Why? Why? Why?

Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga)

IN THE HALL OF A THOUSAND TRUTHS
Miniature №14
WHY? WHY? WHY?

Russia, Moscow, the Kremlin. Russian President Vladimir Putin is holding a meeting with the heads of the security block.

PUTIN (red with rage):
— This is an outrage! Intelligence has reported that the Ukrainian sound combination "dzh" is dozens of times lighter and easier for articulation than our "zhd". What scoundrels! They stole it, rearranged the letters, and are enjoying it, while we are straining ourselves trying to pronounce this stupid "zhd."
Judge for yourselves. Come on, let's all say in unison: "dzhack"! And now let's all say together: "zhdack"! Well? You see for yourselves, "dzhack" is pronounced easily and smoothly, but you’ll break your tongue on this "zhdack." Something must be done about this.

(Pause.)

PUTIN (sternly):
— But what surprises me even more is that I have been in power for twenty-six years — and this was reported to me only yesterday. How am I to understand this? How could we overlook this sabotage?! Keep in mind: I will not let this matter rest! Those responsible will be severely punished.

(Pause.)

PUTIN (with anguish):
— Why on earth does this stupid Ukraine surpass us in all indicators? Why do they have fertile black soil and we have permafrost? Why is their climate favorable and ours is wretched? Why are their roads good and ours are bad? Why is their economy growing and ours is stagnating? Even despite total devastation and emigration? Why did Crimea flourish under them, but under us, it is turning into a desert? Why is their GDP per capita higher than ours?

NIKOLAI PATRUSHEV, aide to the Russian President (timidly):
— On the bright side, our GDP per bureaucrat's capita is higher than theirs…

PUTIN (ignoring Patrushev's remark):
— Why are their drones better? Why do their soldiers fight selflessly, while mine surrender at the first opportunity? Why, with a complete absence of a navy, did they drive us out of the Black Sea? Why is their communication good, and we don't have any? Why is Zelensky's rating (the real one, not drawn up) higher than mine? Why does he look like a real macho man, and I look like an old fart? And now, on top of that, these cursed letters…

(Pause: Putin tries to control his breathing and wipes the sweat from his forehead.)

PATRUSHEV (in a whisper):
— On the bright side, they have fewer holidays, and there isn't enough vodka for everyone…

PUTIN (eyes flashing with anger):
— Don't talk nonsense to me! You've ruined the country! You've completely let yourselves go! I'll put all of you behind bars!

(A heavy silence hangs in the air. The meeting participants intently examine their own fingernails.)

PUTIN:
— Alright, then. This cursed Ukraine has crossed all red lines. The Ukrainians cannot be better than the Russians. They have no moral right. By definition. One way or another, we will not allow this. I order: destroy Ukraine in the shortest possible time. Ukraine was invented by Lenin — so lay it at his feet. Into that damn Mausoleum.

(Pause: Putin is tensely contemplating something.)

PUTIN:
— We are requisitioning the sound combination "dzh." I order: in all Russian words, replace the combination "zhd" with "dzh." Rewrite dictionaries and books, burn all obsolete editions. The Director of the Institute of the Russian Language — goes to prison. Thank you for your attention!

#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism