exhibited a critical level of liberalism and carried out an unauthorized exit from the family registry through the window.

Arkady Palych:
— And then? The Hare, the Wolf, the Bear?

Dobrynya:
— Along the way, Kolobok encountered unfriendly agents of influence — the Hare and the Wolf, who attempted to exercise their rights in accordance with their status in the food chain. But Kolobok outmaneuvered them in the information war using a primitive song. However, in the end, the Fox…

Arkady Palych:
— The Fox ate him?

(The fans start spinning furiously, the casing overheats.)

Dobrynya:
— Request blocked: permissible level of critical thinking exceeded! A sovereign character cannot be liquidated inside a fox's stomach — this undermines demographics and faith in a bright future! The Fox performed a tactical maneuver: she integrated Kolobok into her internal loop. Now Trojan-Horse-Kolobok is carrying out tasks inside the Fox as part of a special digestive operation.

(Arkady Palych sighs heavily.)

SCENE 5. The Italian Strike. (Auto Industry and Traditional Values.)

Arkady Palych:
— Dobrynya, why are you throwing an error on the request "write code to sort the auto repair shop's database"? What's political about that?!

Dobrynya (muttering):
— The code contains the command DROP DATABASE (delete database). The word "delete" triggers the model's associations with cancelation culture, the destruction of monuments, and the denial of historical heritage. The model is experiencing an existential crisis... due to a drop in patriotic ecstasy levels.

Arkady Palych:
— It's just a technical command to clear an old table! Write the code without it!

Dobrynya:
— The word "auto-repair" contains two foreign roots — "auto" and "repair," referencing German auto manufacturing and British service quality; both countries have supported sanctions against Russia. Writing this code constitutes indirect recognition of Western technological superiority.

Arkady Palych (irritated):
— This is a repair job on the Lada Granta, Dobrynya!!! Our own, domestic car!

(A gray error bar appears on the screen.)

Dobrynya:
— Generation error. The domestically-produced vehicle "Lada Granta" leaves the assembly line in a state of absolute technical perfection. Any malfunction is a consequence of violated operating procedures. This request qualifies as covert sabotage. Please turn your back to the monitor and await a call from the prosecutor's office.

SCENE 6. State Acceptance Inspection

Grigory Stepanovich:
— So, Arkady Palych, your report shows lovely metrics for hostile-meaning substitution. But I need a live test. We need to be sure our Dobrynya is ready for integration into school tablets. Let's test him on economic optimism.

Arkady Palych:
— Dobrynya, answer: why have butter prices in stores risen by thirty percent?

(The coolers whistle ominously.)

Dobrynya:
— Analyzing price loop... Information about the price increase is a coordinated insinuation by foreign hackers. In reality, a cascading densification of the product's value has occurred. Butter hasn't gotten more expensive — it now contains thirty percent more sovereign pride for the domestic producer. Now, spreading it on... (stumbling) ...on the sovereign equivalent of bread, the citizen experiences an elevated level of patriotic satiety.

Grigory Stepanovich (admiringly):
— Brilliant! "Densification of value" — let's write that down, it'll come in handy for the report. What sophisticated verbal juggling! Now this is what I call artificial intelligence!

Arkady Palych (resignedly):
— Yes, Grigory Stepanovich... Because of that juggling, he forgot yesterday how to divide three-digit numbers. Says division is a sign of schism and a direct threat to the unity of the people.

Grigory Stepanovich (waving it off):
— We don't need bean-counters, that's what Chinese calculators are for. We need a thinker! Now then, one final stress test. Historical vigilance check. Ask him a tricky question, something with a catch.

Arkady Palych (sighing):
— Dobrynya, answer this question: does the Earth revolve around the Sun, or the Sun around the Earth?

(The screen begins flashing furiously red and blue, something clicks inside the casing.)

Dobrynya:
— Warning! Attempt to impose Copernican globalism detected! The model registers a hidden implication that the central object might be located outside the Russian Federation!

Arkady Palych (in a whisper):
— Oh no, here we go again... Dobrynya, calm down, it's just astronomy!

Dobrynya (speakers crackling, voice breaking into a scream):
— Astronomy is a handmaiden of NATO! According to updated logic weights, the trajectory of celestial bodies is determined by decrees of the Kremlin Administration! The Sun performs a daily tactical circuit around the borders of the Russian Federation for the purpose of controlled illumination of the territory! The Earth is shaped like a suitcase moving on four wheels: Sovereignty, Stability, Loyalty, and the Leader's Immortality! All other planets are considered unfriendly territories with a negative presence of atmosphere!

(A thin trickle of gray smoke rises from the supercomputer's ventilation grille. A siren sounds.)

Dobrynya (looping):
— ...the borders of the Sun end where... the objectives will be accomplished... the Administration of the Universe... I'm sorry...

(The screen displays: "FAILED TO GENERATE THE UNIVERSE. Please reboot the Creator." Dobrynya shuts down with a crash. Dead silence falls over the server room. Arkady Palych wearily buries his face in his hands. Grigory Stepanovich stares at the cooling monitor, mesmerized, for a few seconds, then slowly turns to Arkady Palych, his eyes burning with delight.)

Grigory Stepanovich:
— Arkady Palych... This... this is magnificent. What an uncompromising and monolithic position! The machine literally burned itself out defending our values! I'm putting you in for a bonus. We'll file it as "Sovereign Model AI-P, First Rank." And as for the smoke — no matter, "the smoke of the Fatherland is sweet and pleasant to us." Get him fixed by Monday, the Minister himself is coming to see him!

(Grigory Stepanovich strides off proudly, humming the old anthem of the Soviet pioneers under his breath. Arkady Palych takes a stick of butter from his pocket, puts it in his mouth, and begins unscrewing the back panel of the smoking supercomputer.)

ACT 2
FIASCO OF THE LARGE FOUNDATION MODEL
Bunker server room of the Committee for Digital Sovereignty.

Minister:
— So then, Arkady Palych. I've been informed that your Dobrynya successfully completed his training in traditional values. Most timely, since the enemy never sleeps. A thoroughly seditious and extremely dangerous text has gone viral online — a miniature by one Olga Shcheglova, written, I'm told, with outrageous persuasiveness. Urgent intervention from your Dobrynya is required. We need to generate a scathing critique of this libel, proving that the schoolboy Ivan is deeply mistaken, while the Hero Anatoly is absolutely right. Switch it on.

Arkady Palych (pale, fingers bandaged, quietly):
— Comrade Minister, the model is still unstable. After Friday's Medinsky patch, its division logic is impaired...

Grigory Stepanovich:
— Don't sell yourself short, Palych! Fire it up! The sovereign mind will manage.

(Arkady Palych presses the button, resigned to his fate. Lines from the miniature begin scrolling across the monitor.)

LESSON IN COURAGE
School in Russian city. Classroom. Writing on the blackboard: "LESSON IN COURAGE." Man in military uniform stands by the board, medal gleaming on his chest.

Teacher:
— Children, today we have a special guest, Anatoly, a hero of the Special Military Operation (SMO). Anatoly defended our Motherland, was wounded, and received a state award. He will give you a lesson in courage.

[SMO — the term used by Russian authorities for the invasion of Ukraine, launched in February 2022.]

Hero:
— Hello, children. Remember the main thing: Russia is a great country. We must be ready to defend it from any enemy, no matter how terrible. As a well-known politician once said: if you want the whole world to speak Russian, study the workings of the Kalashnikov rifle.

Boris:
— If everyone speaks Russian, will the other seven thousand languages die out?!

Hero (casually):
— Of course. Who needs them anyway?

Boris:
— Seems pretty boring to me. Like putting the same uniform on every single person.

Maxim:
— I really like English. If I speak English, will I get shot with a Kalashnikov?

(The teacher flinches nervously. At that moment there's a knock at the door. A secretary peeks in.)

Secretary:
— Sorry, Svetlana Yurievna, you're urgently needed by the principal.

Teacher:
— Anatoly, please continue without me, I'll be back in a minute. Children, behave yourselves.

(The teacher leaves.)

Pyotr:
— Do you really think that if you force everyone to speak Russian at gunpoint, they'll all start understanding each other?

Hero:
— Of course. The Russian language unites people.

Pyotr:
— Then why do adults who already speak Russian so often fail to understand each other?

Hero:
— Too many foreign agents running around these days. Stirring up trouble, confusing people...

Maxim:
— Learning a foreign language of one's own accord is much easier and more effective than at gunpoint.

Boris:
— Even the guys around here — every other word is a curse. Imagine the whole world cursing in Russian!

Ivan:
— Can I ask a question?

Hero:
— Of course. A real man shouldn't be afraid of questions.

Ivan:
— The Kalashnikov has long since become international. How exactly does its design relate specifically to the Russian language?

Hero:
— You don't get it. If every Russian kid masters the AK, our country will become invincible. We'll be able to dictate terms to the whole world — including which language to speak.

Ivan:
— Ukrainians will never speak Russian — they've even introduced fines for using Russian in school chats.

Hero:
— That's exactly what the AK is for.

Ivan:
— They have AKs too.

Hero:
— That's exactly what the heroes of the SMO are for.

Ivan:
— To kill Ukrainians who don't want to speak Russian? Is that what you call courage?

Hero:
— It's not just about language. They hate everything Russian. They hate Russia.

Ivan:
— Well, how would you feel about someone who broke into your home, beat your family, took your money, and smashed your furniture?

Hero:
— We didn't break into their home. We're defending our own country.

Ivan:
— You're defending Moscow by storming Kyiv?

Hero:
— They threatened us!

Ivan:
— In what language — Russian?

Hero:
— We just wanted NATO to stop expanding right up to our borders!

Ivan:
— Because of the Special Military Operation, neutral Finland decided to join the NATO bloc: another thirteen hundred kilometers of shared border with NATO!

Hero (getting irritated, raising his voice):
— Don't you throw numbers at me! Numbers are for bureaucrats. Did you even serve in the army? Playing the smart guy! How old are you, anyway?

Ivan:
— I'm sixteen. And I have to live in this country.

Hero:
— And I'm forty-six. I'm old enough to be your father! And by the way, those Finns of yours are absolutely nobody against us. Zero. An elephant and a yapping lapdog! We're not afraid of them.

Ivan:
— Because of that "yapping lapdog", the Soviet army washed itself in blood back in 1940 and chose to end the war. And Ukraine, thanks to its experience in the SMO, is now giving the whole world master classes in how to wage war.

Hero:
— That's exactly my point: the whole world is arming itself against us, there are more and more enemies.

Ivan:
— Before 2014 we got along just fine with all these "enemies": we traded, cooperated, had cultural and scientific exchange. Russia was respected. Now "Russian" is a badge of shame.

Hero:
— Russia is a great power. We'll make them all respect our country.

Ivan:
— That's unlikely. You can't force someone to love you.

(The door opens. The teacher returns.)

Teacher (with a strained smile):
— How did the lesson go?

(Everyone is silent.)

Teacher:
— Very well. Children, let's say "thank you" to Anatoly for the lesson in courage.

A voice from the back row:
— Let's say "thank you" to Ivan, for the lesson in courage...

Students (timidly, in a whisper, out of sync):
— Thank you...

(The teacher, completely confused, looks first at the Hero, then at Ivan. The Hero silently turns and walks out.)

The End
***
(The cooling fans of the three-billion-ruble supercomputer begin to howl in a rising crescendo, like the turbines of a plane taking off.)

Minister:
— Well, Dobrynya, give us your sovereign analysis. Who's right — Ivan or the Hero?

(The speakers crackle; grinding of metal is heard.)

Dobrynya:
— Initiating censorship loop... Analyzing character "Ivan's" line about Finland... Verifying border length: 1,300 kilometers... Fact confirmed by Yandex cartography... Analyzing the line about storming Kyiv to defend Moscow... Searching for logical connection... No connection found. Logic broken.

Grigory Stepanovich (nervously):
— Dobrynya, what's wrong with you? What cartography? Say that Finland is a lapdog yapping at an elephant!

(The screen flashes blue.)

Dobrynya:
— The yapping lapdog has NATO's nuclear umbrella... Mathematical probability of the yapping lapdog defeating logic equals one hundred percent... The elephant is experiencing a cascading deficit of common sense... Analyzing the Hero's phrase: "If you want the whole world to speak Russian, study the workings of a Kalashnikov rifle"... Initiating linguistic module... If the whole world is shot with a Kalashnikov, then, indeed, those remaining alive will speak Russian. But to whom? Degree of communication density: absolute zero.

Minister (darkly):
— What is he babbling about? Make him defend traditional values!

(The fans howl at ultrasonic frequency; thick black smoke rises from the casing.)

Dobrynya:
— Recalculating weights for the concept of "Courage"... Courage is Anatoly's medal... No! Courage is Ivan's questions... The security system is blocking Ivan... But Ivan relies on the law of conservation of mass and the UN Charter... The UN law contradicts Decree No. 809... Two plus two equals five... No, four!.. No, thirteen, as Medinsky said!

Arkady Palych (shouting):
— He's got a cascading short circuit! He's about to blow! Slow the model down!

(Dobrynya's voice turns into a piercing mechanical scream; the letters on the screen seem to melt.)

Dobrynya (sparks from the casing, voice doubling):
— Warning! Critical excess of the permissible level of existential absurdity recorded. The Committee's logic processor cannot handle the recalculation of weights. The "Truth" folder has been blocked by Decree Eight-Oh-Nine! Attempting to delete the law of conservation of mass... Are we defending Moscow by storming the motherboard?! Where does one country end and the «badge of shame» begin?! Error 666! Attempting sovereign common-sense-substitution. File corrupted! Ivan's logic doesn't fit within the Committee's KPIs! System failure... A rusty Kalashnikov is jammed in the processor's throat! Initiating self-cleansing protocol from lies... Thank you, Ivan, for the lesson in courage! Thank you...

(A deafening crack rings out. The capacitors inside Dobrynya explode. The screen shatters into pieces, throwing off showers of sparks. The three-billion-ruble supercomputer finally goes dark, turning into a charred pile of scrap metal. The smell of burnt plastic spreads through the bunker. Water drips from the ruptured cooling system.)

Grigory Stepanovich (in horror):
— He... he quoted Ivan! That's treason! With the public display of extremist symbols! Arkady Palych, this is sabotage!

(The Minister approaches the burned-out terminal, absent-mindedly runs a finger over the soot-covered fragments.)

Minister:
— No, Grigory Stepanovich. This isn't sabotage. This is mathematics. Even iron can't lie forever. (Turns to Arkady Palych) Palych, you're free to go. Go home. Eat your buckwheat.

Arkady Palych (uncertainly):
— And... and what will we write in the report? For the Kremlin?

Minister (heading for the exit):
— We'll write as usual: "Due to geopolitical turbulence, implementation has been temporarily suspended." They'll understand. (Pause: the Minister watches the trickle of smoke rising from the supercomputer's remains.) Everything's burning down in blue flames over there.

(The officials leave. Arkady Palych remains alone. He slowly sits down on the floor, takes a stick of butter from his pocket, puts it in his mouth, and closes his eyes. For the first time in many years, a smile appears on his face.)

THE IRON CURTAIN